blackcenturyiscoming

[blackcenturyiscoming]

08 January 2023 - 00:30

how to deal with broken heart? song by Niki - Oceans & Engines

[blackcenturyiscoming]

Closure

05 January 2023, 22:26

I think, the time has come.

Enough.

I cant bear anymore pain.

It's been so much hurt that i can't feel myself anymore.

I don't cry, i don't starve, i don't angry, but to be honest rather than i "don't", it is more suitable to said that i "can't"

I can't cry. The tears just won't come out even my heart hurts so fu*king much.

I always ended feeling cheated, feeling left, being thrown away. I am and never be your priority. I can't use he/him pronouns, i can only use he because i couldn't be him. Ever.

I feel that I've been an empty shell of a flesh. A hollow body. Nothing is inside me now. I used to have a heart, i guess. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't know. Maybe the pain has been consuming me to the deepest inch of my body. I can't feel my body. I just walking by intuition. Walking nowhere. I don't know, what should i do?

I've promised myself and i promise you that i will be gone when the time comes. But as for now, i guess this isn't the time yet. There's still time. Yes, the concept of measuring non-stop, consistent change in our surroundings. Yes, consistent change. Till this day i completely abandon the concept of time. I think the day will come after the day, doing the same thing all over again, while find myself enjoying the life of my utopia. My dream. My fantasy. To be with you 24/7. I'll always be there. I promised you that i will never go. There's no such things as change, until the end of December i was shocked to hear that from you. My heart felt beaten and being cut deep into the last bit. It hurts. Learning from previous case, i know that you can't lie well. I could see through you, D. That's why, when i feel something wrong, it will usually occurs and it makes me overthinking and also overheated. My heart's hurts, my head's hurts, my body's aching. I feel like stabbed a million times right in front of me. So much hurt that i rather die than felt that thing.

And yes, i drove all the way from home to Bandung to meet you. I want this thing to be cleared. I want to hear it from you directly. I want to know all things completely. You can't imagine how mixed my feeling was when i drove from Bekasi to Bandung. I prayed to God only that i don't make any mistakes on the road, so that i could arrived safely.

When i met you, i was so happy that i want to hug you tight but judging from your expression, i felt discouraged and refrain myself. After hearing and learning all the explanation from you, my overthinking, my late night thoughts, my intuitions, turns out it was all correct. I am being cheated, by the person i love the most. By the person whom i dedicated my life for. By the person who i thought wouldn't betray me. But that's what it is, i feel betrayed. Yeah, i know at the very first place, i said that i will and have to be ready. But the shittiest thing about this sudden situation is, why the hell it has to be the end of the year? Why it has to be right before Christmas? I want to feel the joy of going back home with my family, and as i promised i will meet you in Bandung. But why? Why won't you be patient just a little bit longer? Why couldn't we cross the 2023 with joy? With happiness? For the both of us? After that, i know that you have to gone, and i have prepared myself to be ready. BUT NOT AS SUDDEN AS THAT!

Then you blocked all my contacts, all my social medias. I don't know what makes you do that. I felt clueless. The only thing i could think is Why? Why the hell? Why the fuck?

We agreed to be friends. But why do you did that? Why did you block me? Why, D? Why?

Last night i couldn't sleep. All i felt is i having a nightmare. But the opposite of a dream, this, is a real life situation. Why did i have to go through this? What did i do wrong, D? Please, tell me.

Then this morning we had a call, and we had an agreement that you would unblock me. I feel relieved and feel more relaxed, so i decided to go home and i drove from Bandung at 10 a.m. Everything went smoothly until this night i checked my phone only to find that I've been blocked. Again. Twice. I've been blocked twice, by the same person whom i called her home. By the person who i loved the most. I felt so fucking confused. What the fuck? We just had an agreement this morning, hadn't we? My heart was pounding erratically. Why did this happen again. WHY. I tried to reach out but you don't answer me. at all. The time i wrote this part, 22.58, i checked my phone, make sure if you replied my message, and as we know that there's nothing. Fuck.

I'm tired. So fucking tired. My heart hurts more than it should be. I think... this is enough. This is the closure. I buried my pride in front of you, D. I gave you everything i could. I don't know what to say anymore. i just. I feel like giving up. I gave you my best. I give up not because i don't love you anymore.

I still, and will always love you, D.

But now, I feel so fucking tired. I did everything alone. I felt like i am the only one who wants this relationship (as friends) will last. You look like you would the opposite. I give up. I give up trying. I give up to make this relationship last. My heart hurts. I felt like there's someone who will appreciate my effort.

There will be a phase where the most patient ones will fed up, the most caring will be indifferent, the most loyal ones will be leaving, if you don't appreciate their patience, care, and loyalty.

That's why, i think this is enough. This is the closure. I have never change, but you're the one who change me.

This is, the end of an era.

___________

january 05th, 23:11

[blackcenturyiscoming]

I guess i’ll go back here. My solitary confinement.

