biological-contradiction

[biological-contradiction]

Vulnerable post. I guess I needed to write this down and vent.

I always wanted to give somebody else the level of love and care that only a romantic relationship allows. That has been my biggest dream. Bigger than any career I could have, even bigger than traveling the world (it was, at least, more realistic than traveling the entire world). Until very recently I truly believed that loving was the thing I did best, and that I would really shine when I get a chance to share that kind of reciprocate love with someone. I am not exaggerating here. I suck at school, I'm awful at sports, I'm not good at anything, so in this one thing that I always wished to do and fantasized about I surely must be good, right?

So because of a miracle, or whatever, one person was allowing me to love him in such a way. He liked me, and after a while was in love with me, and was ready to have a committed relationship. And I took the chance, believing I was in love too. But that lasted about... 5 days, until I realized that I did not really like him. We had good moments and chemistry, but I did not feel for him what I knew was necessary for a relationship of that kind. And yet I had developed an extremely strong attachment and was giving my love to this person, who was such a good and understanding partner. But I could not stand lying and even then I knew deep down that something was wrong.

Then the hardest part came. We spent New Year's together, with his family, knowing we would not be together anymore, but pretending to be happy, and dancing (man he looks so passionate and happy and good when he dances). These have been some of the hardest two weeks I can remember. I am still thinking about my actions every single living hour, and I am glad to be talking again as friends, because we both wanted to remain as such. The thought of him broken hearted and crying in his bed still haunts me. Every morning I wake up and get a feeling of guilt in my gut. I have to stay in bed for a good extra time repeating words in an effort to calm myself, and when I have the energy to leave my bed, I never want to eat because I am never hungry. The truth is I hurt a good person that I cared about and loved, when I could have saved us the misery by stopping dating some weeks before, and that is something I have yet to forgive myself for.

One last thing: this is a new theory that I built today. It's based on the premise that I did not love him because he was a loving soul that made me feel love and sympathy, but because I was desperately seeking for attachment. I refuse to believe this is entirely true, I refuse to be that cynical. I know I loved many things about his personality. I still have some pics where he looks really handsome.

Anyway, I need to stop over thinking now, or at least try. I'm mourning a relationship and that's it.

[biological-contradiction]

and you know what? i know i will fucking come back to delete that post because i’ll think “ohhh but what if this person sees it, or this other person? what will they think of me?” well fuck if i can’t vent in my tumblr account why the fuck do i even have one. this is me, i am nothing without my hatred, i like nothing, i’m good at nothing, i can’t relate to almost anyone ever, the only thing i consider myself good at is feeling hatred and pain, so that is what my fucking presence online is going to be like it or not

and you know what else? later i’ll regret i wasted these never returning minutes of my life to come here and say this, and i’ll talk to myself and say “you’re a good sweet girl, you know all those things aren’t true” and it’s good and all, and i cry, but it comes to a point where you KNOW it’s bullshit, no, you may be a sweet girl with a lot of love inside you like a stuffed bear, but you can be that and at the same time be a horrible person who one day will no longer be able to hold all the resentment and the hatred inside of you and will pass it to others.

you know, i’ve told this to close people in the past, and this is where i know i won’t be publishing this in my main account. But several times I’ve seen myself in the future, being maybe 40, 45, and hearing that my teenage daughter has a little boyfriend, and after a few days of being in a state of complete disorientation and psychological pain, I will murder her. I will take a gun, or buy one, I will make her stay home, and murder her with tears in my eyes.

Who know what happens afterwards. Maybe I kill myself and end my pain for good. Hell, maybe she survives if she gets help soon enough, although she will never forget the sight of her loving mother shooting at her. Maybe I disappear, pack my bags and go to a country I have always dreamed of but never had the opportunity to visit, and dye my hair and life under a different name. Maybe I will try to be a lesbian there, so my past identity is fully ignored. And then I realise that I really don’t like women and I love love dick, so I move on to the next country I’ve always dreamed of and start again. Maybe I just sit there until my son or my husband find me. No, no I would never do that. I wouldn’t make my kid that. Kill her if she finds a boy who likes her before I did, sure, but see me sitting with a gun looking at their dead sister? I’m not such a monster.

