brdsongs - Tumblr blog

[brdsongs]

she's embarrassed he sees her like this , always so petrified of what could come if she wore her heart on her sleeve , vulnerable in a way that only he was ever able to make her feel . his fingers are cold against the warmth of her own , lump in her throat forced down by a hard swallow that somehow only manages to aid the tears in slipping out faster . her head shakes , even more upset at the fact that he thought staying away from her was what was helping ⸺ how was it still not obvious that they needed each other ? and just like that, three words pierce through center of her chest . he loves her , a fact that was known but never said until now . she almost wishes she didn't ask , knowledge of his true feelings for her just makes it that much harder to understand why he acts the way that he does . " you need to stop pushing me away , " it's only now that her eyes are truly able to meet his , fingers shifting to slide between his . like always , a perfect fit . " you think you staying away from me is going to change whatever this is that constantly brings us back to each other but it's not ⸺ and i don't want it to , " at this point , any thoughts of her current relationship have long left her train of thought , banks was the only one she wanted . he always was . " you're too hard on yourself when it comes to us , we both have problems it's not just you . . . i just wish you would stay so we can figure them out , instead of always running off at the first sign of trouble " ⸺ " i want to be with you , " hand squeezes his , corner of her mouth just barely twitching upwards as glossy eyes lock with his , " i love you . "

they always had a problem with miscommunication , it was an issue that came with two stubborn people trying to make things work . he's trying his best right now , despite cool exterior , his heart is fucking racing . mind too . only thing to do is listen as she trails on about everything he possibly has done wrong . should it really matter how the message gets across as long as she knows how he feels ? he can't see the problem with it . not until eyes watch as tears begin to fall from her lids , homme having to look away because he can't bare it . can't bare to know he's causing her pain , when it's the last thing on earth he wants to do . banks walks over to femme , closing the physical distance between them , digits reach for hers . " c'm here . i don't like upsetting you , or watching you cry noel . it's like all i manage to do though , that's why i try to stay away . you think i want to be halfway across the world doing press gettin asked about you ? it's torture thinking about you knowing i don't deserve you . i got to write that shit out , sing about it , just to not lose my mind . if you need to hear me say it , then i love you . of course i do —— fuck , i mean , last night was perfect . you're perfect . it's me noel , not you . "

[brdsongs]

the guilt that washes over him is unbearable , already struggled to live with the thought that he broke the heart of his first and probably only true love ⸺ but it's different seeing her face to face , both better and worse than he'd imagined it'd be to see her again after all their years apart . her words hang heavy in the air between them , heart tight in his chest just before it sinks to the deepest pit of his stomach . she did what she had to , she moved on . image of them together almost makes him feel sick , another man's arm wrapped around her shoulders , their laughter mixing in the air before he leans over to place kisses against the spot on her temple that always made her blush . " you don't think i wanted to come back ? do you think i preferred spending my summers tucked up in some stuffy apartment in some stuffy apartment in l.a. with jude more than being here with you ? " the answer to that much should be obvious . " if i would've come back here i would've stayed here , i couldn't risk it , " he shakes his head , wishing he had a better explanation but that's the simple, honest truth . " be honest ⸺ do you love him ? "

she was quickly beginning to realize that everything wasn't simple when it came to carson . she used to believe that love was the single handed most simplest thing of all , especially the love she thought they once shared . high school sweethearts , destined to be married , each other's first : all apart of their dreaded past now . " it just doesn't make sense , i guess it never will . but you did what you had to and ultimately , so did i --- i've still come back to haven every summer , and the first few , i think i hoped you'd show up too . but not now carson . "

[brdsongs]

" does he know that ? 'cause from where i'm sitting it looks like he still thinks whatever you had is still salvageable no matter how long ago it was , and i don't play second string , especially not to exes . "

     “ he's right , i did love him . he was my first big love and all of that stuff . i was eighteen ! –– it doesn't matter now , and it never will . because i have you . ”

