bpdmadness

[bpdmadness]

So I’ve Been Away...

Hey all,

To be honest I don't really know how to start this one off. I’ve been gone for some time and I feel guilty and am wanting to apologize. But I shouldn’t...

I shouldn’t be apologizing for taking time off due to mental health issues. There’s period’s of times where depression will make me feel unmotivated to do the things that I like. For example, keeping up with this blog. Dealing with depression on top of BPD depression is a whole other beast. Anxiety has also kept me away. This blog is still new and I wanted to be able to post a couple times a week to really kickstart things. Or minimum at least once a week. I started off good, but obviously I failed after a few weeks. Thanks to depression, anxiety, and BPD. With these three mental illnesses, my brain is pretty much mush the majority of the time.

A lot of thoughts were running through my head. Like what if people aren't seeing my posts? What if people don’t like my posts? Do people think that I’m crazy because of what I'm putting in my posts? Thoughts like those are just so tiring and bothering to think about. Especially if they are constantly cycling through your head. But that’s the reality of my anxiety sometimes and the way it makes my brain work. I constantly think about the same thing over and over again until I almost drive myself mad and I just shut down. 

The process is similar with my depression except instead of the thoughts being about what I’m doing, they are about my person. They are particularly so self destructive that it’s so easy to get unmotivated and not believe in yourself. With dealing with regular depression on top of BPD depression, it took me down and I collapsed so fast that I closed myself off from everyone and everything I was doing. I even closed myself off from my FP. And sometimes that can be very hard to do for a person with BPD. 

But like I said in the beginning, I am wanting to apologize but I won’t. Because mental illness can take its toll on a person and sometimes you just need to shut down from everything and everyone. Things happen for a reason and I probably needed a break. And its ok to need a break. And its ok not to be ok. 

[bpdmadness]

Hey my tumblr faves. I haven’t forgotten about you, I’ve just been on a high aitus lately because I haven’t been feeling myself. I’ve been feeling kind of out of it for a while now. Dissociation has gotten the best of me, but I will be back soon with a new post..this is the reality of living with a mental illness where you can have periods of dissociation. For me, I’ve been unmotivated and not feeling like I’m myself, or even real in that matter. I’ve just been existing...

[bpdmadness]

Why BPD?

I have one question for BPD: Why? Why must you make us go through emotional turmoil almost everyday of our lives? Living with BPD feels like grief everyday. Grieving what exactly? Grieving a sane mind that we once had. Grieving how we felt before we were broken and traumatized. Grieving the lives that we could have if we weren’t emotionally broken and mentally ill.

I’m so emotionally unstable that I feel like I’m a crazy person, living in someone else’s mind and body that’s not my own. I don’t want to feel like this at all. No one should want to. I want to feel like I’m able to feel with a valid reason. If that makes sense. BPD will make you feel like any emotional reaction is invalid and irrational. BPD will make you feel like you are outright crazy. And no matter how many times you may be told that you are not, and that you have a right to be feeling like you are, your mind just blocks out all that and makes you go back to feeling like you’re insane.

I just want BPD to disappear forever. I never want to have known BPD. It more than sucks to feel so unstable everyday no matter any help that you can get. Sometimes you feel like you are helpless....actually a lot of the times you feel like you are helpless to the point where you don’t just want BPD to disappear, but you want yourself to disappear as well.

[bpdmadness]

It’s really upsetting that with BPD we can’t live “normally” in a sense because of our intense thoughts and emotions being out to get us 24/7 😢

People really don’t understand how exhausting and excruciating BPD is. Unless I’m screaming and crying or visibly upset and anxious people think I’m “fine”. My brain works on overdrive all the time to make sure I’m not being manipulative or hurting anyone’s feelings and trying to make people not hate me and worrying that all my loved ones will wake up one day and hate me and the intrusive thoughts in my head that I’m awful and selfish will be true. It makes me want to never talk to anyone ever again because I’m just gonna hurt them or manipulate them. If someone even gets remotely annoyed with me or shows any negative emotion towards me it sends me into a panic. I always have the thought of “everyone in my life would be better off without me and all I do is make things difficult” on the back burner. When I get into states like this I can’t see that I’ve ever helped anyone even though rationally I know I have.

[bpdmadness]

This hurts me almost every single day....

it just sucks, knowing that you put all the love and energy into a person but they won’t give it back. there’s no obligation for them to return it yet it fucking hurts because no one ever feels as intensely as you do.

