blvackdreams-blog - Tumblr blog

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Ana’s Mixed Emotions

I want to recover

I want to starve to death

I want no one to know

I want everyone to know

I want to be hospitalized

I want to be dead

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World: you‘re a worthless piece of shit and everything you do is wrong

Me: *sad*

Also world: why are you sad

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it’s like removing a part of your life, the reason you‘re living.

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it‘s so hard to let ana go. i mean, is it even possible?

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you failed to notice how my sleeves got longer, my appetite was smaller, and how i was in need of sleep because there was always a constant voice saying ‘don’t eat‘.

- h.h

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my boyfriend told me that eating disorders were just about hating yourself and wanting to lose weight. this is what i told him

it’s about complete control. it’s about punishing yourself, the reward is losing weight. it’s about perfectionism and trying to make yourself a little more perfect because everything else about you is fucked up. it’s about feeling empty and like you don’t fucking exist. it’s about congratulating yourself when you don’t eat over your limit. it’s about that beautiful feeling of saying “no thanks, i’m not hungry.” but it’s also about not being able to sleep, horrible stomach pains, being dizzy all of the time, getting headaches and hunger pangs, not being able to stand being around food, wishing that someone would notice and give a fuck but also being afraid that they will. it’s about getting panic attacks because you ate a donut, not even a full sized one, a mini one. it’s about getting panic attacks because the shorts that fit you last summer don’t fit any more. it’s about getting panic attacks because you haven’t eaten and your body is constantly in fight or flight mode. it’s about forcing yourself to not pull away or jump every time your boyfriend touches your stomach or your thighs. it’s about having to spend 10 minutes taking nudes because they all make you want to fucking kill yourself. it’s about getting dressed in the hallway because you can’t stand the sight of your body in a mirror. it’s about making lists of safe foods when you’re bad and still feeling anxious to eat then even though you’re fine. it’s about spending 30 minutes measuring out spinach and grapes and kix cereal because you have to know exactly how many calories are in it.

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When someone sends you a 15 page essay about how starving is bad for you...

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Can’t wait to be skinny enough to be a thinspo

~a fatty

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“Don’t let insecurity ruin the beauty you were born with.”

— Unknown

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