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................ audible blinking sounds

i'm here now!

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will a new blog solve all my problems

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ﾟ ✧  closed , @mycrymes . 

               "  i  know  it  sounds  insane  ,  but  if  i  don't  ask  then  it'll  haunt  me  for  the  rest  of  my  life  .  "  a  deep  breath,  as  if  to  brace  for  the  impact  of  a  ridiculing  laugh  in  response.  "  if  you  really  have  an  overnight  layover  ,  then  we're  both  stuck  here  .  .  .  you  should  come  with  me  .  we'll  check  out  the  town  .  "

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             this  could  go  wrong  .  .  .  very,  very  wrong.  the  countless  ways  flash  through  joel’s  mind  like  broken  butterfly  effect:  all  future  consequences  entirely  dependent  on  the  infinitesimal  amount  of  effort  it  would  take  to  close  the  space  between  them.  he’s  close  enough  to  feel  her  breath  pass  against  his  face  and  absorbs  her  every  word,  but  his  mind  separates  into  two  parts:  one  entirely  logical,  one  entirely  emotional.  emotionally  he  knows  that  one  small  push,  the  slightest  tilt  of  the  head,  and  years  of  unspoken  curiosity  would  be  answered,  leaving  him  near  spotless  of  this  cyclical  yearning.  logically,  he  understands  the  foundation  they  had  worked  hard  to  build  was  priceless,  worth  more  than  anything.  it’s  a  promise  that’s  bigger  than  both  of  them,  but  he  feels  himself  nodding  anyway,      “ promise . ”      the  proximity  blurred  his  circumspection,  but  the  words  that  fell  from  her  lips  entirely  slashed  through  whatever  remained.  it’s  the  permission  he  needed  as  he  moves  forward,  lips  finally  finding  shelter  in  the  haven  of  her  own.

her mind swirled with conflicting emotions as she listened to her best friend's words, thoughts dancing between fear of losing him and the urge to finally cross that line. deep down, she knew that walking away from this wasn't a possibility, being without him would be losing the only part of herself she had left, a part that had grown and thrived in the warmth of his love and friendship. he was right, the kind of friendship they had was something special, something that neither of them could probably live without now. "i don't," melody finally speaks, shaking her head as her honeyed hues stay locked with his. "i don't want to leave this here." she murmurs back, feeling her breath catch somewhere between her throat and lungs as he leans closer and the space between them grows smaller. " just…promise me," the female begins, leaning into his touch. "that no matter what happens, we'll always be honest with one another, and if there ever comes a time where this isn't what you want any more, you'll tell me - and i don't know, we can just go back to being friends." wishful thinking, she was sure of it, but a promise that her heart desperately needed to finally allow her to take their relationship to the next level. she leans closer and her forehead rests against his, breathing in the closeness of him. "you mean everything to me, jay."

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             an  icy  chill  rolls  through,  her  ache  and  anger  wounding  and  enveloping.  river  waits  for  a  familiar  numbness  that  he’d  grown  so  accustomed,  for  his  eyes  to  glaze  over  in  boredom,  for  his  heart  to  find  a  resting  rate.  he’d  refined  the  diminishment  of  his  feelings  and  the  ability  to  go  somewhere  else–anywhere  else,  in  moments  like  these.  but  a  lifetime  of  practice  proves  to  be  in  vain  in  front  of  myra,  because  he  is  entirely  present  in  this  moment.  “  oh  ,  so  it  was  never  love  ?   ”  lips  pressed  into  a  firm  line,  his  best  attempt  at  taking  the  comment  off  the  chin.  “  sorry  ,  i’m  just  trying  to  keep  up  here  .  ”  the  whirlwind  in  his  chest  reaches  a  fever  pitch  at    ‘you  said  it  yourself,  you  didn't  love  me’         “  when  ?  ”          a  rash  step  forward,  careless  of  the  possible  (and  deserved)  slap  in  the  face.  his  voice  booms  with  emotion  as  he  immediately  follows  up,  “  when  did  i  ever  tell  you  that i didn't love you  ?  ”  the  question  was  unfair,  considering  how  clear  his  inferences  had  been.  but  he  had  been  so  careful  to  never  let  those  words  come  out  of  his  mouth.   “  never  .  not  fucking  once  ,”  voice  was  low  and  full  of  acrimony  as  he  answers  his  own  question.  suddenly,  river  rolls  back  on  his  heels  with  a  heartbeat  violently  loud,  desperate  for  distance.  the  room  felt  entirely  too  small  when  he  spoke  up  again,  “ it  sounds  like  you’ve  got  it  all  figured  out ,  myra . ”

