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brightsideofrockbottom · 6 years ago

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2018. Probably one of the toughest years. A year I could not wait to end. I take a long look at these past 12 months and realize truly how much I've learned, how much I have to be thankful for, and how greatly I have been humbled.

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone."

that’s a lyric from a song I used to sing as a little girl. and my God there couldn't be a more true statement.

This year I grew true appreciation for things I have, or once had that became absent from my life, or that I have no longer, either temporarily or permanently. Things you don't often think about on a regular basis.

A place to call home. A mother and father. A table with 5 chairs that are all filled by dinner time. A holiday with family. A hot meal. A barking dog. A piano. A door to close. Your own room. Your own bed to sleep in. Your own bathroom. A running car. A paycheck. Privacy. Independence. The ability to say and do what you desire. To communicate how you feel. To seek medical attention when you are unwell. To do things without worrying about a bill or a cost. To learn. To love.

Feeling welcomed. Feeling safe. Feeling appreciated. Feeling accepted. Feeling worthy. Feeling valued. Feeling loved.

My losses have taught me how cruel this world can be. But they have also showed me what I deserve. What I should let go of and how to grow.

This cold world has humbled me. But it has showed me how to embrace who I am.

That my feelings of regret, rejection, and shame should not over power my life. That I should not consume myself with thoughts of unworthiness or failure.

That rock bottom can truly be the solid foundation on which I can build my life.

That there are far far better things ahead than those that we leave behind.

In 2019, my resolution is to be unapologetically myself. To not feel embarrassed of my past, my beliefs, my values, and my feelings even if they are unpopular in today's world. To embrace the things that make me so different and share that others. To hold close those that stand by me, and for me, no matter what, and to continue to do the same for them. To never change just to be accepted or liked. To have no fear of judgement, rejection or ridicule. To be the friend I have always been and always will be. To take care of myself. To carry on. To hope. To pray. To forgive. To love me for me.

Happy New Year Everyone !

2019. The best is yet to come.

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brightsideofrockbottom · 6 years ago

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I'd wake up every morning in a bed that seemed to take up the whole room and stare out a window to see a large yard and a field covered in white snow. The snow would fall and fall and fall.

I never thought as time went by I would fall and fall and fall just like that snow.

Snow did not experience pain when it hit the ground. But I did. Every single time I fell, it hurt and I seemed to remain for a while and then eventually would melt just like the snow had.

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I'd walk outside every day and it would snow. I had my coat on, my hat and little gloves. I felt like I was out for hours but I never felt cold.

I never thought as time went by I would feel so cold all the time. Like there was no way to get warm.

The wind always in my face. Even when I was indoors. The room was cold. The floor was cold. The food was cold. The love was cold. Everything was so cold now. I find it hard to believe that I once had the ability to get warm. Everything is freezing.

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I'd look out the window every day and watch the neighbor across the street plow the snow from the driveway. Eventually there was a pile of snow that would grow and grow and grow and remain. It never seemed to go away.

I never thought as time went by troubles would pile up just like that snow did.

But it wasn't fun. It wasn't something you can climb to the top of and slide down on a little red sled. I could try to climb it and conquer it, but always ended up slipping down the sides. As much as I tried to shovel some of it away, it never seemed like enough. Because just like that snow, everything just started to pile up again. The mound was ever growing. Many small victories never seemed to get me to the top.

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I'd lay out in the front yard in the snow and look up at the grey sky. I moved my arms back and forth. I tried to stand up and then I would look down. Down at the ground. No longer at the sky. A snow angel. But the angel on the ground was too far from the sky.

I never thought as time went by I would find that's the closest I ever got to Heaven.

When the song plays, I always sing along now. Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow.

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brightsideofrockbottom · 6 years ago

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Via “She loves London “ on Facebook.

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brightsideofrockbottom · 6 years ago

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In loving memory of my first car.

September 14, 2009- September 12,2018.

I was 17 years old, holding a check in my hand walking into Driver’s Village Toyota in Syracuse to pick up my very first car. A 2010 brand new black Toyota Corolla.

After working almost full time hours at the pizzeria, I finally had what I needed to make a down-payment on a brand new car. A car that was all mine. Something I had purchased. A car that was going to bring me to places I never thought I’d end up. A car that was going to get me from here to there and everywhere and provide me with memories I never imagined I would have. Something I could rely on and gave me sense of security.

