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Waiting to exhale!!

It's hard, hell why am I lying? it's rough. Have you ever wondered to yourself, why do I have to climb Everest while the world only climbs molehill? Have you ever wondered why me? I'll be damned if that question didn't pop up atleast 5 times a day. Hai ke sana, yifilm!

Sometimes I get it truly I do. If life was easy everyone would be doing it. What is life, is life fancy car, Instagram stories or 100 likes? Is life what you saw in an edited movie cut down to just 95 minutes of bliss or slightly more? Life can not be as hard as what we are going through!

Day in day out, you wonder at what point do I exhale? When do I wake up and not have to have a million problems occupy my 1st few moments of sunlight. People say new day, fresh start we try again. If only life was as easy as day and night, I think we would all kill it. IF that was the case! If you thought you were the only one going through it, honey there are levels to this thing called life and unfortunately not everyone is strong or bold enough to be beat down, and just before tapping out, standing up to take one more punch because we decided to turn the other cheek.

Siyagowa ke mtaka bawo. As a people in this millennium, I remember the year 2000, how it was supposed to bring endless possibilities, yes I was young at the time, I didn't get it. But did we all buy into this Uno wrapped in a Beemer sticker? I mean this life has no power steering or v6 horse power. Well actually I am going nowhere slowly. Apparently God gives his toughest battles to his strongest/ toughest soldiers kodwa ke mina I never said I was strong. Did you?

I'm still waiting to exhale...30 years in and I'm still holding my breathe waiting to exhale. I'm still shoob shoob shoob, shoobadoo do doing. But I'll say this, damn is my fighting spirit stronger than a Viking. Because here I am still in the ring, it's been 30 rounds and I'm still taking my beating with grace, if you walked past me you wouldn't see that I'm still waiting to exhale...

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The Ying, to my Yang

Have you realised how most of the time you close one door, only for 5 doors to open simultaneously, I am applying this concept to the adulting growing pains. 

It seems that I keep climbing a corporate ladder that requires for me to constantly keep tripping and falling into the broken  steps. What I mean is that aspirationally I go through continuous topsy turvey worlds. Most of the time, I feel I am barely catching my breath between the waves of highs and lows. 

Regardless of the amount of wins one succeeds on, the are twice as many losses. But that in no way is me doubting my capability of success, but damn does it have to be that hard. 

So I have dabbled in the two industries that I told myself would be my ideal career choice, and the 1st dable is always the greatest, I feel like R Kelly’s I’m the worlds greatest, but as time goes by, then suddenly it feels like its the end of the worlds “ R.E.M” gosh, can I just AKA’s run Jozi but in  the world sense. Can I develop a sudden greed for success that even I become an envied force to be reckoned with. I keep trying my best, and from quotes of God, the Universe and Ancestory, it always encourages a so called victory lap, but how many K.O’s do I have to endure before I feel myself successfully running up those stairs that Rocky ended up on to teach us that hard work pays off.

Does hard work really pay off, or are we all waiting for that lifeboat that only comes after a series of bad choices in those feel good documentaries? All I am saying is whatever Higher Power is there, I am tired and I am ready to have a successful victory dance, until then I shall push Gladys Knights I hope you dance” 

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Dragon behind ma’s eyes

Now today has already dragged the most out of me, and to be honest I was ready for it to end. Now when I knock off from my main stream of income job, I start my whole lifetime job. And that’s being a mom. 

That that on its own has no annual leave, no lunch breaks and most definitely no superior to report to. Now there’s good days, prouder days and once in a life time moments. But that also comes with a Dragon behind ma’s eyes. 

Generally I am or try to be a laid back mom. But my kids, my kids will sometimes push me to a point of no return. Now dragon is just a simile in the sense that it is a figurative meaning to the person I become, when the push can not be pushed any further. 

I do not mean to become that, but some situations are tougher than most. Now most parents and some non-parentals will know what I mean. Generally no one wants to be the bad cop to their kids, also cause I know what that is like, but the older I get the more I understand that the Dragon I perceived my mother to be was not cause she didn't try to conceal the mom she was, but rather because most of the time my actions amounted to me conjuring the Dragon she became. Now believe me when I say I vowed to be different, as I felt most of my wrong turns were attributed to the current life I live. But each and every day I learn what pressure this woman felt, all while juggling being a mom, sister, daughter provider, and above all a switch board operator. This woman went through a lot and she did her best. 

But the dragon behind “ma’s” eyes as my kids refer to me, makes me crumble when I think back on the words I use and much all the receptiveness they get. You shout and the minute the tears roll, someway somehow you get flashbacks of labour thinking how you went through the most and also now start seeing how daily you become the dragon you once feared yourself, and merely anticipating a fraction of how that made you feel, and by then the damage is done, and the dragon breathed fire and now the city is shattered, so now we rebuild and we try to do better tomorrow, but knowing that the scars imprinted will most likely never heal.

But that is parenting, avoiding your parents mistakes while understanding what it took for them to have made those mistakes that you are slowly repeating. 

