blueangelsq

[blueangelsq]

Somewhere in all of this there's something that matters.....

Right?

[blueangelsq]

I saw you on LinkedIn and was so shocked. How did you end up there? Why now, after... what... eighteen years? I couldn't believe it. It was such a pleasant surprise.

I admit, l looked at your profile, and it's because you now work in a similar industry. In my same city. What kind of coincidence is that? LinkedIn has that creepy social media habit of suggesting people to us that might be relevant.

I don't know if you remember me though, so I didn't connect. I was too nervous. I'm still thinking about it, but still too nervous. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't remember me. I've always been sort of forgettable for some reason. Too quiet maybe.

We attended a summer camp together called Upward Bound. 2002 or 2003 I think, in Northern California. I was the emotional geek who wrote bad poetry. The one who said she didn't like flowers (it wasn't true). You were the boy everyone liked because you were just that type of person. Likeable. Always smiling. Long bright red hair. After the program ended you went abroad for school. We were pen pals for a short time.

We lost touch, as kids do. I lost access to that email address.

Anyway, how are you? Are you doing well? Are you living well? Did you get to do what you wanted when you finished college? Did you travel a lot? Are you married? Have kids? Are you happy? Do you have hobbies you enjoy?

I hope you're happy. I hope you have a good life. I don't know (I don't think) we will ever talk again, but I think about you from time to time, wondering how you're doing. Spending time with you during that summer was the best part of any of my high school summers. When they didn't renew the program I was honestly sad. It's a secret, but you were my first real crush.

I'm pretty much the same, I think. Just older. Still geeky. Less trusting maybe, but more positive. More comfortable in my own skin. I'm going back to school this year to become a pilot.

So I actually won't be in this city for much longer. The college I'm attending is as far south from here as one can get without leaving the country. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's good we never meet, so the memory I have of you remains the same. So really, on the very off chance this ever gets to you, I just want you to know that I remember you and the memory is a fond one. Thank you for that. Thank you for making my time on that campus amazing and for writing to me while you were abroad.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

[blueangelsq]

Always make sure you take the time to note when you're having a good day. It's so easy to let the negative things rule your life.

Today is a good day. I am happy today. I was tired, but I wasn't down. Despite having a headache, a felt good emotionally.

Nothing special happened. Just...

Today was a good day.

[blueangelsq]

I envy no man on Earth.

Once the wings go on, they never come off, whether they can be seen, or not.

It fuses to the soul through adversity, fear and adrenaline and no one who has ever worn them with pride, integrity and guts, can ever sleep through the “call of the wild” that wafts through bedroom windows in the deep of the night.

When a good pilot leaves the `job’ and retires, many are jealous, some are pleased and yet others, who may have already retired, wonder.

We wonder if he knows what he is leaving behind, because we already know.

We know, for example, that after a lifetime of camaraderie that few experience, it will remain as a longing for those past times.

We know in the world of flying, there is a fellowship which lasts long after the flight suits are hung up in the back of the closet.

We know even if he throws them away, they will be on him with every step and breath that remains in his life.

We also know how the very bearing of the man speaks of what he was and in his heart still is.

Because we fly, we envy no man on earth.

Author ~ Unknown

[blueangelsq]

Look at this... https://pin.it/ghh7xbse6cgmt6

In case you wanted to know where superwholock went, this post is accurate. Also. I found this post on Pinterest, which is now reposted back to Tumblr.

[blueangelsq]

It's okay to be okay with my current situation. Especially since I think I know where I'm going from here. I've accepted that I am whole just as myself and I don't need society's approval to feel complete. I know I don't need a relationship to be okay. Or even happy. I've learned to do that all on my own. The ability to be alone and happy is something I am very proud to have obtained. I take advantage of it every day and I love it. Because it was DAMN hard to get here. The emotional mess I was for a long time was terrible. But I did it. I learned how to not hate the person in my own head and I am proud of that. We still squabble a lot, she still says a lot of awful things, but I don't hate her any more. Being alone is starting to become fun. I like that I have a vision of myself where I can accomplish all these things without the help of another person. There's so much powerful positivity in that. In being able to see myself that way.

Still.

It's okay to still want that relationship with someone. Even though the value they would need to bring to my life would have to somehow eclipse the value I obtain in what I've come to see as the absolute freedom of being alone, and that might be impossible. Even though it's too idealistic a hope, I think it's okay to wish that person is actually out there somewhere. The person that fits all the things I hope for. I do very much hope he exists and that I will find him someday, or he will find me, or we will find each other. It would be nice to find someone who I value so much that I am willing to allow their mess into my own mess, and vice versa.

Yeah... Definitely too idealistic because I'm not good with confrontation, but it's okay to hope.

[blueangelsq]

All the men I find myself attracted to turn out to be gay. What the hell does that mean.

[blueangelsq]

Most of the time I tell people I'm okay. I'm shy and an introvert, so being alone doesn't bother me.

But the truth is I'm deathly afraid that someone will come into my life, fall in love with me and I with him, but then will see the mess of a garbage human I am and want nothing to do with me.

I couldn't take that. Better to be alone and lonely than utterly broken.

