blurrpersona

[blurrpersona]

28 July 2024 09:54 PM Sun

Whyyy. Why am always the boring and lame one. It hurts. Maybeee I need to stop being vocal already.

[blurrpersona]

22 May 2024 11:01 PM Wed

Today is not very productive. I just lay down and browse while on my shift. I don't know but I don't feel like doing anything today.

I am very tired of thinking of the future, my finances and how to go on with life. I don't know. What I know is that I want to remember this day. This day is full of laziness and spacing out almost every time.

Just to add, rolling off on this project by end of May just so I can remember.

[blurrpersona]

09 May 2024 09:44 PM

Here I am again writing. Can't help but think of what I am doing with my life. I have a lot of things that I want to do but can't. I am thinking of taking it one step at a time but I feel that I may be too late to accomplish some of it because of some restrictions.

I get it, I am not getting any younger but I still want to accomplish things that I couldn't get when I was a kid.

I just want to cry.

[blurrpersona]

28 Mar 2024 10:08 PM

Feeling motivated to clean and thought of checking my email to see that may discord account is still active. Since I no longer used it, I just want to document that I had this before. 4 years, 4 long years have passed.

Thinking how funny I must have been to my siblings to used this for a reason that I could obtain online. But oh well, using this has thrown me out of my comfort zone a bit.

Farewell :)

[blurrpersona]

23 Mar 2024 9:30 PM

Currently hearing my sister's friends come one by one for a get-together at home. This got me thinking about how behind I am from the younger generations.

Earlier I felt defeated, stressed and confused as my sister was already thinking of buying a house for us. I guess because I am the eldest I feel that this is my responsibility but given my salary, my line of work and the current economy, I am unable to invest into something.

I still want to go out of the country to earn and live there but the problem is the money. I know for myself that I can do it mentally and physically but financially is the hardest part to gain.

Thinking everything just leaves me upset due to my age which is not getting any younger. Anyway, hopefully, I can find a way that even next year I can go.

[blurrpersona]

03 Dec 2023 7:59 PM

I have been considering migrating to another country but don't know how. In my country, being offered a job by a direct foreign company with visa sponsorship is challenging. I tried looking for a way, but the best way to do it is to have a student visa. This means that I have to study again and it sucks.

I would love to study if I were given the opportunity, but with the financial status that I have, I don't think I can afford one without help. Helping me is also a challenge cause I need tons of money. Sure I have savings but I know it won't be enough.

I tried telling this to my mom but I don't think she's even listening or even supporting me with what I have to do. She always tells me that she have me to depend on but its hard to meet the expectation. I am not earning enough. I am thankful though since I have a job and money to pay bills but I really can't.

Maybe this is only a phase, maybe not but I would love to reach a certain goal just cause I want to be happy.

[blurrpersona]

28 nOv 2023 7:39 PM

Counting my bills I feel like I am being left behind. I can't go on vacation or buy assets/ investments. With the money I have, I can only buy disposable wants.

I can't help but think how easy for some to get what they want or even if they don't want it. I am working my ass off (well not to the point of exhaustion) but I still can't make it. Even just one vacation.

So many whys running on my head. Have to vent it out before it gets the better of me.

I love my current job, it gets me thinking but then again I feel that the compensation that I ask for is not enough for what I am doing. I am beginning to be tempted to look for work from another country, relocate and start over. However, one of the things that is stopping me are my dogs. I know for myself that it will be a challenge for me to move them and it will take years if I can since it costs a lot.

I just wish this is just a phase and hopefully, I know what I want before I age another year.

[blurrpersona]

19 nOv 2023 5:56PM

I am getting frustrated as I have let my brother tell me not to depend on my uncle to get my dog's food. I was thinking of getting back at him but stopped myself since it would only make it worse.

I feel so wrong, like the audacity. He would only blame his back whenever he can't do something but even if his back is not hurting, he won't do it most of the time.

He always nags me and mom to not treat my sister like a baby since she won't learn and that we are scared of her being angry but the truth is we just don't want any fight.

