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Autism Acceptance Day - but what if you don't accept yourself as Autistic

Turns out Depression has been hiding in amongst it all as well. Went back to therapist (under pain of pain) . Expressed that it didn't seem worthwhile, as I probably don't have ASD or ADHD, I am just acting as if I do - or it is somethign else - but it isn't important because it is me. And I have figured out how to be productive, so that is sufficient.

Her repsonse was that she has known me for over 10 years (as my daughter's therapist) - and from our recent work - and it is definitely ASD and ADHD.

The feeling that it isn't, and thus that it isn't worth seeking help over, is pure depression defence mechanism.

So now I have "recognising depression" homework to add to my "ASD / ADHD" homework. And some anti-sabotage homework.

Today - lots of "Authentic Autism" posts. I was going to join in, but then spent an hour looking into when I was diagnosed and what the comments were. To complete the sentence "I was diagnosed in ..." month "as a 52 year old". given that it took me an hour to write the first sentence, I couldn't figure out what banner to use and whether to make it a LinkedIn post or article (or what the difference was) - I flagged it away.

Just writing it here so that I don't end up emailing my therapist or my boss, messaging anyone or using the work ND boards to bleat.

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I am bad, but that is ok

Have not gone to therapy in a while, because trying to save money. Last session was around identifying where my negative self thoughts are originating from. Apparently later ones will be around addressing these thoughts and improving outlook on life.

My current state of mind is that the darkness is winning, protecting itself by justifying not going to therapy. But, I recognise that the darkness is winning and where some of the more destructive thoughhts are based. Doesn't stop me from thinking the thoughts or believing them, but there is at least now a layer watching me think the thoughts and believe the thoughts and understanding that the thoughts are emotionally wrong even if they are "logically" right.

There is, however, an extra layer forming (or a resurgence of the first) that says that the layer understanding that the thoughts are wrong is, in itself, wrong - and that the thoughts are right.

So the first and third layers want me to just keep doing tasks to "achieve value" while the second wants me to relax and "experience worth". So far, the reasonable layer is out-experienced by the first layer and outnumbered by the third, so work it is.

At least the suicide layer is taking a break for the moment. No, wait, there it is. Bugger.

I find that if anyone expresses interest, I then become a ranting, rambling menace at them, particulalry in emails and chats. So Tumblr is a good space for this to just be able to get the thoughts out without bothering anyone else.

Thanks for the outlet.

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HOW?

I see posts from people who have been depressed, suicidal, intrusive thoughts who say that their outlook has improved.

I have been told that I am not depressed, just that I have a negative schema associated with ASD / ADHD. Therapy has identified a couple of key developemntal milestones that have established these patterns of thought. Therapy has also identified that I am extremely practiced at not feeling things - call it alexithymia.

So I know that the negative self thoughts come from things that happened in my childhood. Given that this pattern of thinking has been around for pretty much all of my life, how is it ever going to be different?

What even will different look and feel like?

How can I get to different if I can't even comprehend what it even looks like or feels like. I know that any bursts of "this might be nice" are quickly squashed by the "yes, but you will suck at it and no-one will even notice your failure, so why bother".

Apparently the continuous loop of "you suck, try harder, why bother, you are a failure" - some people don't have. What do they have in their minds instead?

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Just noise

The dark voices are winning again. Therapist was making sense in identifying where the dark thoughts are coming from - but that just makes them now seem even more reasonable and logical.

My thought that suicide isn't that big of a deal comes from early childhood experience of losing two infant sisters, that were never mentioned or brought up again. That has set the expectation that if you die, then no one has to think of you or acknowledge your existence or your passing.

Which to my ASD seems entirely reasonable, as all future losses have been met with "don't keep banging on about it - do the funeral then move on".

My occasional bouts of adequacy are explained away by the dark voices as the ADHD causing sudden focus and achievement - but that don't worry it will soon pass and you will return to failure.

And that, in all things, that I don't matter and shouldn't have an opinion or a voice as it will be either wrong, irrelevant or just plain stupid.

The pain which I had been living with in my arm for decades and seemed to be sorted with surgery has returned since I have been trying to be productive at work and ignoring my rehab. So obviously pain is deserved and right, and that it returns because I am failing to do rehab just reinforces that I can't achieve anything long term - so why bother.

