broken-skull-films

[broken-skull-films]

The urge to talk to you and tell you about my day is overwhelming at times. To say things about customers. I miss that so much. I can't explain the feelings of thinking of something knowing it would make you laugh and just not. I feel numb knowing I lost a friendship. I hate that I was leaning on you and you on me for support. But it just isn't there anymore. I don't reach out because I don't want to feel disappointed, disrespected and overwhelmed. I just want to think ahead. It's just hard sometimes. The person I was, I'll get back to eventually. Maybe not that exact version of myself, hopefully better. I was relaxed once now I feel on edge. I shake at the thought of you. Maybe it's a trauma response, maybe self doubt, maybe a lack of self worth. I don't want to have these feeling. I just want my life back. I don't want to struggle. There is no point in blame. There is no point in trying. I just don't know how to be alone with my thoughts at times. Not that the memories are bad, but it is no more. So I'd rather not scrape up the past. I did what I thought I could to help. I wanted so much to be there for a friend. But that's not what you wanted. I pushed myself to be better. For myself and for you. But I couldn't live up to that perfect person you created in your head. I embraced everything in front of me, it took me a little while to get comfortable. But once I was, I felt like I belonged. I don't know how to explain it other than feeling at peace in your presence. I don't have that now. I'll find it again some day I hope, just not with you.

[broken-skull-films]

I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. My stomach is in such a knot. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling like I don't belong around others. I feel like I'm a million miles away from my friends and family even though most of the time I'm in the same room. I don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to explain that I'm fighting for myself. To just be okay most of the time is my goal right now. To be content with myself. To get my confidence back, I strive so hard for that. But I don't know how to deal with things around me right now. I physically have trouble, shaking sometimes. I feel paralyzed, like I can't do anything when I'm alone. I fight to just wake up and move around. I have trouble relating to others. If I'm not working I feel useless. But don't like being at work when I'm there either. I miss spending time with friends. I'd do anything for someone to give me a hug and tell me it'll be okay. I don't feel close to anyone right now. My closest friends I don't even see anymore. It's hard always being the one to reach out. I feel like a burden, even though I shouldn't. I try to stay positive, it's really hard sometimes. It gets bad feeling lonely.

[broken-skull-films]

I'm just tired of everything in my life right now. I don't really see value within myself. I don't see value within my goals. I try and try. It's just a pain to get up every morning and push myself sometimes. I know I have to keep going but it's so hard.

I wish for the day where I had a friend to talk to. I also wish for the day when I was more content with myself. Everything is simple, but also a struggle at the same time.

I really miss having a friend to tell stuff to. I don't want to be this mopey. I don't want to feel this way. My team winning was the only good thing that happened today. I'm trying to find joy in the little things. I'm trying to get things accomplished. I'm trying to accept that I might be the only one to notice.

[broken-skull-films]

I feel like a weight has been lifted.

[broken-skull-films]

It's tough some days but I keep pushing forward. I don't know how to cheer myself sometimes. But I call friends and that usually helps. I know my friends are all over the place right now.

I cherish them greatly. I care for them amincley. I just wish I could help them as much as they've helped me. I wish I could see them and hangout with them. But the ones that I'm closest to are always busy with their own lives. Some of which don't even live near me.

It's a hard time for me, for my friends. I just wish I was with them.

And in my mistake, for caring for a friend who I thought could be more. Who wanted to be more at least I thought that was true. I lost a friend.

[broken-skull-films]

I'm at that point in my life where sleep may be the only peace I get sometimes. It's better with no dreams. It's better with no nightmares. I just close my eyes and relax.

...because waking up and feeling like this is just hell sometimes. I don't feel apraciated. I don't feel noticed. I get lonely. I feel like I don't belong. I'm different than everyone I know and don't feel like I belong anywhere.

It's a constant struggle waking up every day. Feeling down, waking up in the middle of the night because I fell asleep too early. I try my best making plans with friends but they usually cancel on me. I try reaching out but I usually don't hear back. It's hard being the one checking on everyone. And nobody really gets back to me. I try not make things about me. Sometimes I just want to talk and hear a friend's voice.

