blindlybabbling

[blindlybabbling]

Random moments of mourning

I don’t know why they appear. I don’t know how it happens.

I just..

Take a step

And remember someone important is dead

And then it feels like my energy is falling. Into some pit or black hole, I don’t know. But just.. eternal falling.

Part of me’s always been worried that’s what death is. Falling forever.

[blindlybabbling]

Of all his women my hairs the longest lol

[blindlybabbling]

still only 92 lbs after thanksgiving

Thank fuckkkkk

I’d be pissed if I’d gained any more than that

Still probably not gonna eat today and tomorrow to make up for it

[blindlybabbling]

Once I get all my stuff boxed up

[blindlybabbling]

I’ll never tell you about all the times I stopped myself.

I won’t burden you with that.

I won’t burden you with how close I’ve been.

But soon I likely won’t burden you with me, either.

[blindlybabbling]

So apparently

According to him, people don’t like Vott they just like me and only include him to get to me

And then turns out for me that everyone’s only around for the possibility of sex

So I guess I just shouldn’t fucking socialize.

I just wish someone could care about me without it being about sex

And fuck I just wish Vott would try as hard as I did to keep this relationship going well

[blindlybabbling]

Fuck everythiiiiiiiing today I don’t wanna go see family

I don’t think I’ve been skinny there yet and they might all comment on it

[blindlybabbling]

I hate when people ask when I’m okay

And the only real answer is I mean no I’m suicidal as hell but whatever

[blindlybabbling]

I wanna love with a couple other young, hot, childless women while the words still apply

[blindlybabbling]

🌑🌓🌖σddlч ѕpєcífíc αѕkѕ🌒🌗🌕

1: What’s something you think about a lot?

2: What do you think about at night?

3: Describe yourself as if you were a character in a novel

4: Name one place you want to go and why

5: Name one place you would never want to go to

6: What was a weird thing you did as a child?

7: Describe a memorable dream you’ve had.

8: What’s something that would make you really happy?

9: Describe your best friend without mentioning body features or personality traits

10: What’s an interesting/unusual thing about the country you live in?

11: What’s the closest thing to real magic to you?

12: If you could listen in on anyone’s mind for a day, who would you listen to?

13: If you could know the absolute truth to one question, what would you ask?

14: What was the most ridiculous lie you believe for a long time?

15: What’s the most useless talent you have?

16: Who do you go out of your way to be nice to?

17: What are you currently worried about?

18: What are you currently excited for?

19: What is something that you’ve never told anyone simply because you never thought to?

20: What makes you feel out of place?

21: Where do you feel most like yourself?

22: How would you describe your aesthetic?

23: Do you love hugs or dislike them?

24: If you could learn any 3 skills what would they be?

25: What word do you always misspell?

26: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever spent money on?

27: What is something you could talk at length about?

28: What do you wish you could change?

29: Do you like to photograph random things that make you feel something?

30: What would you do if there would be no consequence?

31: If your life was a book, what would it be called?

32: What was the biggest realization you had about yourself?

33: What is a question you’ve always wanted to be asked?

34: What’s something from your past that’s influenced who you are today?

35: Show a favourite photo on your camera roll.

36: Do you sing when you’re alone? What do you sing?

37: What trait do you have that makes no sense with your personality?

38: What‘s something you love about people?

39: Describe yourself in 5 emojis

40: What is love to you?

41: Something you’re obsessed with?

42: What are some things you associate with yourself?

43: What is a flaw to most people that you actually love?

44: Name a word in the English language that is really weird to you.

45: Describe a time where you were pleasantly surprised.

46: Where do you go to be alone?

47: What’s one thing that always catches you off guard when you hear it?

48: Do you fall asleep quickly or slowly?

49: Does the future scare you?

50: What’s something you’ll never forget?

[blindlybabbling]

Just poly things

Hanging out at your new boo’s house and getting really baked while cuddling and watching movies,

And then his gorgeous wife and girlfriend come home from their date dolled the fuck up, make a gorgeous interest, kiss the boo, then go strip down to minimal pjs and come back to smoke a bowl before I’m taken home

What a dope night

[blindlybabbling]

I can’t believe that the sacredness of shared meals is not well known??? 

Mealtime is an extremely important cultural and social ritual. There are psychological benefits for cooking for other people, and serving a meal stabilizes the emotions between the provider and the receiver. Cooking with your partner, like accomplishing any task together, strengthens relationships. Eating together strengthens communal bonds and helps with mental health. Sharing the same food with someone else builds trust, cooperation, and a sense of connectivity. It’s a shame how in our fast paced society we don’t value the importance of regularly breaking bread with one another

[blindlybabbling]

Apparently after Lindsey made out with me the other day, he ran upstairs and red in the face told Irene “I just made out with Mo!” She apparently thought it was really cute. And retold this story to me today.