So, let’s start at the beginning of your journey.

You brought me to and from high school every day of my senior year. Brought my friends and I to the mall, days out in the town of Skaneateles, to dances, or just for random drives to no where. Playing a multitude of mix CD’s. You gave us a place to blast music and sing old school Lil Wayne songs like idiots.

You got me to and from all my dance and karate classes. My recitals and tournaments.

You brought me to and from work at Valentine’s Pizza. No matter the weather.

You took me to prom when my date ditched me.

You brought me to my high school graduation & the graduation parties of all my friends. You brought me to say goodbye to all the people that helped me make it through high school.

Then you brought me over the George Washington Bridge and into the next wonderful chapter of my life.

I remember pulling into the parking lot at Adelphi and placing that resident sticker in your window.

You brought me to and from my first bar and my first night club.

You were there to pick up any new friends that needed a ride. Many of those that have come and gone from my life, and many that still remain.

You brought me to and from Syracuse to my parent’s house on all my college breaks.

You made it through Hurricane Sandy without a scratch.

You brought me to and from my grandparents’ house.

You took me to all my summer classes at Stony Brook.

You took me and my grandpa to his doctor’s appointments.

You brought us to All American or Dunkin Donuts afterwards.

You brought me to the hospital when he was dying and the Burger King down the block to get him the sundaes or milkshakes that he wasn’t allowed to have.

You brought me to his funeral.

You took me to the cemetery where he was buried.

You took me back to Syracuse the summer before my senior year.

You brought me to the vet when my dog got sick and to the place where she would be cremated.

You brought me back to Adelphi with a new attitude to live despite all my losses.

You took my friends and I to frat parties and happy hours throughout my senior year.

You brought me to my first real world job interview and my college graduation.

You brought me to the pet store to pick up my new rabbit and life companion.

You brought me to my first apartment in Oceanside, and my first day of work at CityMD.

You took my friends and I on many adventures through Brooklyn and Queens, Atlantic City, Hershey park, and all around New Jersey.

You brought me to my beach house in Long Beach and to the CityMD office down the block.

You brought me up to Syracuse one last time to move all my belongings from the house when we moved.

You brought me up to the Hudson Valley to start graduate school.

You brought me down to the South when I lost everything and back up to New York when I was given another chance.

99,000 miles later you brought me on the Meadow Brook Parkway to take me to work.

That’s where your story ends.

One impact. You were sandwiched between two other vehicles, and in a matter of seconds you were no longer. Nothing but these wonderful collection of memories. Things I’ll never forget as long as I live.

So I want to thank you. Thank you so so much. For without you, where would I be.

You can rely on people, luck, fate, and timing for a lot of things. But no matter what the case, I could always rely on you. You kept me safe.

When things got stressful or difficult you were always a safe place to go.

You were a place to nap, a place to sleep, and a place to keep whatever possessions didn’t fit elsewhere.

You were a place where I listened to music. The first place I tried out any and all new Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, or Demi Lovato CDs.

You were a place to cry over things; either insignificant and small or heart wrenching.

A Place I broke down.

A Place I made phone calls, sang, or just gave myself a pep talk.

A place where I kissed, loved, and laughed.

A place I learned lessons.

A second home.

You never truly realize that through all of these crazy moments of your life something as generic as a car can be such a big part of it.

Most importantly, I want to thank my car for keeping me safe. I walked out of the driver’s side door after this accident with nothing but minor injuries, but more importantly my life.

I walked out of the only door that worked in the entire car, back into the world with a second chance.

Another chance to make more memories, to learn more lessons, and to just enjoy the ride.

Thank you car,

Thank you for everything. I bid you farewell. Thank you for 9 years of incredible memories.

You will forever have a piece of my heart.

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brightsideofrockbottom · 6 years ago

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I made this post two years ago, when I truly thought I “beat this”. I can’t say that things were perfect back in 2016, but I can say that year was when I could honestly tell people I was truly happy. Sure I made mistakes that year that I wasn’t proud of, met people I wish I could unmeet, and had nights I wish I could erase from my memory. However, all of the good things I had going for me that year made those couple of incidents or phases seem insignificant at the time.