I don’t know why I always want to tell that to people. It’s probably just a scream for help, but I have to remember that nobody can help me but me, and that sucks, because right now I can’t get mental help. It’s too expensive and I’m saving every penny to make something of my future in this god forsaken country.

I’m lost and I can’t be found. I’ll just keep screaming for help, I’ll make this my identity (shit it already is) and that will be it until I die, somehow. I used to want my death to be this wonderful event where one can be encapsulated in a wikipedia page for hours, reading every theory, every clue, every little piece of action. Because death is way too common, I want mine to be remarkable.

I’m glad I didn’t post this on my main, but I still wish I was fucking normal. I will always wish I could reset and just be fucking normal.

[biological-contradiction]

remember kids, when somebody posts pictures of them and their loving partner online, specially if they’re married, secretly what they’re saying is “hey you, sitting on a fucking chair and constantly trying to escape the arterial pressure that hate in the bottom of your chest escalates to give you several times a day, you fucking scum experiment of a human being; you will never find this kind of love. No one will ever looks at you like this, you will never wear something so beautiful, you will never have a beautiful photoshoot like this. So take your miserable excuse for a life right now before you waste anymore resources us beautiful people could do well use of”.

Bonus points if they’re a gay couple. “You will never have the courage to do what I did, to be as happy as I am despite the world. I mean, you’re straight or even bi (decide once and for all oh my god) AND you can’t find a loving couple, out of the putrid plus three billion heterosexual human beings in this fucking planet, or even someone who would move just a bit to fuck you? Jesus you must be disgusting. Or, really really choosy, which isn’t exactly good for someone like you. So get out of our fucking way and either start being stupidly happy this second, or die already”

[biological-contradiction]

please

[biological-contradiction]

¿Y si lo hiciera? ¿Y si no rechazara esa ocurrencia que tuve? Si aprovechara un día para hacer algo realmente significativo, bajar a una estación de subte, poner mis pertenencias en algún lugar y saltar, y que lo último que sienta sea lo que más deseé por los últimos meses. Ese deseo de dolor agudo que nunca logro satisfacer, que estoy convencida de que merezco.

Morir como una nota al pie, pero una interesante, una que hace levantar las cejas del que la lee, una que te hace querer saber más. Morir como una anécdota. Morir como un relato de tu época, morir como uno más que no pudo encontrar la salida, que tras la realización de que el mundo no lo quiere, de que sus talentos no existen, de que no sirve para nada más que para gastar recursos y comida, de que ni siquiera es capaz de cumplir con las expectativas más pelotudas que una persona joven puede tener, se desespera, no sabe cómo respirar, y decide terminar con ese espectáculo lamentable que es su vida.

Tal vez así él me va a mirar otra vez. Tal vez cuando sea una víctima de la sociedad, él me va a querer. Tal vez así se va a acordar de mí y va a sentir algo más que apatía, o verguenza de siquiera haberme conocido. Pena, me basta que sienta pena, me basta que se pregunte por un segundo por qué. Estoy tan desesperada.