[bpdmadness]

Black and White

BPD is a very complex mental illness. There can be so many symptoms that one person experiences. It can be very confusing for others to understand, let alone the person who is actually suffering. BPD is severe emotional pain (not an official definition) which very much controls a person’s everyday life. I know it controls my life. No matter what I do to try and cope with this illness, it can still be very controlling. I’ve tried many therapists, been on medications, and have done and still do various self care tactics. It really seems like an endless cycle and no matter what I do the symptoms will always be there and can come on really strong. One of those symptoms that can come on strongly for me is black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is either thinking something or someone is really bad, or that something or someone is really good. There is no in between. Not even slightly. It’s one or the other. It can last for a few hours or a few days. It really just depends on the person and/or the situation.

I experienced black and white thinking just a couple of days ago. I had this change of thinking towards my FP. In my mind, he hadn't been treating me the best a couple days prior to my change in thinking. He was taking forever to text me back at times. At one point I saw that he had a heart in his phone next to a person that he had became closer with not too long ago. A lot of people may think that I am overreacting, but I was triggered. My BPD mind makes me think this is a bad thing. This triggered me because I knew that in his phone he just had my name and nothing else. Like I wasn't special to him. I think of myself as his bestfriend and I’ve known him longer than that person, and so to think that I wasn’t special to him hurt a lot. 

Also that same day while we were together, he was glued to his phone texting two other people. One of which was the person he had the heart next to. I couldn’t help but think to myself that he would never be glued to his phone while talking to me. He always takes a while to reply to me. This triggered me even more. One more thing that triggered me to go into black and white thinking towards him was him making jokes about my weight. More than once. Maybe he didn’t think anything of it, but of course I did. This is a sensitive topic for me. I am insecure about my weight and he knows that. So for him to joke about it broke me and ultimately made me think of him as a stranger and a really bad person. I didn’t want to be his friend anymore.

As a person that suffers from BPD, my emotions are heightened and so I felt really really mad at him. I thought that he was my bestfriend. He’s supposed to support me and help make me feel good about myself. But he wasn’t doing that. This led me to not talk to him for 2 days and that's really big for a person with BPD. Especially with their FP. An FP is everything to a person with BPD. 

Now it’s 3 days later and while I’m still on the edge about it and still haven’t forgotten he’s made me feel even more insecure than I already am, I am letting up a little bit. I have not told him that he hurt my feelings with those jokes, but maybe I will soon....or maybe I’m just waiting for the right time to do it...

[bpdmadness]

Can’t wait for your next post!

Ahh thank you!! It’s nice to know that someone is looking forward to hearing about my experiences !! 🥰 I will be posting later today! 🤗

[bpdmadness]

Change in Moods

It’s crazy how fast you can change moods with BPD. One minute you can feel happy. Like you’re on top of the world and everything is going good for you. The next you can be down in the dumps, feeling super low and hopeless. On the verge of tears and eventually crying. This change in moods can leave a person being so confused and lost. It happens so fast. For some it can be within minutes. And for others, it’ll suddenly change halfway through the day. 

Just a few days ago I experienced this quick change in moods. All day I was feeling okay. And by the time night fell, I was a different person. My mood went from okay to low. This was very confusing for me because I couldn't think of a clear reason why my mood dipped. It just did. This is very common for people with BPD. The change in moods can happen with no clear reason/no reason at all. Before I knew it, I was crying and felt even lower. I tried to distract myself by watching Netflix, but that didn't work as well as it usually does. I just felt broken....all I wanted to do after crying was go to sleep. I didn’t want to feel anything at all anymore in that moment. I just wanted everything to be over...and so before long I went to sleep with hopes that in the morning I would be a bit better....

[bpdmadness]

A Roller Coaster of a Week

This past week has been a wild rollercoaster of emotions. For a couple of days I was feeling really down. And I was self doubting so much. I was doubting some recent decisions I had made and feeling a tiny bit of regret along the way. I was feeling like such a failure in life and I was just so low on my thoughts. I felt like I couldn’t do anything and had no motivation. I felt like I was dissociating a lot for days at a time. It was showing at work. I would mess up a lot for no apparent reason to others. I was super quiet at times throughout the day and just wasn't willing to associate/communicate with anybody. 

People with BPD tend to have periods of dissociation when depression kicks in or any imbalance is stronger for any reason. Dissociation is different for everyone. But in general it can make a person feel zoned out, things around you can feel unreal and unfamiliar. You can be disconnected from reality and just going about your day feeling not there mentally and/or physically. This is how I feel when I get dissociated. Each day this would happen and I would feel so crazy and I began to have such a negative outlook on things. I wouldn’t want to talk to anybody about how I was feeling because I felt like a burden and didn’t want to bring anyone down with my problems and depression. 