My internal voice in my head is loud sometimes. I just need to hear a friend's voice to say everything's okay. I doubt myself a lot.

I'm tired. I'm down. I still get up every morning fighting. I still try. That's all I can do.

I just wish I had a friend to give me a hug and tell me everything's gonna be okay.

[broken-skull-films]

One day I'll be able to sleep normal hours.

My mind just can't shut off sometimes.

I hate that I'm like this.

[broken-skull-films]

Let them have it all. And if they leave, maybe they'll look at it and remember your good intentions. It's not your place, not your problem, no use to try and fixing things anymore for someone that doesn't see your worth or value to them.

I'd give you the world if I could, but that's not what you wanted.

We were all just in our own heads. Giving information that may have not been right at the time.

Or the wrong information, in fear of the other person.

Nobody can make you happy, you have to do that yourself. But I did try my best to cheer you up in times of need.

Trying to show you that I valued you. That I wanted to be with you. Through all the ups and downs, through all the good days and bad. I never gave up on you. I never gave up on us. But you felt the need to. So it's no longer my place to care.

Caring about you is in my heart. But I don't want to be there for you anymore, it hurts too much to know it was all for nothing.

Good intentions aren't enough.

Spending my time with you wasn't enough. Taking you out wasn't enough. Making you laugh wasn't enough.

I'm done feeling like I'm not enough for you.

I'm done helping where I'm not wanted.

It took a lot out of me to ask you out. Not because I was nervous about dating you. (Although I was at first) but ...because we were friends for so long I was scared to ruin that. I thought the chance to be more was worth it. But time has shown me that it wasn't.

I poured everything I had into it. But still left feeling empty in the end.

I don't want to feel like I'm drowning to the thoughts of you. To what was, to what could have been. I lost you. I lost a friend.

Trying to move forward is hard most days. But I am trying.

[broken-skull-films]

I don't have to try.

I don't have to care.

I just wish you noticed the little things.

[broken-skull-films]

Another rough day. But I returned my costume.

[broken-skull-films]

I crashed on the couch early tonight watching King of the Hill.

I guess that's my comfort show.

[broken-skull-films]

I stress myself out too much.

I'm trying to be better. Trying to be there for my friends. It's just hard dealing with things on my own.

[broken-skull-films]

It's hard to fall asleep. It's hard to stay awake. You're in my dreams. You're in my head. I walk around trying to avoid it most days. But if I see something funny. If I hear a song on the radio. All I end up thinking of is you. It hits me hard at night. I'm still reaching out, but nobody is there. I'm trying not to cry, trying but I fail most times. I'm scared, I'm lonely. I don't want to feel like this. It's a rough morning. I just wish you knew. I wish you cared. I was happy once. I looked forward to the day. Not everyday will be perfect. But seeing you and having you there with me. Nnothing else really mattered. I can't unfeel you. I can't get my mind to calm down. I wake up smiling, but then realize it isn't real. You're not there. I don't know if you ever were. It's hard pushing myself forward. It's hard trying to be okay. I don't know when it'll hit me. I remember the good times. I liked making you laugh. It was a real turn on. Just your laugh. Your voice. The way you looked at me. I felt like I could accomplish anything. Just having you next to me. To hold you. It's like everything else around me melted away. I know I'm not perfect, but I tried to be there for you. It's hard for my mind to let go because being with you gave me happiness. Even when I thought I was happy before that. You showed me what it was like to be loved. To be wanted. I don't know if I'll ever get that feeling back, but my body is going through withdrawals of wanting it now. I wish I knew how to be better.

[broken-skull-films]

I don't know how to be okay right now. I'm trying to stay productive. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to reach out to friends. It's just hard. I don't know how to be myself anymore. Fighting myself not to cry out in certain situations. With my family. At work. Home alone or alone in my car. It's just tough most days. My mind wanders sometimes. But I'm really trying my best. Fighting for me this time.