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i was here thinking how being in english speaking tumblr shaped my "future" dreams, and how it convinced me that i could have things people like me can't really have.

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have my own place (a decent one this time) > save money to travel. let's not forget my priorities.

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i got sick. i got really sick. and i had disabilities. and i chased what i thought was the best for me, what i thought i should do, but never what i really wanted.

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there's a sense of calming in finally understanding that i am what my depression let me be.

it's not about giving up or giving in. it's just understanding what this illness has caused me, what it has taken from me.

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i wanted to see you. i wanted to kiss you, to touch and be touched by you. i wanted you to have my firsts. i wanted you. or maybe i still want you.

but it's too late, isn't it? you couldn't wait for me.

i don't know what i'll say to you on november 10th. i didn't let myself hope for much, but i did dream about us. now, i don't know if can or i want to see after you decided that i deserve your silence.

i just wanted you to tell me you want to see me.

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you're not what i need. you're not whom i need. are you? i don't think you are.

you don't really have patience with me. you never give me reassurance, even though you know i need it. you've said the words once, twice, but, like you said the other day, now you just wait for me to "recompose myself". i laughed when i heard that, but it hurts, you know? it feels like i'm not worth enough to be reminded of how loved i am (am i really loved?).

i was keeping my distance bc i didn't want to jump into us before we got to know each other better. it's part of my personality, my traumas, my disorders to avoid too much affection, but i still tried. tried to listen to you. tried to show interested in everything you talk about even when i know nothing of. i wanted us to go easy bc i've gone to fast before, you know?

we're different. we don't always agree about the simple things we talk about. would we disagree with the complex stuff too? i was working on it, you know? i was coming to terms with the fact that we don't need to agree with everything, we can be different and still be together and be good to each other.

i thought we had time. but now it seems like you don't have time for me. and it's okay. i'm not trying to make you feel guilty (you're never going to read this, anyway). it just doesn't seem like i matter much now. and it's okay. you have the right to leave. to love someone else. i just honestly believed we'd be more.

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i don't understand what i did wrong. i understand you don't have to answer promptly, i know you have your own life. i also know that i myself am a slow talker, a slow replier. but still. this silence doesn't sound, doesn't look like you.

and i don't know what i did wrong.

and you have the right to leave, i know, but you were all i had.

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you know what else is sad? i've been on this plataform for over 10 years, and i've never connected with anyone here. not even with followers.

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i'm so lonely. usually when people say they have no friends, they still have people who they talk to, they still have friend they ocasionally talk to, or even a romantic partner; however, i literally have no one. i have my parents. and i have stranger on internet who reply to me sometimes, but i don't have a real friend who i can talk or go to places with. it's been like this for a long while, but recently it's getting to me more than before. i don't know if it's because i'm spending more time at home now since i got a remote job. but it feels worse than before. i've never felt so lonely. i can't stop thinking of the people i had and lost in the years was too sick to keep them. i can't stop thinking how everyone i befriended in the last years was from internet, how no one in real life, who actually can spend time with me, likes me or is interested in me. again, this is getting to me. there's so much despair inside me; and i don't know how i'll survive when all i want is to die. yes, my suicidal thoughts are back and they are so strong now. maybe bc i finally got something that i wanted (the job) but it didn't fix anything. it's like i hoped working with something i liked and paid decently would fix a little of my pain, but it didn't. now i don't even have any stranger to talk to like i had when i was working at my old job. i spend my day alone. i don't talk to anyone. on the weekends, i go to my parents, but i don't feel well there. my new doctor said i have to talk to people, my new therapist said that too. i don't think she knows i have no friends. it hurts more to know that no medicine will ever work for me, bc i'll always be alone.

i have this online friend. she seems to like me more than that. but i don't really want to talk to her or to have anything with her. i think i've done the same mistake as before, so i'm trying to stop it. i know it's stupid to want to connect to people and, at the same time, reject the connection that is being offered. but i want someone who lives close, who can go to places with me. i don't like texting a lot - it bores me.

i've also thought a lot about why i feel so sad when i see my favorite singer posts on instagram. i should be happy that he's happy, right? yes, i probably developed some type of dependency on him, but i think it's not only that. he and i have many things in common, so i would like to do the things he does... with a friend/partner. it seems like he's never alone, he's always with his person, and i wish i could be like that too. seeing him going to musems, travelling to beautiful places with someone hurts me, bc these are things i'll never get to do, and he keeps reminding me of my stupid reality.

as i write this, as i think about these things, i feel so sad and desperate. i honestly wish i could kill myself, bc living a long life like this leaves so desperate. but i can't. i'm not strong enough to end it all. i'm not strong enough to think only of myself and let my parents deal with my death. sometimes i'm a little hopeful. i think of all the times i thought i would never get a job i liked and think 'maybe this will be just like that, maybe i won't be alone and a surprise will come', but i don't really believe in it.

i don't even have anyone to talk about these feelings.

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whoever is writing my life has got mad writers block bc wtf am i doing

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“DEVIL” MAX CHANGMIN Jacket Making

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Kate Bush “Running up that hill” single outtakes ~ by John Carder Bush (1985),

from the book “Kate: inside the rainbow”

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bas jan ader (detail of) untitled (flowerwork), 1974

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A moodboard for the post grad, former literature student trying to figure out life? <3

Here ya go! Hope you'll like it

For some a prologue,

For some an epilogue.

BULGAKOV.

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been thinkin about this lately and i think i want a small life. not a BAD life n not an ISOLATED life n not a CLOSED life but just. small. with defined boundaries. i want a job that will sustain me that doesn't require exhaustion to survive. i want a place to live that's big enough for me to choose every part of it; just enough shelf for mugs i love, just enough cabinet for a neat set of paints, just enough closet for clothes i actually like wearing not just ones i tolerate. i want to do little routines and make small batches of things and be a regular somewhere. i just want to have something contained and clear that's mine, mine, mine

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shatter me

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