bockszrs

[bockszrs]

succession drawing heap ‼️🥦 plus doodle collection ,,

[bockszrs]

Don’t Touch

[bockszrs]

I loved her like a dog

Allowing myself to be swept up

In commands and demands

Justified by reason and logic

That meant nothing

[bockszrs]

she loves me, she loves me not pt. 2

she loves me

i can see it in her face

when we’re kissing and for a second

i pull away

she’s bad with words

that’s okay

but sometimes i wish she could explain more 

than “i love you”

i feel annoying

inadiquate

clingy

unlovable

conveinient

ugly

sad

even though i know she loves me

it echos in my head

“you’re never enough”

“you’re always too much”

[bockszrs]

I've realized that I've been partaking in the deadly sin of gluttony. I think everyone has an empty hole in their stomach that they try to fill with anything. Meaningless hobbies for instance. My father has recently taken up breadmaking. He works an office job that he loves and comes home to his terrible wife whom he loves and his kids whom he loves and I don't think he quite realizes how mentally ill he is and that ignorance is bliss for him but hell for everyone around him. He makes pretty good bread though. Too salty sometimes.

I try to fill up this hole with food I think. I'm not particularly fat, or as skinny as I would like to be, but I have a problem where I eat and eat and eat and eat because I'm bored or because the thing tastes good so I keep eating with no foresight into what kind of havoc this food could be wreaking on my body. I think I also partake in sloth. If I have nothing to do or I'm angry or sad, I sleep. I take probably a 3-hour nap a day. Maybe this is me continuing to fill this hole. Maybe I'm the only one with a hole. Maybe I'm partaking in the deadly sin of assuming.

Assuming.

Makes an ass out of you and me.

I’ve thought about this phrase a lot and I have used it once or twice because of this excessive thinking about it. Assuming. It makes an ass out of you and me, but really, it's just me.

[bockszrs]

My brother has been playing the same 2 songs on piano for months now and he still can’t seem to get them right. The piano is right below my room and since my stepmom gets angry with me for playing my records above the minimum threshold of hearing there isn’t really any way to drown him out. I would like to play the piano because he reminded me that I can play but I have to wait for him to finish.

There are two outcomes if I happened to ask him if I could play next, one is where he generously says sure you can have a turn! and congratulates himself on his selflessness and kindness and then uses this favor to bite my ass later when I refuse to give him a slice of pizza, or he will get angry with me and spend extra time than needed playing just to spite me. I think I’ll just wait.

[bockszrs]

It constantly feels like theres a bunch of bricks on my back and i have no idea how to get rid of them

[bockszrs]

leaving the house is like pulling teeth im so frustrated 

[bockszrs]

i feel like shit. my brain is fast but my body is decaying. im exhausted but i cant sleep. dont mix meds.

[bockszrs]

#23 my hand hurts ive been writing for 2 hours

a sack of skin and bones,

the cobwebs keep his shape,

and the spiders move his mouth,

and shake his vocal chords.

all of the souls,

standing in a single file line,

outside his shower curtain,

waiting for their shares.

so he lets them in.

and one by one they reach down,

his throat,

grabbing handfuls of his something.

and they keep coming,

and he doesnt complain,

about his throat, bloody and dry,

from the nails and grubby hands reaching,

over and over.

and the line subsides,

souls come to look at his,

gaping hole and broken teeth,

and they shake their heads.

they took all of his something,

and blame him for letting the spiders,

inhabit his nothing.

and blame him for being hungry,

for something.

[bockszrs]

#17 272

the kind of cold,

that reaches your bones.

making the wait,

unbearable.

and the addition,

of the eyes,

that suffocate,

until every cold breath,

feels like it belongs to someone else.

[bockszrs]

#16 primal (hunter)

i live on edge.

good at forgiving,

too good at forgetting.

i accept every hand,

as long as it feeds me.

even the hands of those,

who only want me for my pelt.

[bockszrs]

#15 her eyes are light brown

i soak in every detail.

the most beautiful details ive ever seen.

soft and gentle,

worried.

i cant remember them,

but i remember they were beautiful

[bockszrs]

#12 inversions

i love it when music sounds like waves.

the dark ocean,

swirling and crashing,

breathing in time,

and overlapping.

white peaks curling upwards,

before being overcome,

by a major chord.

just to be pushed up again,

by an inversion,

and the moon.

[bockszrs]

#11 highway 21

we think too much about how fragile life is.

we fear too much.

we talk too much.

we feel too much.

267 rats in a hoodie and jeans.

theyre hungry,

and restless,

and at any moment,

could jerk the steering wheel,

taking 267 souls to god,

because a man with no depth perception,

told them to.

[bockszrs]

#7 scoliosis

her head,

weighs her down,

algorithms,

long since forgotten.

sucked up,

in the natural disaster,

the whirling winds,

and thunder,

of her thoughts

[bockszrs]

#6 thom yorke is right about everything

i walk,

with my shoulders,

and my feet,

and i talk,

with my mouth,

speaking in,

tongues. 

my brain creates,

conclusions,

conversation,

constants.

thom speaks of alienation,

the loneliness.

i feel it and understand.

a strange sort of lone wolf,

that people love for a little,

until he eats all the food in the fridge,

and throws it up on the carpet.

he apologizes fervently,

but it doesnt clean up the mess.