blobbygasgiant

[blobbygasgiant]

i am giving myself time to grieve the versions of myself i was and the versions i never got to become

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i think if you wanna be loved you cannot shut yourself off to every person trying to know you. you have to open your heart like a little doorway and invite them in thru effort and little offerings of connection

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i know kindness exists because i am kind

[blobbygasgiant]

Crazyheadcomics

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adult life is truly just thinking “I NEED TO CLEAN” while dealing with the 17 other things that have a hard deadline

[blobbygasgiant]

2022

When I got out of bed this morning with the intention to write, I'd expected that I'd have a lot of meaningful and eloquent things to say - but all I really have is a jumble.

Today, I officially reached a significant milestone of losing 45 pounds. Back when I was at my heaviest, maybe 2 and a half years ago, I never thought this sort of thing could be possible. Of course, back then, I never really made the time nor the effort to try, because for as long as I have remembered, I have always been overweight and turned to junk food and overeating for momentary "comfort". To think that I'm about 20 away from being in a "healthy/fit" range at least defined by BMI, is absolutely crazy to me, and gives me even more of a push to keep going. Going back home to my parents' for Christmas, and being able to shop out of my own closet of clothes that I had used to wear in high school and college, felt so rewarding. I had been meaning to donate a lot of clothes I currently have that are two sizes or 4-6 inches bigger than I currently am, but was hesitant because I wasn't sure if I'd have any decent clothes left over. I think I'm in a good place now, though.

I got a promotion at work a few days before the winter holiday, which came with a pretty decent pay bump (at least, for Wisconsin living standards I guess). According to my manager, the annual evaluation I got is only reserved for the top 10% of performers in the company overall, and I should give myself a good pat on the back because my promotion came, not even a year into my time with the company. Yes, it feels validating and somewhat rewarding, though the more time passes, the more I get this feeling that tech/customer support just isn't something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. Or maybe, I just need to find myself in the right industry to have it also feel meaningful, or worth the frustration.

As I write these things, I surprise myself to see how much of my growth and accomplishment, I like to quantify and validate with numbers and metrics. I don't know if this has become the result of my time working in tech, and learning to think more critically and objectively when substantiating claims or establishing something as True or worthy of being investigated by eng. I do think that for much of my life, after my depressive episodes in London, I had become really disillusioned with using job titles, grades, or Facebook timelines as a way of substantiating one's progression through life, because I had subconsciously thrown myself into that pit - overworking myself, traveling, getting honors in school, likes on social media - and though I found myself playing the game rather well, it came at the cost of my own misery. I think that to some extent, I am finding myself in the same boat again... just minus the whole social media BS and desire to be praised by others. I do wonder how much of this comes naturally as an effect of hyper-capitalistic attitudes and pressures of today, to measure worth by productivity, and the extent to which one can be of value to a company, or of value to be something physically or outwardly attractive to be marketed or promoted. On the other hand... Maybe I don't need to feel ashamed over the fact that I feel better about myself and like the way I look now, and I like that my pay is going up so that I can save more.

My time at my parent's for the holidays went really well. I do feel that I am better learning to establish and communicate boundaries with them, and finding ways to reassure them that despite me choosing different beliefs and values than they raised me in - we have plenty in common to relate over, and I still very much appreciate all they have given me throughout my life. I wish it didn't have to be so rainy all the days I was there with them, but we did have our fair share of fun moments indoors - such as a Warriors game where Steph went off for 46, and watching the new Spider-Man movie together.

One giant cloud that weighs over me, currently, is my lack of comfortability with discussing, and considering the future that lies ahead of me. I realize that I have sort of become this person now, who does well in seizing the present moment (losing weight, getting promoted at work, restoring my relationship with my parents, doing chores/eating well/cooking for myself), but shrivels up in anxiety and worry at the thought of looming change.

I know I do not want to be in Wisconsin forever or in tech forever or without a family of my own forever, but somehow, being prodded with these questions of how I want to get there and when I want to be serious about those things, inevitably brings about such fear in me that I'm not at all ready (or will never be ready) to make those changes.

