boxcxtterbxy

[boxcxtterbxy]

psych appt tmrw……… my dads bday, too :O were goin to eat lunch together after its over. GODDDDDD idk what shes even gonna do, cuz im a MESS, and i think i may need big changes. blrrghhggh.

after TWO WEEKS one of my styros is finally completely closed with very little scabbing 😩

ive been at work since uueeeee 9:30? yeah…… 2 more hours…….. i have moneyyyyyy!!!!!! im gonna pay my friend to get me some shrooms n a dispo at a smoke shop in their area… theyll have better luck than me for sure. theres only 2 places around here and you never know whether youre gonna get carded :c and their mom knows i use dispos and stuff and she wont mind helping them get it to me as long as its technically my money paying for it xP

i wanna go hoooooooome and play hotline miami!!!!!!!!! but itll be 3 before i know it. 1 and a half hours left 🥳🥳its fine i dont need to be home rn anyway, my fiancé doesnt get off work until 4 every day this week as opposed to his usual 3 so theres nothing to do.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm might go slicey dicey when i get home! depends on how good i feel after i hit my stizzy .. im gonna take an edible friday i think .. wuh i do nothing but plan when to get high tbh this is so sad

bleh

im gonna slicey tomorrowwww… feel like chillin out a little today.. anyways!! hope everyone has a great day (❛◡❛✿)

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hii didnt mean to leave for so long, i GAINED ALLLLLL MY WEIGHT BACK. 😄. because i get the munchies when im high and ive been high a lot lately so ive just been eating nonstop. ueeehhh. might get my wellbutrin upped on wednesday, maaaaaybeeeeee, and if that happens i will be oh so lucky to lose a little more of my appetite. so, we pray. anyways happy easter! please dont be afraid to have a little treat, you deserve it on the holidays :O especially when dealing with extended family.

may just become more sh-oriented on this account because my eating habits are. Weird. and i dont really get the privilege of just getting to come on every day and go “OMG I LOST 2 POUNDS IN A DAY!” im not thirteen anymore. ://

anyways!!!!!love u guys!!!! (=´ω`=) ill try to start posting again bbut no promises..

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is it over for meeeee 😫

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my friend cancelled our plans so im home all week. im really bummed out, but hell, it means im saving money. im only working fridays and making $30 per week. so i have to save up for things like disposables and alcohol and gas. and i need gas SOOO bad i had to drive to the gas station today and now my car is 29 miles til empty uuueeee. oh!

today i ate some sliced strawberries and a quarter of some cheese bread. it wasnt the HEALTHIEST, but i didnt overdo it i dont think. def stayed under 1200 at the most :)

it might just be me, but i think i have pretty arms/hands.

even at my HW (214lbs) ive always had the tiniest arms and wrists. same with my calves n such. all of my weight goes to my upper arms, thighs, and tummy.

i miss my fiancé. hes going to work tomorrow :( and weve just been. weird. i dont know. im on the aromantic spectrum and it makes things difficult sometimes. sometimes im so uncomfortable but i feel like i cant say anything, i dont wanna hurt him. and itd definitely hurt his feelings for me to say i wasnt comfortable with his affection. weh. i do love him though. so so so much. cant live without him.

im not sure if ive mentioned this, but ive been journaling all of my worst thoughts and feelings so i can show it to my psychiatrist. my appointment is april 3. i just have to make it til then. im doing really terribly, but thats only two weeks. i can make it. and i hope my documentation will help — itll definitely make her feel more confident in my bpd diagnosis LOL.

MY KAOMOJIS ARENT WORKINGGGGG thanks for glitching all the time tumblr. -_- but anyway. i know this is a late post (2:30 am for me) sooooooo goodnight to you aaaallll ^_^

[boxcxtterbxy]

good morning! ε(*´･ω･)з or, afternoon, i guess. haha. had a bad day yesterday. skipped dinner cuz i was passed out on klonopin though,, ^^;;; my mom got me a cup of strawberries today, so im going to eat those for breakfast after my weigh-in (which… im sure hasnt changed. but yknow).

relating to my last post, did some work on my left calf. i have tape and whatnot but it hurts so bad to walk on sometimes cuz its got two styros in close proximity to eachother. oops.

since im trying to cut back on my substance abuse, ill probably be having thc withdrawals. so i may be throwing up a lot and i may be unable to eat much. whiiiiich is a *good* thing, i guess, even though its like physical torture…… buuuut whatever! we will see. i think i remember losing some weight last time i tried to quit <:)

todays a better day with my fiancé. weve been having bad days. i think we are both just, like, crazy mentally ill. urgh, ive gotta call in all my prescriptions innabit :( i hate having to call for refills, but i only ever get a months worth since im on controlled substances. and 10 klonopin per bottle, per month. i usually take more than 1. blugh. anyway, i think thats everything. gotta shave my legs tmrw, guess im just gonna avoid the spot thats got tape n bandaids all over it? yeah. and i may just bandage it up completely so i can wear shorts since im going rollerskating. idk! ill probably just wear tights.