fury blazed in myra's gaze as river's words hit her like a blow to the chest, sucking the air from her lungs. she couldn't believe him. she couldn't believe he had the audacity to question her feelings after everything he had put her through. taking a step back, slender hands trembling with both anger and hurt. "love?" the blonde spat out, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "you think what we had was love ? you were never capable of understand what love even means, river. you said it yourself, you didn't love me. you were too busy playing games." her chest heaved with emotion as she struggled to contain the torrent of emotions threathening to swallow her whole. "you destroyed everything we had, you deserved me. and now you have to stand there and act like you're the victim? like you have any right to come here and decide who i can or cannot hook up with? " shaking her head, she ignores the way tears are staining her cheeks. " i hate what you did to me, i hate how you made me doubt myself, how you made me question my worth. you made me feel like i was crazy for thinking what we had was love, and i hate that i let you."

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             as  preston  sinks  his  heels  in  defense  of  his  brutishness,  alba  follows  in  her  defiance.  “  i  thought  you  were  confident  ,  smart  ,  collected  .  .  .  ”  each  adjective  punctuated  by  a  long  pause,  her  voice  betraying  herself  as  it  began  to  tremble.  “  but  you’re  just  like  every  other  fucking  dude  .  and  you  think  that  little  of  me  .  ”  a  huff  of  breath,  her  expression  twisting  into  a  scowl.  alba  felt  cornered,  entirely  too  overwhelmed,  anxiety  of  her  inadequacies  unbearable  as  he  practically  forced  her  to  air  them.  “  i  lost  my  fucking  job.  ”  despite  all  of  her  formidable  defenses,  she  feels  a  familiar  sting  in  her  eyes.  "  i  was  tutoring  my  little  brother's  best  friend.  god  .  .  he's  in  fucking  high  school.  "  hot  tears  suddenly  spill  over  as  she  fiercely  rubs  them  away with the back of her hand.  “  i  got  fired  .  there  .  are  you  happy  now  ?  i  can’t  even  wait  tables  .  .  .  i’m  that  fucking  useless  .  ”  anger  boiled  over  now,  resentful  that  it  had  to  come  to  this.   “  do  you  and  your  fragile  fucking  ego  feel  better  now  ?  ”

the female's words struck him like a slap in the face, jolting him out of his defensive stance. he looked at her, really looked at her, and saw the pain and hurt in her eyes. she was hurting, just as much as he was, and he was the cause of it. would he be able to swallow his pride, admit his faults, and beg for her forgiveness? could he let go of his need to control and possess her, and instead trust in her love? probably not. and definitely not with the amount of alcohol running through his system. " what the fuck did you expect me to do when you won't answer my calls? " preston protests, long fingers ruffling through blonde locks. " i have been calling you all night, if you didn't have anything to hide, you would answer them." 

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u know what, even if my writing isnt the BEST, i still made it all on my own. like there was a blank word doc and i filled it up with my own words, my own story. i took what was in my head and i made it a real thing. idk i feel like that alone is something to be proud of.

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             "  why  give  up  ?  i  mean  ,  he  was  such  a catch  .  .  .  and  your  first  real  match  ?  come  on  .  "  it's  mocking  entirely  in  jest,  the  two  of  them  falling  into  a  comfortable  stride  .  it  was  surely  an  odd  scene  to  any  passerby  ,  but  brooks  couldn't  find  it  in  him  to  care  about  appearances  .  the  cut  above  his  brow  still  throbbed  a  horrible  ache  ,  but  the  blood  had  (  mostly  )  stemmed  .  "  i  get  that  ,  "  he  starts  ,  tone  something  entirely  different  ,  "  just  got  out  of  that  ,  actually  .  sounds  like  we  have  great  taste  .  "  idle  hands  find  his  pockets  ,  sneaking  glances  when  she  found  bright  enough  light  .  catches  a  glance  at  her  bloodied  sleeve  ,  his  guilt  immediately  spiking  considering  it  was  likely  ruined  .  "  i'm  sorry  about  your  shirt  .  "

she does little to disguise the hint of surprise that adorns her fair complexion, following suit as he stands and gesturing towards the direction in which her apartment was. the best thing about living in new york? being a five minute walking distance to anywhere - not that she spent much time taking advantage of that. she couldn’t help but laugh, embarrassment flooding her, cheeks pink under the flickering streetlights. ❛ let’s just say that’s the first and last time i will ever use a dating app. ❜ her friends had thought that dating around would help lift her from her writers block, instead, all she got was a man who was jealous of anything that even looked in her direction - including her cat. ❛ we didn’t even date. it was more like a two month situationship from hell. ❜