Should be doing exercise or swimming to get the weight off (lost 10kg over 2 years, stopped exercising with the surgery restrictions, put 15 kg back on in 4 months). Can't go swimming as no-one needs to see this body in the water first thing in the morning, and if anyone else is swimming then they won't want to share lanes with me because I am so slow as well. So I would be paying to just walk in, get wet (maybe) then leave again because I don't deserve to have a swim. And going for a walk would need to be done super early in the morning to not disrupt anyone else's exercise - and would be a bad thing for even more people to see.

Used to write these feelings in long emails to my therapist or my boss to explain where things were at. But my boss just needs me to work, and my therapist pointed out to my wife during one of her sessions that the emails are not for her to worry about until a session, so what's the point in writing them.

So- tumblr - here we are shouting into the void.

A permanent failure, masquerading as a human.

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Brain says no therapy

Have a session planned with therapist, now finding all kinds of excuses no to go. If I go, I might tell her how I actually feel - and that would be a bad thing.

But be good for her to be prepared to support my wife and daughter to move on. My "negative world view" (officially not depression) is just dragging them down - they deserve better.

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Pain vs hopelessness

All the anti suicide stuff I see and hear is "the pain goes away, be strong and life will go back to wonderful".

But I don't feel pain - just a realisation that with my ASD I don't feel anything and don't matter - just needlessly consuming time and resources that others deserve more.

I have - by most measures - a good life, but I just know that I don't deserve any of it and that my wife, daughter and work all deserve the opportunity to find those better people without me holding them back.

With my ADHD hyperfocus, I have figured out a plan which will work, be tidy, not put anyone else in danger and have minimal impact.

I had planned this previously, then reached out for help instead. I now realise that was just me continuing to fail, rather than surviving.

Life was never wonderful. It was never anything. It just was. My family and work deserve better.

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Effective - bastard cousin of "should"

Should talk to therapist, but she will just get sad.

Trying hard but losing ground at work - went so much better when i wasn't there. just creating jobs and occupying space at home, can't even shower without someone to help cover my cast up.

Not effective at work, not relevant or effective at home. Therapist asked wife and I why we were together - answer was pretty much we each thought the other could do much better so were delighted they had settled for us. Difference is I *know* wife can do better.

Pretty much decided that she should have the opportunity.

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Surgery done - now even more useless

Surgery was approved by insurers at the 11th hour, so fully covered (in the R.O.W sense of didn't have to pay anything - not the USA sense of I get to pay 5 times as much.

Surgeon confirmed that wrist was structurally fucked, but he has been able to drain, realign, reattach and straighten as planned. A month in a full arm cast to prevent using the wrist to allow it to stabilise and heal before going to forearm cast to gradually reintroduce movement.

I can work one handed (in IT - haveh left handed keyboard so pretty much functional). But at home am pretty much unable to even assist with the moost mundane things i used to take care of.

I can tell that my wife is getting frustrated after only a fortnight - still effectively got 5 weeks left. She is getting shit from her work as well - making me re-evaluate whether activating the life insurance payout for her would be the most useful thing i can actually do for her.

Therapist back from holiday, but can't talk to her until casts come off - unable to drive as such. But I know that her view is likely to be along the lines of it being an unsuitable response to the situation - so not really much point anyway.

Took 2 weeks off work - so much more got done wiith me gone than when I was there doing it- so reinforces my earlier thinking that work would be better served by my permanent absence to allow them to hire someone effective.

My daughter is in the middle of exams, so thinking she wouldnt need the distraction of funeral and such, so will leave it unil she finishes them. Late November looks like a good date. Exams over, not holiday season as such so won't ruin xmas, means should be able to get payout and new life squared away before school resumes in late Jan / early Feb.

The mechanism I had worked through but not executed last year has been refined a little to protect and inform those discovering the scene so I am confident that there should be the minimum of fuss and disruption.

Wish me luck.

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"Deserve" - you arsehole concept

I get satisfaction out of working on vehicles. I fail at it in that I often have to do things more than once and it is too expensive to have a project car anymore - so I don't deserve to even try.

