biandaceconfessions

[biandaceconfessions]

hi!! i recently discovered im a baby bi, but instead of joyous i feel scared. i've had deep feelings for people of all genders before, but i never let it grow because i felt dirty. i have friends and cousins who would support me, but my parents wouldnt and i dont know how i'll ever have the courage to live the life i want. how do i convince myself that its okay to be a woman who doesnt only like men?

Hey there nonnie!

Figuring out your sexuality can definitely be an emotional journey, and not one that is always immediately happy or offers a sense of relief. It's definitely unfortunate that we still live in a world where being non-heterosexual can be scary, but that doesn't mean it's hopeless.

I think the most important thing as you're gaining a better understanding of yourself is that it's only the beginning. You don't have to make any grand plans or have any difficult conversations right now. You can take some time for yourself and just let that knowledge sit for a little bit. You don't even have to comment on it or analyze it, just try and find some comfort that you understand yourself a little bit more than you had before.

Beyond that, it's really just about taking it one day at a time. You may find that as you recognize this part of yourself a little more every day, you can accept yourself and become more comfortable with things.

If you're able to access any community resources, finding a local lgbtq+ organization may be a great way to meet new people and have a space to talk about your fears and anxieties surrounding your identity.

For a lot of people, courage comes with time. It can definitely feel daunting this early on, but that doesn't mean it's going to be like that forever. Finding yourself a solid support network and friends you can rely on and talk to can help make things a lot less scary.

[biandaceconfessions]

I just found out that a classmate of is asexual

day: improved

(no but i was SO happy because i have never met someone asexual in real life, to think that a few minutes ago she was offering me blackberries and now we are from the same community)

Hey that's awesome!

It's always great when you have the chance to meet someone from the same community. It's certainly a bonding experience for us all! Especially when it happens in real life!

Sounds like it really was a good day. You found another ace in the wild, and got osme blackberries!

[biandaceconfessions]

I knew since I was 14 that I would be alone, in my life. It's been 14 years since then and the pain from wanting to be loved, having a partner still breaks me down. It's so stupid, i always knew and I've been told, that it's a stupid wish. But I want to be loved not out of a sense of responsability. But I wish I could be important to someone, a priority, a love for someone and i could Respect and love back on the same way. I'm ace, i figured that some years ago and I just can't do a normal relationship, and it breaks me. I try to forget my wish, been trying to. But I still remember sometimes and the pain of wanting love, a hug and holding hand, it's just to excruciating it breaks my heart everytime I forget how to ignore the pain. I'm sorry for sending something so depressing. But I think it's time to let it out. It's been too long to pretend I can carry this by myself anymore, at least anonymously, to people who could understand a little how it feels, I have to let it out. I'm sorry

For those who want love too. I wish you a lot of love and warmth, my message could be triggering to someone. I'm sorry for that, truly.

Hey there nonnie,

These feelings you're experience are definitely heavy, but you aren't the only one who feels this way, and you certainly don't have to carry these feelings alone.

Whenever I see relationships in stories or shows that are very sweet and fulfilling, I definitely get a little bit of an ache in my chest because it looks nice to have someone you can be with and rely on, but in the end it doesn't seem like something I'll ever have in my life.

I have some great friends who I love and enjoy spending time with, but it's always going to be different.

I really do hope that you're able to one day find a relationship that fulfills you in the way you need. But in the meantime, you're definitely not alone and all of us are here to support each other during our journeys.

[biandaceconfessions]

reading Dune made me realize I was ace. idk what it was about the story but it opened my eyes immensely. I love being ace but for some reason now my friends expect me to be aro as well

Hey there, nonnie!

How we understand our sexuality can come in a lot of different ways, but I definitely think stories play a large part in helping us understand ourselves.

A lot of where the ace and aro expectation comes from is that there is still a big assumption that sexual and romantic attraction are supposed to be the same. While they can be related for a lot of people, they don't always go hand-in-hand and can be surprisingly different when it comes down to it!

