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days have been hard but nights are harder. i took the next few days off just to hole myself up... and i know i'm going to end up being dodgy with everyone and i know they need me and they hate it but i'd rather paint myself an ass and apologize for that then try and talk about where my heads at. especially because i don't know where its at.
i worry about you. you belong to yourself but for how long? i know what a habit for two looks like and i know you're dancing on a fine line right now. we breeze through conversations of the matter, enough information for your voice to waver and then the facade continues. how much freedom are you truly allowed? how hurt are you? do you really believe it'll change? and who am i to prod around your business and help you sort through it all when i dodge conversations of my own wellbeing. i know what our dynamic looks like... but i wish i didn't contribute to the silence. i wish i knew what was actually happening so i could help because i want to be the person you paint me up to be.
i know you need me. you're unpacking years of questions and pain and i... don't know where i exist amongst all of that. i don't know how to help you process new emotions because i can't get look beyond my own envy. the distance between you three exists to no fault of your own and you've been given the opportunity to begin a journey together. the distance between him and i exists because of me. i hate these silent moments of selfishness because they conflict with the unidentified emotions i have for you. i want it all to work for you, i want this to all be worth opening old wounds. i want nothing but good for you. but i don't think i was made to help you find that.
i can't wrap my head around you. you think you have me figured out but i promise you don't. i mean, why would you stick around if you've truly got me figured out? if you know what the end looks like, why stick around? well, maybe you do have my number then. maybe you know that i'm enticed and almost bewildered with your existence. because you're right. you aren't like anyone else i know. and i can't figure you out. and maybe for once i'm hesitant because i'm fighting the ebb and flow for once.
easiest solution is pulling back and waiting for this all to pass. easiest solution is waiting for these headaches and chest pains to fade on their own regard. i'll pull a classic move and go off the grid. hope you lot forgive me for selfish actions.
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kit varik graham
nicknames: kitthew, kitten, graham cracker, k. date of birth: october 28th, 1991 ethnicity: irish how many languages can they speak? which ones?: two, poorly. spanish and french. height & weight: 6′1 / 150 lbs. sexual orientation: pansexual gender: cismale pronouns: he/him education level: gcse current occupation: bartender where all have they lived?: skerries, dublin / london, england / nyc, new york / oakheart, oregon past relationships?: four to five serious relationships, mostly flings current relationship?: single any pets?: none positive traits?: empathetic, protective, flamboyant negative traits?: compulsive, uncommunicative, promiscuous nervous tics?: nail biting, smoking pet peeves?: slow walkers, music elitists, high pitched sounds fears?: abandonment, open water, heights
"have any superstitions?”
i try not to buy into too many ideals- but i suppose i’m quite cautious with mirrors. don’t need any more bad luck.
"do you have any catchphrases?”
woops doopsy, i’ve made a fucky wucky.
“how about a lucky number?”
let’s go with thirteen.
"what did you get on your enneagram test?”
number seven, the enthusiast
"now how about your temperament test?”
sanguine
“and your elemental personality...?”
lots of quizzes today, huh? i got water, oddly enough.
”what was your hogwarts house?”
i never got into this one much... so i feel a bit like a fraud if i take a test. i let someone else pick the house for me at some point maybe.
“do you think you’re a sociable person?”
why do you think i decided to be a bartender? love a good stranger.
”if you updated your myspace today, what would be on your profile playlist?”
britney spears - toxic avril lavigne - girlfriend sean kingston - beautiful girls
”alrighty.... how about your away message?”
circle jerk meeting xx
”... moving on, what’s your favourite colour?”
blues
”how about favourite food and drink?”
tacos and anything sweet and sugary. i’m easy to please, really
”what are you passionate about?”
i’m passionate about happiness.... not quite good at it... but i’m passionate nonetheless.
”what did your ‘06 friday nights look like?”
oh god... i was fifteen. wasn’t much to do back home, so it was a lot of late night bike rides with the lads. fishing sometimes. tried to go skinny dipping every now and again.
”what’s your love language?”
food, always food.
”what are three things about yourself that nobody else knows?”
despite popular belief, i enjoy cooking. i usually never finish the shows i start. when i’m not drunk, i’m a very light sleeper.
”what’s important to you? why?”
between you and me... my friends. they’re the closest thing i have to family now.
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this week flew by- and by that i mean it has dragged on for fucking days and every new one is a new uncomfortable turn. trying to hold everyone together, including myself, is a task i wasn't ever cut out for. but here we are.
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watching them interact makes me nauseous. like you two really... trust each other like that?? y*kes
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he's come over a lot recently, mostly to take care of me. i'm... smitten but need to pull it together. we're mates. friends. pull it together.
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i swear i saw you in the bar. i thought you left home, that you somehow managed to find me. but it wasn't you. it's never been you... not a single time. why would it? how could you ever leave them, how could you ever find me? my big spender was in and this freak out cost me my tip. i turned your pictures back around and thought about calling someone in for company. typed out three different texts to send and deleted them all. god, i miss you.
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Some things you let go in order to live.
IG: griefmother
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