benevolent-blackhole

[benevolent-blackhole]

@ people who carry bags everywhere what do you put in them what is there to bring other than chapstick, keys, phone and maybe a tampon why are you packing a suitcase to be outside for 5 hours

[benevolent-blackhole]

I feel a kind of shiver of recognition in the Anna O and Sybil case studies. But I generally hate any cultural depiction of DID, like it just has nothing to do with me.

And then there’s Severance which isn’t trying to be DID rep but seems enormously popular amongst people who have it. Probably because DID is fundamentally a memory disorder and the appearance of multiple personalities is generated from having “spatially dictated” (or context dictated) memories and having different memories produces different personalities and beliefs, which is also what happens on Severance. As opposed to the personalities coming first and being dramatic and memories being a second effect. Which goes against most dramatized narratives of the disorder.

[benevolent-blackhole]

DID makes me so incredibly lonely. I think about it all the time. How can I not? Reintegration nearly killed me, took years from me in what could have been the best years of life. My language skills got messed up, I am left handed in some things and right handed in others. I lost memories in the process, there are things I know I remembered but now am only aware must have happened. My entire understanding of my life is fundamentally altered beyond recognition.

And I just can never ever talk about it. Because people either don’t believe its a real phenomenon and/or it makes you sound insane. Just the idea of talking or writing about it is stiflingly humiliating.

(Easier to refer to it euphemistically, or to refer to my meltdown without any of what caused it)

[benevolent-blackhole]

no offense but  

Taylor Swift Taylor Swift Taylor Swift Taylor Swift, lying to address- Global superstar Taylor Swift This is the first time photographers have caught T-Swift on film in six weeks Taylor Swift Taylor Swift Grammys youngest ever winner of Album of the Year, Fearless Is there Bad Blood? Taylor Swift is responsible for me being suspended Taylor Swift is an again Taylor Swift is on top of the world, but has she done some sketchy things to get there? Thirteen celebs have issues with Taylor Swift I felt like she was a little angry Number thirteen There she is leaving a restaurant She holds too many grudges Why did Taylor Swift- You can see her through the very I can see her I can understand trying to keep your relationship to yourself at the beginning, or needing to take some time to work on your craft But come on And Taylor, voluntarily bringing attention to herself of her donations What Swift did is not enough Yeah, okay Tay, Whatever you say I, I hate to say this, but I think Taylor Swift is learning a few lessons in life All this drama is exhausting Taylor Swift should focus on making the rest of reputation Reputation What it is- Reputation Taylor Swifts new romance is heating up Reputation And what has happened to the squad Reputation But at the same time, I think both- Reputation Taylor Swift takes the stand in court today Taylor Swifts reputation Reputation Reputation So instead we’ll talk about Taylor Swifts reputation Reputation Reputation So instead we’ll talk about Taylor Swifts reputation Reputation Taylor Swifts reputation So instead we’ll talk about Taylor Swifts reputation Reputation

[benevolent-blackhole]

As soon as someone starts talking about how some piece of media Has To go a certain way because it’s hard or soft sci-fi/fantasy and RULES HAVE TO BE FOLLOWED !!!!! I know I’m not going to care about a single other thing they say

[benevolent-blackhole]

When I got my first laptop when I was 16 I somehow didn’t install antivirus software even though I thought I did…I think I thought the free trial would start automatically but I actually had to download it? Something like that probably, it wasn’t on purpose.

And somehow within days of having the laptop - or like, a weekend? - it got some insane virus that totally corked it. Which made no sense because I had done nothing with it except use Word and Yahoo Messenger. I had to go back to Staples and have them reset to factory settings or something. It cost 100 dollars and I remember my parents screaming at me about it even though I paid for it as if it was some horrible character flaw.

But moreover, the Staples guy specifically looked at me with disgust and told me that the only way I could have gotten a virus that bad is if I was on some really gross adult websites and/or downloading porn. And I was sooo humiliated and he was so mean to me and kept going on about it and he ended up saying something like, “well, someone on your network is looking at really disgusting porn.”

