brandon-delacruz-blog

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I don’t know who I want to be yet, that part of me hasn’t been figured out. I do know who I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be that anti-social wall flower waiting for people to talk to him. My aspiration to become more outgoing stems from the beautiful souls I’ve had the pleasure to know. I’m a little drunk and I’m just talking shit but truly I speak from my inner self. I need to break out of my shell of comfort and forget the anxiety and over-thinking bits of me to be the person I deserve to know. Tonight helped me realize how bad I am at communication and that maybe I’m just not destined to have people come to me/talk to me maybe it’s me and my lesson in life is to learn how to effectively build proper relations and socially entertain the new people I meet or want to approach. My whole approach I’ve tried to be considerate and polite bc that’s how I grew up but I feel like my manners have developed social anxieties from unexpected encounters, miscommunication, and worrying too much about my reputation and how people will see or talk about me. A part of me still cares about that but at the same time I don’t think I should have to indulge people to like me. Not everyone will like me, that’s just life, but I won’t ever know unless I do something about it. Be patient, Rome wasn’t build over night.

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

maybe I’m too tall. not fit enough. too brown for an asian. hips are too big. chest too narrow. eyes aren’t even. teeth are crooked. posture is not straight. feet are flat. thighs too wide. arms aren’t in shape. chin not pointy enough, forehead too big. eyebrow hairs are thin. knees are weak. not good enough.

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I want someone to take me serious. It sucks feeling like you’re not good enough. To feel like you’re not worth someone’s time, to only feel wanted when they feel like it. Kills my confidense and creates more insecurities.

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

it’s just one of those nights where I’m drowning in my thoughts and I can’t save myself. maybe soon these thoughts will win. I sure hope they won’t; at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I don’t get how I can get so bothered by how others feel about me.

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

if there is a God please end this sick joke you call my life.

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

just when I thought I was doing well.

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I shouldn't try to answer my own random thoughts

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I thought as you got older everything falls into place. Career, love, hobbies, and who you want to be. Nowadays it seems almost opposite. Things fall apart; do they fall apart to be reshaped?

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

the theme of this year is be better

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

Thinking about you confuses me. You don't make much sense. It was unexpected for me who you turned out to be. Are you someone I can still trust? Why did you do the things you did? Attention? Revenge? Spite? Or...are you the one who's really hurt? I really can't understand. I heard you accept the love you think you deserve. Do I really deserve this? Am I worth something to someone who treats me this way. Do I even matter?

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I wanna tell you I miss you because I do, but it hurts to think that you won't feel the same.

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I beg those I know personally, please don't ask me about how I'm doing right now it might just kill me.

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I am weak and I will probably die alone My happiness is my mask I cover my emotions to stop the questions My stupidity will be the death of me If I fall into the void Please don't save me Look at my smile isn't it nice

[brandon-delacruz-blog]

I want to disappear from my life, just for a little while.