All of these feelings would be strong one day and the next they wouldn’t. Or I would wake up feeling fine, but then as the day went on I would begin to feel the same again. It was stressful feeling like this because I didn’t how to control it and I didn’t know when it would come. It is recommended to talk to someone when you’re feeling like this, but I just didn’t want to. I always think that no one wants to deal with a mentally ill person. 

The realities of living with depression and BPD is that you can get so low that you don’t have any motivation to get help for yourself which can lead to be very bad for some...

[bpdmadness]

The Episode

So many tears came out all at once. And as soon as those tears stopped after about 3 min, even more came soon after. Then 3 more min passed, I calmed down for about 10 secs. Right after those 10 secs more tears came. At this time I was sobbing and vocally crying out in my car. It literally felt like my whole world was crumbling. This is when I knew I was having an episode. 

It came on strongly that I could barely comprehend anything. There were so many tears coming all at once that I couldn’t think straight. I just let the tears roll down. There was just a medley of emotions and thoughts after about 10-15 min into the episode. A few that I could remember were: Why am I so stupid? I shouldn’t be crying this. I’m so alone right now. BPD episodes can be short or or very long. Some lasting for just a few minutes and others being as long as hours. The worst part of mine lasted for about 45 minutes. That’s how long my break was. As time was nearing to end my break I was faced with what to do next. Do I go back into work and act like nothing happened? Or do I tell them that I wasn’t feeling good and so I needed to go home. After a few min of going back and forth with this, I decided that I couldn’t go back inside.

A BPD episode can leave you feeling weak and very tired, with a headache, and with a sick feeling because of all the emotions that come on at once. That is exactly how I was feeling. At that point I just wanted to go home and shut myself off from the world. So I told my work that something happened and I started to not feel good so I couldn’t come back to work. They said ok and so I left. I still felt so horrible for the rest of the day. When I got home I immediately closed off in my room, put myself under my covers, turned on my favorite Netflix show, and just immersed myself in it. I did this so that I wouldn’t have to think about anything for the rest of the day. 

After a while my FP asked me what happened and why I didn’t come back. I didn’t answer him for a while because I guess some part of me was still mad at him. Eventually I did answer him and told him I didn’t feel good. He asked why I wasn’t feeling good. Of course, I didn’t tell him the truth about what he had done to me. I just told him I had a headache and because of it I felt nauseous. A bit after I ended up telling him the truth, but not fully. I just told him that I started crying uncontrollably and couldn’t stop. He proceeded to ask what had brought it on. That’s when I left out the whole truth and just told him that I had too many thoughts to comprehend. 

At this point, I felt stupid for even being mad at him. This was because he responded so sincere and genuinely. He told that I needed to take care of myself and my mental health and that he was so proud of me for doing so. With BPD, you can switch on a person so so fast. One minute you are worshipping them and the next you could be hating them. In my case, I switched on my FP twice in one day. The first being when he hurt my feelings causing this whole episode, and then the second being when he told me he was proud of me. 

[bpdmadness]

Flashbacks

Do you ever get flashbacks of things that were traumatic for you in the past? They might come on when your mind is over-actively thinking or sometimes they happen randomly. I’ve recently gotten a flashback of a time when I had a BPD episode. It came suddenly and it was very strong, to the point where I had to leave work for the rest of the day. I had very much felt myself ready to breakdown a bit before the episode happened. I just didn’t know it would turn into what it did. 

I vividly remember the episode. But before I talk about the episode itself, I’m going to talk about what brought it on. I was working with my FP and he started chatting up a storm with another co worker. And they were chatting non-stop and giggling a lot. The moment I heard this my brain immediately switched on him. Because me and him were just talking too, but the energy just wasn't the same. A lot of times this happens. The energy between me and him just won’t be the same as it is with others. This makes me sad majority of the time because I don't know what I did wrong for the energy to be different. Anyways I’m getting off track. 

But as the conversation and giggles between him and the other person continued, I started to feel a medley of emotions. Jealously, confusion, hurt, and rejection. But the strongest of them all being sadness, and anger. I was sad because I wanted to be included. And I felt like I wasn’t needed. This led to jealously because I wanted what they had. I was angry because I was confused. Why couldn’t my FP share the same vibes with me? Why couldn’t I be talking to him then? Why wasn’t he talking to me? What had I done wrong? These were the questions running through my mind. It took everything in my power not to break down right then and there. I did shed a few tears, but I didn’t let anyone see me of course. Soon after, it came time for me to go on my break. When that time came, I left to go sit in my car. Almost immediately I felt a rainfall on my face....

