brokenrants

[brokenrants]

after such a long time i'm finally posting again.

this time it's going to be about my ex best friend. i tolerate a lot, and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. i never leave people but she's the only one who pushed me to my limits until i finally had enough and removed her from my life, as hard as it might have been but it's better like this.

after everything she's done to me, and i know i'm not angel and had my parts in this too, she really had the audacity to accuse me of being jealous of her new friends, of sending her hate on curious cat and she had the nerves to try and make me feel guilty for trying to give her closure before i leave?

after all the stalking, the guilt tripping, the mental abuse, the lies, the jealousy, the insulting my friends and my taste in music — she really got some nerves.

i really wonder what i did in my previous life to deserve all of this bullshit.

not gonna lie, i'm glad she found friends she can give her attention to now but she clearly forgot that without me liking bts she probably wouldn't have found them in the first place. not the point but the whole "i have a lot of work" excuses really bothered me as she apparently always had enough time to talk to everyone else but me especially after i lost someone to death she wasn't there for me and then she comes up with this lame ass excuse after giving me so much shit for not replying enough or fast enough when i was with friends or feeling unwell mentally?? hell no. i was always there for her when she had a hard time after her grandma died and i would've thought she'd do the same for me but clearly not.

it's sad it ended like this but i guess it had to happen. let's just hope her new friends will stay with her and not leave her. let's hope she won't treat them like she treated me.

[brokenrants]

my 5 seconds of summer experience

okay so, we got up at 8am, i put in my lenses, took my pill (for some reason i didn't get sick or nauseous bc of it this time, i usually do), put on my fake lashes (i still have them on, they're so beautiful) and my makeup, put on my concert outfit and ate and then we left for the train. in the train we listened to 5sos of course and we had our phones on shuffle and three of the songs we're on sync, i mean when my song (amnesia) started, her phone played it too and it started at the same time and i thought it was a good sign or something. anyway, we left the train at around 12 and had to take the metro, which we couldn't find at first and then we had to walk a bit and couldn't find it either lmao.

we got there and there already was a huge ass line so we went to buy food and to pee lmao. when we came back we got the pink wristbands and thank god!! we got the last ones yayyy, we had so much luck lmao. we waited then, they sold the youngblood wristbands outside and i needed one and i was happy, still am that i bought it because the original ones are silikon and ew. it got fucking cold near the end ugh, but it was great organized because they gave soundcheck numbers as well and they had to line up with the numbers and we did too and they lead us inside, so we were close. the only mistake they made was to let the ones without wristband on the ground right after us and some people ran to be closer but they let in the people with wristbands first. they were like always letting 10 inside. 1-10, 10-20 and so on. it took a little while because we had 154 and 155 but the people behind us didnt have a number thank god lmao. we also didnt take a bag so we could go inside really quickly, we had to give our jackets and all to the people and that was a good idea because it got so fucking hot already before lovelytheband was performing. we got inside then and i went to the toilets straight hahahah. they had toilets on each side of the stage and when i came back someone came up to us and said we could go in the part with the soundcheck if we get the yellow wristbands so we did that. that's why we were even closer.

i had so bad back pain the whole day, while waiting in the line, while waiting inside so i sat down until lovelytheband. when a friend sent me a picture of their setlist (lovelytheband) i was so sad because they wouldn't play maybe i'm afraid or stupid mistakes, i commented on their instagram saying it would mean the absolute world if they could play one of these songs and guess what? THEY PLAYED MAYBE I'M AFRAID IT WAS SO NICE he also said that it's okay not to be okay and that you’re not alone ever - i wish they'd have played walk from here as well, i love that song. but they said they might come back to germany so maybe, MAYBE, i will try to see them again because they're actually really good.

we waited then for 5sos, my back killed me but it wasn’t that warm in there and other than at the troye concert we got some fresh air now and then so i didn't feel dizzy at all!

when 5sos came it was so amazing, the lights, and the beginning, the music, just everything. i had enough space to jump and dance around which is rare especially this close lmao but thank god i had my lenses and i could see them perfectly. they were like 5 meters away, it was so amazing and i think they looked at us too. michael had such a great mood, he smiled all the time and they did that robot voice thing which was funny. when luke was starting to sing lie to me he fucked up the first tone and he was like "fuck, sorry" and that was like the cutest thing ever. ashton talked a lot too, i always loved that. last time in hamburg he was like "ac/dc is performing in the stadium next door so we need to be louder than them", calum really didn’t say much but i was sfkahglajfs when he started amnesia, i love that song. i had so much fun, i didn't have to worry about anything anymore, not about fainting (even if the light at she looks so perfect was flashing so hard i could barely see lmao) but i loved every second and i wanted to go again. at some point during the 5sos performance the lead singer of lovelytheband went on stage and performed with the boys and it was so great!! it was literally a highlight and reminded me of when astrid s performed with troye in hamburg!

