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The voices are quite loud around this time of year. Practically yelling. I’m not sure how it will all pan out.

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this fucking picture i accidentally took

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L. A. Johnson, from "Birthmark"

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I’m having a really hard time getting comfortable with my new situation. I’m not great at new things. It takes me a bit longer to adjust to unfamiliar territory.

Despite how much I feel saddened by the new criteria, I’m getting an extra 1k a month. It might change my living situation to a more positive one. I can start wearing a “uniform” rather than thinking hard about my outfits every single day (no more popularity contest).

But I am serving the public again. I feel like a commodity rather than an individual. Perhaps I made the wrong decision? Actually, not even “wrong”, but ill informed. Maybe even rash.

However, it was necessary. Still, I am afraid. A lesson of this year is that the grass is not always greener, and sometimes, the grass can be too green.

(to the extent of detriment)

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by arica_aki

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my mood throughout the day

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An addiction to saying things and having it matter to someone. Having it be interesting to someone other than myself. Having it be familiar to someone else in order to reach passionate discussion. Without that. Every conversation feels pointless. Empty. Lonely.

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What self do I identify as

sorry for being my weirdest & realest self instead of trying to be everyone's cup of tea. it will happen again.

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When I was young I let men decorate me

I’m not old yet

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Recently, I’ve been holding my head in my hands.

Wet, occasionally I cause a suction

My organs feel twice removed,

But I am too afraid to check on my insides

My heart is still there though

I feel it. Reaching out

As if that is it’s only function these days

Like a claw machine in the arcade

To clasp onto things, though never hold onto

Anything. Except my brain beating through my palms.

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i stay up late to be happy for a few more hours

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i also woke up in the middle of the night today and i felt the impulse to grab my phone but not even joking i stopped myself by conjuring this image in my brain so i just went back to sleep

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i know it's over and it never really began but in my heart it was so real

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I don’t know what to be if not beautiful