brattyb4tty - Tumblr blog

[brattyb4tty]

who am i now without you

im not sure im strong enough right now to truly answer that.

im a mess a bunch of jumbled pieces after years of trauma and self sabotage there is so much to fix i feel overwhelmed. and im scared to be alone scared to be without you after all this time. its been 10 years and nothing really happened. no cheating. no hitting. maybe some verbal abuse and for sure i did my fair share. but i feel like i cant even be validated in ending it. i hate when people ask what happened and i say i love him im just not in love anymore. because that doesnt feel like its quite the truth. the truth is im not sure it could be fixed at all and deep in my heart i dont think i wanted to try if it could it would be so much work and im so fucked u and you deserve to be happy but so do i and i dont even know if i could be happywith anyone. i legit might be too crazy and that is terrifying. i might be too messed uo to ever love. you loved me almost too muh and i fucked you up. ihurt you so much and i still feel terrible about it. i feel a deep longing in my heart for you but for the friendship you offered. your strong arms comforting me when i feel lowest you have always been that for me. safe. saftey and i feel guilty for leaving you. for how i did it im just a mess. i have nothing figured out. maybe im too insane maybe this was the worst decision ever but its one i actually made and we both know how indecisive i am. i feel a certain heavy sort of peace that i did the right thing. but it still doesnt feel good. maybe it will just take time to get there. i hope it happens soon for me but i hope you feel better firdt. you really are a sweet sweet kind honest man. i just dont think i was the one for you and i think iwas to selfish to say it. to scared. im sorry i wasted so much of youre time. i hope one day you look back with fond memories. because i sure do. and i hope one day when this has all died down i can tell you i never left you for someone else you misunderstood i wouldnt have ever done that. i wouldnt do that to you.