bpdhorrorshow

[bpdhorrorshow]

A letter to my therapist

I’m writing down these thoughts that have been haunting me for a while now. I feel like I’ve been having a hard time getting everything out of my brain. Although it’s true when I tell you that I’m doing ok or fine. But there’s still some things that I haven’t been able to release.

I know that you think that my career is amazing, and that my extended family should be asking me for favors, and begging me to cook meals for them. The truth is that they just don’t care. The only people in my life that believe in me, that are proud of me, that advocate how good my skills are, are my parents, my close friends, and you. And I’m so thankful that they all believe in me and give me praise for all my hard work. It really gives me the motivation to keep going. When I go to family events and get asked how work is, “ what do you do again?”. When given the opportunity to talk about myself and what I do, it falls on deaf ears. It would be nice if they actually cared, but honestly I don’t need it. I don’t need the praise. I don’t need prove myself to them. The only person I need to prove it to is myself. I’m so proud of where I came from, and the skills I have now. I never thought I would have the opportunity to have a career that I’m not only great at, but one that I have so much love and passion for. Even though it might drive me crazy. This may only be the beginning, but I have dreams that go beyond my own expectations, and I will do anything to get there.

Some nights I lay awake and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why can’t I cry anymore? Why do I feel so numb? What happened to me to get me to this state? I used to cry so much, I used to feel emotions that felt they would go as deep as the ocean. And now it’s like I’m just going through the motions day to day. Day to day talking and interacting with everyone around me has been a chore. Some days my mind will go blank and I’ll have nothing to say, even though I want to. When something bad happens to someone that I care about, I struggle to comfort them, or find the words to show that I care. Times when I should be sad, when I should be crying. I just don’t. I’m desperate to find answers, because I really miss that part of myself. Is this what it means to grow up? Was it from all the bullshit I went through with my ex? Was it from my old boss Renne, who would call me a “pussy” every time I got emotional or cried? Was it the daily drug abuse? I know the obvious answer is Burn out. I know in reality there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe my brain just needs a break to recover from last year, with everything hitting me back to back to back. I know as we go through life and break, and grow. When we lose pieces of who we used to be. There is no reclaiming them. There’s only moving forward, and reinventing new pieces that we grow to love in their place. But right now I’m a little bit lost in finding myself again. And maybe that’s ok for the moment.

I’m terrified of my parents getting older. I’m terrified of the day they will no longer be in my life. I truly do cherish the time I get to spend with them. I never thought I would be able to forgive my mother for everything she has put me through. I never thought we would have the relationship we have now. I love my father more than anyone in my life. For all his faults, I love him more than anything. I tell him every day I can. I will always be thankful that he’s my father. For all the times he took me out for ice cream during my depression episodes. For every time he took me to the park as a kid. For loving and accepting me for all that I am unconditionally with no hesitation. I can’t imagine a life without him. I just want him to have the best life he could have, with no regrets. I want to give that to him more than anything. I never understood why my mother was so cruel to me until I grew up. And the more I look the more I realize that she’s just like me. I really sympathize with her now. With everything she’s had to go through. I realize that she feels alone inside. I realize that she really isn’t a villain. I try my best to show her that she’s not alone. That I don’t see her as a monster anymore for the things she’s done. I really do love my mom, and just like my father I want to give her everything she needs to feel content with her life, because I know deep down she’s not satisfied with how life has turned out for her. I really hope one day she can find peace in life. It would really kill me if they don’t have a fulfilling life. That’s what terrifies me the most.

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I used to think I couldn’t live without you, and somehow I get up every day and I’m ok without you there

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I want someone who admires me with the same intensity as they admire the moon and the stars.

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Sometimes I feel like I should just kill myself for having bpd. For all the pain and suffering. I can get better, but it’s never going to truly be gone. It just feels like a disease imbedded in flesh and bone. I just want it gone.

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i am so tired of everything around me. if there's a way i could vanish without an explanation, i would.

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[bpdhorrorshow]

“mental health matters” until it’s BPD

“mental health matters” until it’s BPD

“mental health matters” until it’s BPD

“mental health matters” until it’s BPD

“mental health matters” until it’s BPD

[bpdhorrorshow]

yeah, sorry i exhibited symptoms of the disorder i told you i have. it will happen again because i have that disorder and will continue having it. hope this helps!! 🫶🫶🫶

[bpdhorrorshow]

If you have BPD you need to ask your loved ones for reassurance instead of assuming they don’t like you or intended to hurt you. I know it can be really hard, but establishing that you need it will make people far, far more understanding.

Don’t say, for example “do you hate me? I’ve been awful you should hate me” that is unproductive and makes both of you feel bad

Instead, try “hey, I noticed you used this tone/words/etc, what did you mean by that? I need some reassurance right now”

It’s not perfect and not everyone will help but it does work. It empowers both of you and can help you work towards a future where you don’t even have to ask

[bpdhorrorshow]

I’ve been doing really good coping with cutting my ex fp out of my life. But the nights are so hard.. I know that part of me really misses her… but she hurt me so bad and was super toxic. I don’t need that in my life. I just wish this grieving process was over. I just want this attachment gone

[bpdhorrorshow]

people with bpd don't need to be palatable in order to deserve support. like you don't need to say "actually, we're empathetic, not manipulative" in order to combat bpd stigma.

borderlines with low/no empathy deserve as much support as ones with empathy. borderlines who manipulate deserve as much support as ones who people please. they're both coping mechanisms, and they both can be harmful to oneself and others.

we all deserve to be supported and to find healthy coping skills. health is a human right. it's not conditional on what kind of person you are, or who people think you are.

[bpdhorrorshow]

you are not a monster because of being borderline. you are not horrible or an abuser or evil. you were someone who suffered greatly and had your brain altered to try and save yourself. you deserve to heal. you deserve happiness and patience and forgiveness. but most importantly, you deserve love <3

[bpdhorrorshow]

just a reminder..

people with NPD are valid.

people with ASPD are valid.

people with HPD are valid.

people with BPD are valid.

people with cluster b personality disorders are valid.

your feelings matter.

and yes, this post applies to both transid and cisid people. <3

[bpdhorrorshow]

Damn..

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[bpdhorrorshow]

the music that plays in your head as you realize that no matter how hard you’ve worked to be better, you’ll always be accused of being manipulative