That year I was accepted to, and attending a school that had seemed so promising to bring me into my future career. This was something I was waiting on for a long time. I was excited and thrilled. I felt important and intelligent. My hard work had finally paid off and everyone that told me to quit could finally eat their words. I was studying something I loved and on the path to doing something I loved.

On top of this I had reconnected with someone from my past that filled my head with false promises that we were meant to be together and that fate brought us back together again after several years. I had someone to talk to every day that I came home from school. Someone that asked me how my day was and made me laugh. Someone that made me see a childhood crush turn into a future. Someone that made me believe in love and fate and more importantly someone that made me happy. Someone that made me see marriage and kids and successful careers and white picket fences and sunshine and rainbows and everything wonderful.

I was finally on the road to “success”. I felt like all the bad things had finally faded away and now I felt like I could tell everyone “don’t give up” “it gets better” “I was like you once; you aren’t alone” “this is temporary” “one day all your dreams will come true”.

I had those two things, and I felt like I had everything. My world was complete. I was on cloud nine.

Little did I know, into a new year I would watch my life literally crumble right before my eyes. I would watch everything I had built get destroyed. I would slowly start to lose everything- myself included. I could go into detail about everything that happened, but that would take up a whole other post in itself.

Long story short, the man chose someone else, the school chose someone else. Two things gone. Everything else just started to follow. Lost my apartment, lost a lot of money, lost friends, lost the unity of my family, lost my sanity, lost myself.

Now here I am analyzing this situation. Analyzing this post. I felt that I “beat this” before. Back in 2014 after graduating college, and again in 2010 when I had graduated high school and moved. Why did I think I beat this? Because I made the good things I had count for more than the bad stuff. The good things meant a lot to me so it overlook everything else that may have been happening.

You never truly “beat this”. It’s something that stays with you forever. You’re gonna have good days and bad days. Days you spend crying for no reason and nights that you can’t stop smiling and laughing. There will be days that you wish you could repeat over and over again and nights where you lie in bed and wouldn’t mind if you just didn’t wake up in the morning. Times you’ll be productive and others when youl’ll just lay in bed all day and be “sad”. Days when you’ll be crying in your car after work and nights when you’re lying on the beach wishing the waves would just take you away.

You can try a million and one things to make it go away, but it’s not something that you can just switch off. Therapy, prayer, medicine, people, pets, places, fitness, food, starving, alcohol, men, tears, blood…… it seems like nothing can fill the void at that time.

There will be situations and things that will happen in your life that you may not have control over or cannot change. But then again, there are things that you can control and situations you can change.

You can ask yourself time and time again “why am I still here?” “what’s the point?” or “what does all of this mean?”. On different occasions you may come up with various answers or responses-both good and bad.

This year, I look back on the things that brought a little light into a lot of the dark things that were present in my life. The things I felt that I had and suddenly disappeared. Overthinking what went wrong and how it was all my fault.

I’ve constantly been someone that has always loved and cared about other people. Someone that always offered a helping hand, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on. The person you can always count on. And I think I’ve always been like this because it’s what I’ve always wanted in my life since I was very young. I was always a loser, I was never popular, I was never “pretty”, and I never was someone with a lot of friends, and I was constantly finding myself to be alone.

This year’s mantra for National Suicide Prevention week is “Tomorrow Needs You”. Over the past few weeks, I’ve looked at this statement and couldn’t come up with a reason. People I trusted, people I was there for, people I helped, people that made me smile, people that made me happy…. Stabbed me in the back and watched the blood run down my spine, pushed my head underwater when I was drowning, shattered my heart and soul into a million pieces and walked away as if nothing had happened. Broke me when I finally felt like I was fixed. Chose someone else over me. AGAIN. Made me feel like damaged goods. The lights in my darkness had faded and everything was black.

If people did this to me, why do I still desire to love and care for them. Well, this world is full of cruel, cold, and horrible people. And I choose to NOT be one of them. The problem with this world is there aren’t enough good people out there that think and feel and express themselves in ways that make others feel good. People need People. Good people. People that can support others. People that hope. People that believe. People that are loyal. People that don’t judge. People that can be a friend. People that give others a chance. People that can love. People that can be trusted. People that understand. People that can make even the darkest days a little brighter. And hey, if each day, I could be that one “good” person to someone else…. I feel like I truly fulfilled my purpose here. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I realized that I can’t let the horrible things that others have done to me change who I am, how I act, and how I treat others.

