brendansafr

[brendansafr]

 I am alone          sober   and utterly without support

I am not              these feelings

[brendansafr]

I remember a day when signal lights were made of bulb in a revolving cylinder

These days, they just have 4 Light Emitting Diodes on a timer circuit

A clever substitution, most certainly

to trade the lighthouse approach

for four brief flashes of sensation

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I am certain the port lies just ahead it must just be that the lighthouse lamp and the waves are in perfect sync else, why can't I see the flashes?

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conversation fragments like flashes of images in a dream like flashes of a visual between dark, rolling waves hills of liquid which come and go the lighthouse flashes are not visible through the water

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sensation = sense + imagination

Is our life any more than brief sensations?

surely my heart could be easily replaced by a pacemaker

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How quickly we let go of a complete, whole, and well rounded life, a circular life, In brief trade for any other shape that is easier to manage so long as the critical sensations can still be achieved

Some lifetimes leave you in the state of wanting no more that a line, an angle, even a single anchoring point would be acceptable, as long as something can still be felt from it

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capitulating

i am sick and tired of the constant capitulating wishing for death waiting for checks for another month of suffering buffering internet lazy slack sweat waiting for someone to save me from debt

stuck in my box afraid to go out of it afraid of what happens when i sit inside die inside zombified petrified faking lies breaking ties shatter glass window while the sirens outside did somebody die? am I still alive lets trade laces trade places next time because a bed or a gurney makes no difference to the attorney caught in this whirlwind of pain hurting economy dirt lurching halt eat salt join the cult of jerking off to winning lottery numbers waiting to hear til the click of the tumblers waiting to hear til the door get knocked down suicide caller someone's on the fifth floor ready to jump I'm just playing faking feigning didn't even do it for attention just did it to hear the squealsof the tires fat pig cops burning rubber screeching tires for real just wanna see em sweat just wanna hear the boots start fast then slow down hear em huffle and puff cause theres no lift just stairs just wanna hear the battering ram at my door while i huff, puff, smoke a joint on the edge and imagine the apartment building as a seaside bluff with a rocky sea below

pray I don't have to watch would you close your eyes? be surprised? when I say I feel like a clown when I jump cause when I do I see that view from halfway down Alison Tafel, you brilliant but me I ain't shit just a stupid piece of shit eyes open while I'm aiming my fall so my brain hits a rock before the water teeter totter in the rearview mirror brain hippocampus beater car so high I don't know how I got this far or why I even bother to drive to the corner store to get a bag of something crunchy eye the lottery booth as I walk by but I know I can't resist so I sigh, fuck it buy, cause fuck it and when I get home I lie to myself and lie down pray the lord my soul but not to keep just prayin' please god let me die in my sleep so tomorrow I don't have to wake up wonder wander down paths feeling somber water my plants and get hit with the sonder not that I'm comparing cause their lives ain't even vibrant, they're bleak just like mine it may be that the meek inherit the earth but what will it be worth if it's been shat on since birth and taxed on its girth and waxed cynical dearth waned into terrible growing pains emerging from dirt

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smoke curls straight hair curls through sunlight shimmering air

slice of life slice of sunlight paints stained wall brilliant white

bending light mind bright tall stature small form hair thin fracture crack down the mug side third eye opens wide make us blind

bong glass balcony talcum-y taste of burnt acid teeth lips happy tea you welcome love freely free

bedsit peaceful dresser-top altar where you sit is throne, king, and crown all at once all in same place

replace heart race with slower pace

feel your face yawn and pace coffee machine pancakes

levitate dawn is bright but you are brighter to you pray bow sit scrape all day every day sunday morning eternal

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I don’t see my “self” in my mirror,

just my “body,”

a vessel,

a tool.