Yet, I see friends and relatives my age, making those changes and embarking on those adventures, everyday - proposing, getting married, buying houses, settling down, having children. Objectively, my mind sees these things and thinks - omg, so wonderful, they look so happy, I'd love to have that one day and am happy to be making progress toward those goals in my day to day. Then, there's another part of me that just wants to hold on longer to the current state of peace and the routine that I currently know.

Something that I think I've never been able to fully articulate fully because of the sad emotions it brings with it, is this idea that I lost a good chunk of my adolescence and college years to mental illness - time when I could have been carefree, enjoying the day to day with the relief that I'd still have time to "figure things out" (TM). The reality of the day is that I'm about to turn 27, despite my mind convincing me that I'm still 20, 21, or 22; if I subtract the years wasted spent, fighting against my own mind, to keep myself alive.

I know that self-pity, nevertheless, isn't the answer, and that the only way to go, is forward. I know I need to trust myself that I've rehabilitated myself to a point where I shouldn't have to worry about the darkness coming back (at least in a way that I can't handle), and that despite any change that could occur in my life, I remain the same and I know who that person is. I think that this idea of trust in myself is one I should keep dear to my heart and close to my thoughts as I go through this new year, because in reflection, it really feels like this is the missing piece for me to emerge, recover, and transform fully from my trauma, my depression, my darkness.

Sometimes, I get "On this day..." notifications from my Facebook, and get surprised at the reminder that it's been nearly 6 or 7 years since my darkest days. I've grown so much since. I know I can leave those moments as memories of a time past. I know that brighter days have already come to reassure me of the joy and lightness that comes with living, and I know that there will be even more to come soon.

[blobbygasgiant]

WHERE is that poem about that person learning all about their partners hyperfixation before getting dumped the last line is like "love is a stack of books on my nightstand with a bookmark near the end" I need it to feel whole help me please

[blobbygasgiant]

9 loaves, the feline bakery! (click for hq)

[blobbygasgiant]

The Quiet World by Jeffrey McDaniels 

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Recognizing emotionally mature people

Taken from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D. A summary of the tips the book hands you on how to recognize emotionally healthy people.

They’re realistic and reliable

They work with reality rather than fighting it. They see problems and try to fix them, instead of overreacting with a fixation on how things should be.

They can feel and think at the same time. The ability to think even when upset makes an emotionally mature person someone you can reason with. They don’t lose their ability to see another perspective just because they aren’t getting what they want.

Their consistency makes them reliable. Because they have an integrated sense of self, they usually won’t surprise you with unexpected inconsistencies.

They don’t take everything personally. They can laugh at themselves and their foibles. They’re realistic enough to not feel unloved just because you made a mistake.

They’re respectful and reciprocal

They respect your boundaries. They’re looking for connection and closeness, not intrusion, control or enmeshment. They respect your individuality and that others have the final say on what their motivations are. They may tell you how they feel about what you did, but they don’t pretend to know you better than you know yourself.

They give back. They don’t like taking advantage of people, nor do they like the feeling of being used.

They are flexible and compromise well. Because collaborative, mature people don’t have an agenda to win at all costs, you won’t feel like you’re being taken advantage of. Compromise doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a mutual balancing of desires. They care about how you feel and don’t want to leave you feeling unsatisfied.

They’re even-tempered. They don’t sulk or pout for long periods of time or make you walk on eggshells. When angered, they will usually tell you what’s wrong and ask you to do things differently. They’re willing to take the initiative to bring conflict to a close.

They are willing to be influenced. They don’t feel threatened when other people see things differently, nor are they afraid of seeming weak if they don’t know something. They may not agree, but they’ll try to understand your point of view.

They’re truthful. They understand why you’re upset if they lie or give you a false impression.

They apologize and make amends. They want to be responsible for their own behavior and are willing to apologize when needed.

They’re responsive

Their empathy makes you feel safe. Along with self-awareness, empathy is the soul of emotional intelligence.

They make you feel seen and understood. Their behavior reflects their desire to really get to know you, rather than looking for you to mirror them. They aren’t afraid of your emotions and don’t tell you that you should be feeling some other way.