I really hope I can get her interested in me 😂

But I love the amount of compursion she’s getting. I just want more of both of their attention

[blindlybabbling]

I guess I might as well keep journaling here.

So life’s been interesting lately. Lindsey and Irene gave me acid last Friday and then he and I ended up making out? Went home after and had a v bad trip. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hung out with Tish and Jake a little the other day. Well, hung out with Tish a lot but Jake went to bed. Had a great time hanging out with them though. Tish and I got.. real intimate 😍 I wish I had screenshots of what I got to see because fuckkkk she’s so hot. She also asked if I’d be interested in dating, and has asked if we’d go on a double date! Which is cool. I hope things work out with her I want her to be my girlfriend soooo bad. She’s low key one of my dream girls and 😍

Today I went on a coffee date with Chris today. That was interesting as hell. So he’s 40, with a wife and a girlfriend (both relatively younger than him like under 30). He thinks I’m cute and wants to help me get involved in bdsm culture and to some extent wants a role in my life? Definitely at least a mentorship, and likely some sort of bdsm relationship. I’m open to things right now, I’d like a good confident caregiver top who can actually give me commands and rules to follow, and he seems to be open to/wanting that dynamic. But honestly I’m so fine with it. I know I’m at a point where I need someone to tell me what to do, even if I first tell them what to tell me to do. If I can’t obey my brain maybe I can obey someone else’s. The whole culture seems like a great way to adjust to whatever form of functioning is beneficial. Maybe it could even help me get over my shit?

He’s involved in some dungeons and his wife is a rigger and ahhh i don’t know I’m kinda into him? Coffee went great he’s so polite, and he asked consent before we breached topics like kinks and bdsm culture (not even in relation to each other, just about stories he wanted to share) he’s also apparently very anti dick pic (good) and he’s even willing to help vott meet people. He’s definitely got my attention, and being penciled into his planner for the day was kinda hot.

I could totally get with older dudes for the money.

But ugh I wonder if I’m gonna have to call him daddy 😒 that’s so.. ehhh. I just can’t handle the word with a partner that wants to kiss me 😂 maybe I’ll find a way around it.

Idk how into ageplay I am though. Like yeah I’m probably a little childish, especially with vott, but idk if I would take it to ddlg, it just seems that little bit past what I’m into? I don’t really feel like i age regress past like, tween years. Yeah coloring and cartoons are still cool, but a lot of the stuff most littles do feels too childish for me.

Had a convo with Lindsey about vott and Irene and the Lindsey-me ship. Good news is, Irene ships us, but I’m not sure how much and it might only be sexually. I really wanna kiss him again. And I’d like to be able to date him but whatever I guess.

I’m going out with them tomorrow to a wine bar’s celebration so hopefully I’ll end up wine drunk and back in his arms lmao

I hope I see Tish again soon and I hope Chris helps me turn my life around haha

Ahhhh fuck it. Good night lol

[blindlybabbling]

So my dad, who smokes weed so he can chill tf out (and keep his medical issues in check), got in legal trouble over weed and had to quit. Now that he’s quit he’s starting to notice negative side affects, like he’s having prostate problems again (that’s where his cancer was) and he’s worried that it’s gonna come back.

He’s gonna get back on the meds but they don’t treat him very well.

I must admit I’m a little worried about things. He has to go a year off. What if he gets worse?

[blindlybabbling]

Lindsey and Irene apparently have a rule where “they’re” (he’s) not allowed to date someone in the first 6 months of them being involved.

Aka he’s allowed to do 6 month trial periods where he gets whatever he wants from the situation but allows himself to feel like he doesn’t owe a specific behavior style back.

Honestly I’d be totally fine with never dating him. I’d also be fine with being fuck buddies. But I’m not gonna be friends with benefits for 6 months before he decides if he’s gonna bother caring about me.

Shit even in casual sex there’s some level of equal respect.

As it stands now, i /won’t/ date him, and I find his behavior last night really inappropriate. I had a good time but I don’t want to be involved in that big of a mess for someone who doesn’t care

[blindlybabbling]

Irene mentioned compursion when talking to Lindsey about me. Which is interesting. Apparently he said something to her about me and it was really cute and made her feel compursion. I love it.

Dude more than I want to be a partner to Lindsey, I want to be a good meta to Irene.

If that’s the reaction she had tho maybe he like genuinely likes me. Which would be sooo weird. Idk what could possibly have been said but I definitely didn’t ask. I figure people’s intent is usually just sexual. At the most fwb. But idk, dating Lindsey while being good platonic friends with Irene sounds like an interesting plot line. She seems the type to make out with girls but not take it further. Which is fine lol.

Lindsey wanting a romantic relationship would be a shock though. But that’s fine I’m so down with casual fwb.