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ilang beses na ba ako nagsulat tungkol sa mga pasista

alas dose ng umaga. pumipikit na ang mga mata sa kakahintay. nakaharap sa kompyuter at pansamantalang nagliliwaliw. baka sakaling magkaroon ako ng ideya tungkol sa mga nakalapag na gawain. ilang buwan na ba simula nang binigay ang takdang aralin na ito? hindi ko na rin alam. simula nag kolehiyo, ilang beses na ba ako nagsulat tungkol sa mga pasista? minsan naiisip ko kung may mga salita pa bang hindi nasasalita o angulong hindi pa nakukuha. hanggang kailan ba ako magsusulat patungkol sa mga delubyo sa mundo? ewan. nakakatamad. omg bigla kong naalala na pwede pala magsulat sa wikang filipino. oh edi sige. kaso ano namang isusulat ko. ay tangina.

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breadwinner na may amag

no single day in my life has ever been spent not mourning on what i could have been had i not be the breadwinner. the way it has been inscribed from the day i was born, or even conceived, that i am meant to "raise my family from the pits of poverty" makes me grieve for the identity that pre-existed before any of this transcription does. perhaps i would not gloss over the death of random strangers in my facebook newsfeed and wish that fate would have made sense being more cruel to me than them. perhaps i could have flourished more in my personal and professional endeavors. perhaps i need not terrorize myself of understanding and understanding and understanding the generational curse of mental fuck-up. in the universe where it is only i that i am responsible of, i would have loved fully dedicating my life to the marginalized. of what seals it all, more than the idea of an alternative reality, is how each day constantly slaps me the truth of never being decent at the only remaining purpose in my life. as much as i wish i could provide my siblings better lives, i still struggle to fit by my own and by the conventional standard of what is good enough. and the barely-giving-a-fuck society does not help at all given the shitty circumstances around us lately. the things i could control and the things that are beyond me belligerently cross path with each other to make the pathetic human being that i am. if only i was a step-half better version of myself, i would have at least managed to live a purpose unconstrained. then again i am just bound to decay until the end of my life.

xoxo

ps: wag niyo ako i-console. i am responsible for my own mental health. at awkward. tho comment kayo here and only here (gawa kayo tumblr account yieee) if gusto niyo rin magtrauma dump. this is a safe space.

psss: would love to read your journal entries as well. therapeutic daw siya according sa colleague ko. and wag niyo ko tawaging cloutchaser, this is just a toned down version of the most private blogs in my account AHAHHAHA

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age disaster

warning: raw thoughts, wasn't proofread, typed as i thought

eighteen mayhaps be the age most commemorated by people. totally understandable, the privilege that comes with being an adult is too great not to be celebrated. to mention, we can finally drive a car, legally get drunk, marry if u want lol, kill someone and go to prison for it <3, etc.

23 MORE DAYS and i'd finally belong on this group age!! am i supposed to be happy? perhaps not. lately, i've been feeling like a wave refusing to progress by the shoreline. idk if that makes sense but that's the only metaphor i could think of right now so i'd go on. instead of having this 'YAY-IM-SO-EXCITED-FOR-MY-DEBUT' thoughts, i am drowning on a mixture of negative feelings. i've never had a positive one for birthdays in the first place but the idea of being labeled as an 'adult' scares me A LOT.

i kept on tracing my past memories and it frightened me realizing that i've never maximized my teenage years. i might be exaggerating but u know there are things you can only do when you're a teenager!! for the past 17 years, i only lived my life trying to achieve something whether it was a goal, an honor, or whatsome. i couldn't remember a single day when i enjoyed life as it was enjoyable. studying hard was a responsibility but i made it my survival key. and i wasnt even the most grade conscious student in class??? it felt like i had just no other thing to do but to study,, so i did. to conclude, everything was for self-preservation. everything was for the sake of surviving a day and calling my self ~productive~. everything that i could have postponed for in adulthood was misplaced in my teenage years.

the most fun i had with my friends was the occasional visit to my friends' house. buT y0U knOW whAT? we could have done more!! we never went to prom, we never enjoyed the supposed-to-be-fun activities at school, we never gala outside metro, we BARELY flirted with men (not necessity but a want), ++. high school didnt give us the best opportunity to enjoy and to explore our friendship. worse, the pandemic happened and now, we couldnt even have a proper closure to what we were working hard for our whole hs life aka graduation day. i wish i could have had more of my hs life with them because the next time we'd have the chance to spend our time together?? ~insert chanan sound~ WE'RE ON COLLEGE!!

and what does college mean? more responsibilities, more of the self-preservation stuff i was talking about earlier, more effort needed, etcetera etcetera. as much as we have THAT chance, im afraid we'd rarely take it. i'm afraid that someday i'd have no one to send my selfies or vms with. i'm afraid that one day the least thing you could do when i try to hit you up is seenzone me~

dont get me wrong though. im not terrified of adulthood because of the amount of self-management i have to have or whatever. im ready to take on challenges at any given time. it's just that adulthood means more on thriving for success time and i wish you all success but i feel like we'd be all too focused on that. plus, it just really saddens me to be reminded of how bland my life is.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TO MY FRIENDS, let's not leave each other and let's enjoy our life to the maximum!!

life is short!!

love u all!!

im gonna end this now before i get too personal

love u again!!