blarghsandblurbs

[blarghsandblurbs]

Thank you for rejecting me

Thank you for teaching me i dont have to beg

And that how much i beg didnt matter

Thank you for rejecting me

For making me see love isnt earned or won or conquered

And even if i could, it isnt worth it anyway

Thank you for rejecting me

For teaching me walking on eggshells is no way to live

Exhausting, trite and nerve wracking

Thank you for rejecting me

For showing me no matter how hard I try I'm destind to fail

Speficially with you

And its better I failed

Than live up to what you wanted me to

Thank you for rejecting me

Otherwise i wouldnt have found my worth and identity outside of you

Outside of pleasing you

[blarghsandblurbs]

Wretched

Little whispers

Drown my serenades with sorrows

Wipe my aria clean

Let me catch my breath again

Wicked little thing

You sin again

Lament my torment so sweet

A rapturous murmur against my skin

Hum it to life again

It vibrates beneath my skin

Flesh, in depth

Writhe beneath my passion

Forbearance

What sonnets of past

Could convey the color you brought

In a world of monochrome and ash

A mausoleum of madness

A monument of before

Of before and before and before

Past lives rolling into one

With one question on my lips of millnea past;

"What have I done?"

And as the melody skims over me

Contemplative, beckoning

I sink beneath

The words unsaid

Lose my voice

Again and again

The screams arise, I cry

And sink beneath my sins

Like a tidal wive I dive

Into a whirlpool

And yet i hear you calling

Somewhere above the surface of my memory

Beyond space and time

Beyond matter and mass

Maybe an existence past, or future

But as I sink into the depth of aloneness

And to be alone

To not allow those too close to see

The vulnerability

And yet i live

Live

And life

Why?

[blarghsandblurbs]

Scratching at my eyes

Staple my mouth shut

Thick skinned

I sin again

Tongue glued

To the roof of my mouth

Thickened

Saliva

I cant swallow these words again

Fake smile

Choked laugh

Toxic positivity

I slip into a mask again

Like old clothes

Once worn

Cut my soles

On paper shreds

Folded up

Written in the names of my kin

Brethren

Maidens

How often you lost your innocence

Before we even knew

Our first moon

Wicked hands cast deeper shadows

In our minds, fragmented torment

The madness sucks us in

And vomit out

That which we cannot abide in

Harken

Stella, stella

A for Adultress

Scarlet letters

Backwards, are endless

Helen of Troy wasn't a beauty

She was a victim

Worthless

To the eddies of war

City walls fall

In the name of the crime

Of being attractive

[blarghsandblurbs]

Crumbling

Crumpled, paperlike heart

Slightest infraction, you fold

Like a machete doll

Matryoska

Every step just before

Flying

I fall

Matryoska smile

Unwrap layers

Layered caked

One level of nuisance

Pride and indignation

One level of whimsy

Dreaming all was meant to be

One level of depression

Suicidal like intention

The last layer anger

Betrayal and wonder

Jealousy you made the decision to go before me

Failure not an option

How do i pull myself out of a perfect trap

I became a lockpickibg master

For the own mental torture i inflict

I make disassociation like an art

Apart, inside I'm torn

Its not an honest place to start

A mask can't last

But hypothetical situations play inside my mind

I csnt justify one reaction or the next

Playing human like I'm supposed to pick

If emotions are adrenaline and dopamine

Serotonin and epinephrine

What do you actually mean to me

And if changing my mind is as simple as sleeping it off

And getting some sunshine

Why the hell do i abide

By any fucking thing anyway

And everything is temporary

So it loses meaning

But if its stagnant i want it to change anway

So why am i so fucking unsatisfied anyway

Whats my fucking problem

And what the fuck do i want

Some type of meaning, purpose, forgiveness

I cant find it where i look

And my gifts feel of no use

A carefully crafted person turned to dust

When you dont know what to do with what youve built

I quit

I just want peace and serenity

But my mind won't leave me

In solace

Quietness

I fight this and fight this

But then I'm crying inside

And its horseshit

[blarghsandblurbs]

The day you died

Is the day i left my broken life behind

And i dont know why i cried

Its been 20 years since I've been by your side

I believe its mostly symbolic

The death of childhood innocence and the start of nightmares began when I met you lot