Whenever I asked something like teach me to drive or something, he would always say that I couldn't reach the brake or if I told him that I would like for us to buy a house for the family, he would always say no. But when it comes to her girlfriend, he won't think twice.

Why. Why. Why. I'm sick of this.

[blurrpersona]

13/nOv/2023

I accidentally opened tumblr and saw what I entered from the previous post. I was happy and entertained at the same time given that I post very rare. As I was reading, it was so fun to reminisce about what had happened from a few months back or years.

Anyway, I now currently work as a project manager in a tech company which has pros and cons but nevertheless still having fun and hopefully this will be may last job hopping.

Moving on, today is rather spontaneous. As there was a scheduled electricity shortage today and was hot and humid, my brother asked if we would like to go out and since I am not feeling the weather I agreed. Though we didn't really know what would be our agenda we headed to our destination (cafe) but halfway there my brother felt like we should go to the mall instead which we did.

Since our mom's doctor advised her to get some protective soles, we went to the department store to look for one. However, the brand that we want is not available.

As we don't really have much to do, we walk around the mall a bit. I asked if we could go and check some clothes and while looking around my mom asked if I could buy a dress for her which I did, but deep inside I felt that it was a bit spontaneous but since we were there already might as well give it to her.

After making stops for any agenda we might think of at the mall, we eventually went to a cafe 15-20 minutes away from home since we just wanted to hang out while we were waiting for the electricity to come back.

As we sat there and ordered our drinks and sandwiches, I tried the lip product I bought from the mall and it was nice. There was nothing to talk about at the table after so we just look some pictures to have a conversation going. Then after waiting for almost 9 hours or more, electricity came back so we went back home.

Not really the most eventful day but just wanted to share this here because I want to reread it again if ever I open this. Also, I wanted to share some things with someone but I guess there are times when all I'm thinking is unshareable so I adding it here instead.

So its 1:01 AM in the morning already and I have work to do later so will just end it here and hopefully this can be habit of mine after.

[blurrpersona]

11/fEb/2023

Hello, my tumblr. Long time no post! Though no one is actually reading other than me, it feels nice to remember things that I have done and feelings I have from the past. 

Anyway, I resigned as an HR Operations Associate effective 08 Feb and am now waiting for my next job as a project manager. I still can’t believe it. Hopefully, I can do well and eventually will be able to save more than before. 

[blurrpersona]

30/mAr/2022

I must admit that I am not confident when it comes to answering emails at work. I guess I’m okay when I respond to colleagues (sometimes), but it's a big NO when I do to my manager or to anyone outside of what I’m used to answering. 

I have answered an email to my manager yesterday, and since I am not in the best shape, I just answer him relying on what was currently in my head. However, after sending it, I think I have contemplated my answer the whole day until now as I felt that it was wrong. I’m even thinking about how he will respond to my email because recently he just advised us to answer properly to provide a better impression of ourselves. I’m quite ashamed of myself because I know that stuff already but I keep on getting messed up.

For now, I just want to have the days go back and forget the moment but for sure that I will remember that I should act professionally all the time at work.

[blurrpersona]

Boi having wild thoughts o.o

From: Semantic Error

[blurrpersona]

Sasaki to Miyano!

My second BL anime and currently done with the latest episode! My colleague at work introduced this, who is also a fan of BL, and I may say that it is a good recommendation. A pretty chill story, no dramas. I haven’t read the manga version yet since I am still satisfied with this, but I’m sure that I will read it in the future. Patiently waiting for the next episode! I can’t wait!

[blurrpersona]

05/mAr/2022

I have been struggling with sleep for the past few weeks so I bought a supplement to help. The first day trying it and it tastes sweet but not too much. I think this is because of how strong its smell is. I ate two and waited for it to take effect which it did. 

I woke up from the loud noise of our neighbor but compare to before, I was not tired at all. Happy of the effect, it urge me to brag about it to my co-worker so she could also try it but stop since it's only the first day. 

I went out of bed and saw my mom and siblings ready to go out. When they saw me, they ask me if I wanted to tag along as they will jog. As I don’t want to be left alone after just waking up, I did. I don’t normally go as I am not fond of running but as I am motivated to get healthy and fit I might as well run. 