[brdsongs]

sometimes she wondered if he ever actually bothered to think before he let the words come out of his mouth . " i'm saying that if i just wanted someone to fuck and leave i would've called someone i didn't give a shit about ⸺ but i didn't , i called you , " she interjects , feeling as though that alone should be an action that speaks for itself . a hand cards through her hair , ears growing warmer the longer he speaks until she feels like she's about to explode . " that's the fucking problem ! i hear it on the fucking radio and i don't hear it from you , you would rather sit across from some dick faced interviewer and pour your heart out to him about how you feel about me but as soon as we get face to face it's always a different fucking story , " she doesn't realize when it happened but she's standing now , voice cracking with every syllable as her eyes begin to well with something hot . " you keep saying you care about me but you don't bother to prove it ⸺ and i'm not talking about you flying across the country for me and writing songs for me to decode your feelings . i need ⸺ " her breath catches , a tear rolling down her cheeks as the tension in her shoulders finally releases , " i need you to tell me you love me . "

this is what it would always be like for them , amazing sex and pointless arguments . the two so similar in so many ways that it was almost impossible to ever agree on anything . it's something banks loved and fucking hated about their situation . orbs watch as she sits down sporting his attire from last night , digits bringing some much needed coffee to brims before he speaks . " nah , i know you got plenty of people on speed dial for that shit " syllables are laced with jealousy , finding it hard to bite his tongue when all he can think about now is the fact that other men have had a taste of whats his . " or you're trying to say that you could have better if it was just about sex —— don't make me laugh .. " he almost does until eyes meet hers . " i have admitted that , many fuckin times noel . what else do you want from me here ? you call me saying you miss me and i fly back home from across the country . you see the shit i say about you , you hear about it when you turn on the fuckin radio ⸺ yea , i am tired of this . tired of you acting like i don't give a fuck about you . "

[brdsongs]

" you're trying to ' work on things ' ? you don't even sound like you believe that , " she lets out a soft laugh , didn't realize working on a marriage involved hooking up with someone who wasn't your wife . " you don't have to act like you wanna protect me . i made as much of a choice last night as you did if i thought you were ' stringing me along ' i wouldn't have done it , " her head shakes , the corner of her lip twitching up with the slightest bit of a smile . it's more fun watching him squirm than she thought it'd be . " why are you , like , freaking out ? i thought we were just having fun . . . " bottom lip is gently tugged between her teeth before she continues , " didn't you enjoy my company last night ? "

tries his best to hide the disappointment creeping onto features by taking a swig of bourbon . the burn down his throat incomparable to noa bringing up his wife . " i'm not worried , i know you wouldnt ... it's just , her and i are trying to work on things . i know my actions last night don't really line up with that but it's the truth .. —— i just don't want you to think that i'm stringing you along . "

[brdsongs]

" and of course you're trying to flip this on me . . . " comment is meant to be muttered under her breath but comes out louder than she anticipates . still , just another classic and convenient case of jonesy refusing to take the blame for anything that's gone wrong in their relationship . " i don't know what you expect from me ! do you know how fucking exhausting it is trying to maintain your attention ? maybe there wasn't anyone else but you always made sure i knew that there could be , every time it starts getting serious with us your eye wanders over to something shiny and new , so yea i pulled away because i couldn't fucking take it anymore . " ⸺ " i came over here to tell you that i genuinely want to try with you . we have something , you know we do ⸺ but i am tired of playing these fucking games . i want to be with you but not like this so i'm done . ball's in your court now . "

     “ oh that's such bullshit , and you fucking know it . ” he barks out a laugh . “ no way are you sitting here saying that you act this way because of me , when i act this way because of you . it's not like you change how you act . it's not like you're even aware of how you're so fickle . you just are . ––– always someone else . give me a fucking break . there's been no one but you until there wasn't . you expect me to be a model citizen while we're not together ? get real . ”

[brdsongs]

" there's no problem it's just . . . usually the whole purpose of a break is that we're supposed to come back to each other but given how cozy you just were with that blonde i'm starting to think you have other plans . "

closed starter for @boohoos .

     “ you're asking for a break and i'm giving it to you . what's the problem now ? did you want me to grovel or something ? ”

[brdsongs]

" wow , you might actually be more fucking delusional than i thought , " she scoffs , outright refusing to believe that he isn't the slightest bit aware of the way he manages to wiggle their relationship into almost every on camera appearance he takes . resentfully , she takes a seat on his couch , center of his button down pulled across either side of her still barely clothed body before her arms fold across her chest . this was starting to feel hopeless , the constant attempts to explain to him that all she wanted was to know that he wanted her , the lack of which makes it hard for herself to admit that he's the only one she wants . " do you really think that if i just wanted to fuck i would call you ? " she huffs , a soft ' fuck ' muttered under her breath as her eyes finally glance up to meet his . " i miss you . . . i don't want to but i do and it sucks because i know you'll never admit to feeling the same . " ⸺ " seriously , banks , aren't you tired of this ? "

right , nothing was supposed to happen . she was delusional if she really believed that the two of them could strictly talk without ending up with their clothes off . somehow they always managed to end up tangled between sheets together , magnetic even when they're worlds apart . " yea you sure moved on ... " a smug laugh follows , i mean , look at where she was at . his place , still half naked . " mysteriously got away ? " features appear puzzled , " i just answer the stupid fuckin questions they throw at me . thats on you if you're reading into that shit noel —— where are you even pulling this shit from ? " banks is growing frustrated , not of her , but of her really believing he didn't want her . wasn't it obvious how badly he did ? " i thought it was just sex between us last night , the way you're acting is telling a different story right now . "

