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baths and music

swings and company

cheese and wine

dancing and cooking

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people don’t bother sowing fresh seeds

they clutch dead stems and watch the petals fall

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i remember losing my thoughts to the void

leaving wounds to the sidewalk

giving my breath to the wind

leaving my sores for silence

crawling deep into everything

close my eyes a dark completion

of mystery and selflessness

of an eternity in me

but i woke up when i was roughly 19

will i ever fall back to sleep

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when you go into shock

nothing emotes or evokes any longer

all of the oceans stop moving

hungry tankers fuel their missions

hopefully a river somewhere happily lives in a secret forest

everything is just analysed

like at this very moment in time

and from life which was beauty

turned to dust the planets stopped moving 

lost in space without a wrist watch to tell the time

so i tell it

to myself half uneasy

and so he carries on and wanders wondering

about how the rain once meant so much to him

eyes full of twinkling turned to mist

the stars stayed dwindling ever since

empty thoughts

empty words

a vessel with little inside just waiting for its’ demise

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Depersonalization symptoms include

Feeling detached from one’s body, mind, feelings, and/or sensations

Patients feel like an outside observer of their life. Many patients also say they feel unreal or like a robot or automaton (having no control over what they do or say). They may feel emotionally and physically numb and have flattened affect; some describe themselves as the “walking dead.” Some patients cannot recognize or describe their emotions (alexithymia). They feel disconnected from their memories and are unable to remember them clearly.

Derealization symptoms include

Feeling detached from the surroundings (eg, people, objects, everything), which seem unreal

Patients may feel as if they are in a dream or a fog or as if a glass wall or veil separates them from their surroundings. The world seems lifeless, colorless, or artificial. Subjective distortion of the world is common. For example, objects may appear blurry or unusually clear; they may seem flat or smaller or larger than they are. Sounds may seem louder or softer than they are; time may seem to be going too slow or too fast.

Symptoms are almost always distressing and, when severe, profoundly intolerable. Anxiety and depression are common. Some patients fear that they have irreversible brain damage or that they are going crazy. Others obsess about whether they really exist or repeatedly check to determine whether their perceptions are real. However, patients always retain the knowledge that their unreal experiences are not real but rather are just the way that they feel (ie, they have intact reality testing). This awareness differentiates depersonalization disorder from a psychotic disorder, in which such insight is always lacking.

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This makes me feel a little better.

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One of my first articles for the BBC. (link here)

Published during my apprenticeship 15th March 2018.

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namastehannah

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Austyn Gillette

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Phoebe Soup

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