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I almost started throwing shit today and telling everyone what I really think

We talked about a calm and peaceful Christmas. But a month ago my Aunt ended up in the hospital. Several states away. She's been sick for no less than 2 years and has refused to go to the Dr. She had been taking massive amounts of Imodium. It was no longer working. She couldn't stand up without it not working. She and my Uncle left for their winter local anyway. Their WI ter local where no one is. No family or friends to help if they are in trouble. We'll it all hit the fan and surprise, she has cancer and is not able to travel home. I will spare the details but my Aunt and Uncle are in the running for a Darwin award.

All this is hitting my Mom hard because she has NO control. She HAS to have control. She calls it she can't ' help' but really she can't be there yelling at everyone and making a scene because her health won't allow it. But she talks to her brother nightly, and he apparently can't be bothered to get a notebook to write down the Dr names or what meds they want to prescribe his wife. Nope not heartless I am pissed at the stupidity. He literally said oh its another thing for me to carry.

Dude, if you want my sympathy because you love your wife so much, and now someone told you she is dying because apparently you were too stupid to notice before now, try not to tell me that carrying a fucking notebook to take notes about her care is too much for you!

He actually expects his sister, my mother, to take and maintain the information for him. My mother is not a well woman.

I know she wants to support him but fuck HE WANTS HER TO JUST DEAL WITH IT FOR HIM. HE COULDNT HELP HIS OWN MOTHER AND LEFT IT ALL ON MY MOTHER WTF

This brings us to Christmas. About 3 weeks ago my Mom decided our quiet 3 person Christmas was now a party.

She wants to have her niece over to give her something happy while her mother I so ill.

Saint, right?

Queue 3 weeks of how hard life is trying to get ready for party

3 weeks if what I have to do for party

3 weeks of my husband bitching that my cousin will bring her boy friend he hates to Christmas. Which includes 3 weeks of I'm not going

All while I must work to pay all our bills which include about $700 of beer a month and another couple hundred of cash back from grocery shopping to be used on scratch off lotteries

Did I mention I work in the 7th circle of Hell?

So we had the party. I got yelled at randomly for the sin of asking a question while my Mom was walking. Not a "wait I need to finish waht I was doing" A basic how can you be so fucking stupid as to ask me where something is in my house while I am walking through the kitchen. I got yelled at because I could not produce shredded cheddar cheese from one of the fridge bins. It wasnt there. I started to look in the other and got screamed at because I was looking in the wrong bin why wasnt I listening? She just sat down!!! Cheese was in the bin I was looking in. I got attitude for that. I did not move the cheese BTW.

There was some other drama that resulted in me being told that this is why one should always start early in case things go wrong (apparently I started something late). Don't remember what as I think I've begun to dissociate

People loved the party. I didn't put stuff away quick enough which I was passive aggressively told in front of some of the guests.

Also - this is the coldest Christmas in 30 years means. All the presents had to be distributed prior to Xmas because we may get snow ( we didnt) but basically, xmas morning was nothing. Just I got up late, and I didn't tell Mom that there is meat in Lasagne. So she had no meat. We talked. She got confused or forgot or whatever. She isn't having dangerous forgetfulness, just run of the mill she doesn't pay attention which is one of her lovable traits. Thank goodness the grocery store was open because the husband started bitching that I can't make lasagne with no meat. Vegetarians beg to differ Dear, but sure I will get dressed and run to the store in Xmas day.

Then I clearly didn't start dinner early enough. And my husband proceeds to tell I was using the wrong amount of sauce. Also my list of sins included:

Wanting to cook 2 boxes of pasta instead of one. Not getting a pot with a lid out for meatballs (we had meatballs, but I couldn't leave the meat out of the lasagne). He kept up a running commentary in the gas stove top as well.

I also had to help Mom operate Netflix because in 3 years, she still doesn't get it dispite multiple lessons and load pictures to Facebook, also 3 years and multiple lessons while making lasagne.

Cool cool - but I almost lost it

Everyone liked dinner. I did dishes.

And now the cable company is raising prices and I must read letter to figure it out. I 'made' her change cable plans. No no, my Dad died and I said she needed faster internet so if she needed me I could also work remotely at her house. I said I would pay. She won't take money. Cable compa y said - oh if you make changes you have to change everything (i.e. GOTCHA !! Pay us more that plan doesn't exist anymore and you can't just change your internet)

But yeah so now she has a plan price and the price increases are a la carte and not all components of her plan are in the a la carte list. So it's sorta impossible to see what the increase will be. It was determined that I HAD to read this tonight

Fuck I'm tired. And I don't know the answers but I really think a good scream is in order. Except that will wake everyone up and I don't have the energy to explain.

Merry Christmas

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I just think. And think. And think. Think.think.think.think

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The edge of insanity

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Starting to fear work. The people in power look for reasons to make issues the fault of anyone or anything except the real problems.

I know this except the idea of having to sit there and be talked down to is just so frustrating. Nothing I say matters. There is always something wrong with it. Never before in my career was I treated like I was a poor communicator. Now nothing is right. Nothing is enough.

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Why can't a person say they hate themselves and try to make some self depreciating humor about it without social media thinking you need an intervention.

Oh yeah, because way too many people probably do need an intervention.

Mental Health Care is Health Care

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I can't talk to anyone

Everyone has problems and most are worse than mine

But I think im close to end

I don't have energy to type it all

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I am so down today I don't even want to go to my painting class

I don't know if I am going to make it out of this.

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Person 1 "He sure is a good looking kid for a black boy"

Person 2 "That's an oxymoron"

Me "I really can't deal with you fucking racists people"

Now no one is speaking to me.

They will be sure to lean on me for physical, emotional and monetary support though.

I am sure they think that they accommodate my "Hippie" ideals regularly. They have no idea how much I accommodate their bullshit when it comes to pure hatred.

How do I go on?

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Panic attack yesterday.

I hyperventilate and cry. Lots of times I can stop on my own so I guess that makes my issues minor and not worth mentioning. But it really doesn't feel minor. My chest hurts and I just feel, well, terrified.

I have always been anxious. But as I age I am worse.

I think it's me. But I also think it's the predatory nature of employers and even other people.

Everyone tries to work you so they get what they want out of you. Everyone.

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I am profoundly lonely

I am fairly certain I am kept around because I make the money

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Slob

There was a Freudian slip in my life. They said 'you slob' I had just washed my hands and they were still wet but they were looking for me to hand them something. So I did and 'you slob'

Huh.

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I am really fucking afraid to face tomorrow

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Already planning on a Xanax tomorrow. That's bad right? But I mean I have to get through it and I can't cry. I just have to survive.

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I am just numb. I know what I have to do but not how.

My brain keeps telling me I'm old and I won't be able to find a new job. That my skills are worthless.

But yet they can't be. If they were why would employers keep me? For years? Not to be nice. If they wanted to be nice they would not abuse me daily. My brain knows this but still lies to itself

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I didn't off myself. But I have cried so much. I feel SO MUCH anxiety. I had to take Xanax a couple of days in the last two weeks. Because the highest dose of effexor available to man doesn't always cut it.

I am so fucking defective, LOL.

I have to hide that and keep going. A minimum of two humans count on me in the very real sense to be their support system. Emotional and financial. The bills that have to be paid. The clients who need to be taken care of.. And mostly, there is a dog who needs me.

So I just keep venting here to the ether world.

I guess it helps some

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I am not able to process all the information/demands thrown at me in a day. Truly it feels like they are thrown.

The dissonance is real

Or is it?

Is it me? Do others REALLYBwork 15 hour days and keep a clean house and cook and look like polished models of perfection?