bookworm28 - Tumblr blog

[bookworm28]

wow i took the love languages test and i got fucking

[bookworm28]

Happiness Will Come To You.

[bookworm28]

sometimes a story is about gay sex because there is no gay sex. sometimes a story revolves around the gay sex that is not happening

[bookworm28]

Do you ever stop feeling invisible?

Some times I feel like I only get negative attention. That no one sees the real me but also that the real me isn’t worth seeing.

[bookworm28]

Beth Evans

[bookworm28]

What if I want to be a e-girl/slut/ porn star?

I am so burnt out. I am so tired of the rat race. I have having to get up and work so the rich keep getting rich and everyone else just barely makes it. I’m done being “good”. I have been living in the box they put me in my whole life. “I’m a lady”. I sit properly, I never dress immodestly, I don’t try to flaunt my body. Just like they told me. People still sexualized me and tried to shame me for how my body naturally looks. I could be wearing an outfit that covers my whole body and someone will still make sexual comment on my breast or body. I can’t help how my body looks. 

My parents who gave me this body would say snide little comments or out right shame me for  “showing off my assets” or being fat. I can’t control how large my breast grow or how clothes sit on my body. They would get me clothes that don’t fit then, shame me for being fat. Now I look back on photos from that time and cry. I was never fat. I was thick or even chubby stuffed into ill fitting clothes. My body was developing and growing. I hated myself so much during that time that I wanted to die. It felt wrong to look the way I did. I would even been harassed by my peers if I wore something that accentuated my body. No one ever looked at me twice so I dressed frumpy to hide not only my body but the shame I felt for looking the way that I do. It was easier to tell myself that I was fat and ugly than confront the fact that the people around me failed me and set me up for failure. The day I realized I was never fat and that there was no shame in being me I broke down. I cried for hours at all the wasted time. All the times I hid from picture. The fear of eating in front of other and being seen as fat. It was like a wind blew away some of the pain and the vail lifted. Slowly but surely i began to accept myself.

I was able to admit that I love sex and have been fascinated by it since I was a kid. The porn stars/sex workers seemed beautiful and confident. They respected each other, their bodies and they made a lot of money. I thought sex work seemed a little scary but beautiful and freeing. I wished I could be as free as they were. I was a late bloomer due to the fear of being taken advantage of and from being shamed into thinking that it was wrong for a woman to want pleasure like that. I used to think I was someone who was truly unlovable due to my appearance. How could anyone love a fat girl? How could anyone want me? they only want me because of my boobs or vagina but they don’t actually want ME. Is what I used to think all the time.

I had a small porn addiction to cope with the shame of not expressing myself. I fell into debauchery just to try and figure out how to please myself. The shame of it all became part of the pleasure. It made me feel something other than disgust for myself. I was watching hardcore BDSM just to feel something, ANYTHING before I was even 12. I wanted to look and stare at their bodies, see their expression as they lost themselves to the pleasure. I was jealous and envious. I eventually figured out how to please myself by the time I was 17 and I had sex for the first time at 20. I felt so late to everything. Even now everyone tells me how men/women would love my body and how attractive it is but I still struggle to find beauty in myself. I just see all the parts I’ve wanted to cut off since I was a child and people say they love that. 

I admit that I want to be a sex worker. I don’t want a 9-5 job that kills my soul. I don’t want to be a “good girl” who listens to what others tell her. I don’t want to live in the box anymore, feeling like it’s wrong to be myself. I love sex. I’m good at sex. I like sucking dick and fucking. Watching someone lose themselves to pleasure gives me pleasure. I want to be a stripper and flaunt the body I was shamed into hiding. I want to be a whore and fuck for money. I want to be a porn star and fuck beautiful people and get paid for it. I want to feel free and move past self judgment. I want to enjoy myself and get paid for it. There is no reward for being a good and moral person. I have worked so hard to live up to the standards they gave me and still failed. Even when I did everything right, followed their rules, lived the life they planned for me and I was still scolded, ignored, and neglected. I never got a reward for doing what they wanted barely even a pat on the back. Just more “advice” on how I could’ve done better.

So now I'll take things into my own hands. I’ll do what I want. I’ll be safe and smart. I’ll find mentors and go to munches to learn. I’ll do everything I want and more. I’ll love myself unconditionally. I’ll have pleasure and make money. There is nothing wrong with wanting a life for myself that no one one else in my family has. As long as I am free, happy, and paid I don’t think I need much else.                                                                                                                                          

[bookworm28]

[bookworm28]

Seven years after, I see you again 😚

[bookworm28]

Whats ur art process??? The masses are dying to know

I feel like my art process is disorganized but usually I do a sketch (or sometimes I just start throwing lines around if I’m just doodling) and then do lineart, then flats, and then shading and lighting which may or may not turn into something more rendered if I decide to. I usually also add backgrounds last cuz I’m bad with them. Here’s a thing I made for an ask a while ago, and here is a post going more into depth about how I shade

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[bookworm28]

I’m Alive!!!

been gone for years but now I’m home

[bookworm28]

TBH, I really don’t mind wearing a mask. No one recognizes you unless it’s someone who knows you well. Men don’t tell you to smile. No one can tell if you put on make up or forgot to brush your teeth. You don’t have to do that weird half-smile thing if you accidentally make eye contact with someone. Plus it’s like an instant read on “does this person have a basic level of consideration for others”.

[bookworm28]

literally me last night crying about my mom laughing in my face while i was already on the verge of tears(because of my cat) because she beat me in an unrelated competition and it was funny to her that i love my cat with all my heart and he (currently) doesn’t love me. Then gets mad at me for crying and getting upset. THen tells me if she hurt my feelings its MY fault for letting my feeling get hurt. This was after we just had a conversation about my anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts and why i never said anything about it, to her, for literally half my life. I can’t even look at her the same anymore.

my toxic ass thoughts as they keep me up at 2 am:

[bookworm28]

[bookworm28]

teaching children that they are allowed to walk away and cool off if they are feeling overwhelmed might literally save their life as teens/adults

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[bookworm28]

aww 

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