I know it sucks when it feels like we have to educate the people around us, but I hope that your friends can learn that just because you're asexual, that doesn't mean you have to be aromantic as well. You're you, and you're going to be unique in your own way when it comes to your relationships.

[biandaceconfessions]

Hiii! So um, here's the thing... I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual with a slight preference for men, but... I'm confused, because I don't really know if I'm just a regular bi alloromantic person who hasn't met ✨the one✨ or if I actually am somewhere in the arospec...?

See, what happens with me is that I was raised in a rather traditional family, open-minded, but traditional in the sense of, you know, settling down with a romantic partner some day and making a family, and that idea never really bothered me, it's always been just kinda there like- yeah it would be nice if that happened to me too I guess. The idea of romance itself isn't exactly something I dislike...? I enjoy reading romance stories, like fanfiction and visual novels, I can even picture myself in those situations with fictional characters and all! But then sometimes I watch kiss scenes on movies and tv shows and I kinda just feel... Cringe? The same cringe feeling comes when I listen to the people I know talking about their relationships and crushes, whether or not they're having problems, and I understand that it surely must be hard and even somewhat painful if they're in a bad situation... It kinda feels like they're taking it too seriously, making a big deal out of something that doesn't look like it should be so,,, idk, relevant...?

That, and I've never really been sure if I've ever had a crush on someone. I always say yes, I've had 3. But I was in middle school, and my "crush" back then was a guy in my class who I looked at once in the middle of the first year and said yeah he looks kinda cool and he likes some stuff i like, i should pick him as a crush. From then on, I don't know if I actually ever liked him or of I was just repeating it to myself that I liked him. The other two were girls who I only ever looked at during lunch in highschool a couple times and thought they were hot. But even with the guy, who I even confessed to at some point and he surprisingly liked me too, I never really thought I wanted a relationship...? I literally just told him I didn't have anything else to say and went home because- what was I supposed to do? He didn't pressure me for anything later so that was cool but, no one else ever said anything to me about wanting a relationship with me and I didn't either, so I don't have any experience outside of fictional love stories, and sometimes I think, well maybe it's just because I need to meet more people! But then again I look at the people I know who are in relationships and I just... Don't get it. I can barely even say I "had" a crush and I'm not even sure that's true. My best friend said she liked me last year, and she's told me she'd been sending hints for me to know it, but I never got it and that's how she just sat me down one day and went directly: I think I like someone. That someone is you.

I didn't get it, still don't, we're still best friends and all and she's now in a relationship with someone else, but she really said I should've noticed that she liked me back then because she was flirting and I just didn't notice...? I don't know, honestly.

I'm pretty sure I don't know what it feels like being in love or having a genuine crush that you don't consciously choose.

But I like romance as in, I like romantic stories, I enjoy reading those character x you scenarios because that makes me feel something akin to those feelings. But I've never really had that kind of feeling for anyone at all. I know that the lyrics to romantic songs are things people can relate to, I know it and understand why someone would relate to them! But I don't really get it at the same time when I think of me, in real life with a real person or how would I get to that point with someone.

And still, I'm a writer. I write romances because it's fun, I guess. I've never been in love, but the people who have read what I wrote say they can't believe me, that I must have experience because I capture their emotions so well and express things they've been through perfectly.

Meanwhile I'm just sitting, wondering if that's truly how people who love romantically feel like or if it's just like how I write it, just something that sounds nice and would be nice if it happened, but it somehow feels like it can't.

But anyway, I'm still young. I guess I have a lot of time to explore more and figure out what's going on with me and my lack of romantic experiences that most people my age seem to already have like it's some sort of checklist lol

It makes me kinda sad not knowing, honestly :( I'm just very confused, ngl.

Hey there nonnie!

I can understand where you coming from quite a bit. There are lots of times when I know I like the idea of romance and having a partner, but there's never been anyone I felt strongly attracted to and even then I've only had one relationship that lasted 3 months and I'm 26.