And the biggest regrets i have

Are courtesy of you scum

You tore apart my innocence

And made me a victim

And a perpetrator

And all i could tell my son was

You've been sad a long time

You literally took your life

On the day that marked me stepping back into the world by myself

And by myself

Is how I've always found myself

And i could have been you

And i could have been him too

It could have been me in that casket

And my son proclaimed

You died

Because your wife would leave you

Take the kids

And never look behind

You made your life

Like i made mine

Like she made hers

And when i think of

The damage i would have caused my son

For the same reason

Of losing him

Instead i chose to fight

And be better

And maybe we were cowards

And maybe we were selfish

But i couldnt bring myself to

Here i am

And there you are

Wake up

Youre mad

I can see you

I wont let you take it out on us

Move on

Be better for them

A history of this family

Is nothing but scars left on the children

And its so disgusting

How no one learns

Generation after generation

Of the same mistakes

Its taken

Thousands of tiny tragedies

How many people must die

For the sake of the lesson

For those we leave behind

When the ice melts

And the sun rises

The biggest lesson i learned

Is the day never dies

Tomorrows and tomorrows and tomorrows come

And its pointless but its not

Ripples in time

Down the line

Forsaken those

Who are left in life

[blarghsandblurbs]

What do you see

As i stare right back

Reflected in my eyes

As shadows wrap around

Like the blackest night

The deepest ocean

Can't begin to surface

The depths of devotion

More like

Ob.session

Life's greatest lesson

Is the ones we repeat

Turn tables turning

Scratch a record

Broken, skipping on the grooves of the beat

Of the drum, walking in step

About face and step away

From the marching steep

Steeple, i dreamed of you again

An old baba yoga

And a depraved man full of sin

My crone self knows

What the maiden cries out for

Dont abandon me again

So why try to let them in

You say i always say

The right things

I always know

Know

Except for

How to make a simple friend

Let me share shards of my heart again

When it was so broken

I couldnt care but to force myself to care

And the minute i can

I rip such a fragile thing apart again

I cant help but to care and care

My loyalties are like being tied to the tyrant

The saddest thing i ever begged for

Was simple kindness

You showed up like a thief in the night

I can still hear you call my name in dreamstate

And as i masturbate

I pretend you want me the same way

I can hear my sobs echoing like a child

As i jumped into your arms

It was like a picture.show

Unreal

My life a novella

Of monsters and demons and angels and saints

Murders, rapists and demigods

You wouldnt believe in the ghost stories i told

Unless i spoke of them like legends

Walking the in-between like a shakespearian tragedy

Only I'm a woman who finally broke

Cracked egg like humpty dumpty

But in real life you have to put it back together again

With duct tape and dark humor

And smiling like that was the end for me

The sun never stops the course skyward

Horizon bound

And you breathed into me

There was color in monochrome

And how far does that carry me

I'm alive because of you

I would have died of it wasn't for you

And I'm living

What f.or

May.be there was more

There's mo.re

Ships in the night

But the blight of scurvy

In silence we're dying

Cause the pain in my head is loud and blinding

"WHY"

「なぜここ寝？」

I cannot find an answer

Except you werent scared of me

It's you who saw me

Only you

And what does it mean?

「なぜここいるの？」

「。。。！」

Why are you here?

I have begged the heavens

To please free me

If i belong elsewhere

But thats not the story that unfolds

Remove me from your sight

Struck blind

Hollowed aloneness in purgatory might be better than being blind

Henceforth to myself i cannot lie

My biggest dream is sleep

But bed is such a hollow existence

And i dream of truly standing at a peak

Lazy days on a river

Timeless ponderings

The laughter of others is sometimes empty

And i smile a mask of nothing

"I'm tired" was the mantra of my life

And I'd rather see river dolphins

And bioluminescenct currents

A shallow river of a million stars

An otter running across the street

A gator thrown into the water

And blessed

Silent

Peace

[blarghsandblurbs]

"Rejection is gods protection"