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          the gesture is unbelievably simple , certainly nothing ulterior or clandestine about the soft weight of her head on his shoulder . still , river can feel his heart shake off its cobwebs of dormancy at her closeness . he can’t remember the last time he felt this sensation : the jackhammer thud against his ribcage , his pulse in his ears , surely strong enough to move the fabric of his shirt . cass had a talent of dashing through his pretenses , and under normal circumstance river may have pulled away and re-adjusted one of his well-polished masks , but not tonight . tonight , he yields . attentive as she speaks , hanging on every word , wondering if they would ever reach the root of whatever this was between them . “ i don’t think you’re trying to change me , cass. ” he pushes a breath of air from his nose , weighing if it was wise to continue his train of thought , “ but it probably wouldn’t be a bad thing if i did . change might do me good . i feel faulty most days . ”  he winces as the words leave his mouth , the honesty feeling excessive . the night air grows unbelievably oppressive around him , lungs thick and gummy as she delves further . he understood this as a mutual surrender of their suffering , even if it was only alleviated until daylight . when he moved to rest his head atop her own , the idea of waving that white flag felt easier .  " you terrify me in general , since we're sharing secrets . . . but tell me who is that is exactly . the person you choose to be , i mean . ” 

aims to toe the line between casual and intimate , settling for the act of resting her head against his shoulder . while this conversation was uncharted territory , she can feel the mutual push and pull , delicate intricacies tucked between weighted confessions that beg to be shared like a sacred litany for a two - person clergy . notices the way he avoids her gaze , doe eyes silently imploring him to speak nonetheless . “ i . . . ” a fragmented piece of a larger whole , wide range of sudden emotion sticking to her ribs , constricting until she has to remind herself to inhale and exhale . his sentiment proves that this is far beyond simple infatuation , their affection not fitting the description of giddy and fickle . it felt substantial , endearment towards river able to warm her every time it coursed through her veins and subdue whatever static was filling her head . “ well . . . you know i don’t want you to change , right ? if it's organic , that's fine but i don’t want you to think that i’m trying to morph you into someone else . ” their environment provided enough carbon copies of its residents , both of them outliers in their own right . “ i think i could sense the sadness because a part of me was carrying it around , too . ” she’s torn between biting her tongue or elaborating but reasons that he’s far more deserving of the latter . “ you were — are — the only thing that feels real to me sometimes . things can feel so fabricated and monotonous but you've never expected anything from me . i just am who i am . it’s terrifying and exhilarating to feel that mix but you’re the only person who can make me feel it because you’re willing to see me for whoever i choose to be . ” 

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               her  tensed  frame  eventually  relaxes  in  his  arms.  marcus  realizes,  as  she  further  softens  in  their  sway,  that  if  this  is  the  one  thing  he  got  right  tonight,  that  it  would  be  enough  for  him.  “  you’re  not  overly  sensitive,  ”  he  softly  promises,  resting  his  chin  atop  her  head.  he  stared  blankly  at  his  emptied  kitchen,  focusing  on  the  words  she  spoke,  the  synchronization  of  their  breathing.  "  i  wanna  know  what  you’re  thinking,  how  you’re  feeling…  even  if  you’re  just  tired,  ”  the  end  of  his  plea  is  punctuated  with  soft  laughter,  as  if  fatigue  wasn’t  the  tip  of  their  iceberg.  still,  the  amount  of  times  he  wished  he  had  access  to  her  thoughts  was  countless.  marcus  was  always  piecing  together  fragments  of  her  early-morning  admissions,  wondering  if  a  particular  lilt  in  her  voice  or  gleam  in  her  eye  could  have  added  new  weight  to  a  simple  phrase.  now,  with  all  their  cards  scattered  across  the  table,  he  didn’t  want  elena  holding  back  anymore.  he  hums  in  response  to  her  thanks,  curious  if  she  knew  how  much  he  needed  this,  too.  marcus’  mind  goes  quiet  for  the  first  time  as  they  stand  here,  knowing  that  this  was  what  made  all  the  suffering  worthwhile.  it  meant  something,  everything,  for  moments  like  this  one.  he  feels  her  neck  crane  up  to  him,  snapping  him  out  of  his  haze.  her  mom.  of  course.  in  all  the  chaos,  marcus  hadn’t  considered  much  of  anything  that  wasn’t  right  in  front  of  him.  “  we  can  do  that,  ”  his  nerves  edged  to  the  forefront  of  his  voice.  he  releases  her,  arms  falling  to  his  sides  as  he  moves  slowly  into  his  bedroom.  he  looks  back,  “ how  much  does  she  know,  exactly?  about  me,  i  mean… ”  hoping  against  hope  that  he  hadn’t  already  slashed  through  his  opportunity  of  a  good  first  impression,  but  if  her  mother  knew  anything  about  him  being  snuck  into  her  home  in  the  dead  of  night,  absolutely  blasted  nonetheless,  slurring  confessions  of  love  and  stumbling  up  her  stairs,  then  a  nail  was  already  deep  within  his  coffin.  “  we  shared  a  meaningful  wave,  your mom  and  i,  "  he  jests.