I like to watch motorsport - with a significant event being broadcast soon which we used to take a day off to watch. But it now requires purchasing the broadcast - so I don't deserve to spend the few dollars or to take the time to sit and watch.

Because I have a DIY project that I still haven't managed to finish, and there are about another 50 things that I "should" be doing instead.

My wife will probably say on Sunday "isn't this on, why aren't we watching it". I will then justify that we have stuff to do and it costs money and she will get grumpy at me for not just doing it. I won't use the "deserve" word, beause that triggers her a bit. Or "should" - but she hasn't properly twigged to that one yet.

So that will then create the conflict of "I want to watch it, but I should do something else, but my wife will be grumpy if I do something else, but if I watch it then I will feel guilty for not doing something else and enjoying watching it".

I am worried also that I am too lazy anyway, and that if I do relax for a day I will enjoy it too much and then want to spend more time relaxing instead of achieving. I have far too much I should be doing to be spending time not doing anything.

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Double edged sword

I know that I have plans and strategies that help. I also know that I self-sabotage to avoid using those strategies so that I can fail - so that I can justify my sense of low self esteem.

It is as if knowing that I have an issue becomes the justification for continuing the negative behaviours. It is no longer "I fail because I am useless" it is now "ah, yes, the professionals have agreed that you are broken, therefore you don't need to keep trying to succeed".

Despite the actual conversations being "you have achieved a lot in spite of your condition and with additional coping strategies you could continue to achieve without killing yourself" (figuratively and literally).

My brain seems to interpret that as "aha - see - you are fucked - why bother". Followed by "you know you can do this, but you didn't, so they must be wrong - you are just a fuck up".

How can I actually make this work? Get my brain to instead of focussing on the "you are going to fail, because the things you aren't doing aren't working", to focus on the "just do this thing, then the other things happen".

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Thanks anxious brain

Is a fine day - with scaffolding on limited hire and lots to do on DIY. But it is a work day - so must work. But will be doing extra work later because that's what I do.

So brain is battling itself 3 ways. Is fine, so must do DIY and work can wait. Work can wait, but my value is in doing work, so I must do that while I am awake - even at night. But at night I must relax, but I should work because that's what generates value.

My decades of "achievement based" programming is struggling to compensate for trying to include other stuff. Relaxing is a valid use of time (apparently) - but just makes me feel guilty so isn't very relaxing.

Boss just told me off for not doing outside stuff while sunny - so that might help me progress that.

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TLDR of previous post

Sorry - just realised my posts are outrageously long.

TLDR of my life - tried but failed

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Finally getting it

I have just realised why I always put the pressure on myself to do everything at work and at home. Because when I ask for someone else to do the job, gather the information, provide updates - nothing ever happens.

Which - as a supposed manager - causes issues when not only are jobs that you are in charge of not done but you have no updates on progress until you actually go and find the info yourself.

Boss says "you do too much, you should hand stuff off". Then the stuff doesn't get done and I get even more stressed because now not only am I having to wait on others for stuff to get done, but I end up having to do it myself anyway but with much less time. Then deal with a boss who is annoyed that a) the job has taken so long, b) i didn't successfully manage the other person to do the job c) it is late and d) the other person is saying that they weren't that busy but that my job hadn't been done anyway.

At home is similar - daughter has a list of jobs she is responsible for. If she doesn't do them (or does them poorly) the wife gets very grumpy. So I do them so that the wife doesn't get grumpy - heaven help me if I should ask the daughter to get off her phone and lend a hand - the eye rolling, huffing and "I was just going to - jeez" is just not worth it.

Then the wife gets grumpy because I have done the daughter's jobs. And the daughter gets grumpy because "she was just about to if I had just given a chance". Despite the job sitting there for a couple of hours before I get into it.

Boss keeps gettign me to hand off the "grunt work" I am doing to free me up to do "more value add tasks like generating more work from customers" - but if I drop the grunt work it doesn't get done. And if I do find more work, it doesn't get done either. So I then have to try and get senior leadership to get staff to do what I have asked - which then happens - reinforcing the feeling of being irrelevant.