Like a glass shard in the nailbed

Irritate it and wiggle it until it splinters

Irritating, so irritating

Everything i lose on repeat

Bonds and attachments cease to mean anything

Burn it, burn it down

All to the ground

Every animal, child, and person

Its not about leaving in the end

Its that i cant deserve it

Because

Because i just

Keep

Doing this

Rebuild again

And again

How many times square one

Presents

And I'm treading water

Muddy shallow bog ankle deep

Trudging but stuck

And sunk down further

The sex

Its all i can manage

I can't care to try again

I'm sick of men

I'm sick of women

I'm sick of being the best

And still stumbling

Arguements mean nothing

I can rage just to feel something

Anything

I can't feel anything beneath my skin

Maybe muscle memory understands what lies deep within

And i can feel it

Only surface level

Shallow begruding anger

And beneath that is a lack of catharsis

If everything in life boils down to

"It is what it is"

What did it matter

[blarghsandblurbs]

What am I supposed to say to a love with no future? I cant have you beholden to me, indebted, with the knowledge of how you hold my heart and encourage its attachment. You bestow a lure and I govbke it up like a lifeline, only to be the fish on the hook.

I am powerless to it, but grant it power over me. I turn to iron, refusing to let it break me. I cry, feeling it reinforce I cannot rely on or believe someone will prioritize me. It is only the same story on repeat and I know you have nothing to offer me.

Through the hurt I gain knowledge of my need for independence, I hope to run into a future of only me. Maybe I should flee across a sea, or a country, and be only present when by my behest you call to me by spirit and by name.

I've looked away, towards others, but they cannot give what you've given. Purpose, peace, solidarity, companionship, compassion, protection and beauty.

I know you'll find it in you to come to me, as always. We will do anything dor each.other, even if we resist it. What is wrong with us? Maybe nothing is wrong and the only thing wrong is we resist the allure.

I don't know. I know quiet promises given in the dead of night you forget, always forget, because your mind is too melted from the dtugs and the years spent wasted. The trauma and the fear, and we sit here staring each other level in the eye as we both refuse to give up or give in.

What a strange pair. What a strange experience, which can only be defined as beautifully queer.

I await your response. Your guilt and obligation may make you cave and my pride may get in the way.

What are we doing here?

[blarghsandblurbs]

How many years did i spend wasting away on thinking i had no future? How long will the fear of rejection control my relationships? Do i feel is better to be alone than this?

The weight of devastation no longer defines me but i feel this sense of urgency enduring i don't act "positively".

And I've been tired for ten years, 20 years, all my life. I don't know how to live delicately, moderately.

I'm feral, and wild, and i believe free except for my very own self expectations that trap me and cycle me into burnout and insipid debilitating fatigue

[blarghsandblurbs]

A letter from your mama:

I never wanted to abandon you. I never wanted to leave. I messed up though and I’m sorry. I should have never had you be raised by your dad, for you to miss out on all those times you had a milestone. Or didn’t get the psychological help you needed. The memory of you crying and screaming and clinging to me is burned into my mind, a decade later. You dad drunk driving, screaming, waking you up at night. What horrors did you endure? I’m sorry I was so broken mentally. You swear he never hurt you like that. Will I ever know? Will you ever tell me? Can I succeed just for the chance of you “escaping”? You said you don’t want to leave. Can you, on a soul level, forgive me? I’m sorry for all the times you cried and I wasn’t able to understand. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I needed a man to validate me, from my own trauma. I’m sorry I chose shitty people. I’m glad I was never an addict or alcoholic but I’m sorry you endured my suffering and suffered with me. I’m sorry I let you down.

I’m trying. I’m doing.

When I succeed, finally, I want you to know you can come with me. Maybe you’ll never know. Can we laugh peacefully? Can you leave that trauma behind? Maybe when you’re eighteen I can convince you to be with me.

I don’t know. But I’m doing my best to make sure you know I’m here quietly. I’ll figure it out with you. One day, we can hug and maybe this pain between us won’t exist. I’m hoping and praying.

You’re my only son.

I love you brother.