at least she could walk off to the kitchen with relief in her chest he was agreeing to leave all those obstacles that caused hurt, despite doing them for his safety, in the past. and the pinky promise left a small happy imprint on her heart that clung to a lost childhood oath's like pinky promises. still, a few tears did manage to slip from her eyes onto her bag she took from rory's as she leaned over it, hand sunk into it to pull out pink care bear slippers. sticking her feet into them once dropped in front of her and shuffling to his kitchen with her phone in her hand. by time she was sipping on found water, remembering the tea that was still waiting for her on his nightstand and clearing off all those harassing messages with quick swipes of her thumb. the suddenness of arms capturing her startled elena, despite how attentive his movements were. causing her to tense in his embrace and then relax once brain registered she wasn't running from anyone and where she was at. hands lifted to gently curl around the front of his arms, home– this was home. "it's okay." smiling at his apology and the kiss to her head, it did mean a lot to hear it. then was quiet for a moment, feeling guilt he had to be sorry even if he did say some things that upset her. no, he hadn't said the right things a second ago. but he was saying them now. "you didn't mean to. it's not worse.. i'm just overly sensitive." she claimed, just to keep him from feeling bad. even if it was true about herself, maybe she was being too sensitive..? "i get more sensitive than i already am when i'm tired." she nuzzled her temple against bicep, temporarily closing her eyes shut. "this is really all i needed, though. so thank you," she tells him, letting him know how much him coming after her and giving her a hug helped flush away all the sadness consuming her chest. it worked like magic getting rid of all the gloom, especially when she came in here to hide her need to cry but now that was changed because she didn't feel the need to now. "i need to text my mom. let her know i'm okay, that i'm with you. let's go back to your room and take a picture with our tea you made us, i'll show her. she'll love that, i promise. she'll find it super cute– like me." a smile finally pulled at her lips, head canting up to stare up at her dinosaur in height boyfriend with bambi eyes. which caused that smile to spread more secretly, at remembering that embarrassing nickname she made for him that he didn't like. it almost made her want to laugh, especially when he had no idea what she was thinking about. just her and a pair of innocent doe-eyes staring up at him, he didn't have to know.

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               he  takes  the  beer  and  her  paper  thin  explanation  ,  still  finding  it  difficult  to  look  in  her  direction  .  "  i'm  sure  he  loved  that  ,  "  he  mumbles  ,  doubting  it  was  the  whole  truth  .  he'd  already  plied  himself  with  enough  alcohol  ,  desperate  to  drown  the  image  of  margot  wrapped  around  the  stranger  that  had  seared  into  his  brain  ,  but  he  still  took  a  deep  swig  from  the  new  bottle  .  there  was  no  easy  explanation  for  all  of  his  annoyance  ,  this  deep  and  scathing  discontent  ,  yet  it  felt  impossible  to  suppress  .  "  i  almost  did  ,  "  he  answers  truthfully  ,  feeling  drunkenly  brazen  before  he  continues,  "  do  you  do  shit  like  that  to  make  me  jealous  ?  be  honest  .  "

" someone had to get refreshments, " she explains, gesturing to the cold beer in each of her hands before offering him one— a sort of unspoken apology. " i told him i'd rather hang out with this one. " she replies, leaning over to nudge his shoulder. while she hadn't given him that explanation, it was the truth. drew took up too much space in her heart for anyone else to lay claim for too long. " i felt like it took me forever to find you. i was worried you left. "