[biological-contradiction]

“why do you want to go to therapy? you’ve got a lovely life. plus you’ll waste money”

if only she knew the stupid things that trigger an unreasonable anger in me or the times i hit myself because of it

[biological-contradiction]

que divertido sentir rabia al punto de querer cagarme a palos cada vez que recuerdo que nunca estuve ni cerca de estar en una relación con nadie

en especial cuando lo recuerdo 500 veces por día

[biological-contradiction]

When Ezra and me hang out

cold bloo that’s fuckin COLD

[biological-contradiction]

[biological-contradiction]

rules

anonimally post something awfully written that makes anyone think that whoever wrote it has serious issues

regret

go back to edit the post

see that nobody even read it

feel bad

keep the awful thoughts inside for another night with no one to vent in the near future because you can't afford therapy

feel worse

???

profit

[biological-contradiction]

I dreamed of you again. You called me. After all this time, you called. You wanted to give me something I had forgotten in your house. You sounded so natural. Like time hadn't passed. And I was shocked. I wanted to accept whatever you wanted to bring, though I wasn't sure what it was. I could hardly bring myself to articulate my words.

So bad that could only be a dream.

I wonder where you are. I wonder if you moved. I will always look for you when I walk near your house.

I'm in bed. I don't want to do anything. I only wish I could know you're ok. Please, please tell me you are.

[biological-contradiction]

One thing I just realized in the shower

The two most important guys in my life (well, outside Ezra and Dami, but I mean romantically), the ones I think of everyday, both did the same thing once: waved at me from the other side of the tracks while I saw them and smiled back.

Last year Eze did it. One day we walked together to the station and when I took my bus, he waved. And when I went out with Diego for the first time (guess I haven't talked about him here eh?), he waved at me before his train arrived.

It's such a small thing, but it's so cute.

I wish one of them had feelings for me like I have for them, though.

[biological-contradiction]

I only want to love and be loved.

[biological-contradiction]

I can't believe how horny I am. I love it. I never ever want to come now. I want to feed an angel in his quest for home.

[biological-contradiction]

when you feel pretty and wanna post a pic but you're not sure you want strangers to see them

[biological-contradiction]

Quiero suicidarme.

Quiero suicidarme. Quiero que pase todo lo que pasa cuando alguien se suicida. Quiero que digan cosas sobre mí. Quiero que paren y se pongan serios por un minuto pensando en mí. Quiero que hablen, que se pregunten por qué, que inventen un personaje que no soy yo. Una chica mejor, más linda, más complicada, más enigmática, más inaccesible, más interesante.

Pero más que nada quiero que este dolor pare. Quiero que la vida pare. Quiero que me dejen de importar las personas y las cosas que me importan. Quiero dejar de estar tan rota. Quiero dejar de dar razones para que otros se espanten. Quiero dejar de sufrir. Quiero dejar de vivir cada día como si fueran una lucha, un desafío que me está planteando el mundo. “Ah, así que evitaste morirte otro día más? Bueno, acá tenés mil otros problemas que para otras personas son minúsculos pero a vos te van a parecer insoportables. Vas a terminar cansada y sin ningún tipo de gratificación”.

Quiero dejar este intento de vida que estoy llevando. Todos crecen menos yo. Todos cambian. La gente que conozco ya no es la misma. Hacen cosas distintas. Dicen cosas distintas. Yo no tengo lugar en ese mundo nuevo. Aunque lo intente, sólo voy a terminar encajando de una manera forzada, incómoda, fea, de una manera fortuita, teniendo sólo un control mínimo sobre lo que me pasa. Sí, voy a conseguir pareja, claro que sí. Voy a encontrar a alguien que no me parezca atractivo y con quien el sexo va a ser casi asqueroso pero a quien no debería dejar porque “me quiere” y “es bueno”, alguien que me va a hacer perder tiempo hasta que me cague con alguien más. Sí, claro que también voy a conseguir trabajo. Me van a pagar mal, lo voy a odiar y no me va a alcanzar para las cosas que quiero hacer. Tengo garantizada una vida completamente normal para una mujer de mi país y tiempo. Por supuesto, no tengo la menor duda.

Quiero suicidarme para terminar con eso. Quiero suicidarme para no darle la razón al tiempo.

[biological-contradiction]

i feel so disconnected from you. i’m sorry. i want to go back to when we were closer but now i see you and i see someone who is happy and has her own life and i’m... i’m still me

life hurts