They like to comfort and be comforted. They are sympathetic and know how crucial friendly support can be.

They reflect on their actions and try to change. They clearly understand how people affect each other emotionally. They take you seriously if you tell them about a behavior of theirs that makes you uncomfortable. They’ll remain aware of the issue and demonstrate follow-through in their attempts to change.

They can laugh and be playful. Laughter is a form of egalitarian play between people and reflects an ability to relinquish control and follow someone else’s lead.

They’re enjoyable to be around. They aren’t always happy, but for the most part they seem able to generate their own good feelings and enjoy life.

–  © Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D.

[blobbygasgiant]

I recommend constructing a detailed image of who you want to be and how you want your life to be, down to all the details (love-life, work, money, your home, day to day life, etc). Flesh it out fully and let your heart and desires govern the whole thing, don’t hold back at all, create your ideal life. And everyday think about it - and feel it. Feel it as if your life is already that way. And make all your decisions according to its ultimate fulfillment. Get in touch with your values, what’s really important to you, and let them guide you.

[blobbygasgiant]

big fan of walking in the rain. hate the concept of wet clothes. i am tired of life and its obscure sufferings

[blobbygasgiant]

DreamyMoons - Annie Tarasova on Instagram

[blobbygasgiant]

therapy 10/18/21

There is such a surprising amount of simplicity and straightforwardness that reveals itself in therapy.

Today's revelation: when combating anxiety that comes as the result of feeling overwhelmed by competing goals and priorities, first try to prioritize those goals along the axes of importance, and urgency.

After today's session, I've found some peace in knowing that while the things I am currently worrying about, all tend to be on a higher scale of importance - very few of them are worth considering with high urgency. I can survive and make do in my current day to day, if I'm unable to find the answers to all of my questions immediately.

Also, tldr; I really could benefit from being so hard on myself all the time. But I kinda already knew that...

[blobbygasgiant]

Hi friends! ACNH direct has resurrected me from the dead. I am so excited for all of these new updates ESPECIALLY all of the new interior opportunities!!!

Enjoy a Brewster celebratory post of a little coffee shop ❤️

[blobbygasgiant]

unhealthy thinking traps i'd like to change

1. I am a victim of my current circumstances. Woe is me. -> With my best efforts, I can have an opportunity to change and grow into something better, as long as I do my best

Why that doesn't suck - the things worth pursuing in life, often require hard work anyway. The saying goes, that "nothing good ever comes easy." Even for those I look up to and hold in high regard, I am sure that they have had moments where they had to push through difficult and stressful circumstances in order to achieve

2. If I do not do this thing perfectly, and receive constructive criticism for my efforts, I will never be good enough and my past efforts are invalid. -> Perfectionism is a myth, and the one of the best ways we can ever learn to get better, is through candid feedback from others. Also, it is up to you whether or not you will allow the words of others to take away from your perceived sense of accomplishment, and self-valuation of your efforts. You will always know yourself best.

Why this doesn't suck, either - would I ever expect, demand, or consistently try to enforce the same expectations of perfection, toward those I love? If I am to grow in self-love, which is essential to live a healthier and more positive lifestyle, I must try to challenge myself to take this feedback more gracefully, and assume the positive intent of the other (which is almost, always the case).

3. I am helplessly lost in life and no longer know who I am, or the kind of person I'd like to be. I used to rely so much on the affirmation of others and my desire to please them, to drive what I did in life. -> I have already gotten through the hard part of asserting to myself (and to my parents), that the person I was raised to be in my childhood, no longer aligns with the way I see the world now.

Now I have given myself the space to explore, and define, on my own terms, what makes sense to me... What I choose to be as my guides and ideals, the kind of person I would like to be instead, how I choose to grow in more confidence over my own voice, thoughts, and opinions. These are all essential in my becoming an adult. While somewhat intimidating and frightening, I can also think of this time as exciting and self-empowering. I will always have love and acceptance in my life, even if it only comes from myself. There is power in this.

[blobbygasgiant]

Let old sorrows melt away. Whole new world is coming into bloom for you.