benessa

[benessa]

bejinyoung​:

instead of feeling ashamed or embarrassed when he realizes the state that nessa is in, jinyoung simply accepts it. he doesn’t divert his eyes or ask if she wants to put on some pants or something. if anything, he sort of gives her a once-over and decides that if she’s comfy, whatever. he’s seen her in a lot less; who cares? 

“you sure i didn’t scare you?” he teases, grinning and pretending that he doesn’t feel the slight awkwardness in the room. he can’t help but think in the back of his mind that dating her was a mistake. jinyoung should have known better about himself—he doesn’t exactly has the best track record whenever he’s tried to commit to a serious relationship. he knew it would end in heartbreak, like it always does, and that the friendship he genuinely treasured would be altered forever. he had once heard that time and distance heals all wounds, but there’s still something fractured here. if he pretends it doesn’t exist, maybe it’ll finally go away.

what’s disappointing more than anything is the sameness he felt—and still feels— with nessa. closer than two sides of the same coin; mirrored experiences, the same stories falling from their lips when they talked about themselves. he understands her the way she understands him: intimately, personally. he’s sorry to her, more than he’s probably ever been to anyone whose heart he’s made ache. but not sorry for her, because he knows he’d never want anyone to feel sorry for him.

i missed you, she says, and jinyoung bites back the immediate i missed you, too, that sits heavily on his lips. even if it’s true, it’s not helpful to their current situation. he just smiles, despite it not reaching his eyes, and is grateful for her question instead; that’s much easier to respond to. “sorta, not exactly,” he shrugs, sitting on the couch next to her (still a respectful distance away, not pressed to her side like he used to be), “when’s the last time we hung out? we’re still friends, aren’t we?” he doesn’t mean to sound a little uncertain about that last part. who is moon jinyoung if not confident? but when it comes to the feelings of others, he knows he’s a bit lost.

"do i look scared?" she sniffles, running a hand through her hair as a yawn leaves her body. she can't pretend not to know the reason for jinyoung's visit, acknowledging that she herself would probably do the same if put in his shoes—well...maybe not quite. as much as she is impulsive, she is also a coward. the courage it must've taken jinyoung to visit her sober is not something she will ever have.

and as his next words confirm, he's not here for any sort of reconciliation either. nothing as pitiful as she's done, showing up drunk to try to get an ex to fall for her again, rekindle the love they had before they found out she was unbearable, unlovable. she had once thought jinyoung was like her, a pitiful mess of a human, unable to understand what the masses called 'love', and desperately clinging to what sense they could make of it.

well, she supposes that could've stayed the same, but his will to move past the cycle of passionate nights and broken hearts is so unrelatable to her that she almost feels sick—

or maybe that's just the sleep deprivation talking.

"i've been busy," she avoids his eyes like the horrible liar she is. as busy as she's been, she's never been one to let academics get in the way of socializing—he knows that—and as for whether they're still friends or not...

"depends on your definition of friends," her voice is quiet, barely a whisper loud enough for him to hear, but it wasn't like there was anything loud enough to cover up her words with. "you tell me, jinyoung."

[benessa]

perhaps under different circumstances, she could've stayed. if things had just been easier, she would still be in america right now, attending the same university with all the friends she had met and grown to love within the two years she had been away from home. if only all that didn't happen—alas, it seems her life is just always going to be a rollercoaster of a give and take.

she remembers staring into a bonfire like this, snuggled up against her boyfriend at the time and feeling like life was fine for once. except now she's cold as the night sea breeze hits her skin and makes a mess out of her hair. she doesn't particularly mind, shuffling closer to the fire as she reminisces. the dancing flames mesmerize and distract her enough that she doesn't notice stevie's presence until he makes himself known.

"just casually burning my retinas out," she jokes, shifting a little to make room for him next to her. naturally, one hand comes up to find a spot on his waist and tug him closer so she can rest her head on his shoulder, but she gets as far as touching him before recoiling from the dampness. "whoa, what the— why are you wet?" she laughs. "looks like you beat them to it. i guess you're going back in?" she's fond of his gravitation towards the ocean, finds it cute when anyone's particularly passionate about something.

she tilts her head coyly, looking him in the eye with a cheeky grin on her lips. "is this you inviting me in?"

we move like the ocean,

   < w. @benessa >

he’s sitting on the shoreline, half in the water and half in the sand, enjoying the cool breeze and just living in the moment. this little (kind of an understatement, but whatever!) party is the near closest thing that reminds him to home; if he closes his eyes and pretends, he’s back in the orange county. dad’s just made a his favorite and is shouting from the back porch for stevie to come inside. but the yelling around him isn’t his dad– it’s a bunch of strangers, acquaintances stevie won’t remember the names of. and nessa is here. somewhere. 