[blueangelsq]

I see The Mountain in the distance. Every day on my way home. Sometimes I see it because the clouds are rolled back and the sky is clear and the white gleaming face of it glows bright in the afternoon sun. Sometimes I see it only in my mind's eye because rain pelts the world and the haze of storm has descended to touch the earth. On those days when that lonely peak is hidden from my eyes, I still say, "Hello, friend. I can't see you, but I know you're there," and I wonder, if I say it enough, will the Earth smile a little in knowing I care?

[blueangelsq]

I have lamented many times in the past that I do not read as much as I used to. I could never figure out why. I also don't watch as many movies as I used to.

I realized today, just now, it's because I am addicted to and spend almost every idle moment I have

On my phone.

[blueangelsq]

There is nothing

What if, when you can't decide where to keep your focus and what to put your energy into... When you don't know and might never know what your passion will be...

Can the thing you're passionate about be the determination not to quit something?

If you love art, but also want to learn how to fly... How do you choose which one to focus on? In school it'll be one or the other, right?

If you instead choose one and be passionate about the determination to finish it... Is that okay? Does it have to be the thing you learn, or is it okay that it's just not to quit?

[blueangelsq]

Welp, I guess I get it now.

I have a crush on a fictional character. People talk about it, write fan fics about it, rave about it, but I've never been one to say, 'oh yeah, I wish this or that person were a real person because I love them!' I read so much and play so many video games, but a fictional character just never struck me like that.

But now I know Cullen Rutherford exists and I guess that's just the end of any reasonable romantic expectations I have now. Awesome.

[blueangelsq]

Is this what giving up feels like? (stream of thought)

***Edit 10/10/19***

I wanted to leave a little update on this to remind myself that I don't feel this way ALL the time. It's just that some days are bad. But some days are good, too. Today, for example, was an alright day. I also have a bit of direction now, which I did not have at the time of this original writing. Just try to remember that, though it feels like it may never end, bad things don't last forever. You WILL be okay, and you WILL be happy again.

***End Edit***

I am unsure why I've decided to start posting here. 

I live alone. I've recently moved to a new state where I know no one. I have generalized anxiety disorder and have a hard time talking to people in normal social situations. Everything makes me nervous. I avoid meeting new people and tend to get irritated when unexpected things disrupt my routines. But at the same time I crave a certain amount of adventure and spontaneity.

I'm 33 years old. A geek. I am not overweight and am physically active. My main hobbies are anime and gaming, but I also love hiking and urban walks and have a bench and weights at home that I like using. I have a hard time eating healthy though, mostly because I hate cooking and find it entirely tedious. I mostly eat frozen veggies and rice. I... don't eat the veggies frozen. I do cook them. I just buy frozen because they're already cut and it's less to deal with.

I still don't know why I've started this. I guess I'll just write words until I've got nothing left to write.

I have trouble saving money. I pay my bills and am responsible in that way, but frivolous with any excess and can never seem to save anything. I was good at it when I was saving cash though rather than using a savings account, oddly.

I feel like I've reached a point where there's really no reason to continue forward. Striving for things, trying to learn, trying to be somehow productive or useful with my time... I have lost the purpose of it. There a certainly things I'm good at, things I could master if I did the work. I just can't seem to muster the discipline or motivation to do it any more.

*Why?* is the question I ask myself a lot these days. Why continue? What good is it any more? I'm in my mid thirties and have nothing to show for it, but it feels like it's too late now. There's no point in starting anything new, is there? I'll never have enough time to master any of it now.

Maybe this is a yell into the void and there really isn't a purpose to it. You know how sometimes you just want to say something 'aloud' but don't really know who to say it to? It's like that. Or maybe that you don't really need to say it to anyone in particular, but it's weird to talk to yourself in public. Kind of like that? The internet is great for yelling into the void. No one out there listens, but you can yell as loud as you want and no one really complains either.

I do feel like I'm beginning to give up. Powering through alone is very hard. You tire easily. But there's no one here, so nothing to be done. You try to keep going it alone, but really being alone all the time is quite hard. You can lose reasons for things. Like I am now. If you don't have good friends around you to encourage you, especially when it's hard to see the merit in what you're doing, it's easy to start believing there isn't actually a point to any of it. I could be the greatest line artist in the world, but it doesn't matter because what's the point of creating stuff when no one is there to appreciate it?

So I'm telling you, The Void, that I feel like giving up. Though I promised I would never be that person, it was a promise I made when I was very young, to no one in particular, and feels like a rather pointless promise now. Nothing feels likes it's got purpose behind it any more.

I have used the word pointless quite a lot here. And that's how it feels. Why continue to draw, or improve? I gain nothing from it and neither does anyone else. There is no GOOD in it, if that makes sense.

Yet.

You know what sucks? There are a shit ton of IDEAS just floating around up here. Right in the space around my head, at eye level. Images I can see SO CLEARLY that would be beautiful on paper. If I had the skill and the patience and the motivation and the... But I just don't care enough any more. I have forgotten how.

I have forgotten how to care enough to actually start something. Or, on the rare occasion I manage it, I can't care enough to finish. I can't count the number or drawings or stories that are laying around here only half finished or barely begun. The story of that little girl who befriends a forest spirit or the picture of the woman with galaxies in her hair.

I don't know.

I just don't know. And I've run out of steam. There's not much left here but a tired, groggy mind and a body that's harder to move by the day.