when we got out we had to get our jackets and it seemed like we had to wait for hours, but thank god we gave them at the end (they had like different numbers 1-200, 200-400 and so on. we had ours 1700-2000 so the line was short there actually. when we got out i enjoyed the fresh air so much omg hahaha and my back hurt so much too. also, the tour busses where right at the entrace and apparently they were at the bus door and fans saw them and we started singing she looks so perfect for them but i couldnt see them sadly.

then we had to walk to the metro again and someone sold poster for 3€ and of course i got one because i first didn’t wanna spend 15€ on a original one and second the line at the merch thing was fucking huge. we went to the metro then and on our way i saw a shooting star. i think i was the only one who saw it and i was like "can this day get even better? we had so much luck!" 

back at the train station we went to mcdonalds because that's our post concert mcdonalds tradition. after every concert in hamburg me and my best friend got fries. we even gave some money to a homeless (idk if he was homeless but he was sitting in a wheelchair as well) and he got some cola for it and showed it to us. we spent like 2 hours in the train then, walked home for 20 minutes and i put off my makeup, checked my social media and then i went to bed. i fell asleep after 10 minutes and didnt wake up until julia's mom left for work. 

it was so amazing, i wish i could see them every day. they did so amazing, like always!

[brokenrants]

ugh

i relapsed a week ago and all i wanna do is cut, cry and sleep. i hate my life and i’m just so tired. i don’t want to exist anymore.

— nad 

[brokenrants]

hypocrite, hypocrite!

my mother is the biggest hypocrite ever.

she says she is sick so she doesn’t need to work. she has both a mental and a physical illness and i believe none of it - zero.

she says she can’t work but apparently she can run around in the city buy stupid things from our money from morning till dawn!

then she says she has depression but tells ME to get my shit together because “if i really want to i can change something” like bitch, no i can’t. not with my depression, borderline, eating disorders and anxiety. just no.

i fucking hate her because she always compares others to herself and thinks she is better than everyone.

she once judged her ex best friend because she used men for money and now she is doing the very same.

she ain’t better than anyone.

she also gets involved in things that’s none of her business. like, there is a new family that moved in a few months ago and they used to put their laundry on the balcony between the stairs part and the lifts and that's not allowed but instead of letting the housekeeper do his job she got involved in it.

she always complains about how dirty it is at home and that we're not doing shit while she does the laundry and sometimes the kitchen only. she's never at home and when she is she complains as if she only got kids to clean her shit. she's a disgusting human being.

— nad

[brokenrants]

not a rant but a great, great dream

okay, so this ain’t a rant but i really want to talk about my dream from last night!

it’s like a three part story because i woke up twice inbetween and it kinda continued, which was great!

so the first dream was amazing. my best friend and i went to a 5 seconds of summer but it wasn’t like a concert in an arena. it was more like a really big room where only 100 people could fit. and we were in the first row and they were playing games with us. and, since i listen to music while sleeping, i kinda started to rap nf - i just wanna know in my dream and calum saw that and nodded as if he was saying “say it out loud” so i was literally rapping the lyrics.

my best friend also ran to calum and hugged him so tight! she didn’t want to let go of him and when she did, i saw ashton stand next to the door and looking at the crowd and the other band members doing games. i literally stared at him - he was so beautiful! - and my best friend said “go and hug him” but for some reason i felt too anxious? i was afraid the crowd would stare or i’d embarrass myself.

after the “concert” there was a huge table and the boys were sitting there giving autographs to a few people. i have my concert tickets in a framed picture thing and for some reason i had it with me and i had the youngblood cd with me.

that was the first dream. i can’t remember anything else from it because my cat woke me up but when i fell asleep it kinda continued.

after we went outside we were on this strange building. we were on the second floor running around with the boys. just the six of us. and in the first floor was a really tiny shopping mall and a mcdonalds. i told them to wait for me and for some reason i had package and a bag so i hid it in the darkest corner and went to mcdonalds to get fries and pizza?? i had to wait so long - felt like i had to wait through the whole dream - until i got my pizza and they said i’d need to pay for it but i didn’t!

i went to my package but it was gone and i panicked. i ran into the two stores infront of the place where my package was and asked if they had any cameras outside and they said no. so i panicked even more! then all of a sudden i saw a persons package and there was a jbl box and i stole it? to sell it i suppose.

in the third dream i suddenly saw ashton having my package but not my normal bag and they all were like “hurry, we need to go” but i kinda din’t want to go without my bag but then i woke up. it was a really short dream and ashton looked so serious too. i kinda felt like it was a love story between ashton and me if that makes sense, even if we didn’t flirt or kiss or anything but i felt this conncention that couples have after being together for years.

so that’s basically my whole dream and it was kinda nice.

i just found this picture in my folder and i was thinking maybe it's a sign. i saw this picture a few days ago because i was looking for abother picture and there's ashton and mcdonalds so maybe i dreamt that because of this picture??