taking his eyes off the water, he looks over the crowd, all dispersed on the beach around the bonfire. there’s a few down the shoreline near him, some others further up– isolated, doing god knows what. pushing off the sand and up to a standing position, stevie stretches– groaning as he shuffles onto the sand, shaking out his hair like a dog. his shorts and the bottom of his shirt is soaked, but he pays little attention to it, moving his attention to the party-goers.

he finds nessa, mingling near the fire– sneaking up behind her to toss an arm over her shoulder, shooting a grin at her. “you having fun?” he asks, eyes crinkling at the corners with the force of his smile. he drops the arm from her, using it to take through his hair, taking a glance around. he’s done a little mingling, a little bit of talking– but stevie and the ocean are a little too similar to a moth and a flame. it’s impossible for him to not gravitate towards it. “i heard most of us are gonna head into the water– there’s a few…uh, games? i guess, planned.” he doesn’t know what kind of games; maybe chicken, or some kind of dunking game. he saw someone with a inflatable volleyball somewhere around too. 

[benessa]

sure, there had been a warning text, and no self-respecting person should be waking up at 3pm in the afternoon, but unfortunately midterms were just around the corner and by god if nessa can catch a few more winks of sleep, she was going to.

which leads her to the half-assed attempt at getting out of bed, only getting as far as brushing her teeth and laying on the couch before sleep overtook her consciousness again. it's not until her door opens and her home is invaded when she finally, properly wakes up.

"ah— hey," she tries her best to not look shell-shocked in nothing more than an oversized shirt and her underwear. she should really be more concerned that there's a man in her house, but her lack of shame does stem from familiarity. "nope. didn't scare me. not at all," oh geez...why did it have to be jinyoung?

the last time they properly spoke is an embarrassing memory for her—a combination of unsaid words and awkward silences after weeks, if not months of almost-arguments and almost-breakups. well, it ended up being an actual breakup, which explains why she can't look jinyoung in the eye as he enters the room.

"probably," she shrugs when she's presented with the scrunchies, rubbing at her eye drowsily. her hair's a bit too short for scrunchies right now, having chopped a good length of it off earlier in the year (totally unrelated to the breakup), but it's been getting to a point where she could probably make good use of them soon enough.

she reaches a hand out from where she's sitting on the couch for him to pass the gift over. perhaps it's an excuse to get him to approach her, even considering the fact that he's the one visiting her home right now. part of her wants him closer, within arm's reach so she can wrap them around his waist and nuzzle into his shirt (among other things), but he probably wouldn't be too happy about it. he's made it clear that they can't be the way they were before anymore—a cruel ask for nessa who doesn't know anything else.

"i missed you," she'll bite the bullet and say it. if he brushes her off then so be it, but she's never known herself to be a prideful woman. "is this really all you came here for?"

memory.

@benessa

“it’s jinyoung, i’m coming in!” jinyoung half-shouts into the door that doesn’t belong to him as he punches in the code. all he wants is to make sure nessa knows he’s not some home invader here to kill her like some true crime podcast story without disturbing every single one of her neighbors. he’s not sure he succeeded in either, but he lets himself into her place anyways, once again announcing his presence as he kicks his shoes off by the door. “ness, it’s me,” he pops his head into the rest of the apartment, looking for his friend, and shooting her a grin when he finally makes eye contact. “i didn’t scare you, did i?”

maybe he’s a little too familiar. they’re friends, jinyoung might even call nessa his best friend if he had such a thing, but they’re also… complicated. there’s a lot of memories in this place. a lot of words shared that he’ll never speak to her again, a lot of laughter, a lot of tears. jinyoung is under no illusions that he was really a good boyfriend to nessa when they gave the relationship a shot. but he hopes, even now, that he was a decent one sometimes. there’s a part of him that still feels guilty even if he’s over it. he knows he still cares about her, but he can’t be the one to care about her like that. moon jinyoung just isn’t made out of boyfriend material; he must be cut from a different kind of cloth.

anyway, his visit is a little last minute, but shouldn’t be totally by surprise; he did text her, like, twenty minutes ago letting her know he was coming over. if nessa didn’t look at her phone since then, that’s on her. his excuse to invite himself in? a couple of scrunchies that sooyoung insisted didn’t belong to her and jinyoung couldn’t think would belong to anyone else. it’s only fair that he returns them to their rightful owner, right? he’s pretty sure nessa probably still has a sock or something of his over here too. he’s not going to complain about that, but he supposes that’s just a side effect of the nature of what their relationship originally was, what it came to be, and what it is now.

“are these yours?” he slips the scrunchies off his wrist and holds them out for nessa to see for herself. “and if they’re not, do you want them? they’re not my sister’s, and i’m not much of a scrunchie guy myself, so take them.”

[benessa]

no celestial.

