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How the Barbie Complex Impacts Relationships

The “Barbie Complex” can impact relationships. It involves a desire to attain unrealistic and proportionally unnatural physical attributes, as embodied by the popular doll Barbie. The "Barbie Complex" focuses on large breasts on a slender figure and may involve potentially dangerous life choices such as an unhealthy, malnourished diet and excessive cosmetic surgery.

A Five Towns Jewish Times (FTJT) advice article from Neshoma Advocates’ president, Betty Sebrow, explored the real-life consequences of the complex. The 36-year-old woman writing in faced the dilemma of dating a perfectionist type boyfriend obsessed with deficiencies in her appearance. Her matchmaker had sent this prospective mate a “perfect” photo of her, so she did not meet his expectations when they met in real life. After their first date, he did not consent to another one because he felt she carried extra weight.

Ultimately, the matchmaker convinced him to try another date, and, in the interim, the woman engaged in a crash diet that brought her down 10 pounds, from a size six to a size two. She met his looks threshold, and they began dating steadily, with marriage plans. However, red flags emerged along the way, with the prospective husband noting that he attended numerous galas for his business and wanted to have his wife looking perfect by his side. He encouraged her to seek a plastic surgeon’s assistance addressing what he described as jowls in her face.

The woman’s parents did not consent to the surgery, and she rebelled. She had starved herself and took other steps, such as freezing her eggs to ensure that they would conceive, given her advance toward menopause.

Ms. Sebrow responded that having a significant other ask their dating partner to change a physical characteristic on their behalf is not as uncommon as one might assume. Sometimes, it makes sense if it significantly boosts one’s health or enhances well-being. For example, fixing a bad bite or deviated septum that results in obstructive sleep disorder has health and aesthetic considerations. However, the root for change should be internal, not due to pressure from someone with a “Barbie” ideal and desire to parade their partner in front of others. The characteristic addressed should not be purely cosmetic, particularly if the person sees no issue in it herself.

As Ms. Sebrow sees it, the parent’s opposition to the procedure is justified, as a mate unhappy with his fiance’s appearance before marriage will likely want her to undergo cosmetic surgery after childbirth as well. The matchmaker was not doing any favors in convincing the man to give her a second chance, essentially catering to his whims and putting him in the driver’s seat in the relationship. One key question is, “Does this guy look like Ken?”

Marrying someone obsessed with one’s looks rather than what is within will never yield a satisfactory relationship. Criticism will likely be a daily feature, and it will be impossible to relax and be someone naturally around an intimate partner. The “good husband” should make his wife feel like a beautiful person for whom he has eyes exclusively and believes what he is saying. Rather than fixing one’s appearance, the key decision point is whether one has the desire or capacity to change the partner’s thinking. If already married, the man can probably benefit from therapy. However, the wisest route may be to walk away from a “cruel or abusive situation” for unmarried couples.