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I threw it back into the ocean #EthicalMemes

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AKA Crying Girl in Coffee Shop

Below I have attached several pictures of a letter I wrote over a year ago to a boy I thought I was madly in love with. A letter that was sent but never given a glance. In this letter, I spoke of a woman I thought I had become at the time. Boy was I wrong. I now realize I was still just a heartbroken girl. I'm giving you a little look into a very painful time of my life, a time that shaped me into the woman I am today. A time that still continues to require prayer for healing. The purpose of this extremely personal post is to tell you that your pain does not define you. You CAN overcome it. You CAN come out stronger. You CAN change. You CAN get through it, no matter how impossible that may seem. By the grace of God, the girl who wrote this letter no longer exisits. A stronger woman stands in her place. A woman who now realizes that her pain is her testimony. A woman who is thankful for this trying time. It doesn't matter what causes you to come to Jesus, as long as you come. This is how he called me. For the rest of my life I will sing of his praises. I will glorify him in everything I do. This is my story... but it's not about me. It's about Him.

I wrote about a love I wanted. A love I sought from another human being. A "fairytale" type of love. I now have that love. His name is Jesus... :)))

and it's getting pretty serious. ;)

(I removed the name of the person from this letter and will continue to protect his identity. The identity of this person is not important. I wish no harm or ill will upon him. This letters intent is not to hurt or cause pain. This letter is about me and my growth with the help of God.)

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Wet Socks

Two posts in one week?! I know, crazy right? Well, this overly emotional girl is bad at expressing her feelings to others so she writes blogs about it instead!

I’m here to talk to you about something uncomfortable. Love. You’re cringing right now aren’t you? Yes, L-O-V-E. 

I love loving people. I’ve been told I love people a little too much. I’m sorry, WhAt? I didn’t know this was possible but hey you learn something new everyday. I also learned I didn’t love people too much, just not in the right way.

Everyone on this planet has a “Love Language,” which is the way you receive love. Don’t know yours? Go take this quiz https://365tests.com/personality-tests/what-is-your-love-language/  Typically, the way you love others is the way that you receive love the best. My love language is personal touch and words of affirmation. I need it to feel loved. Wether it’s a 30 second hug or a “I really enjoy your company.” It’s the ways I feel the most loved. Sometimes my love language seems smothering to those who don’t have the same one. 

My first and only relationship I was always referred to as “smothering.” I loved him in the way I wanted to be loved, not the way he needed to be and vice versa. It took a toll on the way I love people now. The famous, “opposites attract” quote is anything but true. I think it’s very important to find someone (friends and SO) that has the same love language as you. Although it is not impossible to be with others that have different ones, it is alot harder. 

Due to my “smothering nature” I realized recently i’m now afraid to love people. I feel like a pair of Wet Socks to new people. I invest myself in new relationships very quickly. Like a pair of wet socks, I cling to you and make you uncomfortable. 

I struggle with expressing my feelings to others no matter how comfortable I am with them because I was always made to feel irritating and over time I started to believe that. For so long, my emotions were deemed “crazy” or “insane” when they were vocalized. I’m not realizing this is not true. Just because we all love in different ways, does not mean we love incorrectly. 

I spent two hours this morning at a coffee shop with a new friend and we discussed the fears we both have when entering in a new relationship. “What if they don’t like me as much as i like them?” or “What if i’m just wasting my time?” I realized sitting in that smoky coffee shop that this was how you love. You talk about it. You sit down with people you wish to have a level 10 relationship and say “I want to have a level 10 relationship with you.” It’s as easy and as difficult as that. 

Communication is key.

I realize that this is easier said than done but honestly it’s the only way to weed out people who don’t wish to see you flourish or want to experience life with you. No matter how difficult or annoying it seems, you have to talk about it. A big problem you face when inviting new people in your life is tip toeing around the hard topics so that you become invested and you don’t even know their true intentions. You have to address the hard stuff to reap the rewards of developing relationships with others. 

So wether you’re a physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving, or quality time lover; address the uncomfortable topics so that you may develop a level 10. Find out how people who care about you receive love and love them deeply and fearlessly. 

Never be afraid to love others. You might feel like a pair of wet socks but I promise someone thinks you’re a blanket straight out of the dryer. The only wrong way to love, is to not love at all. 

I’ll leave you with my go to verse for when i’m feeling scared to love:

1 John 4:18-19

18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.19 We love because he first loved us.