At home the DIY project I have managed to get a professional lined up for next weekend to do some skilled stuff. Which if it comes to pass will mean that one of my planned dates is looking open. But my daughter's exams are coming up at that stage and she is likely to get all distracted - and her marks aren't good enough to have that happen. But it could be the shot in the arm she needs to actually buckle down and get shit done in terms of getting study done, gettign out and gettign a part time job and cracking in and helping out around the house without me doing all her jobs for her.

Just confirms that I am just occupying space, accomplishing fuck all and with no ability to effectively ask for help in the work or at home.

I got asked the other day what hobbies I have. I used to go fishing - but don't catch fish so don't do that any more. Used to have a car to work on, but couldn't earn enough so had to sell it (and wasn't that good at it anyway). I got a bass guitar to learn that - but I am too fat and can't reach around to play it properly so that just sits there. So - in essence - my hobby is the same as my work - failing to achieve.

I rant on here because otherwise I vent at my friends, my boss or my therapist - and they don't want to hear this shit. They just need me to achieve stuff - which I don't do - so there it is.

For my wife, her parents both dies at this time of year so Ineed ot be sure to avoid their death dates as she is sad enough on those dates without having two deaths to think of at the same time.

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Pretty much rooted now

Was feeling ok about not feeling ok about work - that I understand that I feel like I fail all the time, but that I do a good enough job that I am not in danger of losing it.

That my jobs around the house for when i am "relaxing" that I will load too many in, so that I can't achieve them all, so that I can fail at achieving and then fail at relaxing as well.

That the DIY major project is going to be not right, not straight and not perfect - but that it will be measured and made to the best of my limited ability and will probably be standing long after I am gone (over engineered by an actual architect and built over and above that).

But I have just found out that one of the work tasks I had actually managed to achieve was done in exactly backwards to what the customer wanted. No effort spent by anyone else yet, but a week long job needs to be re-done for tomorrow.

My attempts to let others own their tasks and provide me updates rather than owning everyone else's failures by not letting them manage themselves has fallen over to the extent that a major deadline has been missed and two further projects now impacted. Is letting someone else have the ability to fail, and them taking it, even more of a failure for me because I now have to not only recover their initial failure but the subsequent flow on failures?

And the major DIY project is now looking like it might not get completed this year. I was going to have an actual competent and experienced person come in and give me a hand to complete the last major task (the steel roof) - the point of the whole project. This weekend was recovering from my failure to notice that the lumber yard had sent the wrong sized timber that prevented me from getting ready to put the roof on this weekend. So by next weekend should be at a point where the roof can go on. But it will be windy and rainy (according to extended forecast). The following weekend, a different team are coming in to fix a fence that was broken, that I am not even goign to atempt. So leaves the following weekend. After that I have a weekend away booked with my wife and another couple to see a show. The week after that - I go in for arm surgery that will mean i will be in a cast for two months nad then a year's rehab after that. We can't even get builders in to finish it off, as there are none free at the moment - it is at least 6 months to even get one to come and quote on a job - and the ones that are able to come that quickly are generally free for a reason.

The arm surgery itself is also probably going to fall apart somehow. Initial funding was denied by the government agency that normally funds such things. The work insurance plan I top up to cover absolutely everything is now looking unlikely to pay (they have a 2 day turnaround expectation, it has been over a week with nothing). If they decline, then the surgery is off - and I go back to just sucking painkillers to be able to work and function.

Fortunately - it turns out that being ADHD for me apparently means that narcotic "high" doesn't happen - so I don't run the same risk of becoming addicted to opiod painkillers as they just dull pain rather than making me feel good. I could never understand why people were all "give me the drugs - feels wonderful" when the best I could hope for was the edge off the pain and nausea.

This coming weekend is due to rain. If the weekend after the other team coming in to work is wet, (and my surgery isn't yet cancelled or moved out) then $30K of materials and labor has been wasted. The wet empty weekend then becomes a date that would seem suitable to allow the family to cash in on the life insurance to be able to pay a builder to come in and finish, and not have to take time off to look after me with an arm out of action so I will be even less productive and effective.

Which is interesting, because that would make it almost exactly a year since the date that I had first planned to take my own life - but reached out for help instead. A year later, the help and therapy has identified that I have ADHD / ASD, that I don't have depression (probably) - just a "depressive schema". That talking to my therapist will help identify ways that I have negative thoughts and can move towards not being so hard on myself.