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Parenting is nie Pap ‘n Vleis nie

It has been a while since I have had the urge to explore my creative writing skills.  So here we go. Fast forward from the last time we blogged. So for the past couple of years, I have taken on the task of being a full on mom. Now that hand in hand with being a working mom, trust me when the title says “Parenting is nie Pap ‘n Vleis nie.” I have been on a true roller coaster ride, from establishing a routine that undoes the years the girls had spent with their grandmother.  From unlearning habits, to me adjusting to being called mom/mama/ma for longer than just a 1hr call, I mean this was now 24/7 my responsibility. Shuuu, I don't know how full time moms do it. But as testy as it had been, some moments were cherishable than others, I mean there is nothing great about disciplining or course correcting, because all of a sudden you become a demon in their eyes. No parent wants to be a demon, but sometimes even Stalin/Hitler becomes your alter ego.  Well for what its worth I imagined “relatability, time, unforgettable moments and cherished memories, but some way some how, it was not all white picket fences like the dreams I’d had. I become stronger, I become wiser, huh??? is this me, stating me becoming wiser? Heck this life thing is hard to balance on my own, now imagine single parenting, raising 2 girls who are both different sides of the same coins, one like me, the other like her dad.  And most of the time, opposites of the very same coin. It’s a struggle, but perhaps blogging shall become my most valued companion.  So I am back, not saying always, but hopefully more often that within 2 years.  Happy parenting, and may the odds forever be in you favour.

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Hmmm

So one thing that i've always struggled with, socialisation. Socialisation in any sphere I struggle. I swear I have two personalities, because as much as I hate coversations and interactions. I seem to always find myself in the middle of shared moments with others. But it comes at a price. My personality comes like a two pin plug, both interconnected with me. But somehow completely in charge of different parts of me. My friends are ALL social beings, and I get into trouble most of the time for my social disability, I can go from responding in a split second to reading and finding it hard to respond. And I hope u guys understand, well those closest to me. It is not intentional, it is merely a power struggle between my yin and yang. I have this one friend, we can legit go for years without speaking, babygirl makes an effort on an almost every day basis. I appreciate you and I know its tough but thank you for always being that understanding. To always pushing that familyship strong. Then I have this siblingship now that one I get into trouble all the time, why,...because im simply suffering from a social disability of not knowing how to respond. But I love you and im sorry there's no cure to my disability. Fact is socialisation can be both my sunshine and thunderstorm, it can be the light and the darkness, basically I find myself almost every time being stuck between contradictory settings. Never knowing which short circuit might trip today. I love all of you, whether I repsond or not please note I'm under construction #momentsoftruth

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It has been a minute

So I had the spur of creativity, and started a blog page. But life does get in the way, anyway. In the past year of when I actually created this. I got a new job at a dum dum dum, Video Entertainment Company. And well it was not as much as I had dreamt up and imagined. Well anyway, what matters is I have employment. In other news. MY MINIONS are coming to live with me. All the fun and wonderful things that I can already see us doing. I can not wait. I am literally counting the seconds. This is actually going to be a a serious challenge. But I am ready for it. I refuse to be a working mom, who only sees her children once in a while, that is how I grew up, and I love my mom but I need to bridge the gap that I had growing up. So I am ready to get my momming on, so you will definitely be seeing alot more posts, of my triumphs, my pitfalls, my momming journey, hopefully it will not be boring. Happy typing###

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Decisions, decisions

Nothing is as difficult as being 26 years old...in a job you hate.. Far from your family and especially those minions. But what beauty we dont see in the moment of a decision is that perhaps your were meant to drink that extra cup of coffee...perhaps you should have had an extra slice of pizza...hey you should have kissed that frog he might just have turned into prince charming. When I decided I was going to be a loud mouth you know all opinionated and even "know it all". I never knew that that decision was going to make me a spectacle. You see I had entered every opportunity to be a public speaker, poet, writer if it required words heck i did it. So one day right I missed the deadline to sign up at my 2nd private school in my life time...for the debate and well the only spot left was to be the chairperson. Me being the psycho that I am. I settled...boy was it hard see that decision shaped the way I would feel about myself for a very long time infact i still do. Yep I got to experience my second helping of high school bullying...grade 10 crucial time in any school career. Well there i stood...chubby cheeks..short hair and well a little on the thicker side of the scale. Well anyway there i stood...controlling and presenting 2 opposing sides reprimanding a whole entire school hall of judgemental..insecure and diverse bunch of people. Well debate went on...see it wasnt so much the debate that caught me catching a case no...but it was a friend in the audience who perhaps should not have told me what a group of boys were saying....turns out idiots had decided to call me a Sheman...sheman i mean i was clever i could break down the words...so i figured hey well they are right i do look like my dad and I am a she ...little did i know what that truly meant. So i decided to do some searching my word the results were not so appealing...turns out a sheman...was those beautiful girls who had penises😱..what the hell...how dare they i mean how can one be sooo cruel all i wanted was to be a public speaker...not to be told and shaped for the rest of my life. That hurt me to my core to that point that even today i find myself looking twice in any reflection feeling like my world is upside down if im not wearing earrings to help distinguish my femininity. To this day anything i buy anything i wear...even my curves have to be perfect to distinguish my femininity. Moral of today's story is that a decision you make today has a ripple effect throughout ur entire life. That extra glass of wine. That extra lap around the block. Those are decisions that one makes that could either make or break you. All that matters is you rising above any good or bad decision with no regrets...

