birdsonthedress

[birdsonthedress]

I don’t blame you. I’m proud of you for doing what’s best for you even if it hurt me initially. I don’t know if we would have lasted if you hadn’t left to figure your shit out. I don’t even know if we’re compatible as a couple or if we ever were. But I do know we played a crucial part in each other’s lives. It definitely wasn’t a mistake, and we were exactly what the other needed at the time. We taught each other so many valuable lessons. I’m infinitely grateful to have met you, and for all the time we shared. I wouldn’t take any of it back. Thank you for being you, thank you for sharing your time with me, and thank you for loving me in your own way, even if it wasn’t in the way I needed in the long run. Maybe we’re soulmates, though I didn’t believe in them before you. You probably loved me, but love isn’t always enough. You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I saw all your flaws and I chose you. I made an effort to maintain what we built together. In the end, I was the only one trying, initiating, planning. That sounds like blaming you, I know, but it’s not. I used to be what you wanted and then I stopped being what you wanted. You don’t owe me anything, you’re allowed to fall out of love. In hindsight, I recognize some of the ways codependency snuck into our seemingly healthy relationship. Part of me empathized with you and wanted to comfort you, to take care of you, nurse you back to health, show you the way. That wasn’t loving of me. I stepped back and let you own your power to take care of yourself, which was a true act of love on my part. So although I didn’t necessarily act on my urges to caretake (thus stripping you of your power and implying you’re incapable of taking care of yourself), I still wanted to. I wanted so badly for you to reach out to me: to ask me to hold you, to cry on me, to ask for my advice, to comfort you. I’m sorry for wanting from you what you couldn’t give me. You’re not there yet. You haven’t learned to allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help. Partly due to social conditioning, seeing as how you’re a man and men are taught to be self-sufficient at all costs — lest they risk bruising their ego. No offence. Another way I wasn’t loving was by hiding my pain from you. I avoided confrontation and let you believe I was more accepting and more of a stoic than I was. Pretending to be okay is a block to intimacy. I unknowingly cut myself off from you emotionally in my attempt to be more like who I thought you wanted and needed: a tough, unshakeable, independent woman. I am tough, I am independent, but I’m not unshakable. I’m not immune to hurtful comments, neglect, broken promises — and everything else I swept under the rug and denied all in the name of my love for you. You said we grew apart, and maybe that’s part of the reason. Maybe by becoming avoidant, I closed the door on you. Vulnerability is what connects people. I preached about vulnerability but maybe I didn’t embody my philosophy. I should have been myself around you and trusted you to decide if you liked it or not. I didn’t give you that chance. I didn’t give you the chance to make it better, to ease my pain, if you so chose. Either way, it wasn’t a mistake. I can see some of the ways I contributed, and some of the ways I may have potentially contributed. It’s important to reflect on how it all happened. But it wasn’t a mistake. Without these experiences, I wouldn’t have learned all I’ve learned. This breakup has been one of the most profound transformative periods in my life. It’s been a huge catalyst for spiritual, emotional and mental growth. It’s caused deeper awakening, uncovered personal truths, solidified some beliefs and altered others. It’s been an incredibly painful, beautiful, life-enhancing experience that if given the chance, I wouldn’t take back. To quote rapi kaur, “I thank the universe for taking everything it has taken and giving to me everything it is giving.”

Unconditionally Isa July 8th, 2017.

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RAINBOW CAKE

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explore

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Breakfast Gathering

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Beautiful Garda, Italy

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flowers

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Try not to focus on “letting go,” but rather, just let it be. Accept the situation as it is. The breakup, the pain — all of it. This is your reality right now. Don’t resist it. Feel all that you need to feel, learn all its lessons. Let this experience teach you about people, love, relationships, life, and especially about yourself. Breakups are an incredible opportunity for self-awareness and growth in general.

The breakup is causing you pain, but don’t prolong this pain by attaching yourself to the role of “heartbroken and stuck.” See yourself as healing, as simply experiencing life. Go with the flow; let the pain flow through you and carry you through the necessary stages of grief. The more you fight it, the longer it takes. Breakups don’t need to make us bitter. Breakups can make us better. Don’t struggle to let it go, just let it be and the pain will let go of you.

Moving On 15.03.2018

[birdsonthedress]

@thelovejournals

[birdsonthedress]

“When I say I love you more, I don’t mean I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the bad days ahead of us, I love you more than any fight we will ever have. I love you more than the distance between us, I love you more than any obstacle that could try and come between us. I love you the most.”

[birdsonthedress]

Love ends.

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“Not everyone you lose is a loss.” - Unknown (made in the walls notebook)

[birdsonthedress]