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“I taught my dog ASL Commands so that my parents could interact with her as well”

(Source)

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STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING

Look at this wolf

OK now you can continue

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What was Jenna Marbles up to in 2019?

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!!!IMPORTANT FOR BLACK US VOTERS!!!

I saw this on Facebook and went to check my registration status, sure it was fine because I voted recently, but I put in the info and it said I’m not registered

PLEASE, especially if you’re a Black voter, check your registration status at vote.org

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holiday questions

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My autistic brother created a new family Christmas tradition

Okay, so last year, my mom bought this Christmas moose that she lovingly named Barry

This is him

Cute, right?

Well, for whatever reason only known to my brother, he decided that he wanted to put Barry in different rooms of our house and it usually scares the shit out of whomever happens upon Barry; usually the person who finds him is the person that my brother wanted to scare.

So far, Barry has been found

On our dining room table

On my dad's side of my parents' bed

In my parents' closet

Outside their bedroom door (at 5 in the morning and scared my mother shitless)

Near the kitchen door

Near my fucking bed

At the bottom of my sister's stairwell

In our bathroom

And down the hallway

This has gone on for 9 days and it doesn't seem to show signs of stopping. Most of the time we know who gets Barry because it's always followed with a very loud "FUCKING BARRY!!!!!"

My brother is the funniest fucking person I know.

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HAIRY SHIN BANDITS

hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Weird Biology! today, I’m going to give you a fresh look at a really weird bird you may have heard of before. so get ready to learn some badass new facts about this scrappy little football!

so say hello to:

*HEAVY METAL SCREAMING*

all right, so there isn’t much badass about a hairy, nocturnal, flightless, island-dwelling bird a little bigger than a chicken. or so they’d like you to think.

Kiwis live in New Zealand, which is fitting because they’re the Hobbits of birds. (bear with me a minute and put down the torches, please)

I swear I’m going somewhere with this

like Hobbits, Kiwis live in burrows. also like Hobbits, Kiwis are short, stocky creatures; they grow to be about eighteen inches tall and 7 pounds. (this is just slightly larger than the average chicken and probably larger than you thought they were) like Hobbits, Kiwis are voracious omnivores and eat basically anything they can fit in that ridiculous beak. and finally as I’m sure you’ve noticed, Kiwis are prodigiously hairy. like Hobbits.

and finally, the Kiwi would absolutely carry a cursed item to the ends of the earth and throw down with a Ring Wraith. (but they’d do it out of spite)

spite is the only emotion the Kiwi can feel

see, Kiwis are aggressive, territorial, and extremely tenacious. they defend their territories and burrows against anything and everything, including humans and probably also marauding armies of orcs. which, since Kiwis have squat muscular legs and extremely sharp claws, is no joke.

no seriously, they’ve been known to sprint out of the underbrush without warning, gouge people in the shin, and sprint away.

it’s a lot less funny when you realize that they’re at least as fast as you are.

adding to their sheer tenacious badassery is the fact that Kiwis are even still around. I don’t know if you guys are super familiar with what usually happens to flightless island-dwelling birds when humans and non-native predators show up, but it’s not good. (HINT: starts with an E and rhymes with “distinction”)

700ish years ago, humans first arrived on New Zealand. this was fine, and Kiwis more or less got along okay. but in the 1700′s the first Europeans arrived, and they brought dogs and Norway Rats with them. and cats. and stoats. (this was significantly less nifty for the New Zealand inhabitants, both human and otherwise.) these predators have been taking huge tolls on the Kiwi population for a long time now, but Kiwis are fighty tenacious bastards and against all odds they’re still here. for comparison: the Kakapo (New Zealand’s other largish flightless bird) has faced the same problem with introduced predators and is now damn near extinct.

Kiwi resilience is in large part thanks to New Zealand’s conservation programs, but also Kiwis are just tough little bastards who don’t know when to quit.

but I’ve saved the most thrashtacularly metal feat of the Kiwi for last. Kiwis form bonded pairs for life (awww), and lay one to two eggs together per year. which, okay, does not sound like a lot. however, there is an important fact that needs to be brought into consideration:

yes, that’s a REAL FUCKING XRAY. HOOOOOLY SHIT.

the egg is fucking huge. like, up to 25% of the mom’s body weight huge. that’s completely fucking ridiculous and it’s upsetting to even think about. 

but that big egg makes a big, well-developed chick who comes out of the shell ready to stab you in the shin and sprint into the bushes. they’re literally born ready to throw down and are basically mini-adults. but still adorable.

continuing the family tradition!

unfortunately despite their badass ways, Kiwis are currently still under threat from introduced predators. the good news is that Kiwis are loved, celebrated, and protected by New Zealanders. (who are justly and rightly invested in their national bird, shin-kicking quirks and all)

there are many conservation programs in place for the embattled Kiwi, and its weirdness is a light that won’t be going out anytime soon.

shine on, you little weirdos, shine on.

thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee so I can caffeinate myself into the 5th dimension.

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happy hanukkah to all of my beautiful jewish mutuals

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call me ignorant but i genuinely don’t understand why sports have to be split up by gender.

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Democrats: alright we finally did it, Trumps been impeached. Time for a trial in the-

Republicans: lol yeah about that trial. It’s not gonna be fair or anything, we’ve already made up our minds and there’s gonna be like, 0 witnesses

Democrats: oh? Ok then. If that’s the case then I guess we’ll just hold on to these *pockets articles of impeachment*

Republicans:

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Your annual reminder to not donate to Salvation Army!

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Just like I said. Illegal adoption.

https://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/immigrant-mom-loses-effort-regain-son-us-parents/story?id=16803067