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YOU'RE AMAZING AND YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

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Lmao

I've had a lot of people call me a snack recently, so I would just like to set the record straight.

I am not a "snack"

I am not a "whole damn meal"

I am not even a "buffet"

I...

Am a human being. Cannibalism is a serious topic. We need to face this issue head-on, and stop hiding being memes. In this essay I will

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Anais Nin, Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1939-1947

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im depressed because me and my boyfriend live several driving hours apart and I am back home for visit and really wanted to spend time with him, yesterday we wanted to chill and spend the night together but he then made plans with a friend and it was planned that he Stays for a few hours and I've been waiting for him at his place because he said I can wait there till he gets back but then he said he won't be back for the night and came home the next morning and I had to go an hour later. Today we were watching a movie and tried to spend the night together today but then a bunch of friends invited him over and he asked if he can go and if it's fine with me because he would like to go there and i told him that he can go and it's no problem and that he should have fun but I actually was kinda sad but i don't want him to not spend time with friends because Of me. But I thought he'll come home by 2 am but now he told me that he'll stay there longer and probably till 3:30 or 4 am :( and I'm here at his place again waiting for him to come back like I did yesterday and just keep waiting and I'm sad because it was the last chance for a while to spend the night together.. It's making me very sad

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I'm so sick of constant emotional pain regardless what's happening. Even if there are happy moments my regular state of mind is sadness. And I don't know when it changed from happy to sad and I barely remember how it's been otherwise and i just don't wanna do this anymore. No matter what I do or which decision i pick none of them seem to be a good one and it's hard to find ,the best option' because everyone causes extreme pain in different ways. I feel so hopeless and have no perspective in general and do not even really like anything. I'm just so apathetic and nothing is really fitting for me. Im on the road to substance abuse to distract myself which i promised to never fall into. In general I feel like a hypocrite to myself and that I waste my precious youth and time and do nothing meaningful or what makes me happy or what I'm proud of. I feel like ending it so often, there are few moments where I think I'm glad that I'm alive but it's becoming so distant that it feels like it just isn't worth it anymore. But i know I have people who truly love and care for me. But I just can't be with me anymore. I dislike myself a lot and just can't find inner peace and satisfaction. And the worst thing I do is only complying instead of doing something but I don't know how and where and I know many people reading this will probably think that I'm a crybaby loser who just whines all the time instead of doing anything. I really tried so often but it doesn't work. But I can't end it because I know I would kill others with it too, especially my mother. And I can't go knowing I'm hurting her and my other closest people deeply because they don't deserve that. So I'm staying here so that I'm not hurting others no more. Maybe it's good that I still care about this and that this holds me back. But I don't know if I even had the guts to do that. Probably it's not such a bad thing though. I'm just exhausted.