[brdsongs]

" it's not just as simple as that , autumn , " he lets out a sigh , one of frustration that's not directed at her but at himself for being so incapable of accurately describing things from his perspective . "i knew you would understand and that's exactly why i couldn't tell you , i didn't deserve your empathy for doing something i should have done a long time ago ⸺ but you're sitting here acting like i left just because felt like ghosting the entirety of my life , so maybe you wouldn't get it the way i thought you would . "

" you don't up and disappear on someone you love carson ... " she sighs , honestly not wanting to rehash the past . not when she was so focused on leaving him and their unfinished business in it . " i don't know whats worse —— you thinking i wouldn't understand why you had to go or you thinking i don't deserve an explanation at all . "

[brdsongs]

" i know . . . and i know we said this was just supposed to be fun but i can't pretend like i don't have feelings for you anymore ⸺ are you really gonna tell me you don't feel what i feel ? "

     “ it wasn't supposed to be this complicated and the more ––- the more time we spend together , it feels like strings are attaching . ”

[brdsongs]

" i can't believe you've somehow gotten even more full of yourself since the last time i've seen you ⸺ it's honestly impressive , " deny , deny , deny . . . he's bound to believe it at some point , right ? " do you seriously think even if i wrote a few songs about you a year ago that it now equates to me missing you ? i heard your last album , if either of us is missing someone it's you . "

"    i'm    the    inspiration    behind    half    of    those    songs    on    your    album    ,    noel    .    don't    tell    me    you    don't    miss    me    .    "

[brdsongs]

" i wasn't lying when i said that ⸺ i hate that i made you think i didn't love you but stuff came up and i had to go , if i would've told you i wouldn't have left and i don't expect you to understand but couldn't risk that with jude . . . i'm sorry . "

i miss you, i'm sorry — gracie abrams.

" you said forever , and i almost bought it ... "

[brdsongs]

" you constantly keeping your guard up around me is the entirety of the reason we've fallen into this shit in the first place ⸺ you say one thing and then act the complete opposite and it's gotten to a point where i literally can't keep up with you , " hair is pushed back with her hand , head shaking as she struggles to even find the words to say . " that's exactly the problem jonesy , there's always someone else . it was never just me and sometimes i just wish you'd admit it so we can either move forward or move on. "

     “ i feel like i have no choice to keep my guard up where you're concerned . ––- like , you like to wait until you see me with someone else to even try and talk to me again . it's giving me whiplash . ”

[brdsongs]

" i was drunk and you answered , nothing was supposed to happen . . . " right , like that's a good excuse . a hand cards through her hair , just being around him raises her blood pressure ; equal parts addicting and aggravating . " oh fuck off ⸺ i let go , i moved on , and then there you go in interviews talking about me like i'm the one that just mysteriously got away , " he's the one who pushed her away , the one who rung their relationship through a constant cycle of sabotage until it drove them completely apart . but of course that's the part that he chooses not to see . " isn't this exactly what you wanted ? all the benefits of having a girlfriend without the actual girlfriend ? or was it just me that you didn't want ? "

this back and forth shit with noel was getting old but he'd rather have it like this than not have it at all . even when he wasn't with her , he was thinking about her . thinking about her boyfriend too , shit makes him sick . " you got a wild imagination .. " he takes a deep breath before brushing off her comment completely . she had it all wrong per usual . " you hit my line noel , i think you're the one that has to let go . or find a dude that doesn't make you miss your ex . "

[brdsongs]

" what is there to fix ? i saw you with another guy lena that's it , i know where we stand now ⸺ and don't try to bullshit me again either 'cause i'm honestly sick of the revolving door of excuses . "

touch & go - tinashe .

     “ i just wanna fix this , but you don't wanna try . if you don't wanna be , why you always on my line ? ––– putting your peace over mine . ”

[brdsongs]

🐚  //  mutual  &  primarily  dash  exclusive  ,  medium  - ish activity  ,  loved  by  kenny

[brdsongs]

" i told you exactly what was going to happen last night , so you don't get to be upset when i actually go back to someone who wants me the way you never did " ⸺ " we had one more night , now we have to let it go . "

" so you sleep with me last night and then run back to your boyfriend ? "