blue-rose-of-sorrow - Tumblr blog

[blue-rose-of-sorrow]

Sigh... Another Tough Day Without Her.

What should I do? I wanna reach out so bad and call her but I'm scared she's not going to want to talk with me... Why would she? I purposely tried to make her cry because I couldn't handle losing her like a child... It hurts me knowing that I can't reach out and talk to her... I have been having few crappy days since this happened and nobody seems concerned about me or the fact I haven't been talking to nobody these last few days... My head is killing me because I'm not eating right; I have been eating once a day and drinking water the rest of the day. I guess, you can call this a diet but a unhealthy one. I miss her so much, my days aren't as bright as they were when she was in my life.. I honestly don't have reason to smile anymore besides my son.. But it's not the same as smiling when you're talking to someone that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with... What hurts me the most is I knew that, she was the one and only woman for me and I fucked it up... I have never had someone that was my other half until I met her... She was the Kagome to my Inuyasha, the Asuna to my Kirito, the Aoi to my Ōdanna, the ZeroTwo to my Hiro and My Ray to Her Zack... And now I have nothing... But my memories of her...

[blue-rose-of-sorrow]

Another Day Gone ...

Sigh... Day 2 and I still feel like shit. I'm having the hardest time now at work because I can be doing something and start thinking about her. And it sucks because people think me and her are still talking and we're not.. It's killing me because my brother and grandma asked about her and I had to lie because I didn't wanna tell nobody because I didn't want anyone to see me like this. Like how do you tell people that you were being insecure and pissed her off to the point that she couldn't take it anymore and left you alone. I actually thought about my game today but when I got home and thought about it. I just went straight to sleep because I find it easier then thinking about the woman you love and what she is doing. And with the way my mind works, I'm only hurting myself with bad thoughts.

But I really wonder if she has even thought about me once or if it's just hateful thoughts. I wanna reach out so bad and talk to her... But I don't know if it's a good idea or not. Because if she's completely done with me, I honestly don't think my heart could take her that. I have been hurt and lied to plenty of time and I can honestly say this is hurting more than anything. Just wish I could hear her voice again... But as sad as I am, I might cry if I talk to her now...

[blue-rose-of-sorrow]

First 24hrs Without Her..

Apparently, it's been a bit over 24hrs now, and I don't think I can do this.. It's taking everything in me to not reach out to her like I usually do. Working today was a complete drag... I kept to myself and haven't ate anything since yesterday evening. It's hard to think about food or eating when your chest hurts like this. I didn't think would affect me like this, but I guess it's never been this bad either.. Like it hurts so much losing someone you have been off & on with so long and have told secrets that not even your own family members know about you. I tried to play my game and most broke down into tears because I know everything has changed for me. And I'm losing interest in my favorite game because I don't have my partner in crime to troll with or steal kills from and even kill for the fun of it. My love for Nobushi, Peacekeeper and even Warden has died because those were her mains. This pain is too much for me to deal with alone but I can't reach out to nobody because my online problems aren't important enough. Just wish someone could reach out and tell me what to do... Because I can't stop looking at her pictures, even though I know it's causing me emotional pain. My eyes keep tearing up because I know I let the best thing of my life go... If anyone has ever felt this way, let me know... Even though, I don't think anyone can see this since I don't have no friends here. But at least, I could get this pain off my chest. Like a journal that nobody can see..

Night Tumblr and whoever can see this.

Might start doing poems again like I used to when dealing with my depression in the past. To express myself and hopefully one day someone will reach out and share their pain to me.

[blue-rose-of-sorrow]

Sigh... I honestly have never felt this kind of sadness before it's consuming my very soul.. I guess this is depression in it's truest form. Knowing that in the end, I lost something that was very precious to me and can never get it back. And what really hurts me the most is that with her being gone. I found out that I actually don't even know who I really am.. My life was always about making her happy since she was always in crappy relationships. And in the end, I became the thing I wanted her to forget about the most.. My trust issues consumed me once again and I took it out on the person I loved most in this world. And it taking everything in me to not breakdown and cry because my stupidity was my own worst enemy. I honestly can say she wasn't worth losing, she was perfect and is irreplaceable and I took such beautiful fragile flower for granted... Without a doubt, Until The Day I Die... She Will Always Be My Eternal Regret..