blackcoffeeprince

[blackcoffeeprince]

5/16/2023

It is 2 weeks before my 30th birthday and I AM GOING TO END MY 20′S WITH A HARMONIOUS BANG. LET’S GOOOOOO.

[blackcoffeeprince]

5/1/2021

I am free to live without weight of the world, for the weight of the universe is feather-like.

[blackcoffeeprince]

to lovely humans who were excluded from invitations, left behind when they tied their shoes, forced to walk in the grass when the sidewalk was full, spoken over when you tried to contribute, whispered about or laughed at, given the side eye when you tried to fit in... you are so worthy of love and I’m sorry people have convinced you otherwise. I promise that your people are out there - people who will see the side of you others ignore, people who share weird inside jokes with you, give you affectionate nicknames and go to museums or roadtrips with you and fulfil whatever idea of friendship you’ve always fantasized about. even if you feel like an empty shell of your former self because you’ve hidden yourself away due to shame, this exterior will melt when you accept yourself or let people in and you’ll realize there was nothing wrong with you all along. you have interesting things to say, you deserve new chances and beginnings, your heart is probably made of gold because you know what it’s like to be left out in the cold, and you have so much to give. you are so worthy and someone’s idea of a friend too, and I hope you receive lots of hugs in the future from yourself and others because you’re so lovable.

[blackcoffeeprince]

Clarice Lispector, tr. by Johnny Lorenz, Um Sopro de Vida

[blackcoffeeprince]

4/4/2021

I’m asking this darkness to walk away from me. Walk away. Please.

[blackcoffeeprince]

2/27/2021

Positive affirmations.

I have a girlfriend who I can tell most of my problems to.

I have a girlfriend where we can have cute animal crossing dates.

I have a girlfriend where we can have a cute google doc where we can write love letters and concerns to one another.

I have a girlfriend who I can watch anime with.

I have a girlfriend who I can watch movies with.

[blackcoffeeprince]

2/27/2021

I hate that I am angry at Kevin as much as I am angry as Richie but how can I not? They were both in a decade entanglement with the girl that I was into and they are toxic fucks. But honestly I’m in the same boat because here I am perpuating it. I’m toxic in my current relationship because I keep comparing the past to her and it’s not fair. It’s so fresh in my mind. They start to overlap. Anh never gave a fuck about boundaries. She would go with the flow and how I am supposed to feel when I see that Debbie also kind of does that? When does she make decisive actions? She won’t leave her household even though it’s fucking terrible for her. The situation is similar to Anh where she has to take care of her antisocial mildly auistic sister? and Debbie has to take care of her alcoholic addict of a sister. Both of them have SHITTY fucking parents and they both continue to live in that shithole of a house becaues they’ve developed stockholm syndrome for their parents. I’m not even fucking white and as much as family is important, there is a certain level of space that might be needed before any healing can occur for family relations.

Debbie is her own person yet I keep continually comparing her and her family life to my past relationship and it’s fucking unfair and I know it. 

I just fucking want peace. I just want a significant other to just settle with and enjoy life with but alas my life is constantly not that. Yeah everyone has their own problems on their plates but fuck I just wish that it could just be quiet for a second.

[blackcoffeeprince]

2/27/2021

It’s interesting to find a girl who’s into all the nerd and anime shit that you love. She’s also very much a romantic and she’s a writer to boot. At the same time the basis of it all is that it’s a long distance relationship. What this long distance relationships have done to me is expose my insecurity about myself and my self worth. I am jealous, obsessive in some traits and I hold possessiveness. I know all of this and there’s only so much I can do. I can stop certain actions but others are so passive that I do them without even thinking about it. The war in my mind is even louder than it was in 2020. I think about dying more than I should. This passive suicidality is just an easy cop-out. I read somewhere that people often think when they are going through hard times, “I should die,” it’s merely because they are overwhelmed by life. So I won’t end this post with a, I feel like dying as much as I want to say I want to die. But I’m extremely overwhelmed by the entire world and I just want some peace and quiet in my mind.

[blackcoffeeprince]

2/27/2020

You know as much as I’ve dug myself out of the hurt of last year, I still struggle everyday with just being okay with myself. This is what it’s like to be a monster.

[blackcoffeeprince]

2/27/2021

I can blame Anh and Richie and 2020 Tommy for all the pain and trauma that I went through, but these are more likely faults in my universe that have always been there and would follow me through the course of my lifetime. I should be kinder to myself and realize that these are darknesses that have currently been uprooted from my deeper subconscious but at the same time I can’t help but feel some form of utter disgust to see that this is even a part of me.

[blackcoffeeprince]

2/27/2021

What a monster I’ve become from all that has happened. Or is it more that it has shed light on who I’ve always been.

[blackcoffeeprince]

11/6/2020

I'm so scared ._.

[blackcoffeeprince]

I’ll just leave this here.

[blackcoffeeprince]

𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐬𝐭 🎃🍎🌰

[blackcoffeeprince]

“When you’re in love with somebody, everything looks colorful.”

[blackcoffeeprince]

[blackcoffeeprince]