eating thai food tomorrow, ill let you guys know how it goes since its my first time. really excited to try it, even though i know ill overeat (￣▽￣*)ゞ

im just back to 155, btw. was back to 156 for a coupla days, felt like giving up, but im 155 today. so theres hope, maybe… ill try to do good today.

have a great day everyone ♡ take your meds, take supplements if you need them, n make sure to stay hydrated .^◡^.

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hi, im back!! being a system is annoying sometimes (｡ŏ_ŏ) anyway!!!!!! my friend finally doordashed my medical supplies, im really excited to have some leeway here! (^ω^)

made a big ass bowl of pasta for breakfast, purged a lot of it. did it kinda late though so it probably wasnt all of it. eugh. whatever. i gotta get back on schedule X((

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eating normally. we will probably be back soon enough.

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i know im going out to eat thai food with a friend sometime this week, so i really oughta do better. idk if my dads gonna bring me lunch today (my parents usually get me lunch on weekends) but if he does thats ok. i just really need to do better with myself. im slipping a lot. im 156 today, but also my stomach doesnt feel empty. its just all the shit i ate yesterday. maybe after i eat i should try to fast a little or something. if not regular fasting maybe liquid fasting…. graaaahhhhhhg.

[boxcxtterbxy]

i cant sh until tomorrow my best friends gonna doordash me some medical supplies from the dollar store so i can do it safely but thats all i wanna do right now ugh fuck .really honestly i dont want to cut i want to just die

[boxcxtterbxy]

ate normally today. fast food n ice cream. whatever. i had a good day. im trying to have good days. sorry, this episode is starting to get to me. im not really doing great. i dont know how well i can focus on my dieting this way

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i did, in fact, eat dinner. 🥶

[boxcxtterbxy]

not eating dinner tonight. i had kind of an unhealthy lunch, and i didnt know how to count the calories and was too scared to estimate. it wasnt a LOT, just not exactly a food that feels safe, if that makes sense.

just getting mildly high and hanging out with my fiancé and D and some other friends right now. we are watching a movie but im not paying attention lol.

if any of you guys vape (dont start if you havent already 😭) i highly recommend the night crawler raz its fruity in an indescribable way and soooo delicious. i usually prefer minty vapes but this one has me so hooked. anyways.

ive been kind of all over the place, may post erratically. ive been having a mixed episode for a couple of months now. may talk kinda crazy sometimes. idk.

i hope i can reach my gw by the end of the month. that shouldnt be impossible, but its scary. may is when i get my shit together. if i ⭐️ve enough i know my body is capable of losing 2lbs a day. ive gotta fuckin do this. maybe ill pass on summer fun this year because i dont feel like… ready. i dont know.

i cant think right now im high and tired like i straight up just have a brick wall up in my brain rn preventing me from saying anything meaningful SRYYY but will do my morning update as usual tomorrow <3

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im almost out of klonopin i have 5 left and i usually take 2 and my next appiintment isnt til fucking april JUST FUCKING SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.

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im trying not to cry i miss my fiancé and D and i just wanna see trem and k dontnknow if i can handle this fuck im trying so hard fuck

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didnt eat dinner at all yesterday, i only had that one fucking thing for lunch and im still the EXACT same size! it was probably the drink it had so many sugars. hrrgjgk im really dizzy right now. and for WHAT? its not fair!!! its not fair and im really sleepy and i wanna go home so bad even tjough i have three more hours, FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCK. too much going on in my head i shouldnt be posting right now

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aaaaaat the very least, i had very very little today! i believe all i had was my waffle house (which wasnt much since it was half of yesterdays lunch) for breakfast and my redbull. i dont remember having anything else. WIN WIN WINNN!!! nervous but willing to step on the scale again tomorrow ..

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crying so hard wishing i was like all these pretty thin girls who have all these pretty and fun friends and i have none and i do nothing and im fat and ill always be fat even when i reach my gw ill look fat andmy fiancé wants to comfortme but he doesnt GET it hes thin hes trying to GAIN weight (and the pudge looks so fucking sexy on him but it never will on me) he is fucking wonderful and genuinely finds me beautiful and attractive no matter what size i am but … wouldnt we look so much better together if we were both thin?

i just ururrgahrhrgg i dont knownwhat to do i cant even tell him i cant tell anyone im so alone