It can be sad and confusing now knowing what's up with yourself. Especially when so many other people seem to have it figured out, but in reality that's a big ol' lie. Hardly anyone knows what they're doing and most people just have the illusion of having their shit together.

I've also learned that I don't really believe in the idea of finding "the one" because people have meaningful relationships and end those relationships and start new ones all the time. I think it's more finding people who are right for you in the moment and being able to adapt and change alongside them as you grow and experience more of life.

You're definitely not alone in your feelings or experiences. I know it's hard and scary, but if you can find some comfort in your uncertainty, it might make things feel less like a burden. But all in all, I think the most important thing is to do what makes you happy and if that's not a relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make your life any less fulfilling or meaningful. As long as you're happy, I think that's most important.

<3 Mod Ace

[biandaceconfessions]

Hello :)

I am biromantic aegosexual and I write fanfics for fun. I wanna try writing smut but I feel like it won't be realistic, because I have no experience and I don't want to have any.

I can write about murder fine without committing one, but a sex scene is very different to write, and I know I would be too scared to post any, because there would be many unrealistic stuff people would mock me about..

Hey there nonnie!

I don't think your romantic or sexual attraction really determines your ability to write realistic sex scenes. Like anything else, it takes time and practice. You might think it's unrealistic at first, but if you keep at it, you can definitely improve.

If you have any fics you've read that include sex scenes, you could use those to help you frame your own writing to begin with and learn what works and what doesn't. I think as you delve into it and have a better understanding of the process, it'll become less scary. :D

[biandaceconfessions]

Hi :) I’m bi and my best friend (of 12 years) is ace, I thought I’d had a crush on her for a while but I’m confused why/if I rly do. For some background info I have ptsd from SA so I either swing from hyper sexual to sex repulsed which would make things difficult. I’d recently decided I need a new start and have been applying for jobs in a new city and started dating again and I was fine with that. I’d miss her but it’s what I needed. Last night however, she messages me that she things we’d be good together and I was happy but I know logically we wouldn’t work (we have different lifestyles and want different futures) so I entertained the idea but kept it jokey. I haven’t told her about the the planned move and I was drunk at the time when she messaged me. She’s the person I love most in this world but I don’t know in what way - I don’t feel close to many people so I’m unsure whether I love her platonically or if I’m in love with her or I love how safe she makes me feel. I really don’t want to lose her so I have to tread carefully. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hey there nonnie! That's definitely a tough situation to be in. I know you don't want to lose her, but I think it might benefit you both to sit down and have a serious talk about things: both her message that she thinks the two of you would be good together, and your feelings on needing a new start.

I know that's a very difficult conversation to have and getting your fresh start and some distance might be what you need to better understand what feelings you have for her, but I think waiting until the last minute to tell her about your plans to move could feel like you're blindsiding her and cause more tension or a possible rift between the two of you.

Maybe to better understand what your feelings are, you could compare things to the other close relationships you have. Even if they aren't exactly the same, consider what similarities the relationships hold. If you have any ideas of what you would like to have from your friend that could help too. Do you just like having her there as a security measure and for comfort because you know she'll be a strong support pillar? Or do you want to go out on dates and maybe snuggle, kiss, or hold hands? Not that snuggling and holding hands is inherently romantic, but framing it in that way could help you gain some more perspective.

I hope this helps and good luck with everything!

[biandaceconfessions]

Warning for internalised aphobia!!!

I'm pretty sure im aroace and instead of feeling liberate by figuring that out I feel...scared? I feel broken. I feel like there's something not clicking in my brain and it feels like I'm missing something! And I know that's an awful way to think about myself because I'd never tell another aroace person that they're broken! But for some reason I feel that way towards myself. I'm scared.

Hey there nonnie,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling scared and uncertain, but I think it can be a hard space to navigate. We all have our own idealized selves and the kinds of things we want to accomplish in our lives, and when we don't meet those expectations or manage to achieve our goals in a certain amount of time, we can be let down or think there's something wrong with us.