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Uh, I’m New To This

I was raised in a fairly religious home where my parents urged for us to pursue Jesus. I went to church begrudgingly every Sunday morning and sat in the pews sulking. I loathed it. I could be sleeping but instead I was in an itchy dress surrounded by grown ups, instead of doing whatever it was an 8 year old girl occupied her time with. I was always surrounded by Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, my family did not consist of preachers but religion was prevalent. 

I always knew deep down in my heart that I wanted my own relationship with Jesus just not, “right now.” I sought worldly things everyday. I wanted to experience life but I could not do that while loving Jesus. Right? Wrong! I wanted to experience sin, not life. Not only did I pursue worldly things but I was scared I was not good enough. Not scared I was not good enough for Jesus but not good enough for other christians. 

I had a conversation with my sister a few weeks ago and she told me a story about a girl she met at bible study. She said that she went to a group and everyone was bouncing verses off each-other, discussing meaning of scripture. Finally one girl asked another, “What do you think?” The girl kinda froze up and stuttered, “Uh, I don’t really know.. I’m new to this.”  We both agreed thats how we wanted to reflect Jesus to others. 

I can’t quote scripture. I can’t tell you what every book in the bible is about. If you asked me about them, I’d freeze up. It makes me uncomfortable when people ask me about things I am not confident in. I respect people that have immense knowledge over certain topics or issues but I will never be one of those people, I realized I do not want to be. 

I do not want to believe I know everything there is to know about anything, especially God. I never want someone to feel uncomfortable or lesser by my presence because I pretend to know it all. I don’t believe Jesus wants that either. We’re flawed. We do not know everything.  I wanna love like Jesus, not know everything. There’s something so beautiful about having fellowship with others that are “New to this.” Wether they have known Jesus for 50 years or 1 hour. I always wanna be “New.” 

I might not be confident about specifics verses. I might not know the story of David like the back of my hand. I do not know every christian song ever written. I might not be confident about speaking the word. One thing I do know: IT DOESN’T MATTER!!! 

God didn’t say “Come to me, but like only if you know what psalms 46:5 says.” He doesn’t pass out pop quizzes every week and deem me unworthy if I fail completely. You don’t get a ticket to heaven and certain ones say “First Class.” He doesn’t work like that. 

I’m not confident in the finer details of religion and in no way do I think that I am a pro at it. I am confident in the fact that despite all of my faults, I am still loved an unfathomable amount. Despite my brokenness, my sin, and my lack of confidence.  I am confident in the fact that His love is all i’ll ever need. All you’ll ever need. 

Don’t be afraid to love Jesus because everybody is, “New To This.”                             

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Bitter Made Shweet: The Beginning

Hi Mara Lindsey here! Welcome to my first heart to heart via the world wide web! I cannot express how excited I am to embark on this new journey!! Although I have Jesus in my heart, I am in no way a counselor or professional in anyway whatsoever. My goal for this blog is to spread the Lords love through my own personal experiences no matter how dark or uncomfy they can be. I hope to be so brutally honest that we break down lies of this generation and the lies of the enemy. Mostly I hope to show you how absolutely amazing our heavenly father is. I have recently discovered that God has given me a desire to be a mouth piece for Him in my writing, my speaking, and the way I now live my life. I realize that some of you reading this may have known me before I made this large change and I hope that despite who I was, you might give the new me a chance. 

My past is my weapon I will use against the world, not a weapon it will use against me.

I going to be completely honest with you, this is terrifying. Absolutely and utterly terrifying. I have been finding every single excuse in the world to not sit down and write this initial post. “Oh, I’m not an english major... my grammar and punctuation will be atrocious” or “No, not today.. I didn’t wash my hair so like I have to go do that.” Literally every single excuse in the book I have used. I realized this was fear. Fear that I will not succeed at this. Fear that no one will read it and it will float around the internet unseen forever. Fear that my new lifestyle will change my old life and the people in it. Fear that I do not have the right words. I have been dying to be a writer and to share my testimony for so long, but this fear was crippling. Finally God said, “You have to trust in me and put aside your fear” so here we are. The beginning of “Bitter Made Shweet” (a name I will explain in another blog post.)

i pray that you’ll come back and embark on this journey with me. I promise that my posts will improve (I’m new to this. Cut me some slack!) You’re gonna learn a lot about me here, probably more than you ever intended. Sorry if you’re reading this mom and dad. I am coming to you completely vulnerable and exposed. This is my story before I found my purpose and the journey I am embarking on now that I have found it. 

Welcome Home.

XOXO

Mara Lindsey

p.s  I love you and there is nothing you can do about it.