boxunderneathmybed

[boxunderneathmybed]

From Sabrina Benaim’s book, DEPRESSION & OTHER MAGIC TRICKS.

[boxunderneathmybed]

You

You, yes you. You ruined me. With your crooked smile and those eyes that change colors and that devilish smile with a hidden dimple, you. With your big hands and strong grips, speechless moments when I needed you to say at least one single thing and hours of moaning and breaking picture frames on somebody else’s room. You, leaving at 7pm for yoga showing up at 9:30am full of dope with your puppy sad eyes that are trying really hard to tell me how sorry you are and that’s never going to happen again - but we both know it will. With your fears and insecurities and your mistakes running away to someone else’s arms over and over again just to find out that you belonged in mine a little too late. You that I call right before Valentine’s Day to talk about kids, future and happiness in the wilderness, but that is no longer with me. You, you that is no him. You that disappear into the dust and gets confused and says things in between the lines and you who melts my heart and in between my legs with just the sound of your voice. You ruined me. And sometimes I feel like there’s only you.

[boxunderneathmybed]

Before I fall in love again 1. I want us to be friends. Which means, I want to be able to eat my favourite cheese crust pizza with you, while having cheese all over my face and even in my hair, without feeling embarrassed or concerned about it. I want to be comfortable with you, I want to be okay about being messy, irritating, embarrassing, disgusting, petty while with you. Because I will be petty when I see my ex best friend post a happy picture and I will be messy during my finals and I will be embarrassing when I meet your parents for I suck at meeting parents. I want to be okay with being the way I am and the only way to be okay is to know that you’re okay with me being things other than beautiful, graceful and composed at all times. 2. I want to be able to have long and passionate conversations with you not just about existential things but also about what went wrong in the ending of that book and how kids are affected by media and how tomato basil combination always works. I want to have conversations where we may not always have the same views but our fundamental values always fall in place. I want to talk to you about the beauty of the stars but I also want to talk to you about the disgusting mentality behind certain societal norms. 3. I want to see how consistent your actions are with your words. I don’t want to fall for love letters or poems, for sweet Instagram captions or long birthday texts, I want to fall in love with you showing up on time and keeping your promises. 4. I want to take it slow. I want our story to work out in years, not months. I want to respect time and space this time. 5. I want to make sure I am not seeking love from you for the lack of love I have for myself. I want to make sure you aren’t a void I am filling in, you are not an alternative to the things I can’t give myself. I want to make sure you are not doing the same. 6. I want to work out with my insecurities and fears from the past. I don’t want to project them on you, I don’t want to subject you to the doubts, suspicion and anger I carry from the people I have known in the past. 7. Before I fall in love again, I want to make a mattress with you. Of understanding and respect and trust. So when we fall, it doesn’t hurt.

creatingnikki  (via shareaquote)

[boxunderneathmybed]

Maybe you were meant to light me up.

To hold me tight in your arms, whisper dirty words in my ears, put me on fours and fuck me hard as if I was being punished for loving you.

As if I was being punished for seeing more than the coke, more than the dope, more than the pacing nights you couldn’t sleep and cuddled on my legs when I was craving you inside.

Maybe that was it, light me up so I could burn bright like the night sky and I was only good for a few hits, I was never an addiction - maybe I was the cure and that’s not what you were looking for.

[boxunderneathmybed]

i swear you’re made of starstuff. i swear the air is thinner around you. when you look me in the eye, elevators skyrocket and physics says i’m heavier inside that box: i’m a teacup in an earthquake. i’m chewing on late nights. i swear i can work my way around gravity. it’s a room full of people and yeah, i can mingle. I can basketball bounce. I can fuck around, and I can swallow lonely nights, but when you get close, shit, when you get close. when you spot me alone in the corner and curl up next me. shoulder to shoulder. dirty joke to discussions about god, or real love, or what our childhood homes look like, when you walk me home, I give in to gravity.

fuck it, let’s get hurt (via initialsandaheartbeat)

[boxunderneathmybed]

And it was one

of the hardest decisions

that I’ve made.

To walk away

from someone

I knew I can

always fight for.

Yet the truth is,

love was always

hard if it’s

one sided.

Even if it’s exactly

what you thought

you’re looking for.