And maybe you do have a correct understanding of your identity, but there could still be some stuff left to explore. You might still be missing something that could give you a clearer picture or you might not. In either case, that's okay! Life is all about being a self-discovery.

I hope you can find a place that offers comfort. If that's here, I'm glad we can be there for you. And if it's not, I'm glad you have some people you can lean on and talk to.

<3 Mod Ace

[biandaceconfessions]

Hi. So a few months ago I sort of kind of came out to my then best friend about being ace (told her I thought I was) and she replied with something along the lines of “well I don’t think you are, maybe you feel like that because you’ve never been in a relationship / the right one” and I didn’t realize until very recently, after I stopped talking to her, how invalidating that is and how it makes me doubt myself so much and want to never tell anyone else that ever again. I stopped talking to her because I realized I couldn’t trust her — she told me about someone from our high school that came out to her, which I don’t think was okay of her to tell me at all and it was what prompted me to tell her my own thing in the first place (literally don’t know why I trusted her with this I’m si dumb) And I cant tell anyone why I cut her off even though mutual friends might wonder and idk feeling a lot of feelings lately sorry for venting

Hey there, nonnie. Don't worry about venting, here. We want you to feel comfortable having a place to come to and talk about things.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No one ever deserves to have their identity called into question. You know yourself better than anyone else and your feelings should always be supported.

But it's okay to feel like you were a little blind in trusting her. It can be hard to see that sometimes. I've had my own moments where I've wondered what I was thinking. It's always easier to analyze the situation when you've had some distance when it seems so normal in the moment.

Friendships when they fall apart can be so hard to navigate, because you have to deal with your own feelings, but everyone else's curiosity as well. Just know, that even if they want to know why, you don't owe them an explanation and could say nothing more than you don't want to talk about it at the moment. And they'll hopefully respect your wishes and give you some space on the issue.

I hope things work out in a way that's best for you. You're welcome to some internet hugs if you need them.

<3 Mod Ace

[biandaceconfessions]

[feel free to delete if you don't accept NSFW posts!] I'm in my 20s and have variously identified as lesbian, ace, and most recently bi. I'm interested in a male friend I've known for years, but the "mechanics" are making me anxious--I've never had sex with a guy before. What if I hate it? I'm terrified of fundamentally altering our relationship and then going back and saying "oh, nvm, your junk doesn't work for me." (I know the answer is to communicate, but I'm dying just writing this...)

Hey there, nonnie!

Yes, you are absolutely right, you should communicate about this.

But it's perfectly fine that you're feeling anxious about having sex with a guy when you've never done it before. But, I think what's important to think about first is if you're only interested in him to try sex, or if you want to have a romantic relationship, too. Because if you want a romantic relationship then you'll have a different connection that isn't just reliant on one activity which you may or may not enjoy in the end.

If you do want a romantic relationship, too, then I think you can spend some time getting familiar with each other in that new space before you have to dive into things. I would hope it would also give you time to share your concerns and worries and that he'd be the kind of guy who would be open to listening and understanding boundaries so if it turns out it doesn't work for you, it's not going to break your relationship.

On the other hand, if it is just going to be a sexual relationship, it's also one where boundaries need to be put in place for both of you so it can be enjoyable or you know when to stop if it's not.

In either case, yes the bottom line is to talk to each other. And it might seem awkward, but that's just societal conditioning talking and the more you do it, the easier it's going to be.

<3 Mod Ace

[biandaceconfessions]

I have identified as ace for quite some time, unsure if I felt sexual attraction or not. Truth is, I find sex rather uninteresting, sometimes I even forget its a thing people *actually* do and not a thing that only happens in fiction. I do have a lot of kinks that "turn me on", but I never think about having sex with an actual person. I can find someone attractive in fiction but irl I don't really develop that kind of feeling. And it's hard to understand why people would want to actually have sex with someone, or even find them " attractive". I have also identified as bisexual since I think both men and women look pretty but I think I'm actually somewhere in the ace spectrum. Thoughts?