After a year - I have spent a bunch of money on therapy and medication and can't point to feeling permanently better about anything. When I do think "oh, actually this is ok" - it promptly blows up in my face and feels twice as bad - because I didn't feel bad about it in the first place and now there is an even worse outcome to now have to manage.

After a year - I intellectually know that my view on my productivity, effectiveness and ability doesn't match the view of others. I also "know" however that they are being kind to make me achieve for them, that therapists and psychologists are paid to say nice things and that my family has only ever had me doing things for them, so they have a really low bar of what "success" is. My daughter keeps buying me "great dad" products and making cards that say that I am wonderful - but she has only ever known life with me as a father. I am sure that if my wife was to meet someone else, they would be much better for the family than I am - more able to show love and emotion, more giving, more successful and less of a failure.

I don't understand how therapy is supposed to work in terms of making me feel better - or what better even means. After a year, I have realised that I don't even have a concept of what it means to succeed. That everything I do is not acceptable to me in terms of duration, outcome, effectiveness, perfection, or being as good as what anyone else could achieve. My therapist says it is a process to undo decades of built in negative self talk. In my work and my world, processes are series of regulated and effective steps that ensure a consistency of outcome. This process doesn't seem to consist of steps, the outcome is nebulous at best so how can you be sure the "process" will achieve it and no one seems to be able to articulate what the process actually is. Does that mean that even my understanding of the word "process" itself is a failure? Or that I am just burning through the family's money on a fool's errand?

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that removing me from the equation just frees up resources, stops bothering others and means that time, money and more effective and suitable people can take over the roles and tasks that I am failing at.

I have figured out a suitable date that will work in with my wife's work schedule and daughter's holidays. My wife has already booked a couple of days to run me in and out of hospital for surgery and look after me for a couple of days - so that would work for organising funeral instead. The car is due for a service shortly thereafter - but she will probably not want to keep hold of it, so that will free up a bit more again.

If the surgery is canned and the weather improves, then completing the project will have to happen first, and in that case the fall back date is a month or so later to avoid disrupting my daughter's exams.

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Am I failing just because I can't imagine success

Latest therapy session - acknowledge that everything I do is a failure. Because no matter what I achieve it could be done better, sooner, more capably by someone else. That anything finished isn't perfect so will need to be fixed, redone or lived with as not right but too late to make right.

That I avoid having slightly awkward conversations becuase I imagine all the ways it could go wrong and that the coversation could be a drama. Then it becomes a huge issue and the conversation is a big drama and I go "see - I knew it was a big drama". Not letting it ever not be a big drama.

The therapist says " do other people succeed". Yes, becuase they have achieved enough of whatever task they have that it is doing what it needed to do. Do other people fail. No, because if they don't achieve, it is because the process failed them because I haven't got the process right or I didn't ensure that they had everything they needed to succeed . So in any case it is my failure, not theirs.

Follow up question "What does you succeeding look like?". She looked distressed when I didn't even understand the concept of me succeeding at something. When I said eventually that I can't even imagine what that looks like, she was properly upset.

And work just confirms that. Even things that I achieve either don't have the desired outcome, or goes wrong anyway, or isn't relevant by the time i complete it.

And the arm surgery may not happen after all - the approval which should take two days hasn't had any feedback after a week - so my expectation is that I have somehow got either the proces wrong or there is some reason why it will be declined. And that is ok because constant pain is an acceptable situation for me to be in - I don't deserve to be pain free if it puts anyone out to make it happen.

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Progress, but not really

Decision finally on arm surgery. After 9 months the govt insurance scheme (ACC) said no to the arm surgery. Told my surgeon, one day later the private medical insurance is 100% funding the surgery and a tentative date is booked.

But the tentative date is the same time as a workmate is also going in for surgery - so my first thought is that I should put my surgery back for at least a month so that work isn't inconvenienced by having us both out at the same time. and his surgery is way more significant than mine.

He will be out of actin for at least a month - where mine is a rebuilt / rework of my wrist / arm. Should be in and out in a day. My wife thinks I should take a week off to figure out pain level / drugs / how to function. I already have a bunch of stuff set up for working with only one arm (as currently is often too sore to use anyway). So I agree with her that I am going to need to take a few days - but know that I will be checking emails same day and probably working full time again within 2 or 3.