We went to a cemetery where I saw some people who are visiting their loved ones but I also saw some who are just there to lie on the ground and also jog. I wasn’t surprised about this but what did is how there are few graves. My brother told me that it was fairly new which is why some may see it as a quiet place to exercise. 

It was quite hot since the sun is still there but we did what we came for. I forgot to put on sunscreen so I was really conscious of how I would face the sun. As I am not a fit person I ran but walk a lot but I felt great. Afterward, we went home and ordered food.

My brother had been asking me to order since Thursday so since I got my pay this cut off I thought I would get something for them. Then we went out for my personal grocery as I don’t have any stuff left personally. 

It was a great day, to be honest, but quite tiring. I was awake for five hours only but felt so tired that my left eye keep on twitching. I went to bed just to close my eyes for a couple of minutes but ended up sleeping for four hours. 

Though I didn’t want to get up, I did as I don’t want to waste my weekend. I want to feel productive but do something fun as I always ended up sleeping after work every weekday. So here I am, writing this and would do something I wanted to do after.

[blurrpersona]

26/fEb/2022

I was very happy ever since I had my hair color back in October. After 4 months, I have chosen to color my roots as its already showing my natural color. Although it was suggested by my previous hairstylist, I opted to choose another salon.

There, the owner ask if I would only do rooting or should I do a refresher since my hair is already brassy. I told them I love my hair color so if the refresher still show it I’m good.

As I was busy playing games to protect me from boredom, I was told that its time to wash my hair. I have’t have any thought but when I notice that I’m already being blow dried, I knew I was done.

When I looked myself on the mirror, I was shocked on how my hair color drastically change. My heart beat fast and asked them what was the next step. They told me that they would just curl my hair to look nice. I was dumbfounded. Good thing I wore a mask so my reaction didn’t show as I don’t want to create a scene.

I texted my sister who was beside me also doing her hair if she can still see my previous color at the back and she told that she did not. However, she said that it looked nice. Hearing that made me at ease.

By the time that my sister was done and my brother had picked us up, my stress began to rise. The hair color change had sink on me and I thought to myself that I hate my hair color.I had not had any sleep, so aside on my stress on my hair color I was bit frustrated. I wanted to shout. 

I realised that this is what it felt like for others when they do not get what they requested. I was silently crying during the whole car ride. Totally embarrass by my emotions but I somehow wanted to release this frustration of mine. 

To be honest, my current hair color is good and looks healthier but I think this would be my last hair color change for this year. I got to say, this has been one of the most stressful and frustrating hair color change  that I had so far. So I think I would stay away from salons for now. Now I just want to let my natural hair color to grow fast and cut my current one. But I had paid for it so be it. 

[blurrpersona]

About to sleep but this brain of mine keeps thinking.

I could remember, our batch has been divided into 2 and since we were 7 we were divided unequal. When the list was shown to us, I could still remember the reaction of one of my group mate. She was in disbelief, wondering why she was in our group. I couldn’t really understand why but I realised later on that she thinks our group have weakest lineup. Though, during those days, we got along just fine.

Another group was formed for a new role. She was one of the chosen ones but I don’t really mind. Then one of their group mates left, so I was chosen to replace her. My former group mate verbalise that she was happy because it was me. I smiled and said thanks.

Years of working together, I can feel that even we get along I know for certain that we have a gap. Somewhere along the lines, I know one of us will snap but I’m hoping we won’t go there.

The reaction and the current gap of this group mate of mine just shows that I am perceive as weak so I want to change that. I want to avoid being insecure, so I just wanted to ignore some bad signals. I just want to keep on growing and I want to help myself so I will.

[blurrpersona]

This weeks ends with a SLEEP! Doing night shift and having a day trip the next day sure is no fun. I did plan on sleeping after getting to the place we went, but unfortunately my sister’s voice and everything’s noise had kept me awake. I also weren’t able to sleep during the ride. After coming home, I immediately sleep and now wide awake at 4AM in the morning.