Hey there nonnie.

I think it's great you've taken the time to do so much self-discovery on your part. While I can't tell you what your sexuality is (I know, if only it were that easy), you do seem to know what you like and don't like.

A lot of times when we think about sexuality, we usually lump romantic attraction in with it, when those can be two distinct things and you might be sexually attracted to multiple genders (or not in the case of asexuals), and only be romantically attracted to one gender. The opposite could also be true. And even then your romantic attraction might depend on a person's personality. It's all very fun to figure out (and yes, I do mean that sarcastically lol).

Also along those lines, regardless of sexuality, you might be sex-averse or sex-repulsed where it's not something you want to participate in and are fine just viewing in fictional forms.

I know that's a lot to take in and probably makes things even more confusing, but at the end of the day I think what's more important than a label is knowing what makes you comfortable and not forcing yourself to participate in any situation that doesn't feel good for you.

I hope this helps!

<3 Mod Ace

[biandaceconfessions]

Sorry in advance for the long message....

Hello I have been struggling with my bisexuality, I found myself summer of 2018 but I still feel bad about liking girls, since i have been liking the same sex a tad bit more for a while I'm scared my relatives will make my life more hard (they don't know I'm bi). I am crushing on a girl right now, my heart hurts because I haven't loved anyone in a while and I don't think I have ever loved anybody more than I do now. I have never dated but I know alot of things about dating since I've spent alot of time researching and stuff. I just turned 17 and idk how to deal with this mental blockage. Hopefully you can help me with my problem with some advice.

Thank you, love anonymous,

Hey, there nonnie.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now. Figuring yourself out can definitely be a lot, no matter when it happens during your lifetime.

I know you might be worried about your family making your life harder, but I think it's important to remember that you don't have to come out to them if you don't want to. Now might not be a good time, five years from now might not be a good time, or there may never be a good time to do it. What is most important is your own comfort level and sense of security.

But on the other hand, if you do want to tell them about your sexuality, then that's very brave of you to be honest and open with them.

Some baby steps you could take would be joining your school's LGBTQIA+ or GSA organization if they have one. Or if there's a local organization you could go to without having to worry about your parents finding out, that would be a great way to be around members of the community and find a sense of companionship that you might be lacking.

If that's not something that's possible, but you do want to tell your family, I think the best way to do it would be to keep it short and sweet by telling them what your sexuality is, and give them time to process it. You could even try and suss out their feelings beforehand by mentioning queer movies or books to get an idea of where they stand on the issue.

I hope some of this helps. <3

[biandaceconfessions]

When i was a kid, i thought i was asexual, but got convinced out of it by a friend... now that im older, i'm pretty damn sure I'm SOMEWHERE on the a-spec, but now i'm obsessed with nitpicking myself. like if my eye linger somewhere a micro second longer, or how i think when i'm looking at a drawing of a character- it pisses me off to no end!

Hey there nonnie, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that kind of self-doubt. It can be really hard when people convince you to deny who you are, whether you realize what they've done or not. I'm glad you've managed to understand or find some comfort in an identity on the ace spectrum. I know it can be a bit of a journey to silence the voices of self-doubt, but I hope you manage to get there one day.

The beauty of sexuality is that we're all different! We all experience and express our sexuality differently. So if you're worried about fitting into a specific box or checking or certain qualities, it's absolutely not necessary! You don't have to fit x,y, and z to be asexual. You are who you are and you're wonderful either way. It doesn't matter where you fall on the spectrum, no (decent) person is going to demand you surpass an evaluation or present an Ace membership card. You belong if you feel you belong, and we'll never turn you away.

<3 Mod Ace

[biandaceconfessions]

My parents thought I made out with someone at a party (at which all I did was play cards and board games), and I didn't try to deny it. It made me so angry, because I knew they wouldn't believe me if I said I have never even wanted to kiss anyone. It felt like I failed at standing up for myself.

