blog-raeofmoonlight

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

I have started sleeping away more than half the day and when I wake I am cloaked in the aftermath the heaviness of rising unwillingly is soaked into my bones I can feel my vessels vibrating as if they are rejecting their existence here I prefer the dreams for in them I still cannot know the future but sometimes the comforting feeling of knowing that what’s happening is right spreads through my chest sometimes I know which way to turn I know that jumping will be safe and a rush of pure excitement, no fear, buoys me ~ I am not in control of events in either life I do have chronology in my dreams so who are you to tell me that one life is more valuable? sure, awake gives me the characters for my dreams but my dreams give me stories for awake I try and draw them out, write them out, tell them out but never have they such vivid life as within my mind so I will choose to sink into them again when I have the misfortune to open my eyes

(via myself-after-midnight)

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

“She just wants someone to look at her and see the truth she barely hides that secondary layer, so close to the surface it’s almost transparent, you can see the words pushing through from another page will you not read them? They just want to be seen you don’t have to understand it, or love it just validate it recognise their existence that will be balm enough to sooth the worried heart that questions the format of her own presence maybe one day the pages will twine together form new sentences, words equally displayed for now these are the secret words not for lack of wishing but for lack of noticing on everyone elses part there is no extensive facadeShe just needs someone to actually try realise there must be something else, for in every person there is always something else and to truly hear, listen in between her breaths and recognise the other layer.”

—

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

I told myself

If you knew

how badly

I was broken

you would never

break me.

(still in pieces)

- C. March 5th, 2018

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

Bandaids

But, I cried to my therapist, 

I’m not turning

 to substances

to numb the pain. 

You don’t think you gravitate

 from one

co-dependent relationship 

to another 

to do

the same thing? 

They are still bandaids 

to cover up 

how you are hurting. 

You are still hurting. 

- C. April 5th, 2018

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

I’m worth more than the framework dictated by your eyes. 

- C. April 17th, 2018

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

Anxiety

I’m screaming and no one can hear me.

- C. February 28th, 2019

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

it’s

too late now

to

worry about how

i’m

going to get along

you

had your chance

and you

took your stance

now

it’s time for me

to

finally be free

and

to dance along

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

1001 Grams, (2014)

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

I am angry and I am bored

There’s still a little bit

Of my sanity left,

Enough, maybe, to decipher

How I feel when I wake up

From a bad dream.

Nowadays they appear to be

parodies

Of my day-to-day

Life

But they run too fast with my thoughts

Of self-deprivation and loneliness

To be parodies worth laughing at.

I try so hard

To ignore them

And block everything out

But I’m angry

And I’m bored

Of sounding like a broken record.

But maybe I’m broken

And I’m angry

And I have every right to be.

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

The Curse of Being an Overachiever

Often I find myself asking if others ever feel stuck the way I do. Here’s the thing, since I was a child I would tell my parents that I had a mission here on earth...which is quite odd. The oddest part is that as an adult, I still feel the same way. I truly feel like I’m here to help others. The moment that I started my internship at various schools, I knew I was heading towards the right direction.

At that time, I remember crying several times in my car on my way back home from internship. Not because I was stressed or tired, but because I saw the changes that I made. ME. Who knew that I could make such a change in other people’s lives?! Several of my supervisors clients were turned over to me, because my supervisors believed that they connected more with me then themselves.These professionals who had gone to school longer than I have had more confidence in me to connect with the clients. I am forever grateful to them, because thanks to them I got experiences other students did not. They put the pride, that many supervisors have, aside and knew that clients would further succeed under me and they did.

However, I didn’t know how much things would change for me when I graduated and had to transfer to an all online program. I’ve always thought that I was an introvert, and maybe I am...but the lack of interaction and busyness in my life has taken a toll on my mental health. I am a person that feels that my life purpose is important, and I feel stuck when I’m not moving in that direction.

As I type this, it’s hard to take my own advice, however if you feel the same way...remind yourself to be patient. People who have grown up under the overachiever mindset have it hard because with any short break in that momentum, we panic.

