bitter-exmo

[bitter-exmo]

[bitter-exmo]

three years ago today, a new me was born

[bitter-exmo]

It kinda sucks looking back on how bigoted and stupid I used to be. Like it's crazy how if you'd asked me five years ago if I thought trans women should be aloud to use the women's bathroom I'd probably say no. And sometimes I don't understand how I could've agreed to such bad views.

I'm glad that even before leaving the church I did start to change my opinions.

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We need to talk about the "exmo's are so annoying" to being an exmo pipeline.

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I remember being 17 back in 2020. And that being the first time I actively chose not to go to church. And it's been almost 4 years exactly in a few months. It's crazy how such a small choice can change your life so much. I remember all the fear mongering they'd do in church about how once you leave you fall into addiction. Lose all your loved ones and so on. But now at 21 I don't regret it at all. For a long time I did miss it. It's hard knowing how to move forward after life in a cult. So the natural thing is to do what's easy. So I guess to any body who's missing the church. Remember it won't give you true freedom. The church leaders will always try to control your thoughts and actions.

Sorry for the rant. Just was feeling super happy about leaving today 😀.

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So last night I was thinking about how one time I saw my older brother refuse the sacrament. But I didn't know why. So I thought that was just the mature, cool thing to do. So the next week I did it. And my dad was like: ???😡.

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Learning small ways to start to love yourself is one of the sweetest revenges on all the shitheads who told you you shouldn’t. I’m self-conscious about my legs, for forced modesty bs reasons and body hair, but I went out in shorts today and the sun felt so wonderful. I tend to repress my anger because I wanted to be a perfect little girl but I’ve been screaming along to rage songs and my throat is sore but my mood is lighter. 

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You know it's funny how when I was Mormon my ultimate dream was to go to heaven with God. And now if I did ever meet god I'd take being banished to outer darkness.

Which I was told was where people who spoke out against the church went. I don't know if I qualify but I'd be happy to apply. 😊

[bitter-exmo]

You know what’s fucking wild though? The total shift in our mindsets that you could Never explain to a Mormon. My mother was baffled when I told her I was happy after I separated myself from the church, she could not comprehend that I could find purpose without god and yeah it sucks that her happiness will always hinge on religious validation, but ours does not anymore and that’s the most raw feeling of freedom I have ever experienced

Sometimes it sucks to think that some people will never break out of basing their whole life, and happiness on the church. There's so much joy, and freedom found outside the church, and religion as a whole.

And I hope more people can see that.

[bitter-exmo]

So todays been pretty rough for me. Despite the fact I don't have to watch or listen to conference. I've been hyper aware of it. It's frustrating the constant reminders from my brain. About how important this used to be to me.

[bitter-exmo]

It's funny how in the church I always assumed. The questions and the doubts I had. Was because I didn't pray enough, or work hard enough on my testimony. But now I see that they didn't have the answer. And no matter how much I prayed, or studied. I'd never find them there.

[bitter-exmo]

A sad thing is when you hear about someone leaving. Only to find out they just joined a different cult. I was just thinking about this cause I heared my cousin and his wife had left the church today. And found out that that's what happened with them.

And I know that's not unheard of. But still sad. It's like watching someone leave their abusive partner only to see them get into another one.

And I guess I'm just great full that I didn't fall into that trap at least.

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The reason watching people be in the church is so hard is because sense I hurt so much in it I can't believe anyone can actually be happy in it

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I remember one young women's lesson I had once, and the leaders earnestly told us to not emasculate your man. I remember being told with earnest that even if I knew how to fix a toilet, and fix it better than my hypothetical future husband, to not do so. Instead we were taught, and I quote, "Put on your best dress and heels, do your makeup and hair and ask him to fix the toilet instead when he comes home."

LIKE WHAT?? We were literally told to be fucking arm candy for our hypothetical husband, and to not do any "manly" housework because it might hurt his feelings and we can't have that can we :(

Fuck this church man

[bitter-exmo]

we’re really in it now bitches

[bitter-exmo]

Interacting with people still in the church after leaving is hard. Because I basically have two parts of myself screaming at each other. The part telling me to try and pull them out. Because I know in the end the church only brings pain. And then on the other side that know I can't force them not to believe. And me trying to pull them out might results in them diving back in even more.

It just sucks :(