bitter-angry-sad

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“we live in an uncaring universe” yeah dude and I live in an uncaring house. and I shit in an uncaring toilet. but do you touch an uncaring lover? do you comfort an uncaring child? do you guide to sleep each night a cold and uncaring self?

[bitter-angry-sad]

i really hate living

i dont want to end myself, I just want everything to get significantly better

but when ai is taking over, making all my dreams and wishes for my art completely null and void, it's hard to find any other purpose

it's hard to want to make internet videos when ai is going to copy my voice or my face and deepfake me into things that I wouldnt or havent ever said / done

i wasnt upset really when i got cancer. because if I died, oh well. if I didn't, oh well.

i think if i met myself as anyone else, I would hate me, too

[bitter-angry-sad]

[bitter-angry-sad]

it keeps getting worse and worse

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I hate being alive so much right now, I’ve never been this close to ending it in a good while i just want a big life change for the better

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Racism is always going to be a thing against SOMEONE, its never going to go away no matter how much we try and preach because people will always try to justify it

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i don't think we talk enough about how childhood bullying really just. fucks up your ability to make friends long-term.

I'm not talking about self-image or even like attachment styles, although peer emotional abuse affects that too. I'm talking about how it legitimately stunts your understanding of how positive platonic relationships even work.

Like, a few years back (pre pandemic) a classmate point-blank told me, "hey, you're pretty cool, do you wanna come out for drinks and trivia with us Thursday night?" and my first internal reaction wasn't "oh cool, a friend!" or even "I'm not really interested" but: "where is the trap?" My kneejerk response to an earnest overture of friendship from this guy was trying to figure out how he was trying to back me into a corner, trick me into something, or make fun of me. We were in goddamm GRADUATE SCHOOL.

Of course I did end up going to drinks and it was a lovely time, but sometimes I think about the sheer number of potential friendships I've missed out on because I read their intentions as potentially hostile, *even when their intent is clearly not hostile*. Getting asked out for drinks is SUPER NORMAL. Being invited to parties is normal. Meeting for coffee is normal. in fact it's a primary way of forging adult friendships. But i am immediately wary of it, because the years in which I was developing most of my crucial social skills were spent dodging cruel pranks, getting invited to fake parties or uninvited from real ones, getting asked out "as a joke", being given compliments that were actually somehow insults, and so forth.

I don't have problems making friends-- I talk to people for a living, I am overall extremely charismatic and get invited out a lot, but I struggle to forge new connections because my trained response is to be immediately suspicious of people who appear friendly, welcoming and well-intentioned -- even fifteen years later. This is why I don't get the "you should have been bullied more" crowd. Like somehow bullying makes you more "normal". It definitely doesn't, even if "normal" was a real thing. I am definitely a more antisocial weirdo as a result of prolonged peer-to-peer emotional abuse than I would have been otherwise.

[bitter-angry-sad]

I don’t think anything has ever been this bad in my life, ever. I’m contemplating offing myself every single day whenever I’m awake, I can’t do anything enjoyable anymore cause I’m just so sad all the time. 

[bitter-angry-sad]

I’m not joking, I might have to turn to prostitution to afford shit and pay bills

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I’m closer to ending it than I ever have been before

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I completely forgot that my profile picture is Wizard101

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I WANT to like people, I WANT to respect people, I WANT to understand others and respect their decisions, but when those opinions come from things that are just so incorrect and come from sources based on no knowledge, it’s hard

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i want to just be anywhere but the current climate I want to stop seeing this stupid shit everywhere and then getting upset over it for no reason I hate the internet so goddamn much, where’s an apocalypse when you need it

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If you have shit like dni if you are white, black, gay, lesbian, straight, etc in your bio - [I'm not talking about maps/pedophiles or terfs or anything because those are fucking gross for obvious reasons]

- then you are a shitty person who needs to get over their bigoted views on people. If someone's race, gender or identity makes you uncomfortable then you are no better than actual bigots in this world

Get therapy.

[bitter-angry-sad]

I'm the happiest I've been in years right now. I don't know or understand why.

I'm learning that good things don't last forever, bad things are just obstacles to overcome, so take everything as it comes, cause good and bad, it won't last forever.

Even the most embarrassing things can be looked back on and I've learned that maybe seeing the humor in stuff is the way to go. Like, yeah, it's funny it was that embarrassing or bad.

Live for the next happy moment, and make as many as you possibly can.

[bitter-angry-sad]

just chillin, bleeding out

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