Call me crazy but I still believe there are people out there with good intentions. Genuine souls. People I can relate to. People that won’t think I’m weird or nuts because I’ve had several rough patches in my life and sometimes I get really anxious or depressed or cry or panic or hurt myself.

People that can accept THAT.

People that can accept that part of me. People that give me a chance.

People that genuinely want and appreciate me, and what I bring to the table.

People that can help me, help myself.

Because I am that person, and that is who I will remain.

Be that person too.

Tomorrow needs me because: This world needs one more good person, and that person is me.

*If you or someone you know is struggling with any type of mental health issues please be THAT PERSON. Do not ignore them, be there for them and assist them in getting the help they need*

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brightsideofrockbottom · 6 years ago

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An Ode to my Scrubs: why you’ve made me feel like a SCRUB.

My first thought: wow.. you make me look like I have a real job.

CADAVER LAB OMG MY FAVORITE. Look at all the real dead humans we get to cut up. LETS SCHOOL.

OMG I’M SO COOL AND I LOOK LIKE I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.

Look at me kinda sorta taking care of people.

Real life. Adulting.

But year after year, you get tired of saying the same thing 100 times a day.

“hi my name’s Melinda and I’ll be assisting the physician today”

I don’t even say my name anymore because it doesn’t matter.

In one ear and out the other.....

Asking the same few questions- do you take any medications on a regular basis… are you allergic to anything? How long have you been feeling sick for?....

“DOES IT MATTER HOW LONG I FEEL TERRIBLE. JUST HELP ME”

“WHY DO THESE QUESTIONS MATTER GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR MY PAIN”

“I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS”

“YOURE NOT THE DOCTOR CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE AND GO GET THEM”

(triage is fun)

…………………………………………….

Well okay then.

Running around from room to room as if a ray of sunshine radiates from my sneakers that I’ve worn down to the soles. Glowing from the sweat streaming down my face and running down my back.

A smile has become more of a reflex than it has become a way to express an emotion.

Patient’s flood in, it seems endless. Cringing at every chief complaint.

The attendings bark their orders.

My computer becomes my friend. Typing and Typing and Typing. What time did we start that IV?

How much of that medication did we give? Did I order their x-ray? OH great another patient we have to send to the hospital.

>I can’t stand to witness another Against Medical Advice form.

>Every time we drain an abscess, they always seem to be smellier than the previous one.

> STDs really do run rampant. Can’t trust anyone.

> I really hate chaperoning GYN exams. Females are gross.

>how many more sutures do we need…. REALLY. Cutting these are getting old real quick.

>If I see one more worker’s comp case, I’m gonna lose it.

>I’m never getting out of here tonight, I’m so behind in my charts. IM FUCKED.

>>>>>>>>My god, I wish I could get a work note….

>I’m hungry. Feel like I haven’t eaten since 2012.

>I have a headache maybe I can give myself a Toradol shot, or I’ll take some Zofran. I’m not even hungover though……

> I think I finally have time to run to the bathroom.

>these scrubs make me look 300 pounds.

>EW I LOOK DISGUSTING

MELINDA.

I need you in Room 5.

Yes?

Can you please clean the vomit out of here please.

SUREEEEE. Absolutely.

Okay I never wanna eat again.

Lets take a solid walk to the biohazard bin.

*Thinking about what it would be like to be like those women that get on the train every morning. With their hair and make up done. Pencil skirts and blazers. Heels and dress coats. Louis Vuitton bags. Rose gold Apple lab tops. Carrying their coffee travel mugs that read “Boss Babe”. Leaving the office just in time for happy hour. Men cannot take their eyes off them. *

Feeling important.

Appreciated.

Powerful…………………………..

Pretty.

!Dress that wound.set up the room for this procedure.triage this patient. order these labs.check on this patient.discharge this one. call this pharmacy. prepare to transfer this patient. Swab this throat. Check their sugar. Get me a tetanus. where’s the crash cart?!

>YOU REALLY NEED TO MOVE A LITTLE FASTER. <

WHERE ARE YOU?

REALLY YOU’RE EATING A G A I N?

One O’Clock in the morning. Don’t forget to take out the garbages.

Not a thank you to be found.