Sometimes it can be hard to stand up for yourself with these kinds of things. Especially if you haven't had those types of conversations before, or you have and you just don't have the energy to deal with it.

And standing up for yourself also takes a lot of courage and bravery. If you don't know how someone is going to react, you could risk having a painful discussion or being constantly shut down and invalidated.

I think what's more important is you knowing who you are and holding on to and cherishing that over what anyone else might say. You should always do what's best for you whether that means speaking up or staying silent. If this was definitely a case where speaking up would've been better, you can learn from that and use it to approach future conversations when it might come up again.

<3 Mod Ace

[biandaceconfessions]

lmfao so uh... I thought i was aroace bc i thought my crushes on people were just like... "omg they're so cool" BUT my male history teacher (keep in mind most of my 'crushes' are female) exists and suddenly i'm like "oh no." Like, I'm still ace but this completely threw me for a loop because like... I thought i felt no romantic attraction but now I do??? for a guy??? for a MARRIED MAN???? of course I would NEVER act on it bc that's morally wrong but it's still a hella confusing time for me ;-;

at this point i don't know ANYTHING about my identity except for the fact I'm ace so i have given up on any other labels. I am ace and I fall for whoever the fuck I fall for :3 so i guess unlabelled would work in regards to my romantic identity.

Have a nice day!

-Bones

Hey there and welcome to the wonderful journey of trying to understand ourselves! Not having an immediate label for your identity can be scary for some people, but it can also be exciting. Yes, there's uncertainty there, but it's a time of self-exploration and coming to understand yourself better which is one of the most valuable things we can all have.

So, take your time! Enjoy the journey! And admire your history teacher from afar.

<3 Mod Ace

[biandaceconfessions]

is there something I can do to get over heartbreak that never really happened? I'm ace, and I have experienced a crush on someone (a friend) for the first time in my life. but the person isn't single ��� it really sucks and hurts my heart and I hate this feeling.

I'm sorry to hear that nonnie. I'm not sure if there's anything that can make that kind of heartbreak easier to deal with, unfortunately.

The best advice I can give you is to sit with your feelings for a bit, understand them, accept them, and try to let the pain flow out of you. It's much easier said than done, but worth a shot. It might also be a good idea to take some time for yourself. Pick up your favorite food or dessert, watch some of your favorite shows/movies/youtube videos, or read a favorite book, and find comfort and solace in what you love. If you like going outside, maybe take a walk or a hike in the woods, or a trip to the beach if you have one nearby.

If you have another friend you can confide in, maybe not about all the details if you don't want, but just that you're going through a rough time, they might be able to offer some comfort. And if nothing else, we're here for you and I hope these feelings of heartbreak don't linger for too long.

<3 Mod Ace

[biandaceconfessions]

being an ace feels like finding yourself in the center of the hugest prank... i mean, okay, there are things some ppl like and others don't but seriously, everybody says that sex is the best thing ever, not just good, and compare it to religion (check any popular song) while for me, masturbating feels... as exciting as picking my noze? how, just - how? or sometimes i feel like a crazy puppeteer, my legs start shaking and there are weird impulses going through them but it's just... Boring. Weird. Dull. Why would anyone say these things about it...

Hi there, nonnie. It's really two sides of the same coin, isn't it? Like allosexual people struggle to understand how there are people who don't experience sexual attraction or don't enjoy sex, just as there are asexual people and others who struggle to understand how anyone could experience or want such things.

The downside of all of that though, is that those who purport sex as the greatest thing ever have been the loudest over the years and been heard by so many people, any have probably fed into your feelings that you're the subject of the world's biggest prank.

It does come to a point where I think it's less important to try and understand why people make the claims they do, and just accept there are people who feel that way, but there are also people who don't, and we're just as valid and should be allowed to exist and have our own spaces where we can be comfortable and happy.