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TFW you know your sweeties are home, and awake, and not doing a damn thing. And they still. Just. Do. Not. Text. You. Because. Reasons. I'm trying so hard to be over this issue and let it go but God damn.

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My religion is not deceiving myself.

Milarepa (via lazyyogi)

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I have a number of situations in my life to which this applies. This hangs on the wall at my workplace and I really needed to see it this morning. There will be something solid. I will be taught to fly. In this darkness. Siigghhhhhh.

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Which pain will you pick?

Overcoming obesity requires as great a commitment as it took apathy for me to become obese but in the opposite direction. I was in constant pain. I had heartburn that I thought was cardiac arrest but never went to the doctor to find out (ignorance is bliss). My knees cracked like a bag of popcorn underneath me. My back ached and my soul felt defeated.

Losing weight hurt too. My muscles were sore all the time, the first 30 days adjusting to eating like a “normal” person felt like I was starving because I didn’t understand nutrition yet. My first workouts were embarrassing and because I was ashamed, I didn’t tell anyone so I hardly had any support.

You don’t wake up successful in anything worth happening. You wake up and FIND success. You set your alarm for 4:30 and and get to the gym. You food prep on Sunday. You plan your work and you work your plan. You feel the soreness for the first 30 days.

And after a while, you finally feel like you’re truly alive.

You trade the pains of regret and neglect for the pains of discipline. Discipline becomes strength. Strength becomes mastery and mastery brings true and lasting joy.

And my dear friends, joy tastes a hell of a lot better than Doritos.

You get to pick between the pain of discipline and the pain of regret. Tylenol only works on one of them.

The pain you choose will decide the picture you see.

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TFW I can't tell if I'm isolating or if everyone is just avoiding me

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Fuck yeah. Yes, that's scrapple.

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Poly horror: when your partner is having problems in one of their other relationships, and you can’t express just how FUCKING CRAZY your metamour is because it might look like you are jealous or trying to break them up…. so you just sit there, watching someone you love get hurt again and again by their FUCKING CRAZY partner

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My doggie is a cuddle bear

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A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

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Recently at Brookside Gardens

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Me and my honey at Starbucks. We had breakfast burritos from Anita's. So good!!

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Consent advanced our romance

There’s an idea that two people who are truly meant for each other already know each other’s minds. They recognize each other’s soul as being their mate.

My husband and I have been together for about 25 years. We’re extremely compatible. It’s very easy for us to guess what the other would expect or want. We believed we are soulmates since the day we laid eyes on each other.

(Why are we polyamorous, you might ask? People have many soulmates. Read Brida, by Paulo Coehlo, but I digress)

When my metamour joined our family, though, those old guide rails suddenly became out of reach.

I couldn’t tell what he wanted anymore, because the familiar cues were gone. You know the questions… If he wanted me, why did he want her? If he wanted her, then that must mean he didn’t want me.

Etc.

There was a lot of tears and conflict. A lot of getting stuck in our heads and silent treatment while we stewed on our assumptions.

Until we broke​.

There’s two ways to break… Some will break apart. But for us, we broke wide open.

Consent is more than just asking for permission. Consent is also the right to say no, without guilt or pressure.

For as long as we’ve known each other, we both would gladly give anything the other wanted. It’s how I gave consent to my husband to approach his ex for a conversation that unexpectedly snowballed into this new adventure. Long story.

When we broke open, things changed for the better, and fast. He asked me what I wanted. He waited patiently for me to gather the courage to speak the truth (I’d rather not say anything than lie, he knew)

For awhile, I was in so much emotional pain, he couldn’t tell if I wanted him, or wanted him to leave.

So he asked.

And he asked every time we had our time together.

It was easy for me to tell him I wanted him, because that’s all I ever wanted… but from his asking, I learned that he needed to know that he was wanted.

So I learned to speak out loud that I did want him, directly and enthusiastically.

As the three of us adjusted with each other (who am I kidding, we’re still adjusting), he and I found security and assurance in asking and knowing the response would be true and not coerced.

Obvious questions like… Do I want to have sex tonight? Do you like it when I stand close to you while you work? May I have your time this weekend? Is it all right if she and I go out on Friday?

Yes and no come attached with insights to each other’s minds… Yes, please! Of course, I’m happy for you! Not now but later would be good. I’m not comfortable with that and here’s why. Not at that time, but would you consider this other time?

From his asking, I learned that I needed to ask for his consent as much as he asked for mine.

Every date is new and exciting because we don’t assume, we know to ask.

We’ve explored ideas and fantasies that we never had the guts to ask before, even after all these years, because we assumed. Practicing consent has made it safe to ask the crazy question and know that the other person will react with thoughtfulness and honesty.

Seriously, practicing consent is amazing in a relationship. The more the better.

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Got up early today and meditated. I read that a lot of western Buddhists like the idea of Christmas trees. Because the Buddha sat under a tree after all. To reach en-“light”-enment. So a tree with lights is a good symbol. I also read that they always use colored lights because the different colors represent the different paths to enlightenment. I just like them better than white ones.

I dont know why exactly but I started thinking about when I first started practicing meditation. I used to believe that happiness was the opposite of sadness. In other words, it was an emotional state. If you went to the mailbox and got a letter that you won the lottery, you’d have a happy emotional state. If you got home and learned your dog got run over, you’d have a bad emotional state. And a “happy” person was someone who had more happy emotional states than sad ones. So I used to try to organize my life and environment to give me more happy states than sad ones. I would think thoughts like, “if I leave work at these times, the traffic will be light and the drive pleasant. But I leave at these other times, the traffic will be heavy and the drive unpleasant. I should make sure I get the pleasant one.” And then I would organize my work so as to leave at the “pleasant drive” time. Multiply that by a billion and that’s what my life was like. Always trying to arrange things to put me in the happy state and not the unhappy one.