I often take for granted all that I’ve done since high school. Looking back I realize that I should be proud of all of the things I’ve accomplished. My first year of college started during high school and when I graduated I already had college credits to fall back on. I had always promised my parents they would get to see me graduate high school in white (meaning with honors) as a thanks to them for all they’ve done for us as Mexican Immigrant parents, and I did. I also graduated with my associates earlier than I was supposed to all while having a work study job, and teaching myself Korean. I then took a big step and decided I wanted to move to another town in order to be on campus and be more active on campus and so I did. During my two years in my bachelors program, I was challenged extremely with about 6 sites to internship at. I don’t regret the hardships, because I got to see so many children overcome their demons step by step and gain trust in humans once again. I remember during my interview for these internships I mentioned that I knew that I would not only learn from the experience, but also the kids themselves. I vividly remember it because the interviewer smiled in agreement. Little did I know, that is exactly what happened. I learned patience, love, and how to enjoy the simple things again through them. I also became Vice-President and Temporary President of the Social Work Club of my school as well. That year I graduated with highest honors once again despite it being a challenging program. Later on, I got the greatest news when I found out I was accepted into the Master’s program of social work for the school that I dreamed of attending. I even became an official paid Live Streamer for an app during that time!

This post isn’t made to display and boast about all of my accomplishments, but more to display how stuck we can get in the overachiever mindset. See....even though I accomplished all these amazing things I still beat myself up for not currently doing as much. I admit, I miss having 10 different things to worry about everyday and having daily interactions with tons of people. But I gotta remind myself to pause and look back. I may feel stuck, but life isn’t about being successful 100% of the time. Remember that you’re on the path to these moments. As long as you’re working towards your goals, make sure to be patient with yourself. You’ll get there when it’s the right time. Learn from the past and the present, but soar for the future. Dream big my friends.

XOXO,

E

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

It’s Nights Like These

It’s nights like these that make me question my sanity. It’s a gnawing that comes and goes as it pleases. I become poetic, so much so that I feel numb...it’s like I’m absent yet feeling everything at once. The weirdest part is that this is my area of expertise. The various mental health diagnosis that exist, all lie inside my brain in an effort to possibly be there for others in their time of need. The textbooks describe it in an effort for others to understand, but only those who feel it will ever know how it truly destroys you.

It’s nights like these that I feel hypocritical. Who am I to state that I have it together enough to be there for others; as if I don’t feel the same pain they do? I’ve always felt it, but it always pesters me more when my mind becomes clouded with negative thoughts. The most annoying part of it all, is that sometimes I wish I had a reason to feel this way...but I don’t. Others can pinpoint their trigger, but I didn’t have one. It just kinda showed up one day, and decided to lease space in my mind as it pleases.

It’s nights like these where I realize what makes it different from how it used to be. The magic you ask?... I can snap myself out of it easier than before. As I read old blog post that were written in that utter despair long ago, I was surprised at how much things changed since then. At that time, I didn’t think I’d be alive this long. It felt like eventually, it would wrap it’s arms around me until I disappeared.

It’s nights like these that blame my current pace for the sudden dissociation. Becoming someone who only has school to worry about and nothing else has fatigued me. Especially knowing I used to have 10 things happening all at once. School, work, internship, social life, family, and goals kept me on my toes. And tonight, I lay here wondering why I’ve slowed down so much.

It’s nights like these, that inspire me to only push myself harder through the tempest, enough to become who the universe eventually wants me to become.

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

Moonlight

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

@misplacednotes // wanjiku wanjiru

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

My Grandma Visited Me

My grandmother passed away years ago. She was the matriarch of the huge family we have and her house was a place everyone went to as a home base.

Last night, a scene opened up in my eyes. In front of me was a lush green park with nothing but a long picnic table, long enough to fit our whole family. Everyone was seated, and I chose the middle of the table as my spot. As we waited, family members murmured or sighed in hopes of something or someone as if waiting for confirmation that that person would indeed attend. Suddenly, I hear someone say, “they let her visit us!” and as I looked up, my aunts walk in my grandmother and sat her across from me in the middle of the grand picnic table. Everyone settled into their seats carefully as if in an effort to not make sudden movements that could disrupt her appearance. She was dressed differently than she dressed back then. She had a cute 1950s-esque style hat and a Mexican vintage outfit that went along with it.

I didn’t hold back. I stood up and from across that table I hugged her tightly and told her that it had been so long that she visited me. She smiled, held my hand with hers and we sat back down.

I like to think it was a thank you. My father was taken to the E.R yesterday for some minor but nonetheless unsettling pains. As any daughter would do, I looked out for him and stayed with him to comfort and translate for him. I also wonder if she’s the reason I traveled back to visit my parents. Maybe she knew he was going to need to be seen soon, and knew he would have struggled without me. And for that, I thank her.

Everything happens for a reason

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

🌻spring is here🌻

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

Moonlight

[blog-raeofmoonlight]

Moon Room commission