bigcheesecakeface

[bigcheesecakeface]

This is probably my last entry.

Whenever I open my eyes in the morning, I can still see your sleepy face beside me. I can still feel your skin brushing through me and your breath as you open your eyes hazily.

You rarely say good morning but your lazy hugs and stares feels like you are ready for the day. I can still remember how you manage to get up early in the morning, even if the last night was so hard on you. You never get a normal breakfast, you are not a fan of scheduled meals. I guess I made the right choice taking you to breakfast dates when we are together.

You say "hello" instead of "hi." Your hands are weird when there's nothing on it. Your pace when you walk is faster than mine and I can still hear the bickering when you notice me moving too slow. You probably though I am not paying attention. You probably thought I'm lazy, but no. I love walks with you. I want it to be always longer with you.

You always say you have a specific favorite, be it a beverage in your favorite coffee shop, a book, a color, a pastry, a style. But after saying your specific favorite you go on and on how you don't like it anymore, how the past few months have been fun since you tried all the menus and continuously picked one for the week.

You are not as talkative and open as you look. Some people might say you are but you are a really quiet person. You like to spend most of the time not really speaking and just enjoying your space. It hurts me when you say you are too lazy to talk about your day but it also makes me happy to have pieces of it even a week after.

We rarely talk on the phone. It surprised me how well and spontaneous you do it. I always get angry, angry and sulky when something bad happens. But whenever I see your face across the screen, trying to make me laugh effortlessly, all my anger is gone and I can smile again with you.

You always try to hide the deepest problems and scars you've got. You are brave for saying it only after it has been resolved and you feel a bit okay. I wish I could hug you the moment it was hurting. I wish I could do anything to solve the broken things you have been through.

I wish I could hold you tight from the times you hurt your knees and heart. I wish I could kiss all the scars the world has given you. It must have been so hard for you. Whenever you tell me stories of your childhood, and how things were rough for you, even the simplest ones, I cry and thought to myself that you shouldn't have gone through all of those. That's when I know I truly love you. Past stories that don't hurt you anymore, it hurts me.

You remember how you use to write poems for me, right? It was really surprising because you are always conscious on what to write. It makes me so happy that you give me poems wholeheartedly and openly. I guess poems were a way for you to express your feelings for me. Thank you for all the poems, too. Thank you because I get to see your shy face whenever you give it to me, being conscious and excited whenever I read it in front of you.

You rarely say that you really loved me. You rarely express your feelings in words, but when you do, everything else stops and you are the one who's only turning. Amazing, isn't it? But I can see how you loved me. The me that was always struggling. I can see it through your eyes when you kissed me, I can feel it in the warmth of your hugs. I can feel it when you try to intertwine your fingers with me. I can feel it when you cry. I can feel it when you say sorry. I can feel it when you took care of me when I was sick. I can feel it when you always try to come back to me. I can feel it whenever you forgive me. I can feel it whenever you look at me.

Two years, huh? I guess I should've wished that I met you a little earlier, or a little later? Ahhhhh. What do you think? Would things be a little different? But even if it's earlier or later, I think I would've been able to find you. I'll always find you. I know and I can feel it too.

Maybe it's really time now. Maybe you have made up your mind. Maybe I will not be able to feel it again. But I still sleep with the thought of you kissing me and maybe some time soon, I should stop it. I should really stop my mind and heart from it.

Now everything makes sense. I always say that nothing else matters before you and it is true. I know you are the love of my life. My firsts in everything. You gave me the best years of my life, and now that you really left, it gave me the worst. I know I somewhat gave you the worst, too. I ask for forgiveness all the time to every deity and god I know. I will ask for it a million times.

I pray you are not the best that I will ever get. But deep down inside me, I know you are.

Also, it has been two years since we first kissed. I can still feel it. I am still longing for it. But I should stop now. Maybe I should stop thinking of you that way now. Maybe it'll make things easier?

I am now preparing myself for the worst. I know you will be happy soon with another person. I can't say I am not hurt but I hope you will be happy. It will always hurt, but I hope you will always be happy.

I love you, always. It's really time now, right?

[bigcheesecakeface]

Remember the Night (Mitchell Leisen, 1940)

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“and so I named the stars, one by one, after every favorite memory of you.”

— s.s. (stephenstilwell)

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“I’m with you. No matter what else you have in your head I’m with you and I love you.”

— Ernest Hemingway

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Kabi kabilang problema na lang

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now i understand the lyrics

"I pray you're not the best that I will ever get"

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Well it's not enough

“Maybe I’ll see you in another life, if this one wasn’t enough.”

— Florence + the Machine

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Contentment

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Yoko na...... uhhhhh waaaaaaah.

[bigcheesecakeface]

Grabe, ang hirap kapag mag-isa ka lang sa dinadala mo. Hindi mo alam kung ilan buwan pa bago ka sumabog.

Minsan, gusto ko na lamang sabihin na mahina na ako, na hindi ko na kaya, na gusto ko alagaan ako, mahalin ako, gusto ko may sandalan ako.

Pero, wala. Sarili ko lang ang meron ako.

Hindi ako okay. Sana kahit isang araw lang, may magsalba sa akin at mapagsabihan ko ng totoong sakit na nararamdaman ko.

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I hate thinking.

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missnamissnakita

to the point diko na maexpress pa

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sumasabay na naman ang ulan sa aking kalungkutan

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to every god there is,

if no better days are coming,

please help me be the better one...