[boxunderneathmybed]

‘you know how much I care about you, right?’ or 'I really really like you’ and ‘we’ll get there’ are placeholders in any case you’re my first choice for company —saying I love you without saying it yet

csk

9/30/17

[boxunderneathmybed]

Every night she sat on the window sill staring up at the stars, dreaming of Neverland. Peter Pan never came to save her.

-K.N.B. (via learningtoliveagain7896)

[boxunderneathmybed]

i feel sad because nobody is in love with me. nobody is in love with me but everybody loves me.

Sabrina Benaim - “The Loneliest Sweet Potato" 

Featuring at Button Poetry Live, January 2017. Become a member! Support Button Poetry. 

(via buttonpoetry)

[boxunderneathmybed]

I wanna love you like the 90s, never wanting to leave it behind, never wanting to grow up.

FROM THE VAULT! Asia Samson - “90s Love” (Button Live)

Performing at Button Poetry Live, October 2016. Become a member! Support Button Poetry.

(via buttonpoetry)

[boxunderneathmybed]

I fell in love with quotes at a very young age. I guess it was interesting to me that someone else is able to unknowingly express my thoughts when I’m at a loss for words; it has me wasting hours on the simple thought that our minds must have soulmates too.

vigi-la-veris (via wnq-writers)

[boxunderneathmybed]

He once said I’m cute when I’m angry. Well, I’m about to look phenomenal.

Emi Mahmoud - “Why I Haven’t Told You Yet”

Featuring at Button Poetry Live, June 2017. Become a member! Support Button Poetry.

(via buttonpoetry)

[boxunderneathmybed]

And just like that everything melted away. I feel like I’ve loved you for many lifetimes, I finally understand why Nobody else could stay. I was always meant to be yours And you were fated to be mine.

-K.N.B. (via learningtoliveagain7896)

[boxunderneathmybed]

abandonment

[boxunderneathmybed]

what i like about her is that she blooms whether you water her or not. whether you give her light or not. she exists without your existence.

iambrillyant  (via wnq-writers)

[boxunderneathmybed]

Hi, cmon in. I know its kinda cold inside, my last resident got snowed in from his cold heart, hope that's not a big deal. Please don't make yourself comfortable if you don’t plan on staying, but feel free to pull up a chair so I can look at your beautiful blue eyes while you try to make me laugh. Yes, keep trying to make me laugh, god knows Ive been needing it for a while now, I kinda forgot how my smile looks like for real - and no, don’t count the ones you see on the pictures. The only pictures you can see a real smile are hidden away, they tend to pour snowflakes out of themselves if I stare at them too long. Don’t get mad at me if I don’t laugh at your jokes, and don’t get frustrated if I don’t laugh or react to your tickling, I’m still getting used to the way you touch - so soft, as if I was about to break. I know you like to play with my hair sometimes, but I would like if you pulled it a couple times, you know, at those times. For what’s worth I always get the corner and we need separated blankets because you are a blanket stealer and even though I don’t stay covered the entire night I like to have it there just in case. Don't leave your stuff in my room, and try not to leave your smell, his smell is still in some places and it's hard enough to find a new person to live in here with one smell, can you picture how hard would it be with two? Hold my hand when I'm scared, hold my entire body when I'm scared. Please don't run away and don't walk out on me when I'm upset - everybody leaves and that feeling breaks me apart. Smile, more. I bet your face muscles hurt of how you are smiling all the time but it's such a beautiful smile to wake up to that the snow started to melt. Keep my windows open, let the sun shine in, look god damn sexy while doing it. Look at me like you don't have a care in the world, pull me close and kiss my lips softly before we fall asleep. Look at my smile, real this time. Look at the smile you put on my face and tell me that this time, you'll stay.

[boxunderneathmybed]

And I wonder; did you feel the same way, at least at some point? How could’ve your sweet compliments, our inside jokes, your good morning and goodnight texts be nothing? Here it is: I like you. I know I don’t act like it, but it’s because I don’t want to annoy you by talking to you all of the time. I’ll walk by you with a head full of words and thoughts, but I’ll act like nothing is wrong. But I’m tired. Tired of being brushed off, tired of not being enough.

An actual excerpt of a letter I wrote to him (via ashatteredpeace)