boldlyfadinglove

[boldlyfadinglove]

fuck you.

[boldlyfadinglove]

after 19 years of existing on this fucked up planet I'm still shocked about then amount of discrimination that's considered as 'normal'. it's not normal excluding someone from society just because of something they can't control. I'm an asian muslim woman living in a white christian male dominated country. The fact that I have to put in three times the effort a white heterosexual cis man has to put in order to achieve the same thing makes me fucking furious. the racism and sexism I have to endure every single day pisses me off and im sick of it. I don't give a fuck anymore. I just became mens biggest nightmare and im gonna finally be fully satisfied the first time in my life.

[boldlyfadinglove]

even if everything fades to black there will always be you as my guiding light

[boldlyfadinglove]

No matter who comes and goes I will always have myself.

[boldlyfadinglove]

pain

he never intended to hurt her. the only thing he wanted to do was to protect her. but in order to protect her he needed her to hate him. he was her downfall and she was his heroine. the both had an important part in each others life. the both loved each other. but at the end they can't survive together. they weren't meant to be. he needed to safe her and he did. even tho she hated him after that he knew that her hating him is better than not being.

[boldlyfadinglove]

Toxic people think they can end me by asking me if I would date me. Bitch yes I would im hot, smart and funny and not a pathetic little kid like your are

[boldlyfadinglove]

Mental health

I have struggled with myself all my life. I never felt like I was enough for my parents. With the sweet age of 15 I developed bulimia and depression. At that time I was in Turkey participating in an exchange year. Everyone was so pretty ans skinny. I was skinny to but I never saw myself that way. I always felt like the ugly friend of the friend group who had a couple pounds to much. WHICH WAS NOT TRUE.

I could have saw the outcome of my thoughts coming. I lost 20 pounds in 2 months and at that time I already weight 100 pounds. (I know my bulimia wasnt as severe as the ones from other people but im only sharing MY experience).

on top of that I stressed myself out with my grades and with validation from my (fake-) friends, family and teachers. I slowly killed my mind and developed a depression. it wasn't to severe but It was still there.

How did I got better? My sister who is one of my closest friends noticed me breaking down one night and kinda forced me to tell my parents about my bulimia and depression. I went to a doctor who tried to help me but wasn't very successful. I am really bad at sharing my bad traits (it is not a bad trait but at that time I felt like it was). At the end who was able to "cure" me was my sister and my best friend. I was so happy around them and felt wanted and loved. I moved back to my home country and started my sophomore year at highschool. I kinda had my glow up and boys were starting to notice and like me.

At that time I also notice that I was pansexual and I went on dates with girls. Sophomore year was my year. I finally felt happy. at least in school and outside my home. my parents made me feel like I wasn't enough which kinda led to my current state.

Covid happened when I was a junior in HS. I still struggled strongly with myself but it wasn't that severe cause I could do it in my room ll by myself.

I graduated HS in 2021. After that I direct started college in September. And then I happened really fast. In November I got officially diagnosed with a panic disorder, an anxiety disorder and severe depression. it got to a point where I wasn't able to read or properly talk because my brain simply wasn't able to process what was happening around me or my thoughts. I got sent over to a therapist and a psychiatrist. I got multiple meds to take and took a semester off of college. I felt useless and felt like im not worth anything. And I know that's something my depression tried to tell me but it still made everything worse.

The worst part tho was the disappointment is saw on my parents face every time I had a panic attack infront of them or when I couldn't express myself. It made me feel so guilty and like its all my fault. I already struggled with the way I saw myself and the fear that people don't like me simply for me.

My situation made me fear that people would think my current state was the way I am.

I'm still in therapy and I'm still taking my meds and I can say I feel better. I'm seeing change and Im on the right path to live myself fully. I surrounded myself with people who care and who would never judge me for my mental health.

Mental health is the most important thing and IT SHOULD NOT BE FORGOTTEN. and for everyone who strugglers with a similar situation or maybe the same I can only say this: it will get better. And I know its easier said than done but you will get there. I promise. If you need someone to talk to im here for you and I would love to help you even if its just you ranting,

You and your mind is the moist valuable thing about you so pls keep it safe.

[boldlyfadinglove]

Why am I not enough?

Growing up as the eldest daughter of three I never got a lot of attention from my family. And if I did it wasn't the good kind of attention. I was known as the black sheep going out to parties having boyfriends and girlfriends and getting bad grades. I wasn't allowed ti make any mistakes. I needed to be the good and obedient eldest who takes care of her siblings and never complains.

The fact that I never got any kind of praise from my parents broke me a little more every time. For something I would get in trouble my sister would get applauded. For every bad grade I got I got asked why I can't be more like my little brother who got perfect grades. For every mediocre guy I would bring home my sister got praised for having taste and high standards.

I was never enough. Everyone was allowed to make mistakes but not me.

I asked myself this for so long. Why was I never enough for my parents? Don't get me wrong I love my parents. They fulfilled every materialistic wish I ever had. I know they love me.

Nonetheless it hurt so much. They broke me very time a little more and they didn't even notice.

But to clarify: I AM enough. Im nineteen now and I know for most people that's not a big jump in time. But for me its a completely different world. My 16 y/o self would be so proud of myself.

I KNOW im worth everything I KNOW I'm enough and I LOVE myself no matter what mistakes I make in life cause in contrary to my parents beliefs mistakes and getting out of your comforts zone is wheat makes you grow.

Believe in yourself cause even if nobody believes in you, there is alway you who can make the first step in loving yourself.

You're worth everything good in this world.

[boldlyfadinglove]

Scream

he was walking through the forest even tho he promised her not to. even tho he knew the outcome of his late night walk.

he was never a kid who was easily scared. he was never a kid who feared a challenge.

he kept a close eye on his surrounding, on the strangeness. he heard a voice. a cry of pain. his instincts kicked in. he was running towards the cry of pain. later on he wished he wouldn't have. he wish he just stayed on his path and went home.

sweat was coming down his back the closer he got to the cry. and suddenly the crying stopped. it turned into a scream. a scream full of hate and frustration. at this point he was running. he was close to the scram and suddenly...

everything turned black. the screaming stopped. the rain stopped. he stopped.

[boldlyfadinglove]

Her tears were rolling down her face

her eyes swelling and getting red

she only had one wish

to love and to be loved

she did love and how she loved him

but he only loved the attention n she gave him

he was feeding himself on her tears and on her fear of losing him

he was the world for her

she was only a part of his world for him

[boldlyfadinglove]

I hate the fact that im not gonna be able to read every book existing and that I won't be able to meet every fictional character