I’m sorry

[blarghsandblurbs]

Loneliness is sometimes

The hardest and darkest thing

The number one silent killer

A destroyer of all things

Desperately grasping at straws

The pain we receive

Chasing after the destruction so sweet

Blowing up our lives and families

Hurting ourselves and our children,

Our mothers and fathers and siblings

Our lovers

Believing no one is near us

Drowning in the darkest abyss

Feeling lonely and isolated

Unable to appease the gnawing emptiness

We grab at a light

Drowning

We sink beneath

[blarghsandblurbs]

I could ask why

But I know why

I wonder if you’ll turn around and wonder where I went

If I’m lucky probably not

And it’ll be good for you

I have no reason any longer to turn to you

You don’t know

Because I didn’t tell you

How you ripped my heart out and didn’t even know

I think grieving what was good

Hurts just as much as what was not

And even what was good

Had rot

I met you at the bottom

And swam to the top

And maybe you’ll be my best friend

And I will forgive you

But you hid away

Every piece of you

And somewhere

We became unsafe

Behind laughter and smiles

Every crack in my armor

And every sweet gesture

I didn’t know kindness could become knives

Enough to keep my holding on

But not enough to feed me

But not enough to kill me

But enough to keep me waiting for the next meal

Like an obedient puppy

I’m ready to break out

And be free of this cycle

I love you

But I love what I could have more

Time to cut the cord

And let loose

I hope you find happiness

Since it’s not with me

I hope you find it with yourself

Within you

[blarghsandblurbs]

I trusted

I trusted the process

I trusted to be able to heal

A promise was made

It was t the fix

It was the support

But you took my vulnerability

And traumatized me

And made me explain every damn thing I was doing

Prove myself and prove myself

I’ve had enough

What the ever loving fuck

I don’t have to allow myself to be terrorized into compliance

What the hell is wrong with this

[blarghsandblurbs]

I walked around the house

For days

Weeks

Months

Years

Figuring it out

Countless hours spent staring at a wall

Wondering how I got here

[blarghsandblurbs]

When I realized

The words “I love you, I understand “

Was the most powerful healing tool

And it makes sense

And I get it

Instead of being abused and confused

What was confusing was the compassion

The regulation and the security

I could weep at the simplicity

And the pain of life

The senseless violence

And wanting to die because

I couldn’t fathom seeing the other side

When I begged for so long

Just for kindness the way I gave and received it

Believing everyone deserved a chance

They should earn it

With an open heart

But do they deserve it

And maybe these are just wounds talking

But I’m sick of it

Accepting people unconditionally

I can

But stay the hell away from me with your negativity

I won’t let you in

See I’m all about growth and inspiration

And just the thought

I would die

For your lies and sins

Breaks me just a little bit

[blarghsandblurbs]

I didn’t know

I could be so crushed

Losing something good

Like a world caving in

Panic

Can’t breathe

Scrambling inside to scream but can’t speak

Realizing healing is so much harder than I think

And quietly succumb to this

Hold my center

Grieve

Hurt

Process

The pressure building up

Like life had ended

Not over yet

Not done yet

Don’t self destruct

Don’t implode quite yet

Stand still

Be still

For once don’t react

That cycle is so fucking hard

Don’t burn out

Don’t run

Just process

Cry and grieve

Rejection is gods protection

It’s okay

I love you

It’s okay

Little child inside

It’s okay

Gentle

Other people love you

You got this

[blarghsandblurbs]

Thank you

Thank you for loving me the best you can

Thank you for supporting me truly

And seeing my flaws and weakness and not flinching

Thank you for this weird version of unconditional love that caused us both to go fleeing

Thank you for giving me your best and doing your best and letting go of your selfishness to make me happy when you knew you were being selfish

For putting me first when you denied it or tried to hide it and for making it worth it

Thank you for being honest when it made you stutter or hurt me

For feeling safe enough to speak to me

For being avoidant but not actively avoiding me

For loving me and holding me and squeezing me so tight

Your inscribed your love into my being

For holding space for my growth and recognizing we both need to work on it

But not letting me go

I didn’t want you to loosen your grip anyway

I think deep inside I chose this

I know it

And time finally moved forward for me

It slipped a beat

And maybe one minute past is a minute

With so much more meaning

I’m not scared of moving forward

And I’m not scared of letting go

I’m scared of what we didn’t get to experience

And how much more there was to know

Regret of not knowing is a funny thing

I know i can stand on my own and be strong

But I didn’t know how much in this life you supported me

I love you so deeply

So much more than you know

I want to support you in moving forward too

So

Its only fair

I

Let

You

Go