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               she  can't  suppress  her  grimace  as  jasper's  excuses  fly  in  one  ear  and  straight  out  the  other  ,  impatient  for  him  to  give  it  up  .  "  okay  ,  fine   .  .  .   why  don't  you  tell  me  where  you  were  last  night  ?  we  can  be  diligent  about  details  ,  but  i  have  photos that  some  friends  sent  over  that  might  fill  in  any  gaps  you  miss  .  "

" have you ? because i feel like you're consistently waiting for an opportunity to accuse me of lying . everyone's bound to botch a few details here and there , claud . doesn't make them an outright liar . "

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               “  this  wasn’t  your  fault  ,  ”  brooks  assures  with  a  groan  .  the  consolation  sounded  hollow  over  the  pulsing  ache  in  his  temple  ,  but  he  meant  it  nonetheless  .  in  hindsight  ,  he  hadn’t  done  much  to  de-escalate  the  situation  .  no  matter  how  good  intentioned  ,  brooks’  mouth  had  certainly  earned  him  the  shiner  he  was  sporting  .  he  can’t  help  but  eye  the  stark  contrast  of  dark  crimson  on  her  once-white  sleeve  once  she  pulls  it  away  ,  the  gesture  of  ruining  her  shirt  oddly  striking  at  his  sentimentality  .  with  a  nearly-dead  phone  in  his  pocket  and  the  daunting  idea  of  going  home  alone  after  a  trauma  to  the  head  ,  he  doesn’t  need  long  to  mull  her  offer  over  .  “  i  guess  a  bandaid  is  the  least  you  could  do  ,  ”  he  stands  up,  eyes  meeting  her  own  as  a  crooked  smile  spreads  across  his  face  ,  “  and  you  can  tell  me  all  about  romeo  in  there  on  the  way  ?  ”

getting ditched by her friends, running into her ex, and being the center of a bar fight with the insanely hot drummer was certainly not on her bingo card for the night. she sits crossed legged on the bench beside him, using the sleeve of her white top to dab at the wound, she never really wore this one anyway. ❛ i’m trying. ❜ sophia says, unable to hide the smile curving onto her lips. the one time she chooses going out over a cup of tea and a spicy book and it ends in an extraordinary disaster. ❛ i’m really sorry about - all of this. ❜ and i solemnly swear to never leave my house again. ❛ i don’t - i don’t live far. if you, you know - i mean i have a first aid kit and . . . a shower. ❜ she bites her tongue, fighting back the rose blush and instant regret surrounding her ridiculous offer. he probably has a shower of his own, idiot.

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               it  wounds  ,  the  way  that  she  made  the  idea  of  keeping  niceties  sound  like  a  burden  .  still  ,  he’s  sure  to  pull  his  brows  together  ,  etching  a  look  of  confusion  deep  across  his  features  .  “  i  didn’t  know  moving  on  meant  never  speaking  again  .  ”  marcus  had  felt  callie’s  absence  in  his  life  ,  large  and  intrusive  ,  a  nagging  lack  in  his  day-to-day  .  he  had  wondered  if  his  absence  in  her  life  had  inspired  similar  feelings  ,  and  he  seemed  to  now  have  his  answer  .  “  but  if  that’s  what  you  want,  to  forget  everything  .  .  .  then  fine  .  "

gentle hues avoid strong gaze . how could he be saying this when he knew everything that had happened between them ? ❝ that's not fair , marcus . i shouldn't have to talk to you . can't we just move on and forget about us ? ❞

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ﾟ ✧  closed , @unleaveables . 

               "  ah  ,  you  came  up  for  air  ,  "  words  are  knife  sharp  as  she  approaches  ,  his  eyes  intentionally  directed  anywhere  but  her  direction  .  drew  had  no  right  ,  but  the  sight  of  her  on  the  stranger  made  him  corrosively  bitter  .  "  how'd  you  manage  stepping  away  from  that  mouth  breather  anyway  ?  "

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ﾟ✧ open to: f / nb .

               "  we're  playing  strangers  now  ?  .  .  .  you're  really  just  going  to  walk  right  past  me  ?  "

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ﾟ✧ open to: f / m / nb .

               "  i've  given  you  so  many  chances  to  just  tell  the  truth  .  "