@besaem

ah. the alcohol is really getting to her head.

nessa blinks aimlessly at the ceiling as she's jostled around by the crowd on the dancefloor. the motion isn't helping the rising nausea. she pushes her way out of the menagerie, regaining her balance just barely as someone nearly shoves her over. thanks asshole.

her friends are nowhere to be found, as expected—not that she needs them anyway. she can handle herself well enough, even if it means standing still staring at the ground for an embarrassingly long time. man, why does it always end up like this.

and as one would expect, someone bumps into her. if she had been sober she would've recognized it as her fault for being in the way, but she's too disoriented to care. as far as she’s concerned, someone went out of their way to bother her, and by god she was going to be a problem because of it.

"hey— watch it," she grumbles just loud enough for the stranger to hear above the music, turning to face them only to be met with a torso. what the hell? oh, great. it's someone tall. "what's your problem..." her gaze trails upwards to scan his face for any sign of remorse. hm. why does he look so familiar? "wait, do i know you from somewhere? i feel like i'd remember if i fucked someone like you." it couldn’t be anything else, of course. 

[benessa]

hiya it’s beyun’s mun here with another mess of a muse. this is nessa and she’s a dancer/uni student who’s lime ent hopeful. she is heavily traumatized but working through it (not) so please heed the tws! i’ll leave more details under the cut as well as some plots i had in mind, so please like this post if you’d like to plot!

backstory (tw: suicide mention, bullying, emotional/physical abuse, teenage pregnancy mention ((it sounds bad but it’s not really it’s just her mom)))

born to a couple of high schoolers when they were 17. they kept her because they were in love and got married soon after when they turned 18

her mother was a little (very) obsessive though and her father started being distant because of it, often coming home late and neglecting family. this led to her mother relying on her for affection and attention, which of course, she was far from old enough to provide

her father asked for a divorce when she was 7yo, and the pressure to keep her mother happy only multiplied after that. her mother jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend after that, to the point nessa would get used to seeing a new man sitting on her couch every other week when she got home from school

because of this, she was isolated in school as he mother’s reputation spread thanks to the neighbourhood aunties gossiping and their kids overhearing. she was always too scared to speak up though, lest it upset her mother

she essentially had to serve as her mother’s caretaker throughout middle and high school as her partners got worse and worse, oftentimes abusive both physically and emotionally

when she turned 17, nessa’s aunt in america offered to house her if she wanted to study there after graduating next year, which she agreed to, but her mother wasn’t happy about it. she wanted nessa to stay with her as she was reliant on her for almost everything

they got into a big argument which ended up in her mother leaving to stay with her boyfriend for a couple of days, which happened often

one day nessa wakes up to the police knocking at her door. they had found her mother and her boyfriend dead inside his house, having committed a lovers suicide

she ends up going to america to study even regardless, but returns after two years as she couldn’t adapt to lifestyle there as well as not having resolved any of her trauma

currently

legally known as jinah, however only introduces herself as nessa now as she associates her korean name with her mother 

she’s studying computer science in yonsei as a first year

after having picked up dancing in america, she’s attending more and more workshops for it now

she realized she can just pretend nothing ever happened and act like a normal person, so that’s what she’s doing currently. she comes off as your typical uni student, if a little more risque than others

is always either flirting with someone or dating, but none of her relationships ever last past a couple of months

falls in love easily but falls out of love just as quickly. has a pretty messed up view of love and relationships in general as she dreams of a perfect movie-like romance but thinks it’s impossible for someone like her

generally very friendly and kind but tends to have a crude way of speaking. cares a lot about her friends but at the same time pushes them way the moment she feels them getting too close

other details and likes/dislikes can be found here

plots (open to everything but these are specific ones i’d love filled)

exes / she’s had so many...both sincere and hollow. she can fit just about any ex dynamic you can think of tbh hit me with it

flings/fwb / same as above. she’s bound to catch feelings for people if they show her enough affection, though, but it’s never anything she pursues

roommates / either off or on campus works. she’s a little messy but mostly in her own space

get some help / a friend(?) who’s like “i can fix her” . good luck

twin flame / someone who’s just like her. she’ll develop a very strong bond and attachment to whoever this is so i’m a little picky

detective / she comes off a little fake sometimes so someone who takes it upon themselves to figure her out or expose her

enabler / born out of either camaraderie or malice, someone who encourages her to be the worst version of herself

past friends / some of her only friends growing up. they fell out of contact when she left for america but are reconnecting now. they’re aware of her family situation and past

alumni / people from her school that were maybe witness to her being bullied or isolated. we can talk about if they tried reaching out to her or not, or how they treated her

dance partner / the specifics of this can be worked out but essentially someone she often dances or practices with

enemies / she finds herself getting into a lot of trouble with her behavior and promiscuity. perhaps she kissed someone she shouldn’t have? or maybe your muse just doesn’t like her vibes

open to just about anything, let me know! any combination of these plots or offshoots of them i promise i will love and appreciate as well <3 nessa is made for complicated/messy relationship drama and most definitely development in the future so right now she’s a little... well...., i, for one, can fix her

[benessa]

[benessa]

chaewon / le sserafim