believinginmagicsince1996

[believinginmagicsince1996]

[believinginmagicsince1996]

[believinginmagicsince1996]

Strange times

What a strange time to be living in right now. Sometimes I’m not sure if I even believe things would feel different if it weren’t like this, because this is what it always feels like now. It’s the new normal, and yet I haven’t felt like myself for a while now...

Why do old memories appear through rose goggles? Missing the past is just a sign of what the present feels like, unbearable. I keep yearning for the past, for time to turn back, without realising I lose each day being sad. How someone can miss the past so much is beyond me, but that’s me. Sometimes looking back at old photos bring back bittersweet memories of how happy we look, but it’s quickly overcome by a deep sadness by how fleeting those moments were. So much good times and yet here we are, in what feels like endless torment. I’m overcome by sadness realising how temporary life is on this world, and gripping thoughts that the people I love will one day no longer be around. And that makes me really sad. I can’t help feeling sad because I can see how much sacrifice they have made, but I can’t even share it because I want them not to worry and to know everything will be okay. 

[believinginmagicsince1996]

Grief

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. The days and nights I’m on my own are the hardest. Trying to make the time passing tolerable and pass quicker is like wishing you could push the night sky out of the way so daylight would come in at midnight. 

It’s been almost 4 weeks now since one of the worst days of my life. Even though I could never go back to that day and it feels far away, my heart still feels like it’s just been ripped out every day, and I never thought such a thing was real, but for the first 2 weeks, I felt physical pain in my chest as I lay still in bed and then sometimes, I felt like I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I was living, but I didn’t feel alive except for the ache. Then after that, most of the time, I was numb, afraid to remember, because if I did, I would let in the hurt again, and I couldn’t. But some days, when I’m completely relaxed and had a good day, I allow myself a good cry to a few songs.

I miss you so, so much. And I know I am not because I’m thinking of you, but when I’m doing something or somewhere and I hated feeling it, but I was wishing you were here too with me. When I watched “Someone great” it resonated with me how she wanted “just one more date”, “one more night”, “one more hug”, “one more kiss”. Because that was exactly how I had felt in the first few days. But reality set in and I know that was just ridiculous.

I’m still too afraid to open my calendar diary. How could I when I am to afraid to think of the days ahead and the past? I’m living one day at a time, because right now that’s all I can give to myself. I know I should be doing more, and when there are girlfriends around, I have a spark in me that I can’t explain, but it’s there and all of a sudden, I feel like I could take on the world again. 

It’s impossible not to hope. I don’t allow myself to dwell on them anymore and dream, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping. You can’t love without a little hope. They are congruent, two sides of the same coin. And only someone who has been and is still in love but carrying with them now a broken heart will understand what I mean. 

No words are powerful enough to describe the grief I have been through. My heart has not hardened and I’m still someone who believes in love and kindness. That part of me hasn’t changed. But I gave a part of me away and sometimes when you love someone deeply and selflessly, you can’t get it back. And that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now. I’m tired and exhausted, and I have nothing left to give. And I know that maybe one day I will still fall in love, but I know it wouldn’t be the same kind of love, but love all the same. Only those who have had their heart not just broken but shattered, would know what I mean.

I will always care about you, and think of you. I don’t think it’s possible for me to stop loving you. Maybe in another universe, things would have been different. I would have done a hundred things differently. But I pray to god that you’ll have a better life and the tide will turn soon. I know it doesn’t feel like it and you hate everything about your life. I know you wonder why you were given this life. But please don’t give up, you deserve more love and happiness than you realise, it’s never too late to find your way back round, and it may feel impossible because the first part is always the worst, but it gets better... You deserve to be happy. And as weird and cheesy as this sounds.. it would make me happy to see you become happy, looking at the world in a different light. 

I will always love you. 

Take care..

:(

[believinginmagicsince1996]

Let the Light back in

In the darkest nights,

I’ll be waiting for you.

I will shine for the both of us, 

I will carry you through.

I will be your fire,

when everything goes dim,

I will burn for the both of us,

Let the light back in.

:(

[believinginmagicsince1996]

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Nice for what

There’s a real one in ur reflection,

Without a follow, without a mention.

You said you cared for me, you’d be there for me, You said you’d die for me, you said you’d give to me.

Why won’t you live for me?

You’re showing off but it’s alright.

You’re showing off but it’s alright, it’s your life.

[believinginmagicsince1996]

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