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Once upon a Sunrise

Let me take you back to a few moons ago...see I wasn't always this loud mouth, problematic outspoken piece of something no honey, I belonged to a shell that was broken but attached, shaped but missing a few essential pieces. With that being said, I was in a moment of travel through this journey called life I had a father but instead he chose another family not me, so in this Town called City of lost souls I was happy, hell I even was satisfied at the fact that I never ever saw him, I mean can you really call it seeing someone when the only time you see them is once a every found pearl, I say this cause pearls are rare to find "just a figure of speech" back to reality, so while on this busted up taxi on my way through my life. during one of my fathers yearly visits, I discovered that this wonderful seasonal superman, belonged to another family. So shocked to my surprise I figured the nigger was working you know that's why he hadn't been in my life for so long. Regardless I gave him a picture you know those corny ones in your school uniform taken at some neighbours fancy house, I figured since he has two more kids let me just give him a memorabilia, perhaps he could frequent seeing his only daughter a few more times a year, I know right not gonna happen but still I had hope cause that what little black girls do, we have hope in in hopelessness.

Nigger took the picture home but he forgot about it in his Peugeot 407 .Yep that's why I never saw the NIGGER he had hidden a whole entire human being for a whole 12 years of her existence. SHOOT, now what does he do, anyway he forgot the picture his sons one of them bearing the same sorta similar resemblance to me found the picture and gave it to his mom.

OOOOPPPPPSSSSS sorry dad. Now fast forward to this big moment where I met this family and mommy part 2 gave me hope she had always wanted a daughter and god blessed her with one SHE WAS ME... Hooray I have gained a whole new mother seems sweet as hell, in fact I've in my heart replaced my strict mother with this woman who is treating my like Gold... Then now visit nr 2 I get woken up on a summers morning to a beautiful sunrise...get walked/guided into my supposed bedroom, dads  13  roomed house with a pool, I mean bliss compared to my moms L-Shaped RDP.

Then suddenly hands around my throat.... I cant breathe, I'm panicking, is this how people die? wait I haven't had a boyfriend yet. I stop take a gasp for air she lets go at the sound of her sister saying its not her fault, door banging, telephone ringing... She lets up I run to my brothers room and go back into this mattress on the floor, hide myself under the covers while my face is covered with tears rolling down like the Nile River. the brother that resembles me wakes up to answer the telephone cause it kept ringing while the door was being banged harder and harder. Then I hear this woman walking down up and down the passage screaming "I will burn this whole house down, with us all in it"  :(…..OH NOOOOO mommy oh strict mommy where are you now? I need you just to say goodbye and say I love you. closed my eyes and tried to block out the noise...thump, thump, thump goes my heart....hmmmm

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When life throws you lemons, ask for tequila

So I have been wondering to myself just how I sometimes get myself into these wonderfully peculiar situations? So here I was thinking that I had done all I needed to do gone to school, had two daughters, matriculated hell even got myself a BCOM Degree in Marketing. Suddenly growing up wasn't so bad in fact it was a whole lot of independence wrapped up in a golden bow, then suddenly BOOOOOOOM, get a job black child, which I did I mean I ticked somewhat all of the boxes. Then it all flipped into a rollercoaster of misery :(…lost my brother quit a job that gave me 13k as my 1st official salary (13K girl you must be crazy).

Sat at home became depressed and became a statistic an #unemployedgraduate. My minions needed food, my mother was mourning the loss of her 2nd born son, and here I was thinking of just how hard I worked to become somewhat independent, suddenly I gained 2 more kids, on top of raising my two minions, lil sis, drug addicted brother and my dearest sweet mother. Yep I became what I feared the most, the sole bread winner. How does tv make it look so glamorous? But somehow the lemoning of life required me to get some tequila, I did, its called sold my soul to a golden goosed tear drop.

Ever watched those movies that are located in some gang-banging neighbourhood where everyone is afraid that if they piss off the king some highly trained drive-by expert will find you walking back from a shop from buying that bread with your last cents and shoot you at a perfect angle aiming directly for your heart, while driving your dream car. That is exactly what happened  in the city of the golden goosed tear drop...

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It is what it is... #LOL #Adulting

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Life as It Comes....

Yeah, my friend actually took me serious about this Blog thing and we finally took it to task to create one.. Therefore lets take this one day at a time. Hush now this is going to be a rather interesting, bumpy perhaps even a little curvy ride...#LOL..#Adulting