***This post was getting lengthy, so I will continue to talk about the actual episode itself in another post*****

[bpdmadness]

Feelings

Hey all,

So I realized that in my last post I didn't clearly explain how that situation made me feel. Or why it made me feel the way that it did.

With BPD, your FP is your everything. Your whole life. Some people think that their FP only belongs to them in a sense because they want all of their FP’s attention if possible. And if they turn you down, or tell you no to something then it’s like your world is crumbling right before your eyes. Even if they say that they have plans that don’t involve you, or you see for yourself that they have other friends, you can feel so worthless. Because knowing that they have other friends, you realize that their full attention is not always going to be on you.

In this situation, my FP said that he’s doing something with other people (refer to my last post for details). This made me feel like I was being rejected. I felt rejection because once again, his full attention was not on me and I wasn’t included. With BPD, rejection is a huge deal. We will do anything in our power to avoid rejection. My heart dropped when I learned that he had plans with other people. I hate this feeling. It literally feels like your heart is falling deep down into a black hole. As soon as I read the part of the text that said, “...with my gal pals...”, anger, sadness, and rejection just flooded over me. And this is a feeling that is not easy to shake off. Your mind makes you loathe in it. Makes you feel like you are worthless, and not good enough to be included. Then you start to self loathe and bath yourself with self hate. With a BPD mind, these feelings pretty much take over you and your entire mood for the rest of the day. 

[bpdmadness]

Reality

Yesterday I was having a great day for the most part. I was working on things and being productive. I was even working outdoors, to max my productivity. All of this was going great for me for most part of the day. And then guess who came along to ruin the mood? Yup you guessed it. BPD. She showed up mercilessly and made me start to feel horrible. 

You might ask why. There was a clear reason this time surprisingly. I was on my way back home and I decided to ask my fp (favorite person) if he was hungry. All day I was planning on bringing him this drink as a surprise because I knew he had been working all day. But I ended up asking him if he wanted food too because there was his favorite restaurant right next to the place I was going to get the drink. So why not right? He answers by saying, “I’m a bit hungry girl....About to order some cookie spin with my gal pals lmao”. 

Cookie Spin is a place that sells ice cream and milkshakes. And the drink I was about to get him was a smoothie type drink. My immediate reaction was disappointment. I guess just because I was planning this all day, and since he was ordering that I thought he wouldn’t want what I was bringing him. So I asked him if he still wanted the drink and food and he said yes. So I proceeded to order. Even though he said yes, there was something inside me that still felt a small amount of anger. 

I’m pretty sure it was because he said, “with my gal pals...” In a way that hurt because I knew that I wasn't included in that. In my bpd mind, I think that I should be included in everything because I consider myself his bestfriend. But sometimes I don't think he considers me his. And it’s little instances like that, that confirm my beliefs. I was a little shaken up about this for the rest of the night and was crying on my way to bringing him the food. But when I showed up, of course I pretended like everything was ok. 

I would sound crazy if I brought that up to him and why I was upset. He has every right to order wherever he wants from and with whoever he wants, but bpd made me think otherwise. I was thinking: Why am I crying over this? Over him? I’m so stupid. BPD will make you think these things, but that’s the reality of this illness. Sometimes I do feel crazy because things like that get me upset. But a normal person who wasn’t mentally ill would never be upset about that sort of thing.

BPD please go away.

[bpdmadness]

I’ve Lived a Lifetime...

I’m only 23, but It feels like I've lived a lifetime. Life for me was really enduring at a very young age. From as far back as I can remember, I've always been miserable. That’s due to a number of factors in my early life, but that's a story for another time. 

I know that everything that I've had to deal with has contributed to me having borderline personality disorder. There has been countless times I’ve talked this out with my therapists in the past. They all categorized it as childhood trauma. This made me frustrated each time because I knew this already. I knew that I had gone through trauma, but I felt there was something much more deeper going on with me. Deep down past all that trauma, something else had manifested within me. It wasn't until I had met a new therapist, and she recognized the unusual signs that I was experiencing. The more we talked and the more she found out about my life and my actions, she made a connection. It was clear for her that I had developed BPD. 

I, of course had no idea what that was at the time. But as my therapist gave me a brief overview of the condition, I knew one thing. This diagnosis made me joyful. Because I had finally found an answer as to why I had mixed feelings about everything. About why I felt everything as strongly as I did. And about a plethora of other things.