It was fucking exhausting. And it didn’t work. But I just refused to believe it didn’t work. I couldn’t see any other way. What other way could there be? So if it didn’t work, I assumed that I just needed to try harder. At some point however when everything fell apart I remember thinking, “I am just SICK of this shit!” And shortly after that figuring out that happiness literally does not work that way. If that’s your understanding of “happy” then it requires an equal amount of “sad” to work. It’s just science. Trying to get happy that way is just literally impossible.

I had started meditating for other reasons, but at some point, all the reasons came together. And I realized that happy didn’t depend on my emotional states and couldn’t be affected by anyone or anything but me. And then, only if I incorrectly believed that there was something I needed to protect from bad emotions. And operated in fear of it. But, it turns out, there really isn’t. So there’s no problem.

Anyway, meditating has done a lot more for me than just that. Much more. But that’s what I happened to be thinking about today. How crazy I used to be. How I was so certain of things. And how all that bullshit floating around in my mind made it impossible to just be still and really know what it is like to be happy.

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LOL sweetie!!

#ilovesuperheroshirts #superman #christmas #holidays #memes

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The best decision

My husband and I agree that since entering polyamory our one on one relationship has grown for the better dramatically.

It’s like we took the fast track to expert level marriage since my metamour joined our family. (Although, ask me again in twenty years and I’m sure I’ll look back and say it gets better yet)

Let me be clear… We learned so much because we messed up so much. But I would say that a few months in, there was a particular shift between us.

I’m not sure it was conscious at first, though it certainly is now.

We decided to cherish our time together.

… And this opened a floodgate to positive and uplifting behavior. We looked each other in the eye. We found new words to tell each other how we loved each other. We listened. We opened our minds and hearts to the magic of our souls.

We look for all the ways we can make each other’s life better, and we are each grateful for every little kindness.

I have heard him tell me how I’m beautiful more times in the past two years than he mentioned over the previous 15 years. Likewise for me to him.

And I feel like I’m in high school again. Utterly twitterpated.

Because we decided to make our time count. Every moment.

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Kale Gōsen

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

I should clarify right up front that I have never actually identified as poly. In 2003 I started exploring non-monogamy, went back and forth between that and monogamy, and about four years ago decided non-monogamy was going to be my path. Two years ago I discovered relationship anarchy, and so many things clicked for me.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

It depends. I have all kinds of different relationships that I value. How I value them doesn’t depend on whether or not we are engaging in sex, which is a big part of relationship anarchy. I don’t use words like partner, and there are no hierarchies. I have close friends that are strictly platonic, I have ones I make out with and snuggle, I have fun and exuberant loves and I have quiet ones but with deep and meaningful interactions. All these relationships are not equally important to me, but they all have the potential to grow and change. Who I choose to spend my time with can ebb and flow.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Relationship anarchy has really taught me to question and deconstruct why we do things. What are the unspoken rules that we tend to follow, how can we evaluate them and get rid of the ones that don’t work for us. Take for example anniversaries. The rules people tend to follow around them involve having a certain date where do you something special for each other to celebrate the amount of time you’ve spent together. There is a person who has been in my life for three and a half years, and we started questioning anniversaries. Why is time the biggest measure of success in a relationship? Why are people automatically expected to buy gifts on those dates? In the end, we decided to spend time together on our anniversary, but it was because it was something we both wanted, not because it was the default thing to do.

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

The flip side of deconstructing everything is you have no path to follow. It’s both the best and hardest thing about relationship anarchy. I get freedom and autonomy, but it can also be hard to find role models. If you just do things the default way, the whole world tells you how to act. If you veer off that path, it can be scary and overwhelming.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

Generally the benefits outweigh the struggles. I have amazing people in my life who can communicate at master levels, which is an important skill to have when forging your own path. Communication, a lot of reflection, and of course some self doubt in there. But every time I question if I’m doing the right thing, I always land on yes.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

I am fluid bonded with one person and we use barriers with other people when we are having sex. Also regular check ups and check ins, lots of talking and making sure everyone is on the same page.

7. What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

I think I was so unsure of what I wanted when I first really dove in to non monogamy, I got myself in some situations that I would never get into now. My first love was with someone who had a lot of rules and boundaries, their primary partner was allowed to dictate the terms of when and how much time we spent together. It was brutally hard, I wouldn’t put myself in that position again. That being said, we worked through those things and are still together and both relationship anarchists now, so all that struggle was worth it in the end.

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?)

I have a YouTube channel about relationship anarchy http://www.youtube.com/c/RelationshipAnarchy

I run a website filled with resources on RA http://www.relationship-anarchy.com/

We have an international Facebook group www.facebook.com/groups/RelationshipAnarchy/

And we are working on putting on a conference on sexuality, relationships and activism next Spring in Vancouver BC, the website for that is here: www.convergecon.ca

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Tfw the husband takes a massive dump right before we get ready for bedtime. Dude! Come on! There's 3 other bathrooms in the house but you had to bomb out the one where I wanna shower? Now it's like a Louisiana swamp on a 95-degree day. Humid and smells like rotting gator corpses.