Boss has been trying to get me to wind back my anxiety levels by getting me to refocus on just core tasks. That now makes me realise that I have been underperforming on core tasks while panicking about all the extraneous ones that could have been left / farmed out / were for someone else (but no-one knows who).

These were tasks that needed doing (and still do) - but have been hard for me to do because a) i spin in panic and don't do anything well b) I don't get how to do them or where to get the info because it is theoretically not something I should know and c) when the stuff I should be doing goes critical - i then have to jump around even more.

And then I go into "overload shutdown" and get hugely distracted because I can't concentrate on doing anything, so do nothing. Then panic about doing nothing, so try and do everything. Then miss deadlines or feel like I am "phoning in" shit work to just get stuff out the door.

Then feel like I am a fraud and a failure because when I do get somethign done quickly and to a good standard I am like "so why can't I do this all the time - there wouldn't be any time pressure if you just kept doing this". Then figure out that there are a hundred things I should be doing and go back to panicking again.

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Still no nice things - but with added drama

So work didn't fuck up the weekend, our ASD / ADHD did. Was meant to have nice family shopping trip. Daughter (17) got overwhelmed who snapped at wife who lost her shit so we all had to go back home having spent money on motel, meals, some shopping for wife and daughter and losing a weekend that could have been spend getting jobs done.

Then had to spend Monday recovering family from NT wife realising that this is as good as it gets with a ND family.

So rest of week is now trying to catch up on all the jobs that didn't get done on the weekend, didn't get done on Monday and are unlikely to get done thyis weekend because the shopping that was supposed to happen last weekend still needs doing.

I spent a day thinking that I finally had a handle on my task anxiety - balancing expectations, workload, effort, anxiety, etc. Making progress. Then had a bunch of meetings front up.

Then realised that the reason I thought things were going well is that I had missed off a whole bunch of household stuff, that then loaded it onto my wife who came home from work late, sore and needing a break but with household stuff not done.

Added to the mix is that a decision on surgery to correct an old arm injury which causes constant pain and discomfort has been finally made - it isn't covered by govt scheme. A good thing because the decision means that I can now ask my insurance to do so (couldn't even ask while govt decision pending since last Nov). Now checking into insurance process, you need to give them a date for the procedure for them to approve it. But you can't book the procedure without them approving it first. Heller would be proud of them.

Last night instead of relaxing tried to get back into catching up on work stuff, only to disappear down fecking youtube video rabbit holes again. Found new band - added them to my distraction music. But about 2 hours wasted that I didn't need gone.

So got up early this morning to try and make time back. Got most of chores done (that I could without waking up daughter) and then got sucked into Meme sites. So now sleepless, behind schedule, in pain, shut in office and stressed that the plans I know work I will ignore because I like to set myself up to fail.

I know that picking 5 tasks, setting up timers and taking pauses works. I also know that when I get in this state, I will just freak and try and do it all at once, achieve nothing, add tasks on and then rinse and repeat.

And the wife will then get all worried about my mental state and want me to relax, but then it makes me more anxious because now I am upsetting her as well as failing at work as well as failing to get stuff done around the house.

She expressed during our big air clearing session that she would be devastated if anythign happened to daughter or myself. But then says that the jobs that I am working on we should get people in to do them so that they get done quickly and properly. Which requires money.

We do have the money - just got a bonus at work - but there would be so much more if she could collect on my life insurance, and I would also then not be upsetting her; by not sharing emotions (that I don't understand in myself, let alone know how to share), and by not supporting her as a person. She could then find someone who can be supportive, duaghter would have to communicate with her rather than the two of them communicating through me, and daughter would have to become more self reliant and pitch in more.

I keep seeing all these plus sides for the family and for work if I step aside - but keep getting told it would be a bad thing. But I don't know how to get to the place where I am the person they want and need me to be.

Therapist says it is a process, but I don't even understand what it is I am aiming for. How to tell that I have finished the task of therapy. I know I am winning it because my therapist cries sometimes at what I am telling her.

Sorry for the rant - I do this instead of unloading on my boss, my ND relatives or my wife. She wants me to tell her stuff, but then when I do she looks bothered by it.