// 03 Jan 2023. 18.44

[blackcenturyiscoming]

day 20: your celebrity crush. 

Adinda - Amanda - Danilla - Sheila

+ honorable mention: Julie :)

[blackcenturyiscoming]

day 19: my first love.

back then in elementary school that i could only see her from a far because at the same time she likes my friend sooooo in our brotherhood codebook said that never fight for just a girl. so, letting go is the best way

[blackcenturyiscoming]

day 18: thirty facts about myself

holy damn thats a lot facts (i’ll mix with Indonesian), but here i go

1. extrovert by default

2. photography

3. musik adalah teman

4. suka repot sendiri

5. kemana2 riweuh bawaanya banyak

6. liburan bawa kamera sama laptop adalah wajib

7. nemu tempat datar dikit langsung tiduran (ga peduli itu lantai abis dipijak2 orang juga)

8. gendut

9. kacamata tapi tidak kacamata

10. kalo badmood suka nyetir to nowhere tapi 15 menit udah pulang

11. anti buru-buru karena keringetan

12. lebih baik menunggu 2 jam daripada telat 2 menit.

13. suka bereksperimen di dapur

14. hot wheels

15. fans berat yu-gi-oh sampe jaman 5ds lewat dari itu fuck off

16. selalu memburu konser pake kartu dewa

17. jaket is a must

18. maniak kopi tapi semoga ku tidak sakit lambung ok ok amin

19. teh juga boleh apalagi chamomile

20. gabisa sarapan di bawah jam 9 sekalinya sarapan pasti perutnya error

21. nasi plus batagor adalah menu andalan di kantin kampus

22. pendiam pada orang baru tapi ribut kalo udah kenal

23. belom kesampean main gta v dari pertama keluar sampe sekarang 2020 berarti 7 tahun karena ga berani minta ps3/ps4

24. suka bikin playlist di spotify

25. pop punk’s not dead

26. Muse -  Green Day - blink-182 adalah penyelamat hidupku

27. suka ambient music sampe post rock

28. hobi bangun siang

29. hobi mengejar traffic rare saat spotting

30. itulah ke 29 fakta saya di atas.

[blackcenturyiscoming]

day 17: ways to win my heart.

accept me for whatever i am. i’m not saying that i’m the best man in this whole world, i have my flaws, i have weakness, i’m not a saint. i;m not saying that you could bow for me but please, help me from my dark side..

[blackcenturyiscoming]

day 16: someone i miss

i miss being loved.

ooooo shit what is that ooooooo shit thats a tears from my eyes noooo

[blackcenturyiscoming]

day 15: if you could run away, where would you go?

Netherlands, obviously.

[blackcenturyiscoming]

day 14: describe your style.

..... t-shirts, jackets, sneakers. i just dont know how to mix & match properly so whatever i saw first in my closet, there you go :(

[blackcenturyiscoming]

cday 13: favourite book.

till this time i wrote this, my fav book is still Jacatra Secret by Rizki Ridyasmara. i dont know why but that book kinda give me goosebumps everytime i re-read it. still hoping the sequel could be true but no news till today hm.

i just fascinated how this nation’s capital contain so much... well mysteries i guess? not gonna say that i would believe it all right away but some truth are very interesting to be discovered.

[blackcenturyiscoming]

day 12: favourite tv series.

i’m not that tv series kind of person...... because i could easily bored if i have to watch a title with “continued” or “serial” type. so..... i guess i have no favourite series?

[blackcenturyiscoming]

Day 11: talk about your siblings

forget about the older one

the younger one, i know how “hard-worker” he is, so when he got the announcement for college, you cant imagine how happy i am. a good person, a learner, younger than me but more mature in some ways. having a same hobby with your siblings is extremely fun, tbh.

[blackcenturyiscoming]

Day 10: your best friend

i have a lot of friends but few “best” one. my best friend(s) know what kind of person i am, what will i do if i deal with a situation, know how to calm me down or cheer me up. what did i do to deserve you guys? i’m sorry if i haven’t been a good friend for you all. i really do.

[blackcenturyiscoming]

Day 9: write about happiness.

happiness is when you find or put yourself in something you really adore. no matter what everyone said because the one who will make you happy is obviously you yourself. music, movies, sports, books, you name it. drown yourself there and i guess thats what happiness is.

oh here’s one thing: dont expect happiness from the others. consider it’s a bonus for being a kind person.

[blackcenturyiscoming]

Day 8: the power of music.

well imho music has an incredible power for everyone. every head have every type of what kind of music they want to listen to. music could be something that accompanying everyone’s journey. whether it is a happy, or bad situation, from falling in love to crushed to the bone, from marrying your favorite human being till left alone to death, i think every single steps we take has it’s own music.

[blackcenturyiscoming]

Day 7: favorite movie.

1. nick & norah’s infinite playlist!

2. sounds cliche cus it comes from marvel franchise but..... doctor strange.

more to come as i will probably edit this one