I always felt so much shame about the whole thing, but I only recently was like. A) no one needed to be yelling at me, and b) oh, this is an adult man talking to a 16 year old girl about basically, what a dirty naughty girl she is for watching porn. That is just outright someone playing out a porn fantasy and full on sexual harassment.

[benevolent-blackhole]

Whenever I write about Seamus on here I remember when we first got him and I used to write about him a lot here and tag it “Maine coon” and someone went through and reblogged it all to their Maine Coon furry blog

[benevolent-blackhole]

My family cat, Seamus, that we’ve had since I was a teenager has not been looking good lately and he has a heart condition…so. But we were in denial about it and also felt like all the meds he’s been on for two years has got to have helped, right

So we finally got him into a veterinary cardiologist hoping to hear that we can wean him down to a lower dose of meds and rule out that he’s looking sick for a reason but :( His heart is a lot worse and it actually looks like he had a heart attack at some point and just didn’t tell us/we didn’t know

:(

He’s still happy in his day to day life, but. The prognosis is not good

[benevolent-blackhole]

Lately I can only write history to Mr. Brightside by the Killers

[benevolent-blackhole]

Did your parents forbid you from watching certain cartoons? 

[benevolent-blackhole]

Can you recommend some of your favorite books? Can be from any genre

YES.

I’m absolutely going to miss stuff but these are just my all time favorites (many of which are classics, but you know):

Science Fiction/Supernatural/Magical Realism:

-Haunting of Hill House-Shirley Jackson

-House of the Spirits- Isabel Allende

-Never Let Me Go - Kazuo Ishiguro

-Ammonite- Nicola Griffith

-Lilith’s Brood/Xenogenesis trilogy- Octavia Butler

-Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood

-Beyond the Pale-Elena Dykewoman

Literary/historical-

-The Scorpion -Anna Elisabeth Weirauch

-Not So Quiet: Stepdaughters of War- Helen Smith

-The Inseperables- Simone de Beauvoir

-Choices-Nancy Toder

-Possessing the Secret of Joy - Alice Walker

-Fried Green Tomatoes - Fanny Flagg

-Normal People-Sally Rooney

-My Dark Vanessa-Kate Russell

YA-

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants-Ann Brashares

The Westing Game- Ellen Raskin

Snail Mail Mo More/PS Longer Letter Later-Ann Martin/Paula Danziger

Memoir:

In the Dream House-Carmen Maria Machado

Auschwitz and After - Charlotte Delbo

Still Alive - Ruth Kluger

Also the Kate Allen lesbian mystery series is really fun and such a 1990s time capsule. The first book, Tell Me What You Like, is widely available and probably the best. But the other three I had to really track down- they’re not in print anymore I think.

[benevolent-blackhole]

I’m so sick of ppl waiting for women to apologise for feminism bc ‘it’s driven men to the far right’. like given the entire fucking history of men and the shit they’ve done and the shit they continue to do every day in every fucking country in the world, you draw the line at women getting mad about it. for not being more diplomatic about it. idk I wish the self identified male feminists would actually fucking do something more meaningful then talk about how feminism means it’s ok for men to say they’re not ok. like yeah it’s actually Pretty fucking apparent the men are not ok. so now what

[benevolent-blackhole]

I was just thinking recently about how much I miss one of my friends that I haven’t talked to in a year and how it sucks how because she’s so combative and rude we have these periods of not talking because she’s great when she’s not…being a jerk.

And then within minutes of us talking again she is a Jerk.

[benevolent-blackhole]

I just don’t think you can name a child Roxanne until no one remembers the Police song. It’s just not fair

[benevolent-blackhole]

For someone who doesn’t drive anything I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately about driving (a motorcycle) and having the breaks go out or having a panic attack and having to figure out how to pull over lately.