— nad

[brokenrants]

i hate my life

so i bought something online and paypal was stupid and used my closed bank account instead of the new one and now they took 3€ for the 0,61€ they had to pay back?? fucking assholes! i'm not paying that!

besides, i couldn't even remove the old bank account from paypal so it's clearly not my fault. fucking dicks, i swear i'm so angry!

— nad

[brokenrants]

ew ew ew

of course i'm getting my period the very same day i'm starting a new diet

fucking hell

— nad

[brokenrants]

this blog

it's helping to post on here. people might not believe it, but ranting and letting everything out, indirecting people even though they will never read it (i wouldn't care if they did), insulting the ones you hate the most — it's a good way to cope with everything.

i used to selfharm a lot when something happened, when i was sad, alone, angry. now i barely do that anymore and posting rants is great to let out all the anger, instead of talking to anyone, since that's a problem for some people because they feel anxious and uncomfortable. so i'd suggest everyone, really everyone who's having issues to talk to others or who's letting it out on themselves or others, to have an anonymous (or not) rant blog!

— nad

[brokenrants]

dear val,

thank you for blocking me on twitter, twice. that just showed how horrible your personality is. blocking someone instead of helping that person, especially when it was sad tweets, that's just a dick move. thank you for showing me how horrible people can be, even if they seemed to be the nicest person at first. i regret spending so much time with you, especially since i stayed up until 5am just to talk to you, because you were important to me. not anymore though - choke on a fucking tictac.

sincerely,

— nad

[brokenrants]

dear ex best friend,

you're the most pathetic person i've ever met. after all you've done to me, i'm glad you're out of my life.

sincerely,

— nad

[brokenrants]

things i want to do different

my mom is a horrible person. she is lazy and stupid, no offense.

i never want to be like her, ever. so here are the things i want to do different in any aspect of life:

- i don’t want to live in dirt. she never cleans the apartment, it’s dirty and messy everywhere

- i won’t treat my children the way she has been treating me

- i won’t spend so much money on stupid things like she does

- i won’t yell or lose my patience ever like she does

- i won’t be a hypocrite because she definitely is one

- i will be more hygienic and healthy. she never cleans and never cooks fresh food

- i will listen to people and not interrupt them

- i will take more care of the things around me, furniture, people, animals

- i will work hard (i know i’m lazy and my illnesses are taking it’s toll on me but i will try to work as hard as possible)

- i will treat my kids equally, if i will ever have any

- i won’t abandon animals, ever

this is everything i can think of for now. i will probably add more things in the next months

— nad

[brokenrants]

relapsed again last night

i’m going to hide it. i cut on my hip where no one can see it because my best friend is coming to visit me for two weeks and i don’t want her nor my family to see it.

funny how everyone thought i was doing better just because i didn’t cut for over 450 days.

— nad 

[brokenrants]

fucking mental illnesses

so today i was supposed to work for the first time.

i got up and already felt like shit. i started to get panic attacks and mental breakdowns so i said i couldn’t work.

the guy who was supposed to be my chef was being a fucking asshole to me. i tried to call him and he didn’t pick up, then i wrote an email saying that i’m sorry to inform him but i can’t work because of my health state.

he answered all sarcastically and did an asshole move.

so i cried infront of my mother, told her everything that’s bothering me;

- my brother is making fun of me and my illnesses

- my sister letting out her anger on me and insulting me

- no one giving a fuck about me or how i feel

- not having money to actually buy me something pretty for once

- not having anyone here where i can go to when everything is horrible

- not having friends

- not being pretty enough

- that no one cares and no one ever even gives me a hug

so basically just everything. my mom actually hugged me for two minutes (after i told her that no one ever shows love to me) and i cried and cried.

i’m really pissed and sad. mostly at myself because i really need money but also at the guy and everyone else. society is fucking awful, treating people like me, with illnesses so disrespectful as if we didn’t have it bad enough and as if we could control it.