Sit in the car. Glare at the Odometer and then up to my mirror.

Wow I look like hell with a handbag. My waterproof mascara and eyeliner are smudged under my eyes or completely gone.

My hair up in the same clip.

Douse myself in perfumes and scented lotions. Still felling just as frumpy and gross as I did when I walked in.

What kind of day was it?

Do I feel like crying? Do I need a drink?

Do I need to?

Maybe I just can’t anymore.

Why do I have such a love for people? Blessing and a curse.

Get home. Bring my bag into the bathroom.

Sit on the floor, pull out the wine.

Turn the shower on. So hot that maybe these germs and feelings of disgust will be debrided from my skin.

I feel better now. Take some Benadryl. Go to sleep. Wake up. Day shift or Night? What day is it again?

Put on my scrubs.

Try to make my face and hair look pretty in this ugly place.

Poison myself with Caffeine. I’m ready. Just look forward to having a drink later.

That’s my medicine.

Let’s heal.

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brightsideofrockbottom · 6 years ago

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“don’t mess with someone’s feelings if you’re unsure of yours.”

—

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brightsideofrockbottom · 6 years ago

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An Open Letter to The Girls that Bullied Me: I should have passed you this note years ago.

With bullying, mental illness, and suicide becoming more and more prevalent in our society, we sit here and think HOW and WHY are people so FUCKED up. It’s really not a hard concept to grasp. I think about my own experiences and how absolutely nothing was done about it.

Greetings Madam,

You are being notified today of the absolute and utter pain and suffering you have caused Me throughout my childhood years and even into college. I just want to make you aware that I couldn’t have an enjoyable school experience like most kids, school was a place I dreaded going to and always wanted to avoid. It was a prison, a place I felt trapped, and the memories of what you did to me and the scars you left me with are instilled in my mind and on my body and I wish every day I could erase them, and I have you to thank for that.

I always blamed myself, because everything I did, anything I said, any way I would look….. you could detect a flaw. But ladies, where did the flaw lie? Oh yes, in YOUR character.

I understand now that something just wasn’t right with all of you. Whatever that was, I wish you had better outlets to deal with it other than torturing me. And for your sake I hope that whatever you were going through at the time has departed you, and that you are at peace.

I’m not here to point out all the reasons you were wrong, because quite frankly you should be well aware of this already.

Remember how you used to make fun of my religion and me practicing my religion? I never used to preach to you about anything, but one of the sole principles my religion teaches is the act of forgiveness. It took me years and countless hours of prayer, but I FORGIVE YOU. I don’t need an apology because I’ve come to terms that I will never receive one. Instead, here is what I hope for you.

I hope you realize how your actions truly effect other people’s lives.

I hope you are sorry.

I hope you speak kindly.

I hope fat, ugly, disgusting, dirty, slut, whore, loser, reject, prude, and other profanities are words you no longer use to speak to others.

I hope you learn to embrace and accept others that are different from you.

I hope you learn to communicate how you feel in a more appropriate way.

I hope you acquire empathy.

I hope you can sympathize with others.

I hope you can be that person that sees someone crying and upset and try to comfort them, even if they are a complete stranger.

I hope you have a family, and you treat them all with respect.

I hope you never wake up to the sound of your daughter crying.

I hope you never pick her up from school just to see her face in tears.

I hope you never hear her beg you to take her away from your hometown.

I hope you never see the hateful things other post about her online.

I hope you never find a hate page for her on Facebook.

I hope you never have to hear her say “I don’t have any friends”

I hope she never tells you “no one thinks, I’m pretty”

I hope she never tells you “I’m not good enough” or “I want to give up”

I hope you never find her blood on your bathroom floor, next to an empty box of bandages.

I hope that if she ever needs help, you will provide it for her.

I hope you teach her to be good to others, even if others are not good to her.

I hope you teach her to love in ways that you NEVER could.

I hope kindness is something that flows from your soul. I hope you learn from your mistakes.

I hope you embrace this note as my story, and as an advisory for you to change your ways.

It’s not too late.

Thank you for making me stronger, but just know there are others that are not so strong and have not made it through these kinds of struggles.

You can forget about me, but please keep them in mind whenever you open your mouth, post something on social media, or choose to ignore a human in pain.

I’ll pray for you.

Take care.

Sincerely,

Just a Victim

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