boy-with-shaking-hands

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

i feel like im chasing a dream of a life that was dead before i was born

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

im so lonely

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

im so alone

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

okay google. make me feel happy again. i wanna smile today. i wanna hug someone who doesnt mind me being me today. okay hey siri hey hey siri alexa help me please

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

hey guys does anyone live in cali and wanna be my friend i wear perfume and shower and stuff i promise

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

a

AH!!!

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

if i could

if i could i would just scream at people. im so mad and sad all of the time. i hate how nobody helps. i hate how i havent helped myself. i hate how nobody tries. i hate how nobody would know what to do anyway. i want to tell them how i feel. why i feel. how anybody who has known anything about what my life has been in the past year should know.

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

its just every choice or decision ive ever made that mattered was wrong. what am i supppsed to do? i cant move on or even do anything and i dont even know what to say on here. ive made all the worst possible decisions and i dont know why or how or if or if its worth fixing im just so tired but also im sick of being tired

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

im trying so, so, fucking hard to be happy. why hasnt anyone helped me? i always thought that if i really went through something, at least id be able to confide in my friends. now i dont have anyone to ask.

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

realistically theres just nothing out there for me. and try as i might i think theres no hope. even if there is, is it really worth the effort? is it worth abandoning the friends i lost?

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

i cant stop. i cant move on. every time i try to forget the past, a part of me just cant. theres a part of me that desperately wants to hold on to the good memories. a part of me that doesnt want to forget. a part of me that wants to feel happy. is it wrong that i should want to remember the wind on our faces late at night? is it wrong to remember all the fun we had? i dont know

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

batman is like mlp but for sigma males

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

ive got this nihilistic idea that i cant solve. it feels like something should be wrong about it but i cant tell. there’s more suffering than joy in the world, right? so why live at all?

1. the sufferings are from being uncomfortable, sweaty, nervous, too hot, cold, breathing, chewing, walking, waking up, moving, and any and all mental pains. over a lifetime, i think this would greatly outweigh the joys of an average life.

2. just because things CAN get better firstly doesnt mean they will, secondly even if they do, they would have to get 10000x better to balance out the equilibrium of suffering that i mentioned earlier. people that have above average lives usually still have to work, live, get sick, ect.

3. what about people that suffer and put on a happy face, i hear you ask. right, but they still experienced it. now its done. what if they had to experience it again? look from the perspective of a baby looking into their future, and then answer that. a torture victim might rather die than experience it again, but after it has been finished, they choose to live. plus, id argue we forget the true pain of most of what we’ve experienced, like injuries from early childhood or suppressed memories. do you really remember the first time you broke a bone, in perfect, vivid detail? how about the first time you felt hungry? or sad? or uncomfortable with your body?

this is an argument i have been trying to solve for a long time. i dont believe it myself, it feels like there should be something wrong with it. but it doesnt seem like there is. could someone reply to this post with rebuttals and ill see if i can shoot back

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

like i want to drunkenly hug someone and relax and ramble to them but i also dont want to talk to anyone and my social battery is completely drained right now. im in a weird state where i cant feel comfortable even in my fantasies. thats not fair.

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

while im with people i feel so great and its like i stop thinking but afterwards i feel like everything that happened was an out of body experience. granted im not with people often but i still feel so disconnected from everyone and everything and it makes me feel so weird. does this happen to anyone else.

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

what going on

[boy-with-shaking-hands]

wow im scared. and hungry. and tired. my hands shake and my eyes darting around.