— nad

[brokenrants]

relapsed but at least i got a job

so today i relapsed on cutting after being clean for over 450 days.

but at least i got a job!

long story short;

everything was fine when i went to bed last night until my sister woke me up at 3am and was so loud that she kept me up until almost 4am.

and when i finally fell asleep, i got woken up by my mother who slammed the balcony door and my brother who turned up the music and the bass at 8am.

i went to my mother and told her that i'm sick and tired of the situation at home because everyone is loud and so selfish that they all don't even care about how you're feeling.

the thing is that if i don't sleep enough i get super nauseous.

so, i was totally annoyed and went to my mom to tell her that i'm tired of everything in this house, that i want to sleep but i can't and that i'm tired of being woken up every night by my sister and every morning by my mom or my brothers and she started to complain about how she's never sleeping enough as if it was about her like always. she's always starts to complain about what bothers her as if it was about her.

and we started to fight, of course. i told her that my whole family and the situation at home is the reason why i'm sick and that they all make me sick with what they're doing.

for example; my sister is always complaining about everything, like when it's dirty at home, instead of just cleaning it and shutting the fuck up. she's always insulting everyone when she's in a bad mood or letting out her anger on everyone, especially me since we're sharing a room and my brothers are always loud with their game and they're always screaming and yelling at the screen and it's really annoying because the walls are really thin and when you're tired and you want to sleep at 3am, but you can't because they're too loud, you kinda lose your shit after a while.

but it's not only that. it's also how they are to each other. my youngest siblings are always fighting for stupid reasons and it's getting really loud because they insult each other and start yelling and threatening each other and it's just too much. i can't stand conflicts and noise.

so, i told her that and instead of letting me finish what i wanted to say, my mother started yelling and insulting me (i admit it, i called her a bitch first which i never did but this time i was so done with her bullshit) and telling me she wanted me out of the house when she's back from spending all our money on dumb things in the city like always. i told her i'm not going anywhere and that she's stupid and not supportive and that my siblings get everything and i'm the one that has to beg for every single cent and every single piece of food since i'm a vegetarian (rant about how they made me sick over the years is coming, watch me) and she pushed me out of the room and i told her not to touch me.

i cried a lot and ended up getting a razor and cutting my arm, after 450 fucking days.

she didn't even give a fuck about it, the only thing she did was coming in, saying she calculated everything and telling me i'll get 86€ a month for food.

i'll be working for a year, or two, if i want to and i'm honestly thinking about going to evening school next year!

— nad

[brokenrants]

it’s all about the money

i’m going to tell my mother that i WANT 50€ a month, i don’t care what she says or what she wants. she’s getting money from the country for me, for food and clothes and everything i need and i never see any of the money. i ask her for things that i really need and she says we don’t have enough money but then the next days she comes home with a bag full of her expensive stuff and i’m tired of it. i want 50€ for clothes and everything i need and 50€ for food, because i’m tired of asking her for food and everyone eating it so i need to ask again and have her complain about how expensive i am. since i’m a vegetarian she never really gave a fuck about what i like to eat. in our fridge are like five things that i can and want to eat, besides bread there’s some vegetables like cucumber and tomato, some cream cheese and that’s it. i honestly wonder how i got so fat because she never really buys stuff for me to eat or clothes that i really need. i don’t have any pretty things in my room either except the books but then again, i buy them in a secondhand shop or get them for my birthday or christmas from my best friend. i’m done with her shit, if she doesn’t give me the money i will call the people where the money comes from and ask them if i can get the money from them right away so she won’t have it. she even owes me like 200€ because i gave it to her a few years back. she couldn’t pay the rent or whatever it was and i had to help her out with my birthday and christmas money that i had saved up, i never even got a thank you and never saw any of the money again. 

i really want to move out so i can have my own money and never have to see her stupid face or hear her stupid complaining again.

— nad

[brokenrants]

sometimes i feel like no one really understands me.

[brokenrants]

today had been so shitty and it’s not even 3pm!

i barely slept. i barely slept for three days now. i’m really, really tired. my sister annoyed me already with how she thinks she’s right and i’m not going to give her money anymore. i’m tired of giving and giving and not getting anything back. i’m a really nice person but i ain’t going to let people use me. i’ve had that before - no more!

i fucked up my diet too, again. i’m going to fast most of the days next week, i really need to lose 15kgs until november, kinda because of the 5sos concert but mostly because i’m tired of being fat.

i’m kinda sad these days. i wish i had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and i kinda want a baby - a family. not now of course, but soon, maybe in 5 years! i feel like i’ll never be able to experience this - having a family, being loved and loving someone so much like a mother loves their baby. it makes me really sad because i’m really ugly and fat and no one will love me this way, ever.

— nad