bigsecrets69 - Tumblr blog

[bigsecrets69]

sorry i’ll try to write more shit in the future here, but way to go on pulling together shit from a pretty sparse blog compared to others i’m sure

[bigsecrets69]

i will fucking scream

i’m not going to bother with anything anymore

[bigsecrets69]

there’s something up with me and i dunno what it is exactly. im just feeling cold. i mean i know its not the best time of year but i didn’t expect to hit it like a wall

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i think i finally kinda know what i am to people and maybe i'll just be okay with that

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so last weekend i went on my clickbites date with john. it was interesting i wasn't really expecting to be paired up with a guy, especially one that is kind of both not at all new to me but also not someone i really know personally. like we've been on tours together and we definitely have friends in common, but we didn't really ever spend time together and certainly not one on one until now.

i don't want to sound like my outlook was super negative, but i had a lot better time than i anticipated. like yeah, we bowled, spent some time in the arcade, and ate, but even just like the conversation was nice and maybe even a bit deeper than i anticipated it would ever be. the last dates i went on the previous time, it was with two people i knew pretty well and i tried to plan out dates for them that i knew they'd enjoy and kind of take the entire thing pretty seriously wanting to make sure they had fun and were comfortable. not to say i didn't care about that this time, but the dynamic is just different. it kind of felt like it was on me to take the lead prior due to both the friendships i already had established and frankly to a degree gender dynamics. so even just planning this one was kind of interesting bc i wasn't sure if i should jump in with a proposed idea or if that wouldn't be received well or whatever. obviously it ended up fine, but it was just new for me to figure out.

once i'd gotten a bit more comfortable and things had started going, i was even able to share that a little bit. just in the sense that i was kind of unsure of my place vs really all of my past experiences. and until bringing that up i hadn't known he was bi, really i mostly only knew about him being with hayley so that only ruled out one possibility. but to that end, it was something he had some level of experience with and tbh in a way that made me a bit more comfortable. and i think it was a good opening to kind of share how he was able to acknowledge that part of himself and even if i never go on another date with a man again, it is another thing to embrace the gray areas of in my life. i dunno it was just the kind of thing that felt more natural hearing from someone relatively new than going off and questioning friends to better understand it... if that makes sense.

we kind of covered a lot of stuff conversationally with like sexuality, mental health, death, and drugs. i mean, there was also plenty of lighter stuff too. wasn't all like deep and shit, but i guess it was interesting getting to know someone a little better and be surprised by the similarities there were experience-wise. like sure, it's not exactly a shock that two dudes in bands had issues with drugs, but it's nice to get someone else's perspective with it all and how it affected his life in ways that were similar and different from mine.

i don't wanna get too much into his shit bc obviously that's his business to share or not, but it does make me think a bit about myself and where im at on things. it's easy enough to slowly slide back into not the best habits, especially when im living alone again. it's always felt safer having someone there to keep an eye on things and give me a kick if things were getting weird, even if im definitely capable of doing that for myself. i do want to keep trying to make positive decisions for myself and be open to new things, experiences, people, etc. as much as i think ive been pretty good at avoiding being completely shut down in some ways, there are probably still some others i could open myself up to or at least approach with more of an open mind.

and internally, i do think i need to get better at only accepting truths about myself and not judging them so much. i dunno, there were a lot of things i was left to think about a bit more.

[bigsecrets69]

it's nice having someone to follow up with and check in on. i like being able to miss somebody a little bit and wanna know what they're up to and all that shit. i'm not saying shit's getting deep or anything crazy, but it's a nice spot to be in

it's weird having people way out of my universe interested though kinda feels like i stepped into a different reality

[bigsecrets69]

i figured why the fuck not, right? how you thinking i need to come out of my shell?

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i didn't take a hit and i feel good

[bigsecrets69]

this is kind of a different feeling... and im almost unsure about it but at the same time i think im just gonna let whatever happens happens and i'll take the hit if i have to

[bigsecrets69]

things are honestly going relatively well. i feel like im fully enjoying and appreciating what's going on around me and there isn't any pressure one way or another. i dunno i guess im just happy mostly and not feeling too secretive or self isolated

[bigsecrets69]

its kind of a relief to get feedback and like, pretty decent feedback that i don't feel like it's just ass kissing or anything like that. at the end of the day i know i wouldn't regret it or anything, but it's nice to feel validated on your efforts.

it's nice not having to fall back on some comforting distractions and just actually feel happy on my own fully immersed in what's happening around me

[bigsecrets69]

im not too worried anymore but i still just feel a little bit stressed out. i think there's a lot of not knowing my head's at and waiting to see where and how things land... it's nice being relatively busy except for the parts where im not

[bigsecrets69]

pretty much immediately after this trip i gotta go to start up tour. im pretty stoked for it but im also a little anxious. i think whenever we introduce some new songs on tour there's that nervous excitement. it's the kind of thing that will definitely dissipate after a few days, but for right now it'll be in my head. i'm just trying to enjoy hanging out on this trip though and let those worries creep up later as best i can

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my birthday is next week and it feels weird and not real i kinda feel like im just around and existing

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besides my dates... i also spent a fair amount of time with tai this weekend and honestly this week so far. i dunno if it was weird for her to hang out while i went on dates more or less with other girls, more specifically sylvie, but things have seemed kinda chill so i'm not too worried about it. i'm just kinda vibing. there are a lot of jokes between the three of us anyway so while there are times when that can be a little confusing i think things are cool. i like not having to think too much and sort shit out. it's a little less stress bc it's way too easy for me to get in my head and overthink bullshit

[bigsecrets69]

on friday, i took sylvie to knotts berry farm so she could enjoy all the snoopy related activities. it was a pretty good time. kind of funny in a way where i'm not sure we really did any legit dating back in the day when we were whatever we were. it was more of a hooking up thing than anything else, but still. it was a bit funny taking someone i could in very loose terms consider an ex on a first date years after the fact. sylvie isn't always the easiest to read in terms of genuine excitement sometimes, but i do think she was actually pretty fascinated with the whole thing. lots of rides and food and so much money spent on snoopy-related merch. i kinda think the whole camp snoopy thing and getting some pictures was probably the highlight.

i have to say, i did really enjoy getting to see sylvie have a fun day even if it is a bit silly. i think sometimes our interactions are so thick with jokes and sarcasm that the moments when genuine enthusiasm breaks through are probably some of the best. i always have a good time with sylvie as company, but i think this made me feel fairly certain she had a good time in my company as well.

i had another date on saturday, this time with iris. that was kind of a different vibe. i do know iris well enough, but i was pretty excited that there was a survivor event lined up kind of perfectly in time for a date. honestly one of the most prominent things i know about iris is her love of jeff probst and survivor and initially i was trying to see if there was some silly fucking thing where you could look into some jeff probst hollywood kind of stuff, but instead saw there was an actual activity and figured that was probably a better set up anyway. it's always easier to bond when you're doing something and it's not a ton of down time trying to think of new topics or information to talk about. i like the whole straight into action thing and it was honestly a lot of fun, even though it was pretty hard and competitive. i definitely think i was already at a disadvantage not being a huge survivor fan. i really haven't watched it in years and i think things had changed a lot, but it was still pretty cool. i like physical activity and puzzles, so it was definitely still within my interest.

in general too, iris is a lot of fun. it was kind of nice to spend some time with someone new and honestly just get the chance to see her in person while she happened to be in the area. i definitely think id do it again, if given the opportunity. she's definitely an interesting person and a lot of fun to spend time with. we have some things in common that i don't know i would've anticipated initially. i'm really so glad she was game for it all and just as competitive about it.

[bigsecrets69]

what is enough