boom-i-reject-that

[boom-i-reject-that]

Guess what, motherfuckers

I’m back

And by “motherfuckers” I do mean “good, dear, lovely people of the internet,” obviously

So. Yeah. I’m trying this thing where I steadily increase the number of Good Days I have in a row, until it becomes a lifestyle thing. I had two Good Days in a row this week, and then yesterday was a Bad Day - not exactly by design, but not in a way that made me feel awful, either. I woke up this morning, and I felt all right. Not fabulous, but not at all bad. Maybe it’s just where my body is at this particular time in its cycle or whatever - no idea. But, I mean, whatever. Not going to question it, for now.

Next step is three Good Days in a row. I feel motivated today, and I hope the feeling persists through tomorrow and the day after. We’ll see~

[boom-i-reject-that]

Good day yesterday! A very good day, actually. Did some travel with my friends, and that kept me from making any stupid supermarket impulse buys. I desperately wanted chocolate at the end of the day, but there was no socially acceptable way for me to get any and stuff my face - so, I've made it one day! Just like I promised myself I would! Still on the road today, and I'm meeting another friend later, so I'll be in the company of others until tonight again. Which is a good thing. Social pressure/societal expectations help me massively with impulse control. With any luck, I'll be two days binge-free by this evening. Fingers crossed! Again! And, ya know what? I'm sill feeling good :)

[boom-i-reject-that]

Friendly reminder that a couple days off track doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track. Drink your water, eat your fruit, wash your face, brush your teeth and start again. 

[boom-i-reject-that]

...so. Not a great day. Just finished off all the sweets I have in the house, though. Which wasn't an awesome thing to do, I know - but that means that, if I want more sweets, I have to purchase them first, and my willpower is a little stronger when it comes to that. In other words, I can resist buying food more easily than I can resist eating it when it's just sitting around. I do this nearly every time I eat all of my sweets, but I swear, I really, really, actually swear, that this time, I won't spend money on sweets of any kind for a month. That's my goal - just a month. I've done it before - not recently, but I have - and I can do it again. Any words of encouragement and/or helpful tips and advice and/or general motivation will be much appreciated, of course. And it would mean quite a lot. Well, wish me luck. Tomorrow, I'm gonna seize this thing and kick it to the curb for real.

[boom-i-reject-that]

I caved. I ate the cookies. Shit.

[boom-i-reject-that]

A Small Snatch of Progress

Wanted desperately to binge on the double chocolate chunk cookies sitting in my kitchen. Didn't. Instead, slept for an hour and a half, and then made myself eggs on toast (usually something I consider an indulgent food, as it involves bread and, sometimes, butter) and a cup of coffee. Also, lots of water. Feeling dehydrated after this morning's doughnuts, I think. Anyway - it isn't much, but I'm proud of myself.

[boom-i-reject-that]

100 Days Binge Free

Today marks 100 days since my last binge. Sure there have been days where I over ate. But no more guilt, no more feeling like I might explode. No more shoveling food down my throat while the sane part of me begs to stop. No more crying because I can’t control myself. No more feeling helpless.

What a wonderful thing. Tomorrow is my first 5k and I think that’s a wonderful way to celebrate being binge free.

[boom-i-reject-that]

when the urge to binge is strong

1. change your bed sheets 2. sweep the floors 3. have a shower and wash your hair 4. have a nap. put fresh sheets on your bed, burn some incense while you make  mug of tea. play some soft music, put on rain sounds. build a blanket and pillow nest, wear your softest pyjamas, cancel all of today’s plans and have the rest you need 5. journal about anything 6. journal about the last week- include what you ate and how you felt about it, get to the bottom of why you want to binge 7. have some herbal tea- peppermint, green tea, and fruit teas are especially good for binges i found 8. go for a walk 9. call a friend and see them in person 10. go online (window) shopping  11. binge. sometimes you will do everything you can, but you will still binge. and thats ok. you are forgiven, you did not commit some horrible crime. you can move on from this, you do not have to make up for it. its ok.

[boom-i-reject-that]

Focus on each day individually, not recovery as a whole. If you messed up yesterday it doesn’t matter, what can you do today to take you closer to recovery?

[boom-i-reject-that]

The morning after.

You wake up, stomach still full and painfully bloated, your head is pounding, your whole body feels swollen and puffy. You wonder why me, you wonder how, you self criticize, you start to think you’ll never stop binge eating… Binge eating is something I’ve struggled with for years and throughout that time I’ve pretty much nailed my “morning after” routine and thought I would share. 

-wake up and put on your favorite pair of sweats and your softest hoodie 

-tell yourself three things that you love about yourself that are NOT appearance related. We are more than our bodies, we have personalities and relationships and have interests. 

 -drink lots of water! Like right when you get out of bed have two, hell maybe even three or four, glasses of water. Chances are you need a little extra this morning. It’ll help with the bloating and the headache you probably have 

-make your favorite warm morning beverage (aka coffee or tea). I usually go for black coffee or just a touch of milk or creamer. 

 -once you’ve woken up and you start to feel hungry you may wonder how the hell you could feel hungry at all and your immediate reaction is to restrict. DONT. This is just going to perpetuate the cycle and your body deserves nourishment. It’s time to make breakfast. I like eggs and toast with cream cheese. It’s my go to breakfast most mornings. Not an egg person? That’s fine! Make something that has some extra protein! Not a cream cheese person? But some peanut butter on instead! 

-DONT tell yourself that last night was the last time. Been there done that and it almost always leads to another binge that night. 

-Still feel kind of bloaty? Go for a walk outside in the fresh air. Don’t start running or trying to compensate. That’s just not a healthy mindset. 

 -most importantly FORGIVE YOURSELF. the cycle is only going to get worse and continue if you keep criticizing yourself. You are no less of a person because of this. You are still worthy of love and belonging. 

 If you read this I love you and you are not alone. Keep on fighting and keep on living. ❤

[boom-i-reject-that]

Hello!

Introductory post time! (I promise, I’ll fiddle with the layout of this page and give myself an actual icon and stuff once I get this ball rolling. It just… isn’t exactly my priority at the moment. As you’ll soon understand.)

So. Um. Hi, tumblr.

I have an eating disorder. 

Binge eating disorder.

I realized this about a month ago - I didn’t know there was a name for what I was doing, over and over and over again in this ridiculous, emotion-fraught, endless-seeming cycle, and I didn’t know that other people had the same kind of relationship to food that I do. 

I know that now. And… it’s made me feel a heck of a lot better, actually.

Not completely better, though. I still binge. I binged this morning, just an hour ago. Doughnuts. Custard doughnuts and jam doughnuts, mostly. And as I sit here, I feel awful. I feel gross. I feel disgusting, and disgusted. 

I don’t like this.

I want this to change.

I want to feel healthy.

I want to find comfort and happiness in something other than a goddamn box of cookies.

And I should say - I have friends. Wonderful, fantastic friends, who I love very much, and who I know love me. But I can’t reach out to them for this. I just can’t. I’m too embarrassed. 

So.

I’m trying something different. I looked around for online support groups, and didn’t find anything terribly useful, so I decided to turn to tumblr. I’m going to post about my eating every day, possibly more than once a day, and I’m going to be honest about what I’ve eaten. I’m hoping that a few people on here might be kind enough to encourage me, and to help me through this. If not, then… well, I suppose it’s a way of me holding myself accountable? Publicly? I dunno. I thought it might make a difference.

Only one way to find out, right? 

Wish me luck, everyone. 

Here I go!

-Michele [or Mikey] [she/her/hers]